RedRedMe Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 My boyfriend and I have been together for over four years now. We have lived together and been through so much with each other. I was so deeply in love with him before he proposed and I was elated when he did pop the question! Two nights later, after telling all our friends and family, he went out on a Bachelor party (not his own, we had a buddy getting married). He did a lot of questionable crap that night while I was out gushing to my friends and family about what an amazing guy he is and how happy I am. I could have gotten over this bump in the road but the catch is, he lied. He lied and he lied and he lied some more. For months! His buddy just started telling me everything that happened one night assuming I already knew (bad buddy, right?) and when I confronted my now fiance, he lied. He literally just kept telling one lie right after the other in hopes I would buy at least one of them. Then he lied for months about the whole truth until someone else slipped and told me what really happened. To top it off, he lied about several other things since we got engaged. I could have gotten over the crap of the party but the lies just kill me. He has gotten so good that he can lie to me while looking me in the eyes. What should be a very happy period in our lives has now turned into a terrible time. I have zero trust in him. His word has been shot to hell. I just keep finding one new lie right after the other. He rarely pulled this kind of crap before. Now, I have lost all interest in planning the wedding. I need to start signing vendors but I just don't have the motivation. I also feel so much pressure from all the relatives and friends who have been so excited about the wedding that I can't just cancel it. Everyone tells me how lucky I am to have found him and people constantly tell us how perfect we are for each other (because aside from the lies, he is wonderful). I don't want to throw away our relationship but we have taken a complete turn from where we were before the engagement. Should I stick it out and make it work or do I cut and run? He seriously doesn't get why it is wrong to lie to me. Link to post Share on other sites
visualbasicide Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 You might want to seriously consider putting this all on hold. You are about to make a choice that will affect you both for the rest of your life. You already don't trust him. That is no way to go forward. Communication is the key to all relationships and lying isn't communicating, its avoiding. I don't doubt your feelings towards him one bit, I understand very well. What I do not want if you to look back at this 5 or 10 years from now through the jaded eyes of a divorcee. You two should work past this now, or work on something else because this won't get better on it's own and it will not go away. Do not marry someone you cannot trust. If he cannot even be your friend then he cannot be your husband. A few days before my wedding I went to my own bachelor party, my friends duped me into going with them for a work related project and drove to a strip club instead. I went home and told my fiance even though we were to be married later that week. She was hurt that I had went but respected my honesty and we worked through it. I wanted her to know that I had been involved in something she didn't approve of and make her own choice as to if I was husband materiel. Sadly 5 years later she couldn't give me the same respect and honesty at the end that I gave her at the beginning and it ended, had I not told her though she would have found out after we were married and it would have damaged our marriage from the very beginning. Rather than see you go down the same road I want you to understand that right now, he is more worried about how he feels than you do. He is lying to protect himself. I am not saying to call the whole thing off either, but this needs to be addressed asap. I don't mean you both sit down and say you won't lie to each other, shake on it and get married anyway, but trust is earned and not given. There is nothing wrong with taking longer to get married to make sure you are marring someone that put's you first. If you both put the other first you will have no problems. If you don't you will run into problems later on. Ultimately it is your choice because it is your future, just be very careful about what you want that future to be. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 Do not worry about what anyone else thinks. Some will say you did the right thing in calling it off, others will form their own opinions which may be unfavorable. Too bad. He is apparently not who you believed him to be. He betrayed you and I know the feeling you probably have of feeling like you betrayed yourself by trusting so freely. It all sucks. But the truth is what it is and you'd be deliberately deceiving everyone including yourself if you went ahead with this farce. Don't do it. Survive it and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Saul Goodman Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 I've seen quite a few cases where one member of the couple "plays nice" (seems to be in the majority these days, at least from what I have seen). When they're married to each other and settled down...out comes the real them. I don't know if that is the case with your guy, but you really want to proceed slowly from here on out. I think visual put it best. I would expect this dishonest behavour to repeat itself later on in the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
shayla Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 If you marry a liar, you will regret it I promise you. You will never trust him, and you will be tortured by thoughts of whether or not he is being honest. As other posters have said, this cannot be about anyone else and what they will think or say if you call this off. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 I dated a pathological liar for 2 1/2 years back in my early twenties. It was awful! Thank GOODNESS I didn't end up marrying him! We talked about engagement all the time, fortunately he showed me his true colors prior to getting to that point. As hard as it will be, I think you should get out now before you make a big mistake. Yes it will hurt, but it will hurt a lot more AFTER you are married. I'm so sorry you are going through this, I have been there and it is horrible. But be thankful he showed you who he really is prior to saying I do. ((hugs)) Link to post Share on other sites
dawgfan Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 Hey RedRedMe - Good for you for not glossing this over. Dishonesty is a MAJOR red flag -- and if it bothers you now, just think what it will be like if you can't trust your guy about the big stuff (money, sex, etc.) after you're married. You didn't say whether you've done premarital counseling, but I think it definitely takes priority over venues and vendors at this point. Don't worry if it delays things -- you need to know if your relationship has a future BEFORE you plan the wedding! If your officiant doesn't do premarital counseling, there's an organization that offers referrals and even free consultations over the phone. It's definitely worth the effort to get some outside, objective advice. And don't worry about what anyone else thinks. I know everybody's excited about for you, but trust me, your friends and family really want your happiness -- and these same people will be heartbroken for you down the road if you end up in a bad marriage. Take a deep breath, and trust your instincts. Give yourself the time you need to take the right decisions. Bless you! dawgfan Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 Outside opinions are irrelevant at the end of the day---it's YOUR life & happiness at stake. If friends & family pressure you, remind yourself that it's YOUR life......... A spouse or life partner should be your absolute best friend in the world. For him to lie to you, repeatedly---shows an enormous lack of respect. It's also a VERY controlling behavior. What greater way to control someone-- than to feed them a false version of reality, by lying? Which prevents you from making an accurately informed assessment about where you're investing your heart & soul. It's a knife in the back. Back to the best friend thing--What kind of person stabs his best friend in the back? Do you really want to spend your life with someone who would do that? Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 Postpone the wedding, tell everyone around you why youre postponing it so they see the real him, and then see if he can learn to be more honest by embarrassment. At the same time, you will have time to figure out if you even want to marry a pathological liar. Link to post Share on other sites
visualbasicide Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 Outside opinions are irrelevant at the end of the day---it's YOUR life & happiness at stake. If friends & family pressure you, remind yourself that it's YOUR life......... A spouse or life partner should be your absolute best friend in the world. For him to lie to you, repeatedly---shows an enormous lack of respect. It's also a VERY controlling behavior. What greater way to control someone-- than to feed them a false version of reality, by lying? Which prevents you from making an accurately informed assessment about where you're investing your heart & soul. It's a knife in the back. Back to the best friend thing--What kind of person stabs his best friend in the back? Do you really want to spend your life with someone who would do that? Very valid points here, my best friend DID stab me in the back. Though I don't know if the real lie was at the beginning or the end. Just make sure you know who you are getting involved with before you take the plunge, it has vast repercussions for good or ill. freestyle, like the quote but I like mine better "you can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think" Then again, sometimes in a cynic if I think to long about the past anyways, back to the OP, if you DO postpone it will shed some light on how you BOTH feel about each other, if he genuinely values your continued friendship and relationship, he will understand even if he gets angry at first and change how he has been behaving, if not, then either way you get your answer. Link to post Share on other sites
bittersweet memories Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 My boyfriend and I have been together for over four years now. We have lived together and been through so much with each other. I was so deeply in love with him before he proposed and I was elated when he did pop the question! Two nights later, after telling all our friends and family, he went out on a Bachelor party (not his own, we had a buddy getting married). He did a lot of questionable crap that night while I was out gushing to my friends and family about what an amazing guy he is and how happy I am. I could have gotten over this bump in the road but the catch is, he lied. He lied and he lied and he lied some more. For months! His buddy just started telling me everything that happened one night assuming I already knew (bad buddy, right?) and when I confronted my now fiance, he lied. He literally just kept telling one lie right after the other in hopes I would buy at least one of them. Then he lied for months about the whole truth until someone else slipped and told me what really happened. To top it off, he lied about several other things since we got engaged. I could have gotten over the crap of the party but the lies just kill me. He has gotten so good that he can lie to me while looking me in the eyes. What should be a very happy period in our lives has now turned into a terrible time. I have zero trust in him. His word has been shot to hell. I just keep finding one new lie right after the other. He rarely pulled this kind of crap before. Now, I have lost all interest in planning the wedding. I need to start signing vendors but I just don't have the motivation. I also feel so much pressure from all the relatives and friends who have been so excited about the wedding that I can't just cancel it. Everyone tells me how lucky I am to have found him and people constantly tell us how perfect we are for each other (because aside from the lies, he is wonderful). I don't want to throw away our relationship but we have taken a complete turn from where we were before the engagement. Should I stick it out and make it work or do I cut and run? He seriously doesn't get why it is wrong to lie to me. You are not so honest yourself. I don't believe you should marry this man if you have deep feeling for his best friend. My fiance and I are in a very bad spot in our relationship right now. While in that rut, I find myself having deeper feelings for his best friend. To clarify, there has always been something weird between us. He is more my type and our humor meshes so well together. He does so many little things that show he likes me and sometimes I am afraid I act the same way toward him. . Link to post Share on other sites
Author RedRedMe Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 To Bittersweet - I misspoke in the other post, which you also took out of context. They are not deeper feelings, it is merely a crush. Crushes will happen. They are human nature. My feelings of attraction towards my fiance have suffered greatly due to his betrayal and I find myself crushing on his best friend because his best friend is really just him but has never lied to me. The other post is more about continuing to ignore the feelings or to confront the friend so it is out in the open and can end. To everyone else - you are all confirming exactly what I have been thinking but don't quite want to admit it. Thank you for your candidness and compassion. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 the fact that you are developing a crush, though, adds to the festival of wildly waving red flags around your engagement to this guy. Please don't marry when there is no trust. You have NO idea of all the challenges you will face in married life. If there is no trust between you, you will not survive any of them. I'm sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
visualbasicide Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 For sure, the bottom line is broken trust is why so many marriages fail. The details vary but the concept remains the same. Link to post Share on other sites
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