What is considered a large amount of time for no communication with an ex?

[sid3]

Thank you, I am lucky to have found this site. I have been reading the most recent replies often, they help. Still today the grief was intense, although I am happy with myself in most aspects, today I realized how disgusted I am with me as well. Each time I have sent an email and the one text when I asked her if she was happier without me in her life, I have let myself and her down. I am not showing respect or love, I am putting my needs first. I have to stop being so selfish. Two weeks ago I was told by two mutual friends that in time a reconciliation may be possible. I couldn't let that be enough, why I don't know, so a week later I screwed up and texted and couple days later I sent an email(the last). I am down about it, after I sent the text I really hit rock bottom, so disappointed in myself.But I'm going to learn from the mistakes this time. I already find myself worrying that now I pushed one time too many. I have to stop worrying, it is destroying me, I am working on letting go as best as I can, the worrying really prevents me from letting go much at all.I had a friend tell me I should consider dating, I told her even though we are broken up I feel as though that would be cheating. It's hard, after five months of no replies or seeing her, I still wake up everyday and the second I open my eyes the first thing I realize is that she is gone. There are kind and caring people here that I am truly grateful for, although you may be strangers you feel like friends.

[nsulham]

Sid, keep it up you're doing a great job! I'm only 3 days into my breakup and I can only hope I have the same resolve you do.

 

I was with my ex for 1.5 years before we parted ways Tuesday. She was my first and I love her with all that I am. She's got a year left of school and wants to live it up and see if the grass is greener. It tears me up but I can't fault her for wanting to enjoy her last year of school. We started dating when I was a senior and she was a sophomore and I knew once I left school it would get tough.

 

We initially split in March but were on-again and off-again before finally ending it on Tuesday. It was blatantly obvious that the spark wasn't there anymore and something needed to be done. She's said that if she were out of school and ready to settle she would be with me and she can see herself spending the rest of her life with me but right now it's not what she wants--we're at two different points in our life.

 

Like I said, I really can't fault her- she's 21 and wants to enjoy her last year at school before entering the real world. We've decided that if neither one of us is with anyone after she's finished with school, we very well may get back together. That's what I'd like but I know I can't wait around for it to happen.

 

I was extremely down too until I found this forum and I gotta say, things don't seem so glum anymore. Nice to know it IS possible for two people who love each other to get back together. I'm going to try my damndest to stick to the NC policy and try to break out of this funk.

 

All I can advise Sid is just keep posting and getting your feelings out, like I plan to. This seems like a great forum to do that.

[asianpartyboy]

I recommend watching "shrek 2", sid. it's going to kill you:).

 

I am doing better day by day, btw. Occassionally I will have a small emotional break down when I am alone, but I control it by thinking happy things instead.

 

Thanks for all the advices everyone gave on this thread, it's really helpful.

 

-a

[dreamguy]

Hey Sid,

 

You know something ? It's been 3 weeks of no contact with my ex and she's still the first thing I think about when I open my eyes and the last thing on my mind before I close them. Hell, if it makes you feel any better, I even dream of her in between !!!!

 

As for the days when you feel your spirits are lifted then all of a sudden you feel you've hit the bottom, understand that this is completely normal and you're not alone in this. Some days I feel that I wouldn't even answer her if she called. Other days I feel I'm about to call her at any second and my left hand is struggling with my right one to stop it from grabbing that damn phone . It's a cycle, that's what cycles do, they constantly flip from top to bottom and vice-versa. If you understand that this is normal, that YOU are perfectly normal then it shouldn't hurt you as much and it should help you enforce the "no contact" rule.

Sid, we ALL feel the same (believe me, we all feel the same intense pain even if some of us do not try to get in touch with our ex as much as you do). Yes we are friends and you'd better believe it ! Actually, we are more than friends, we are like family so hang on in there. You hear me ? I'll shout so you can hear me better. HANG ON IN THERE !!!!

I can only speak in my name, but I'm sure many people on this forum agree with me when I ask you to MAKE US PROUD and refrain from contacting your ex as much as you can. If you can completely stop it, then so much for the better. Even if you don't feel like it, try to go out with someone else (not on a date) just go out with other girls.

You'll never believe what happened to me today. I was feeling down and suddenly this gorgeous girl stepped into my office (she was representing a company we're working with). Sid, for a moment there, I had stopped thinking of my ex. She was off my mind for a few seconds and all I could think of was this women and how good she looked ! I never thought I could feel this way so soon (only after 3 weeks) but I did !

And I don't feel guilty about it at all. Why ? Because I have every right to be happy. And you do to Sid !

Now you understand what I mean when I say: You cannot predict the future or how you will feel then.

Read those posts as often as you need. Because they will guide you to your happiness when you're feeling weak and helpless. It makes me feel great to post in here. To know that I'm helping someone and at the same time helping myself by exteriorizing my feelings and thoughts.

 

In the extreme case where you feel you have to contact your ex, don't do it more than once every month (I think someone else has already told you this before me). Just don't use my words as an excuse to call her whenever you have the slightest desire to do so !! On the contrary, use it to build your own strength. Tell yourself, why would I call her today when I can do it tomorrow ! Trust me, if she really loves you then a bit more time won't make her stop. If she doesn't, then no matter how many times you call, you won't change that.

 

Throughout your posts you keep on saying "I do want her to be happy". What about wishing happiness for yourself ? Not by getting her back but by seeing other girls and believing you WILL HAVE other chances with other girls if this relationship doesn't work out. Pay attention to how I always say "IF" it doesn't work out. Because I said it and I will keep on saying it. YOU CANNOT PREDICT ANYTHING... period.

Get out there and LIVE IT TO THE MAX. You Only Live Once But You Will Love Many Times !!

[sid3]

Standing firm in the no contact, I know I'll make it this time. You guys are giving me the strength and encouragement I need. I think anymore contact would only hurt my chances, so I'm done. I know there are future chances at love, but I can only love one woman at a time. I am going to think optimisticly, if I can stop the worry I'll have it licked!

[dreamguy]

Sid,

 

They say that if you want to reach something very hard to normally attain then you should set small goals and reach them one after the other until you finally make it to the last "hard" goal.

I think you can call it the "divide and conquer" strategy in life. Divide a problem into smaller easier tasks and conquer them one after the other to solve the bigger issue. it's ALWAYS easier this way and the results are garantueed !

 

What I'm telling you is: when people make impossible promises to themselves they often fail to keep them.

What you should do instead is to say I'll do this, then that, then this... until you finally make it to your destination without even realizing that it required any extra effort !

That's a good approach in difficult situations like yours.

You don't have to say I will never talk to her.

You don't have to say "Standing firm in the no contact, I know I'll make it this time".

These thoughts are unbearable to almost anyone. That's why you end up breaking your word and calling everytime. So be smart. Only you can know how much promises and emotions you can handle at any given time without breaking down (we all have a threshold). Try to set a limit and never force yourself to exceed it. Don't look at any pictures, don't listen to any songs that bring back memories, try to avoid places where you two have been. This is how you will make it.

Tell yourself: I won't call her now and there is no reason why she wouldn't be thinking about me and I should stop obsessing about it because I cannot really be sure about anything (after all she would have never been with you if she never liked you in the first place). Then when you feel you need to hear it again, tell yourself the same thing and be convinced about it (eventhough it's easier said then done, you can do it). Those are the small goals you should set for yourself and as you reach them one by one you will undoubtedly be heading towards your ultimate objective which is "no more pain, no more suffering and no more doubts".

Hours will go by then days will pass then weeks will fly... before you know it you'll be feeling much better.

It's hard to believe my words, I know. But this is one of the things you have to have blind faith in. Do you see the air around you ? Nope, yet you breathe it every second.

It will get harder before it gets better, I'm telling you !! You can bet on that. But don't lose sight of your objective.

Even if you cannot see yourself getting over it in the future, just believe all the millions of people who went through this before you. Ain't that enough as a proof ?

[sid3]

I am not going to make contact today. I'll deal with tomorrow when it gets here with the same resolve. I haven't called at all, nor have I put my self in her presence since the break up. So I am proud to say I have the strength and intelligence to do the right thing. I know she thinks about me, and she knows how I feel about her. I am confident about that. Trying to predict the future is pointless, my biggest character flaw is dealing with uncertainty, something to work on.

[estakado]

Hey Sid:

 

Thanks for your support in my post bro! Yeah dreamguy is right, take that time for yourself, I know that you are doing it, just now commit to it. NC does work and I am happy at the point that I am right now. In fact all I can think about right now is to continue on with myself and finish the things that I need to do to be happy.

 

Be happy bro, think happy thoughts like a vacation, strip club, movies with friends, working out, video games, going to sports events, car shows, outdoors...dam theres plenty of stuff to do without trying to get a date right now. I am gonna exhaust myself to doing those things and loving them, I know that I'll run into someone soon and I got alot of chicks that are into me once the sadness wore off some. Give yourself a chance this weekend and post with the update.

[sid3]

I was driving in slow traffic and passed her today. It's a small town. She didn't look directly at me but I'm sure she saw me. I'd describe the look on her face as someone who looked as they were in control. I guess that's appropriate, I pretty much put her there. I don't know what I was thinking when I told her I was wanting to wait, that I had no interest in other women and that when I wake up everyday the first I think about is that she's gone. I was being honest, sucks that being truthful is considered pathetic. I thought about making contact and telling her I just could take it anymore, but then I quickly remembered my friends here. Friends don't let eachother down.

[dreamguy]

You say it's a small town so you will probably run into her many times in the near future. You need to be prepared for those encounters. How to react, what not to do, how to control your feelings... Because I can assure you one thing, she will eventually test you to see if you're up to the No Contact rule or you're just a wuss who's faking it.

I'd say you shouldn't look at her because your eyes would let you down by revealing your inner pain.

I'd say you should control yourself by thinking "I bet she must be burning inside, waiting for me to turn my head and look at her ! But I'm not gonna give her that privilege ! Hell no !"

Do not let it be a surprise next time you see her. Start planning your reaction today and keep that promise you made to your friends here. The promise to be strong no matter what. Remember, we're all suffering as much as you are. At least I can tell you that I am. I'm suffering like hell and it's the worst feeling I've ever had in my life. Worse than being devoured by a lion ! Still, I haven't made contact with her for 3 weeks. Because everytime I want to, I do what I told you, I tell myself I can do it tomorrow. There's no harm in waiting one additional day or week if she really loves me. And if she doesn't then my attempts will only make me look pathetic. Nothing more !

Meanwhile, listen to what Estakado said. Try to keep yourself busy, this will help you keep her off your mind. Trust me, it works. Take care of your appearance, check out the other girls, hit on them. Just don't look sad and depressed.

I'm working out 5 days a week now and it helps tremendously to see how my body changes shapes (I also let all the frustration out during my exercise). Makes me feel great !

[sara1974]

I know it's hard Sid3. Like I said before I could barely go 8 hours without contact. Good job it will all be worth it

[sid3]

Kind of rather be devoured by a lion, least it would be over quickly. I have been driving myself mad. I'm really tired. I'm starting to wonder why I continue to love someone who has hurt me so much. Tomorrow may not be much better, but one of these days will be. It's her birthday a week from tomorrow, the big test. For her bday I'm giving her no contact! For xmas maybe I'll have my new hottie send her a card thanking her. Your so right about the future, no one knows. I read something in a book," no matter how adamantly your ex lover refuses to speak to you, time may change attitudes, in fact you may even become the pursued." Yes I acted a little emmotional and maybe immature when she left. But I'm still loving her now even when she is not around, so I'm proud that I am capable of completely loving her. If things don't work out, she knows dam well just how happy I'll make the next girl I'm with now that I've been through this. She'd say I'm happy for her. but I know it would burn her up.......That makes me smile!

[little_hummingbird]

Come on Sid! We are rooting for you. Keep up the good work. You're my role model now - It's day 3 and it feels like 3 years.

[superman10]

Dude, you aren't alone. Give her the space, if it was meant to be, it will be. My situation is very similar.

 

Just hang in there, thats really all you can do if you REALLY are in love with her...

 

Superman

[dreamguy]

Sid you said:

"Tomorrow may not be much better, but one of these days will be. It's her birthday a week from tomorrow, the big test. For her bday I'm giving her no contact! For xmas maybe I'll have my new hottie send her a card thanking her. Your so right about the future, no one knows."

I'd say you should only think about tomorrow for now. Use the divide and conquer strategy again (talked about this in a previous post). When you think about tomorrow, her birthday and xmas all at the same time then you are overloading your emotions and thoughts. You are exceeding the limits of your personal threshold once again.

Yes you're right, tomorrow may not be much better, because as I said: It will get HARDER before it gets BETTER.

When you normally have a surgical operation do you immediately get rid of the pain as soon as it's over ? NO ! You often spend days and even weeks (not to say months) hurting from those stitches (or whatever the surgeon did to you) before you finally heal.

Think of the break up as a surgical operation performed on your heart. It will surely not feel any better the moment it happens. In fact, the pain will dramatically increase until it finally starts decreasing.

Contrary to an operation which normally needs a predefined time to heal, a break up will mostly heal as fast as YOU allow it too. The faster you go out with new girls, the faster you convince yourself to stop predicting the future, the faster you cut off all contact with your ex... the faster you enter into the healing phase.

A door where it's written "enter the healing phase here" is wide open for you Sid, you just have to take that leap and step right in !

[sid3]

And that's all I'm going to make sure of. I was just affirming my resolve when I mentioned the bday, I'm taking your advice and just getting through each day, another day of waiting won't change things. Your right. I am going to find somethings to fill my time, I am going to take pride in the N/C because it does equate to strength on my part. My happiness will come from sticking with it. I remind myself that no one knows what the future holds. Not even her, she may be angry and maybe thinking never, but things do change. Working on not worrying about what she is thinking, it'll take some time.Keeping both feet grounded in reality, trying to stay positive.

[sid3]

I think it may be time to give up hope. It is what I struggle with the most. If the grief is pretty bad with it, how much worse could it possibly get.Actually probably alot! I think it's keeping me from facing the truth. I don't know, not trying to predict the future, but it doesn't look too promising. I'll try N/C for awhile before I abandon hope completely. For now I will get use to the idea that she has completely moved on. I feel like I let myself get left pretty far behind.

[asianpartyboy]

Hi Sid,

 

Suppose for a few minutes, that there is no hope. What do you think you need to do for yourself to make your life better? Just think where you would go from there....

 

Do this exercise.

 

I am sure you will come up with a lot of things. Like better health, better career, new experience, new friends, etc.

 

Act on it! That's the RIGHT way to go. And I am sure by now you already know that your sitting here and thinking "hope" or "no hope" isn't helping the situation at all! Isn't it?

 

In any rate, this is not the time to think about things like that anyways. The truth is there is "no hope" right now, right? So don't think about it now. You can think about it after one or two month. In the mean time, do the RIGHT thing for yourself. Get better!

 

You got the power, man.

 

-a

[asianpartyboy]

btw, I did the same exercise and you know what, I am too busy to come back here everyday now:).

 

And when i do come back and read posts here; it makes me feel so much better. Because it's so inspiring to read some posts here, especially this thread.

 

Be proud of yourself. In some ways, you've helped thousands, if not millions, of people by sharing your story with us, sid.

 

I wish you the best.

 

-a

[sid3]

I forget the advice I am getting when I start feeling the grief. I am going to focus on consistent positivity, bouncing back and forth makes matters worse.

Today there will be no contact!

[dreamguy]

Sid,

 

Sticking to the advice (even when you feel intense grief) is great.

But you have to praise yourself when you go through one additional day ! You know it and everyone here knows it... IT TAKES STRENGTH. So stir up those positive emotions waiting to be unleashed from deep inside and keep yourself busy as much as possible !!

[sid3]

I made it through today, it was a tough day. There will be more of them for sure. I'm thinking a need a part time job at night for just a few hours a week. Not for the money, just to get out. I don't spend much time around people as I work by myself. Any suggestions?

[dreamguy]

A part time job, a part time hobby... Anything that'll keep you busy ! Go for it.

[dasani08810]

Hey Sid,

 

That's my deal too and that's what makes it tough. I work from home and on my own. Not much interaction with others.

A hobby or something that takes your interests to something else would help.

[little_hummingbird]

Couple of part-time evening jobs just popped into my head - Starbuck's or any coffee shop, movie theaters, restaurants, financial consulting. All of these require social interaction and can be done at night. I have the same problem.... come 7 PM, I'm moping and feeling lonely and want to be with my ex.... blah. It's Monday and that means it's a NC day! We can do it!