dreamguy Posted June 21, 2004 Share Posted June 21, 2004 "It's Monday and that means it's a NC day!" Why would monday be a NC day ? Link to post Share on other sites
little_hummingbird Posted June 21, 2004 Share Posted June 21, 2004 I'm just being silly.... Trying to make myself laugh. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamguy Posted June 21, 2004 Share Posted June 21, 2004 In that case, every day should be a NC day ! Lol, trying to make myself laugh all week long. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sid3 Posted June 21, 2004 Author Share Posted June 21, 2004 Got through today. Almost, there are still a few hours to go. It's been 8 days, now I worry that I said in my email that I was wanting to wait and that I had no interest in other women. I won't be let that become an excuse to make contact. I also told her I was going to therapy once a week to understand how I'm feeling, be a better person to myself and others and to stay true to no contact. How bad is that! Am I done? I feel down, but not out. Part time job will do me good, think I'll get one just after the upcoming holiday. Link to post Share on other sites
asianpartyboy Posted June 21, 2004 Share Posted June 21, 2004 hi sid, Getting a part-time job would be a really good idea, you will not only be able to take your mind off the whole thing, but also to meet new people. Of course she thinks she is in control right now, without you saying "you will be waiting for her" or not. You mentioned that you live in a small town, use that as your advantage, show her that you can live well without her by your side. Imagine one day you walking down the street with some other women(friends whoever), and she saw you with galant attitude, she would probably turn green and realize what she has lost. The tide has turned once you decided to get better, sid. Keep up the good work. And don't worry about what you did in the past now. -asianpartyboy Link to post Share on other sites
estakado Posted June 22, 2004 Share Posted June 22, 2004 I know your hell Sid, keep it up and keep going to therapy, tell your doctor everything and dont leave anything out, tell your doctor all of it, it will make you feel soo much better. Yeah and get a job too, man that will be great if you did that, you will meet new friends to hang out with and think of all the people your new friends will know that will give you more potential to have someone come into your life. Keep reading my coping posts man, like I said I am there with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sid3 Posted June 22, 2004 Author Share Posted June 22, 2004 I think this day by day thing is the way to go. I am going to stick with it. Felt like contacting today, but realized there really isn't anything else to say, so why bother doing the same to get the same. Besides I don't want to have to start over again at day one. Time and fate, that's where I'm at. Link to post Share on other sites
Kate Posted June 22, 2004 Share Posted June 22, 2004 yes day by day is best...if you break down and call (THEY should break down and call you!! that's the right objective given the circumstances!! and the most logical!) then you will be at DAY 1 again!! instead of DAY 8!! i'd rather make it to day 28 and get a text message or email or phone call from them when the tables are turned...though it sounds petty, TURN THOSE TABLES!! if they don't care, SO WHAT!! and when they DO, you will know...cause you won't have contacted them first!!!! ha. you will never know if you break your own NC rule...and that will just suck. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamguy Posted June 23, 2004 Share Posted June 23, 2004 Day by day is how I did it and I lasted 19 days like that ! If I had told myself, right from the start, that I wouldn't call my ex for 3 weeks then you can bet I would have called from day 1 !!! I'd suggest reading this post. Great summary for all those who want to put some order among all this chaos. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t35003/ Excellent job lost_in_chgo !! I don't think anyone could have done it better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sid3 Posted June 23, 2004 Author Share Posted June 23, 2004 Yeah it does make it easier to do it one day at a time. I am wondering though if there comes a point when N/C just doesn't matter anymore. I guess I'll see in time.Trying not to predict the future, I know I can't. But it sucks, thinking about the past while the present gets wasted. Telling myself it's all in my head. Thanks for the thread, have read it a few times. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sid3 Posted June 24, 2004 Author Share Posted June 24, 2004 It may be difficult at times, but following the N/C is rewarding. I find it empowering as well. I guess it's taking back at least some control. So it is a good thing. And why would/should I let the ex know what is going on in my mind. If she wants to know from now on she'll have to ask. Makes me feel much better knowing I am getting stronger, it may have taken awhile, but I am learning. They say knowledge is power. Down, but coming back up! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamguy Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 And why would/should I let the ex know what is going on in my mind. If she wants to know from now on she'll have to ask. Good reason. Something to add to the list of benefits of the N/C process. Not only does it empower you but it also makes your ex curious and curiosity is something very few people can totally control. It makes them wanna call you. Even if they are just calling to test the waters or satisfy their curiosity. The fact remains the same: They have called and you got back a part of your pride. The part you were forced to leave behind when they dumped you. Link to post Share on other sites
Kate Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 i'm starting a new thread about this NC stuff. cause i have a personal story to share, hopefully it will be helpful. it will be called "NC -- it's not all about YOU"... Link to post Share on other sites
asianpartyboy Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 Yes, pride is important. I noticed a lot of people here followed NC and had their ex contact them, but then they couldn't control their emotions and let the feelings out too early. In all honesty, it's really, really hard to control your emotions. Everytime I write something on paper by myself about the relationship, I end up feeling week. The emotions are just too powerful. I couldn't help but care about her so much. But as time goes on, I found the things that I write become more "healthier", just wishing each other the best now. Anyway, the main point here is: I think after one or two months of NC, we should all be prepared. It's not finished yet! They are still out there and have control over a very large part of our feelings. So be very careful. Don't let your pride slide too easily. I wish there is a third version of NC guide. -a Link to post Share on other sites
Author sid3 Posted June 25, 2004 Author Share Posted June 25, 2004 You seem to be doing well a, I'm glad. You always have soemthing positive to say as well. Although I speculate, I believe had I not sent an email every 3.5 weeks on average, I would have been contacted by now. Like dribliz replied, I needed to leave, let go.Let her see what it is like without the reminders that she is truly loved and wanted. I have let go. I am becoming aware that my actions can influence the future. To keep sending emails would not be advantagous, so day by day I stick to N/C. I believe I will be hearing from the ex in the future. I will remember the advice from you all when and if that time comes. Curiousity, good point Dreamguy, it is a major source of frustration for the dumper when things suddenly change. Her birthday is Sat. will be 33, I don't have issues with it, sure she will do some introspection.,friends are all getting/already married, my clock isn't ticking, I told her in the last email that I was wanting to wait. The longer I maintain the N/C, the more curiousity will set in as to whether I still am or not. I can see myself making it through tomorrow and the weekend. Today I realized there is a huge world out there that I seem to fallen out of for the past few months. While I still miss the ex terribly, I miss my happiness a little bit more. Time is not necesarily a bad thing, time changes things. I also like to think that now I'm taking some time/space.Another good point. No need to announce it or inform her of it, she doesn't need to know cause it's for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sid3 Posted June 25, 2004 Author Share Posted June 25, 2004 On the contrary, ignore them. Because you will strip away their power and self-satisfaction when you ignore them. Even if they do not come back to you, at least you will be sure that they will never forget you in the future and they will always consider you as the ONE person they could not CONTROL. Yet another good reason for the N/C. I think my ex is going to be going nuts when some time passes and she realizes sid has somehow gotten over her, and is wondering if I've moved on....I enjoy reading your replies, they help me tremendously. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamguy Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 I can see myself making it through tomorrow and the weekend. Today I realized there is a huge world out there that I seem to fallen out of for the past few months. While I still miss the ex terribly, I miss my happiness a little bit more. Tell me something Sid, when you first broke up with your ex and you were chasing her every day (trying to get back your lost love and pride) where you able to say "I can see myself making it through tomorrow ? Let alone the entire week-end ?" I told her in the last email that I was wanting to wait. The longer I maintain the N/C, the more curiousity will set in Yes because you told her you were willing to wait and then you stopped calling. You said something and you're doing the opposite. This maximizes the effect. It shows you have the will to control your actions. If you had said "I won't ever call you" then N/C might have not made such a difference. She would have been prepared. It's exactly like telling someone "I'm gonna punch you" before doing it. They will see it coming and will move their head to avoid your fist. When you want to win a fight, you usually use the element of surprise. You turn around as if you were leaving so your ennemy lets his guard down then, suddenly, you turn back and hit him. While I still miss the ex terribly, I miss my happiness a little bit more. A few days ago I said, we're gonna have a fighter in you Sid. Glad I was right about that. Why would you want someone if they will make you miserable ? What is a relationship when it literally eradicates your happiness and replaces it with sorrow and humiliation ? If your a masochist then go for it, otherwise look for something better, something you deserve. I enjoy reading your replies, they help me tremendously. I enjoy writing them (and I mean every word I say as my own opinion of course) as much as you enjoy reading them. Link to post Share on other sites
Kate Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 If you had said "I won't ever call you" then N/C might have not made such a difference. She would have been prepared. It's exactly like telling someone "I'm gonna punch you" before doing it. They will see it coming and will move their head to avoid your fist. When you want to win a fight, you usually use the element of surprise. You turn around as if you were leaving so your ennemy lets his guard down then, suddenly, you turn back and hit him. this is GREAT. i made the initial mistake of telling my ex not to contact me...but i don't know that it was a mistake...cause when i DID contact him the other day, he was grinning ear to ear when we went to coffee. that is explained in my other thread i started though. but anyway, he offered to help me move this weekend -- i said thanks but i had friends visitng who would do it. i think he really wants to be on good terms, etc., as he said he hoped things would "fall into place" when he felt ready for something again. ( i know what you think about this but i'll just say he is the most genuine person i have met in my entire existence ). i do not plan on calling him, and will probably hear from him in a week or so again...at which point i'll pick up the phone, but if he tries to make plans, i will decline and seem busy. the element of suprise is great. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamguy Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 Kate, the element of suprise is great. Somehow I don't think there is any room for surprise in your current interaction with your ex. At least not on his side because he is making you wait until (maybe) he is ready to have a relationship with you again. It's going to get dull for him and you have become predictable. I sure hope I'm wrong ! But I'd hate to see you get hurt Kate. I don't like the sound of it that's all. Call it masculine intuition (whatever that means if it exists). If he really loved you he would have came back OR (if he can't come back very soon) he would have let you go on with your life by telling you not to hang on to any hopes at all. I know my replies might make you feel worse. If they do, tell me and I'll stop replying because I'm a very straighforward and direct guy. I repeat, I sure hope I'm wrong about all this. Link to post Share on other sites
Kate Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 dreamguy -- they don't make me feel worse, they keep me humble. i must keep these things in mind. i don't see myself as predictable right now, cause up until 2 weeks ago, all i did was call him and be there for him. now i'm not. and 2 weeks ago it was MY phone that was ringing, being texted...and i didn't respond to that for 3 full days until i felt bad because he needed to talk and explain himself. right now if i'm being predictable i'm giving him his space -- which he asked for. that's totally UNpredictable because before, i was nothing but ALWAYS there. suprise comes in different shapes and forms and i think this is good behavior on my part...but i do appreciate your feedback. last night i went out and was SOOOOOOOO tempted to call him drunk, stop by his house -- i had to drive right by it anway...and SO glad i didn't. the old me would have. again, the late night calls, etc. have all stopped, i think that's good enough diversion for now. i think he will be pleasantly "suprised" when he sees i have respected his needs. they are not outlandish needs, either. i am totally living my life too....a guy i dated on and off for years distance - wise is visiting in town this weekend. i'm going to have a good time catching up wtih him for ME -- not in a rebound fashion. i don't know, i will live my life and try not to hold on to hope as you did suggest i may be disappointed. that's good advice, cause i have zero control over this.... thanks... Link to post Share on other sites
Author sid3 Posted June 25, 2004 Author Share Posted June 25, 2004 Actually in my last email I did tell her I would give her the no contacr she wanted, she never specifically asked for it, just hasn't replied to my emails. I said no reply gives me hope, maybe I am delusional, but it's better than a negative reply. I have said a few times I would not send her another email, probably 7 since Jan. Have never called, I think there will be some surprise when I don't send another? it's tough, she's friends with my brother. She knows I am going to therapy, revealed too much info, but anyhow, there is nothing more that will be revealed now, will be two weeks this monday, tomorrow is the b-day. Then again it's probably a million peoples' bday tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
Kate Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 by the way, dreamguy, what do you think i could do that WILL enhance the element of suprise?? besides not calling him?? i would like to master that notion... Link to post Share on other sites
dreamguy Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 Kate and Sid, I'm not a therapist guys but again I'm so direct that my answers convince most (not all) people. To answer you both on the "what should I do and did I screw up" question, I think you should stop doing things, period. You can't change the past, it's engraved forever. Just learn from it so your future will be better. Sid, instead of focusing on the question "did I screw up ?" I suggest taking some time to relax then focusing on "what will do in the future in order not to screw up in other relations" because I can assure you that you will meet other people. Kate, my answers (although daring and risky) are still humble, perhaps that's why they make you feel humble. I haven't mastered the notion of "surprise" yet. I'm in the learning process and so, every now and then, I share with you what I've learned so far. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sid3 Posted June 25, 2004 Author Share Posted June 25, 2004 There are alot of other people out there. Just not at the point where I am interested in meeting someone else. Although I have only gone to two appointments, it seems to be nothing but reflection on the past. I think I will stop going, and only focus on what I can do now, which is basically take care of myself. I do so in one way by not contacting her, it makes me feel good each day that I can control my actions. So even if it's only a little right now, there is some control coming back. Link to post Share on other sites
estakado Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 Sid3: You gotta slowly day by day let her go bro, let her make her mistakes. Yeah her B-Day is gonna come through, but you know what she is prolly gonna expect a call from you or something. Dont give her the satisfaction, dont call her or contact her. Make her miss you. kate: You are getting stronger everyday. Keep posting and let us know how the date goes. Keep doing the same thing as above and make him miss you. Link to post Share on other sites
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