What is considered a large amount of time for no communication with an ex?

[Kate]

yeah sid, in your situation as you have told us, you totally have to make a choice to break all contact -- which you have done -- but doing that means birthdays, holidays, taking a crap, whatever, they are all the same. days will come and go and yes, she may feel hurt. so what. she broke up with you, what does she expect? even if she is hurt and you do feel bad, you have endured way more pain and are only protecting yourself. stand your ground. if she gets upset about it don't react -- at all. and if you DO talk to her which i hope you don't and it's after her bday, tell her the most simply, friendly and to-the-point response as to why you are not in contact with her.

 

4 months is a long time, lots of pain. keep yourself strong and make a clean break. i did that at the very first break -- and he contacted me afterwards because we DID need to discuss eachother's feelings and the reason FOR his needing time apart. but had he not called me, i would have maintained a clean break and moved on. he contacted me though because for him it's a timing issue...he's not trying to keep me at bay, and i'll know if he is. but even in this amicable situation i have with him, i would not initiate contact beyond what i have when it was totally necessary. i don't mean to talk about myself so much, but i want you to know where i'm coming from with my thoughts.

 

we are both having such a hard time with this, but i can honestly say that getting peace of mind in any way possible is a HUGE help. whatever that means for you, you should do it. i HAD to know the reasons for his needing time apart, so i called him for coffee wed. night -- and he told me the reasons, and they are SO validated. even though i'm hurting, i'm not internalizing the whole thing anymore. if you know you are not responsible for a situation that makes a huge difference. i think for you you need to find out that thre is/was tryly nothing you could have done. i don't know why she is holding guilt over your head, maybe she is a weak person. that concerns me, too, because you are torturing yourself then for NO reason. let me put it this way, sid, my ex, in my mind, put me through SO much pain. your ex says that she doesn't know if you've changed, blahblahblah...that's BS. that should not be a reason for a break up. you should get flat out answers from them and they should be up front with you. my point is this -- i will never hold my personal pain against my ex again. i did that DURING the relationship due to the sense of absence and neglect i felt from him and that's why we fought and then broke up. a relationship's circumstances are never intentional, and your ex is making you feel guilty for no reason. that is so controllling and toxic. my and i would NEVER do that to eachother. no matter what. and i guess that's why i have a LITTLE peace of mind right now. it sounds to me like you need to get rid of her altogether. when i broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years, becuase i fell out of love with him, i never blamed it on stupid reasons. i could have, cause i would have felt less guilty, but i simply told him i felt i had changed and we outgrew the situation. of course it took forever to finally do, but i did it and didn't make excuses for it because i didn't want him to lose sleep at night. i think your ex is full of crap and you need to realize that. what do you think? she may just give you stupid reasons when you do talk so that she can't feel guilty. and if she's not contacting you and you have these stupid reasons that you are racking your brain over, get away TOTALLY today -- free your mind -- that is a sick and f-ed up thing to do on her part whether she is a "good" person or not. right?

[sid3]

I am responsible for my actions, I pushed her away by acting on emotions and not thinking. I cannot vhange that, I know that all too well. I am doing the best I can to let go, I have not contacted her, like esk. said, maybe it'll make her miss me. All the replies I have gotten have led to the same premise, if you don't ever leave, she'll never be able to realize what she is losing. My heart is still in control, but my mind is gaining ground. I have maintained my word on not emailing. I thank you guys for the support and encouragement, still the same problem, time. I won't let it be my friend. I will continue to repeat it and read the posts that have helped me. I do know I will get there is no "if " as far as that is concerned. I'm not worried about hurting her feelings by not sending a bday wish, I am protecting mine. I don't need to give up more of my pride, yes still in alot of pain, but there is something that I did that I could have done differently, I am only human and not perfect so I am forgiving myself, it is gonna take time. It's too easy to forget all the good advice and ways of looking at things differently. I am going to continue to try and improve on that.

[scubaskunk]

Okay

I totally understand how you guys feel> I do think that Sid is doing really well considering what he went through and how supportive everyone is being. I have a question that I need answered from a male since it seems that every male who has posted something on this topic knows what they are talking about.

Me and my ex broke up about 9 months ago. A few weeks after he broke it off with me he was already out there dating. He has been dating his significant other for about 8 months now. After the break up we use to talk about us getting back together and all that, but after a while, it looked to me like he wasn't going to break it off with his new girlfriend until he knew that I was going to beh with im physically...(i live half way across the world, reason we broke it off: londdistancerelationship) so i decided to do the no contact thing and its been about 5 months. I've dated others, but no one compares to my ex. i know that him and his gf are still together and i don't know if they are doing well or not, bc i haven't talked to him...but i was wondering. if you were in his position (as a male) what do you think that he is thinking? would he see me as weak if i called him, or should i wait for him to call since he was the one who broke it off in the first place. When we use to talk 5 months ago, he would tell me that he still loved me and that he missed me and that he couldn't wait to see me, but do you think all those feelings have changed since then. He hasn't contacted me and neither have I. I will though, be visiting the place I use to live (which is where he does live) this summer, so i was wondering if it would be a good idea to maybe give him a call or ask him out to lunch. just to talk catch up...

please help....

[dreamguy]

scubaskunk,

If it has been 5 months since you guys last spoke then I wouldn't have high hopes if I was you.

That doesn't mean he has stopped loving you. No one can give you a final answer about that (except him if he is honest). He might have just drifted along, and as time went by he convinced himself that he should go out with other girls since you're half way across the world and he can't see you even if he wanted to.

Some persons can't endure long distance relationships. I know because I've had 4 of them when I used to travel. 3 girls out of 4 broke up with me after a few months because they just couldn't take the pain of wanting someone, wanting to hold, kiss, hug and touch someone when they couldn't !!

Humans long for physical touch. Psychologists say that if you hug someone who likes you and whom you like for about 1 minute every day then it affects their emotional stability for the better.

How long did you spend time with your ex (physical close to him) before you two became geographically distant again ?

[scubaskunk]

We were together for about 2 years before he broke it off. And of those 2 yrs. our long distance relationship lasted about 6 months..those months didn't go too well...So because the only reason we broke it off was because of that, do you think there would be any hope for us...since I am moving in his town in 2 months.

[dreamguy]

"We were together for about 2 years before he broke it off. And of those 2 yrs. our long distance relationship lasted about 6 months..those months didn't go too well..."

So you were physically together for 1.5 years ? That's a long time for a relationship. Long enough to take things seriously and give it a try.

 

"So because the only reason we broke it off was because of that, do you think there would be any hope for us...since I am moving in his town in 2 months."

Tell me something, what makes you so sure that the ONLY reason he broke up with you was because you had been away for 6 months ?

I'd say that if you move there it would tremendoulsy increase the chances of you guys getting back together. Then again, remember that while this might be a start it might not be enough. This is why you have to try to objectively think about some good answers as to why he broke up with you.

If you have no clue. Then don't assume anything. Act as if he's a friend when you see him until you eventually get some answers.

If the reason was not distance, then moving there might not help. It might become tempting for you to chase him and you might scare him off (especially if you see him with another girl ! )

 

Just don't contact him now. If you contact him then, when he sees you in the future, he might think you called to decide whether you need to move there to be close to him or not. He should NEVER be under the impression that your decision was influenced by this !

When you do move there, make your first encounter look like a pure coincidence ! Don't call him. You know where he goes and where he lives. Come up with a plan to run into him one day as if fate put him on your path. And if/when you do, stop and smile (as if you weren't expecting this to happen and you're as surprised as he is !). then wait for his reaction. Don't look nervous or overly excited ! A bit surprised and happy will do.

If he seems somehow cold and distant then don't insist and don't push things. Tell him it was nice seeing him again and then leave. Remember, it has been 5 months since you last talked to each other. A lot of things can happen during that time.

If he seems happy to see you, then talk to him for a few minutes (no talking about the past or about the relationship or the break, just ask him how he's been doing etc...) and then apologize by saying you have something to do and leave.

If I'm not mistaken he surely has your home phone number. Be patient and let him come to you (let him call you) and take it from there step by step.

You'll notice this is always my opinion on this forum (to take it step by step) and I believe it's a good strategy (even if it often takes more time than other approaches) for two main reasons:

1) If it doesn't work out then you won't be deeply hurt because you'll be gradually increasing things instead of jumping to the top in one single leap. You'll have time to foresee problems and protect yourself in the event of a bad ending.

2) If your ex left because he was pressured then you will not be pressuring him again and he might stay until he finally decides he wants you.

 

Good luck scubaskunk.

[sid3]

It's a pretty tough day, knew it would be. Just have make it through. Feeling pretty down today, spending to much energy think about the ex and the kind of day she is having. Not too worried that she'll be upset that I didn't sent a text or email for her birthday, thinking she may be glad.Maybe surprised, I'm a little surprised I have made it this far. Getting kinda tired of this sufferin, they say there is a switch that existings in the mind. I have been searching for it, just can't seem to find it. Or maybe I just don't have one. The N/C is my life line right now, it is my source of pride and dertimination, truly the darkest moments of my life, to quote a fellow poster. Think it's time to reread some replies, they've been a source of comfort.

 

Definately the worst summer of my life, worst year for that matter.

[BrotherD]

Sid3

 

I'm here with ya buddy. I know what your going through. Try to remain "up"

 

Hope the follwoing helps

 

1.) Your ex did love/like you at one point. Otherwise you wouldn't have had a relationship to begin with. She liked your looks, your personality , humor etc. Know that and hold on to it. Even though things might be different, you had that at one point, Remember the good times. I know this is hard...But there is comfort in knowing that you did, at least at one point "win" her affection. It was because you were a good guy and she knew it.

 

2.) No Contact is better than more BS! Get well! Forget about her! Just for today. There's nothing you can do. I know this is hard, trust me on this! I know! If you call and she disses you you will regret it and NC will look pretty darn sweet up against this prospect! NO CONTACT.

 

3.) Now here's the hard part. She might be gone. Maybe not forever, but definitely for right now. You've got some time off!

Think of it as a sabatical for now. If you call her it sends this message: "Hi, Sam Spineless here, loved the crappy way you treated me, may I have several more thrashings please? Oh and PS , I love you..." AAAAAAH If you call you will be telling her that. Again, No Contact looks pretty good right about now huh?

 

I write this to you because in reality I 'm writing this to myself! I AM WHERE YOU ARE. It's a funking drag! The most annoying thing I've dealt with in a long long time... I do know that my 10 weeks of NC has brought clarity to this ridiculous situation and it will do the same for you.

 

Everytime we don't call it send this message...

 

"I'm cool with not having you in my life. I will be fine. I will thrive. I WILL NOT PLAY BE TREATED ****TY, if you want me, you expend the energy to find me! Dial my digits if you want to be with me, if not buh bye!!!!"

 

I prefer that to groveling any day of the week...

 

Sid3, you have made progress, hang in there, You transformation to the stroger person you are now has been uplifting for me. There is light at the end of this stupid tunnel. Hang in there, You can do it. She does miss you. You are a cool guy

Don't blow it now....

[sid3]

Thanks for the kind words, it helps a lot. I am definately sticking with the N/C

no way I'm going back to day one. Just can't do it to myself, I see it as saying to all of you," thanks for taking the time to giving me your advice and opinions, but I not going to/won't listen. I have been listening, and it'll get me where I want to be.I agree with what you wrote,it's how I think some/most of the time, before I start worrying and wondering. Had I been a cheater or abusive, I wouldn't be where I am at now. My crime sheet doesn't justify all the hurt. It's been a tough day, but it's almost over, I'm am happy with myself for not asking for another dose of being treated like ****, your right about that. Dam straight! Rather send the message that I am able to get on ok with myself.No way I'm going to send any more of my pride as a bday present. I will get there, some day I could be looking back on this laughing at myself. Haven't laughed in months.I don't know, all I know is that I feel like love's bitch. I don't think I have every hated/disliked anyone in my life enough to wish something like this on.

[dreamguy]

Sid,

Not too worried that she'll be upset that I didn't sent a text or email for her birthday, thinking she may be glad.Maybe surprised, I'm a little surprised I have made it this far.

Allow me to correct your line if I may: "Don't give a f*** that she'll be upset that I didn't sent a text or email for her birthday, I'm certain she is not glad because she was expecting me to send one ! She is surely surprised, and so am I. I'm so proud (and all the people reading my posts are proud) I have made it this far."

Now read that line 100 times and start believing it. IT'S ALL IN YOUR MIND.

Don't believe me ? Check out this links (for further links search on Google or Yahoo for "hypothalamus+emotions"):

http://www.epub.org.br/cm/n05/mente/struct_i.htm

[sid3]

Good link. I can picture my proffesor lecturing on the exact subject some years back. Found it more relevent now though. Thanks, very insightful. I like your correction, I'm glad you reminded me what I really ment to say. There is a taoist saying that says when you cannot move in great stides, move in inches and soon you will have moved feet. That is what I have been doing.Today could have been worse, but rather I spent some time thinking about what I would like to do for my own bday. Today my sister invited me out to Denver for the fourth, hanging with sis in the mountains will be good for me for sure. So not a bad day entirely. I am becoming aware that one of my biggest mistakes has been romanticizing the ex, just like everything I have read says not to. There is something I may need to repeat to myself a hundred times. One cannot fix the problems if they don't know what they are, I know what they are.

[scubaskunk]

dreamguy-

thanks for all the advice, but I am just wondering. when you say take everything step by step, does that include after I run into him too?? For example, if I was to run into my ex at a movie theater or something...What if the conversation that him and I have goes well, am I still suppose to casually say, "well I have to go do some stuff, it was nice seeing you." Because during that first conversation, if no one initiates a "want" to hang out or to do somehing later with the other person sometime, then it could be a loss of a chance of at least some kind of relationship for both of the individuals. Because I sure as hell am not just going to randomly show up everywhere that he is for a few months just to talk to him. Who is to say that when he sees me he wants to ask me, but he gets nervous and can't ask, then we both missed our chance, what am i suppose to do then?

And while I am waiting here, I know its been five months but do you still think there is any hope of him still calling, although he is dating someone else. because after he broke up with me last sept, he called me in november bc he had missed me alot, and it makes me have hope that he may do it again( even after all these months. and see, the only thing that keeps me thinking this way is the fact that I know I STILL love him, think about him, and want to get back together with him although I haven't called and i have dated others just as he has, so maybe he feels the same way even though he hasn't called. He knows Im going back there, and he has known since before we ever broke up.....do you think he would be nervous or what, since its kind of like anxiety for me, i wonder what it would be like for him, in a man's perspective.....

Also, lets just say he backs away coldly during our first meeting, then how am I ever suppose to figure out the real reasons for the breakup?? I can't bring myself to ask about it, you know, thanks for all the help dreamguy, if any of these questions can be answered, please do, id really appreciate it....

[scubaskunk]

no message

[sid3]

Thought I'd share my thoughts with you seeing as we have a situation that has some things in common.

 

Because I sure as hell am not just going to randomly show up everywhere that he is for a few months just to talk to him. That's good, cause he'd probably get freaked out, I know my ex would. I think it would be stalking. I avoid places and travel patterns to allow her her space, part of the N/C

 

 

And while I am waiting here, I know its been five months but do you still think there is any hope of him still calling, although he is dating someone else

 

I'm at the same period of time as you, I don't know whether or not she is dating someone else. If she was I wouldn't be waiting for a call. At that point

the hope I've been keeping alive would die, and I would be highly motivated to meet a new partner.

 

the only thing that keeps me thinking this way is the fact that I know I STILL love him, think about him, and want to get back together with him

 

I know exactly what your saying, to love someone once they're gone can be pretty hard on a person's heart and mind. Still loving my ex is keeping me thinking the same way and wanting to get back together with her.

[dreamguy]

Sid,

"That's good, cause he'd probably get freaked out, I know my ex would. I think it would be stalking. I avoid places and travel patterns to allow her her space, part of the N/C"

Don't avoid places you usually go to because she might be there. Avoid places you feel like going to because she is usually there. I hope you see the difference

 

"I'm at the same period of time as you, I don't know whether or not she is dating someone else. If she was I wouldn't be waiting for a call. At that point

the hope I've been keeping alive would die, and I would be highly motivated to meet a new partner."

If it's been long enough since you last heard about your ex, then I'd say you should meet a new partner if you get the chance to do it.

This new partner might be better ! In the eventual case where they are not, and your ex is back into your life then you would think about it all.

Keep the hope alive but don't put your life on hold (again, if she hasn't contacted you for a long period of time like in months). You only live once.

 

scubaskunk,

Because during that first conversation, if no one initiates a "want" to hang out or to do somehing later with the other person sometime, then it could be a loss of a chance of at least some kind of relationship for both of the individuals. Because I sure as hell am not just going to randomly show up everywhere that he is for a few months just to talk to him.

If running into him might be hard then as soon as you end the conversation and you're about to leave calmly say something like "call me sometime".

Simple yet very effective. It conveys the message that you won't be running after him but you'd like to see him again if he wants it.

 

"He knows Im going back there, and he has known since before we ever broke up.....do you think he would be nervous or what, since its kind of like anxiety for me, i wonder what it would be like for him, in a man's perspective..."

Why don't you wait and see with your own eyes ?

 

"Also, lets just say he backs away coldly during our first meeting, then how am I ever suppose to figure out the real reasons for the breakup??"

If he backs away coldly then you can almost be sure he won't give you an answer anyway. Even if you ask "what were the real reasons for the breakup ?".

[sid3]

Keep the hope alive but don't put your life on hold

 

That is the focus at this point. Hope won't die until I let it, I am now certain of that. No contact is no longer an option, as Bro D kindly reminded me, why ask for another helping of being treated like sh**, in fact I'd rather be treated sh*** than ignored, the dreaded silent treatment, the cruelest punishment of them all. I think groveling is the least thing I feel like doing, or rather be perceived as doing.

[dreamguy]

You have to reach a point where you either choose to forget about her (if she doesn't call within a few weeks) OR you choose to go after her again (calling, texting, emailing etc...).

If you go for the 1st option then start dating as soon as you can (and stop going to places, listenning to songs, looking at pictures that remind you of her).

If you go for the 2nd option then get ready for the worst: She might block you and ignore all your attempts.

But you cannot keep on lingering forever ! If she does answer and things slowly go back on track then so much for the better (but, if you want to protect yourself, that's the last outcome you should expect).

[sid3]

I appreciate your reply, I haven't reached the point of wanting to date. Forgetting about her is something I apparently am not ready for as well, working on not romanticizing like I have been too though. Both will take more time. I am pleased with myself for not making further contact, it was my doing, but the help from you guys has been a big part of it. While I am still taking it day by day, I am noticing the desire to contact her is not nearly what it was. It's just like the replies have said. I think the longest I have gone without emailing has been three weeks since I moved back to the same town. (I had moved out of state about 6 weeks after the break up, the classic flight) Now I'm at two weeks, I look forward to keeping my pride and what I'm thinking to myself, I'm not going to chase at all. At this point finding something to do for a few nights a week is key. Will be making that priority right after the holiday.

[sid3]

OR you choose to go after her again (calling, texting, emailing etc...).

 

This is the last thing I will do, I will move on completely before this. I will first give N/C a chance for awhile, seeing as I haven't been consistent with it until now. I am begining to question what I have really lost, and find myself thinking what I may have gained. I don't think all the pain has been in vain, as much as it sucks, it has helped me grow and better myself, if this relationship does not work out, I know 100% it will have only made me better for the next. There is a door that leads to healing, I am starting to see it. I gave enough of my pride away, I am keeping the rest.

[dreamguy]

I am begining to question what I have really lost, and find myself thinking what I may have gained. I don't think all the pain has been in vain, as much as it sucks, it has helped me grow and better myself, if this relationship does not work out, I know 100% it will have only made me better for the next. There is a door that leads to healing, I am starting to see it. I gave enough of my pride away, I am keeping the rest.

 

I'm glad to see you're starting to see things this way. Now you're starting to get some positive things out of having been with her/loved her in the past. It surely is better than just seeing negative aspects to it and moping around all day and it surely makes a better/stronger person out of you.

[twm]

JUST wanted some opinions on my situation... oh and i love this forum..

 

Well me and my girlfriend of 4 years parted 3 weeks ago, we were living with each other for over a year, and are very much in love and still "both" are in love. just recently last week she moved out and moved down to the beach to find a place to stay and a job, she says for the summer, the beach is 1 1/2 hours away. anyways, She said that being down there helps to clear her mind, it's a place for her to get away and to improver her self and make her self a better person. Reason why we broke up in the first place was because she kissed another guy. and because i hadn't been treating her like i should...... kinda but now i realize what i want out of life and what kind of person i need to be, and what i need to do to get there, she on the other hand has moved to the beach to clear her mind and work on her self to make her self a better person. She says she misses me very much and is STILL IN LOVE WITH me, and i know she's not saying that just to say it. well she's staying with her sisters at the beach right now, and i think she's found a job, or has an interview. well, I haven't talked to her since tuesday of last week untill this after noon when she called... she seemed very concerend to see if i was doing alright and coping well. i told her i was fine and i've been just going out living my life, etc... well i guess to make a long story short, she has and still does tell me that i'm the one for her just not right now, and that she still see's us getting married and kids, etc... and i see that too. AND I KNOW that it is very sincere <`sorry not the best speller. WEll i'm about to be 24 in a month and she's about to turn 21 this coming month, so i know that she's very confused because she says she is, and i know that the age i went through my confused faze. well so what do ya'll think, do you see us getting back together because i do , and god know i thinks she truly does too, so should i move on, or atleast play like i moved on with NC or am i just living in a false world and the chances of us not getting back together are slim???

 

thanks,

wayne

[sid3]

Your girl is telling you that she is still in love with you, sometimes love isn't enough. Give her the time and space she is looking for. She's still young. Your aware of that and what it means, your still young too, so I'd say realize that your both going to be changing just like everyone else does when they go through their twenties. I can tell you first hand that pushing and chasing can really hurt the relationship. You can get some very good advice, opinions and view points on this forum, but time and fate are still going to be where it is at.Good luck.

 

It's a bitch, missing the ex, not the contacting though. Had I not taken it a day at a time I wouldn't have made it this far. I did have the urge to email today for a bit, it passed, told myself what is another day, I can do it tomorrow. Feeling good because I have regained some control. If I'm curiuous as what my ex is thinking, I know there are/will be times when she will wonder as well. Having boosted the ego and given the control like I did, there is bound to be some kind of reaction. Cause and Effect

Doing the opposite of what I had been, consistant N/C . Standing my ground this time.

[twm]

yeah, i know......... I also know that NC will drive her absolutely crazy and she'll probally just drive down here to seem me, hehe anyways i take it one day at a time and we actually get along still really well. it's funny yesterday was the first day that i really missed her and broke down, and today she had called me and was torn up too, which definately makes me feel good because if a person really wants out for good normally it want bother them as bad. thanks for your reply,

 

wayne

[scubaskunk]

these two words seem to make even the most collected person go nuts. So my question is, if there is no contact from the both of you after 5 months, does that just mean that one of you are waiting for the other one to call first, or that one of the people have just moved on?

[dreamguy]

To answer your question scubaskunk and the topic of this thread What is considered a large amount of time for no communication with an ex? I'd like to say that everything is relative in love and relationships.

While most people advise you to stop contacting your ex after they have dumped you and you did your part in trying to show them you still care, it's important to understand that the final decision is always yours !

Keep in mind though that putting too much pressure on your ex and constatnly chasing them usually drives them away. It's better to be moderate in your actions as in all other areas of life.

To be able to give a fairly equitable opinion and/or advice people reading your post should have as much details as possible. The thing is, no matter how much details you give us, there will still be a lot of intricacies left out. Thus my point of view when I say, The final decision is always yours.

As Sid said: Some people get back together after 1 or 2 months, others years later and finally some never get back together. Even when they get back together, some couples split again. You see, love and relationships are becoming more and more complicated as the list of life's demands itself grows longer.