What is considered a large amount of time for no communication with an ex?

[dreamguy]

lost_in_chgo,

Yeah, OK, good. But explain....

What have you realized? How does it affect things?

I have realized that there were so many hints for me to see and yet I was blind. Had I seen them before it was too late I could have been able to deal with them and change the course of the relationship.

Dasani's words complement yours when he says "People that understand what trust is, know what it takes to earn it. They know that they can't DEMAND it. Like love, trust is developed when it feels right to do so."

One thing I have to add to my previous post is that she used to say "that she didn't trust me" all the time, although I never caused her to doubt me but, I'm telling you, she has serious trust issues when it comes to others. Add to that the fact that I have a rather strong personality which kind of freaked her out.

My case is a bit similar to Dasani's when he says "I really think it was the envy of my lifestyle that caused resentment on her part. I know that sounds arrogant, that isn't the intent.". and when he says "Her life was in total chaos at all times. My life is quite comfortable and relaxed; both financially and emotionally."

The thing is, I have a far more advanced education than my ex and I have a respectable job whereas she is unemployed for the time being. What's more is that on the day we parted she said "sometimes I feel inferior to you !" so guys, I think it says it all.

So lost_in_chgo, I have realized all of this but it's already too late. She has called a few times after we broke up but I feel the problems that led to the break itself are still there. She still doesn't trust me and still considers me to be superior (although I really don't understand this since I always treated her with respect).

The funny thing is that last time she called she said "I had a dream about you so I'm calling you now". What does she expect me to answer ?

I'm moving on with my life, slowly but surely although I must admit this was the only relationship where I still had hope and desire to get back with my ex after we broke up.

You know, eversince I have joined this forum, I have always kept a positive attitude and I tried to hide my pain thinking I would convince myself that I was over her. Today, more than 5 weeks after we've been apart, I feel I'm so down ! I think it's because I saw her at the beach yesterday. But I won't stop going there because she goes there. No way ! I have a lot of friends and I'm going to enjoy my summer no matter what !

Give me your feedback, it sure helps to hear unbiased and objective opinions.

[dasani08810]

"sometimes I feel inferior to you!"

 

 

Holy crap!! Those are the EXACT same words I heard. She asked questions about how to "get there"; I gave her answers and suggestions. Maybe it was just about "I want your lifestyle but I don't want to have to work for it, can't you just give me yours?" Uhhhhh No! I'll share it with you and give you all the help you need to realize your goal, but I can't give you what I have because it's something you have to get from yourself. No one can give you peace and security; those are feelings you have to develop on your own. If you feel inferior, than maybe on that level, you are.

 

Of course I NEVER said that to her; but damned if I didn't think that. I don't want to "rescue" anyone. I'm happy to help them if they want my help. Kind of the hand up vs hand out thing.

 

One has to DECIDE to make the change from addiction to chaos to addiction to peace.

 

If there is one quote that I live by; it's one from Tony Robbins

 

Change happens in an INSTANT; It's the DECISION TO CHANGE that we struggle with.

 

We can't make that decison for them.

 

This thread has taken one heck of a turn from it's original intent I think. So, I would like to say that there are some relationships that just don't work for whatever reason. But I think we are now talking about relationships that have failed as a result of some form of dysfunction. That is not to say that EVERY realtionship that fails is because of the same reason. Some just don't work and that's understandable. But what we have here is mostly people that have been cowards, ran, no sign of it coming and no real closure on an adult level. We are dealing with abandonment and someone that can do that to someone they "love" is, in my opinion, dysfunctional.

 

I just got an IM from her daughter. She's 11 years old, home alone everyday during the summer while her mom is at work; and, she told me there's nothing in the house to eat. Jeeeezzzzzeee, I'm thanking God I dodged this bullet!! This woman has no clue as to what responsibility is.

[Jenny317]

well I had a boyfriend Joseph, and me and him we very close and I saw him like every single day sorta, we went out for about 2 weeks and we both loved eachother SO MUCH, and we would do anything for eachother, well he broke up with me yesterday, and we are still talking. We don't wanna ignore each other. The truth is that he broke up with me because we had sex and my mom found out and he didn't want to get me into trouble. i'm 13, and he is 14. so it is sorta bad! He was just trying to protect me from getting into some more trouble! For you...you have to wait awhile, if she is running let her run for awhile until she can get her head back together and soon, she will talk to you! Hope it helped!

Good Luck,

Jenny

[BrotherD]

About the superior/inferior thing...

 

When they get it in their heads that you are "better" than them career/success wise look out!

 

The next step is annilation! Of you! And everything you stand for, everything you achieved, everything you've sweated blood for. When your dealing with lazy complainers, you replace the targets of their previous, unsuccessful past and become the repository for their venom. Teachers, well to do neighbors, wealthy classmates etc really hurt them in their past. They felt slighted by others looks, accomplishments etc.

 

Jealously sets in , and your are going to be "taken out..."

 

A perfect example of this a on much larger scale is Bill Gates of Microsoft. Wether you like him or not, think of the amout of bile that has be directed his way! Hell, he's had pies thrown in his face. PEOPLE ARE PISSED WHEN SOMEBODY SOMEWHERE IS HAVING A GOOD TIME OR IS MAKING IT! OR IS KICKING ASS IN LIFE.

Wow, this a lesson that I learned the hard way. My ex said I thought "I was better than everyone else."

IF I THOUGHT THAT WHY WOULD I BE HANGING OUT WITH A LOSER LIKE YOU! I was open and accepting of my ex's socio-economic backround. I DIDN'T CARE, I WAS IN LOVE!!! I thought that transcended all boundries...WELL I GUESS NOT!!!

 

It was when I was raked over the coals, and everything near and dear to me and everything I had accomplished in life was attacked, that I snapped and fights erupted. I actually defended myself! And justified my life and my accomplishments! Like it was something shameful that had to be explained! NEVER AGAIN.

 

Date within your gene pool. That's the answer to that quandry...YEESH

 

I had another revelation as well...

 

I held on way too tight. Told myself things about the realtionship that weren't neccassarily true, and essentially drove MYSELF crazy about it. I think it was Dasani that said "My ex wasn't making me sick, I WAS..."

 

Wow!!! That really hit me hard how right on that was. We create our reality and our reactions to things. And when we are too close to the situation we can't clearly see what's truly going on.

 

Why do we go into freaky mode with our ex's. I had many loves in my life and none hit me this hard. What chemical was realeased in our brains that made us so crazy about these mere mortals? I had no control over it! It just swept me away. One day I was fine the next day I'm being run around, lied to AND YET I STILL CAME AROUND AND PLAYED BALL! I did things I would have never done! I'm scared. I couldn't control it...

 

So back to original topic, what is considered a large amount of time for no communication with an ex?

 

As long as it takes to detox from the chemical addiction we had to our ex's. It it takes the rest of our lives, so be it.

No progress can ensue with out complete detox....Our ex's will be the first ones to sense we've changed. We will probably look, smell, and appear different...

 

Because ain't nothin gonna happen until then. I'll go out on a limb here and say that I'm not good dating material until I'm over it and get my head on straight!!!! There is no way you can be tweaky and obsessed and have a healthy relationship. We must get over it.

 

 

There, I feel better.

[dreamguy]

Dasani,

Maybe it was just about "I want your lifestyle but I don't want to have to work for it, can't you just give me yours?" Uhhhhh No! I'll share it with you and give you all the help you need to realize your goal, but I can't give you what I have because it's something you have to get from yourself.

You're reading my mind ! This is exactly what I was going through. Once I even found her a job. When I called her to tell her about it she got angry and said "what ? so now you're trying to find me jobs ?"

I feel you man ! I really do feel you when you say "Maybe it was just about "I want your lifestyle but I don't want to have to work for it, can't you just give me yours?". I think our stories look so much alike !

[sid3]

what we have here is mostly people that have been cowards, ran, no sign of it coming and no real closure on an adult level.

 

This is what has made it even tougher for me. Also as DG said, this is the first relationship where I have had hope and wanted to reconcile. It's good that your going to continue to go to the pool, definately a good call. I have decided it's time to move on, will be leaving the door open as I have read in a recent reply. "The post What is considered a large amount of time with no communication with an ex" Will eventually change, to There has been enough time without communication. i still have hope; it's for my own happiness. Gave up on trying to predict the future, except that I will be happy. We all will, and even though we may miss the ex's at times, we are the better people cause we didn't abandon and run away. Haven't made contact, will be 3 weeks monday, I am proud!

[lost_in_chgo]

[color=red]Dasani:[/color]

I responded "it's all about priorities. Maybe you should think about spending the 3 or 4 hours a night in a classroom instead of online or on the phone." Her response was "Damn, you are pompous!"

How the hell is that pompous? She asked me how to get there and I gave her a suggestion. That makes me pompous?

Critical maybe, but not pompous. You could have left off the instead of... part. Still it's a stretch. But I understand, my ex tried to break out of her nightmare by going to school, against the objections of her then husband who was unemployed. She succeeded in getting some experience and then some part time work and then a full time job (with a little assist from me, and long before we were ever involved.) It really was impressive that she could do that with no computer background, but she did. Smart cookie.

 

Yet the day to day idea of continue that intimidated her. Or maybe she was hitting a wall. In any case, she would stop and start toward learning new things or developing her career, but never follow thru. Always with the excuse of not having any time. (though with the kids, that's very true) She spent her free time playing online etc. but everyone needs downtime. But the constant talk about wanting to learn new stuff, then resisting every offer of training never made alot of sense. I used to say, "you aren't willing to spend the time it would take to get certified in that." She'd get upset, because other people would pie in the sky her and I was giving her tangible recommendations on how to accomplish her goals or to align her goals with what is realistic.

 

But that's part of the mentality. It's about dreaming rather than trying. In diehard cases it's about spending your paycheck on lottery tickets and beer instead of food or bills.

 

And I have always told her "beware of those that demand you trust them". People that understand what trust is, know what it takes to earn it. They know that they can't DEMAND it. Like love, trust is developed when it feels right to do so.

I always say that about respect. It isn't a right or a demand. It is commanded or earned.

 

 

But the fact is, they have to want it bad enough to see it.

And recognize it when they do.

 

Some people just see what they want but lack the courage to go out and get it themselves.

Most people I'd say. I used to listen to some people I work with whine about going out to lunch. "I can't afford to live like you, I have kids, etc." I'd say bull, you have a house, I have a house. You have two incomes, I have one. Your kids work and pay ome of the bills, I have none. If you are really that tight for cash, and we're talking about lunch out of the office for $5 a day, which is like $1000 a year, then get another job, because you can make 10% more just by switching jobs. But do they? No. Too comfortable. Too scared. The company realizes this and now they are giving 1.5% yearly increases. Ouch. That's less than cost of living, so it's actually a decrease in pay.

 

The ones that are addicted to stress and a stessful lifestyle are attracted to those that don't live that way. They think that if they get involved with someone like that, they can be automatically transformed into living peaceful. Once they realize that it takes work AND confronting the barriers of fear they have within themselves, they run back to what they know. CHAOS.

My ex said to me..."I don't want to work that hard at it." when I said that a good relationship takes some effort.

 

 

[color=red]Dreamguy:[/color]

I'm telling you, she has serious trust issues when it comes to others. Add to that the fact that I have a rather strong personality which kind of freaked her out.

Trust issues are common with children of divorce, or lost parents, or abused children. I have the strong personality thing too. My first marriage, about 15 years ago (too early) this was a big issue. A friend of mine and the exwife were both intimidated by me and gave me pompous/egotistical/arrogant etc, when it really came down to they were swapping fluids on the side and trying to justify it. Not that i'm not some of those things to an extent, but it was more about the cheating and educational differences I think.

 

"sometimes I feel inferior to you !"

I got, "you make me feel bad about myself, you're a wonderful guy but....". Some time ago I asked about insecurity and how to improve someone's sense of self-worth. It's too late for me to do it, she just thinks I'm playing her. And our mutual female acquaintances are all afraid to approach her about anything other than to ask her how she is doing. (older women who have been worthless, other than to advise me, why don't they help her?)

 

...still considers me to be superior (although I really don't understand this since I always treated her with respect).

I was told by one of our mutual work friends, an older woman that does talk to the ex, all of this stuff about socio-economic differences and that she just couldn't deal with the standards by which me and mine live. Now I don't mean wealth or affluence. I was raised blue collar, work a white collar job, I spend too much some times, and nothing at other times, but I always pay my bills and I don't overspend on entertainment and travel and luxuries. She said that those kind of standards are something she's just not used to. They were used to do what you want when you want and that's what always kept them in the boat they were in.

 

So it isn't so much about what you did as who you were.

 

 

[color=red]Dasani:[/color]

No one can give you peace and security; those are feelings you have to develop on your own. If you feel inferior, than maybe on that level, you are.

Yes. And hopefully they will. But that takes some introspection and at least in my case my ex is running away from that long look at herself and where she wants to be.

 

I don't want to "rescue" anyone. I'm happy to help them if they want my help. Kind of the hand up vs hand out thing

Whew, I got accused of that too. Want to rescue her. I found that insulting. I replied, I'm not trying to rescue her, but I will help her. But I won't hand it to her, I'll just enable her to fix it herself.

 

Keep in mind that they walked away from that help. That says something too. It clearly demonstrates that their reason for being with you was not monetary in nature and that they don't prioritize your wealth above anything else. That's a point for them in the final tally.

 

I just got an IM from her daughter. She's 11 years old, home alone everyday during the summer while her mom is at work; and, she told me there's nothing in the house to eat. Jeeeezzzzzeee, I'm thanking God I dodged this bullet!! This woman has no clue as to what responsibility is.

Careful with that. Kids have a way of being very manipulative. It's rare that a mother doesn't provide food for her kids. And nothing to eat could mean no ice cream or candy and a fridge full of real food.

 

 

[color=red]BrotherD:[/color]

Jealously sets in , and your are going to be "taken out..."

Well, that's true for some I suppose. Certainly my exwife had that sort of venom. But my ex doesn't, she's just running.

 

 

Date within your gene pool. That's the answer to that quandry...YEESH

And there you have it.

 

[color=red]A general broadcast question here[/color]

Has anyone gone thru this and had the hyper-insecure ex return?

[agnf666]

So, today (July 2) has been been exactly 1 month since me and my ex broke up. Our relationship was stupid. He only lived about an hour from me and basically told me he was tired of coming all the way up to my house and that he works 60 to 65 hour weeks. So, he has no time. Then he tells me don't do anything stupid now that we are offical broke up? What the hell does that ass mean by that??? Anyway, I only called him once about 4 days after we broke up and he ignored my call anyway. He told me to call him when ever I wanted to , and that he really wanted to be friends with me. Okay, but why is he playing the no contact game. I wouldn't give to ****s to talk to him anywy (once in a while would be okay). Need some advice!!!!

[dasani08810]

A general broadcast question here

Has anyone gone thru this and had the hyper-insecure ex return?

 

Lost:

 

Really....why would you want that? If you're asking if they can fix themselves...sure they can. But, I think by that time, you'll already be long gone. By the time they get a clue to their problem, get it fixed, and find their own security; you are talking at least months, most likely years, and possibly never. To take them back before that would only result in more of the same behavior. Would one want to go through this again? I think not.

 

However, I would say for myself, if she got to the point of admitting it to herself; I would return a little. With every step she took upon herself to fix it I would take a step closer. Right now, I want nothing to do with her. If she ever happened to call and tell me "I see what I did that contributed to the breakdown and I'm going to start to focus on fixing it." I would slow down my moving on; but I wouldn't stop moving on. When she started therapy or whatever course of action she thinks is necessary for her to fix it (independent of me), I'd slow down a little more; etc. But to take her back on only a "promise" to fix only serves to diffuse the magnatude of the crisis. It doesn't diffuse the crisis itself. She needs to take a step in a direction.

 

My life is back to peaceful without her in it. There is NO WAY I would give it up for her at this point in the game. I don't want the mess back. I remember only a week ago, I would love to see her show up in my inbox. Now, I cringe at the sight of her name in the "from" field. I was just deleting it without reading it. Now I've set up my email client to auto-delete and auto respond.

 

The auto respond just says; "This is an auto-response: Your message was not downloaded and was automaticly deleted. It was unread. I want no more text about this situation. I don't want to be your friend right now. Should you get to the point where you can: admit your contribution to the breakdown of our relationship, DECIDE to fix your part of it, and become proactive in fixing it: then we can re-establish VOICE communication. I have already told you that I accept some of the blame; however, I will no longer accept your ongoing claims that it has been ALL my fault. I have taken all you have said, filtered it somewhat, and am taking care of my part of the problem. If you continue to refuse to look in the mirror, and be honest with yourself, then you cannot be part of my life. I won't allow myself to be beat up anymore. Should you continue with the attitude you have; then the only thing left to say is: I wish you luck and happiness in all your future relationships; and wish you a long happy life."

 

I think I made myself pretty clear on that. :-)

 

But do you really want the mess back?

[lost_in_chgo]

Well, in your case maybe it was a huge mess.

In mine she was just insecure. Then poof, she was running.

She didn't screw up my life in any way, and in alot of ways she made it alot better.

 

I'm not sure where you are trying to go with your relationship, but it sounds as if you really want to be done with her. So maybe its just hurt pride. Move on. If you don't want it anyway, why even consider it?

[dasani08810]

Some is hurt pride. The other is that I'm kind of a hopless romantic. There was a lot of good with her; but it's at the point where the bad far outweighs the good and I can't be in it anymore.

 

The bad things are just a couple of things that can be fixed..but, they are pretty bad..so, I have let this relationship die and have started to move on. But still there's a part of me that wants to go shake her and yell "how can you be so blind?". I do still care about her and hate that she will continue to sabotage her relationships. But, like my kids, they HAVE to touch the stove to see for themselves. I can't stand by to watch or be a direct nor indirect participant.

 

Have you ever seen the movie "Regarding Henry"? I'm looking over my shoulder thinking MAYBE she gets "shot in the head" so to speak. I'm moving forward and moving on; but, I know I'm occasionally looking over my shoulder to see if she's coming. If not, the present "her" is not much of a loss; the "potential" her is quite a loss.

 

As my distance grows, she is getting smaller and smaller in the picture. One day, she'll be just a speck on the painting of my life. That's the process for me.

[sid3]

I held on way too tight. Told myself things about the realtionship that weren't neccassarily true, and essentially drove MYSELF crazy about it. I think it was Dasani that said "My ex wasn't making me sick, I WAS..."

 

I couldn't agree with you more. I have begun telling myself the same thing, and have even started reminding myself that I am moving on.I have to start somewhere, I really haven't wanted to in some ways, but it's been put off for WAY too long. It is amazing how many women there are out there, your right, being tweaked about the ex is not good dating material.

[Kate]

[color=red]Dasani, BroD, sid3, dreamguy:[/color]

 

are we all related?? i can't believe what i am reading here. like you three, though I am a woman, I have a very outgoing, charismatic and "strong" personality. i can be percieved as threatening ... but am NOTHINg of the sort! despite a powerful exterior, and a hell of a lot to offer in terms of brains, financially equipped family, lots of friends, i am so sensitive. i'm a lamb inside. but i think when you get involved with someone not so much like you, they become scared. i'm trying to make some parallels to my ex (who i want to be with badly still)....

 

he is terribly genuine, trusting and honest. however, as a child he was extremely shy, disconnected from him father (they get along but no relationship) who was divorced from his mom at age 5, had a stepdad who was nice but lazy, and a mom who he adores but who he's not terribly close to either. he's totally sociable, but not the leader of the pack, blue collar job of which he's trying to start his own business, good looking but not to die for, kinda your average job. BUT, the thing that keeps me running is the first sentence of this paragraph. cause like you people, i have always been involved with people who ran from me cause they felt inferior...i have always felt like i was picking them up and making THEIr lives better. i was tired of being the motivator when i had my OWN issues to deal with. which, frankly although i feel are important, are not that bad, as i am constantly introspective, receptive and all about change. to me, that's all you need!

 

so anyway, i guess the point i'm tyring to make here is that maybe my ex and i weren't working out because he was scared of me? i know it sounds stupid, but whenever i wasn't my most positive awesome self, he ran away. when there was a problem, he detached himself emotionally -- on the surface it seemed that he wanted to work on it, but didn't have the capability to do so. i am a very passionate person and i think that that scares people who are simple or "too simple for their own good". i don't know. i just felt that i was always the one making the effort, and that he was scared to get too close to me. do any of you have that experience? i have been thinking for so long that i was the one with the problem...but then i think about his poker face that he wore ALL the time and how hard it was to know where he was coming from, and i realize that I was the REAL person...faicng up to my emotions, things i need to work on...that's a recipe to have a REAL relationship.

 

so were any of your ex's, though great in some areas, like mine? almost TOO emotionally stable? a little TOO steady? where it kinda felt like something was off? where you didn't know where they were coming from and they avoided confrontations like the plague? i know he was emotionally capable, but i just always felt like i was more upfront than him. then he just pulled away and ran at the first negative thing. he couldn't deal with anything at times, but never overreacted...his even steven-like demeanor bothered me. thinking about it in retrospect, i have so much that he doesn't (but maybe becuase i'm passionate, a bit erradic, up and down that i crave someone stable and consistent like my dad!!) -- even just at first glance. i also take into account his last relationship. it was with a girl who clearly didn't even compare to HIM -- and he was with her for 4 years! it's like he went for the safest thing he could find, something that would def. not hurt him. then he found me, something he THOUGHT he wanted as i seemingly have everything, and he coudn't give me anything at all emotionally. so i know i am rambling a bit here, but are any of you have similar thoughts in retrospect? did you "outshine" your exs and then YOU were the one who got dumped? now, i know my ex didn't break up with me out of the blue, it came on after arguing (on my part about the fact that i never knew where he was coming from or if he cared for me cause he didn't really show it well), but at the same time, maybe he was afraid? he said there was too much arguing. but deep down i think he's just scared. there is nothing and was nothing that said he fell out of love with me, didn't LOVE hanging out with me, didn't look up to me and compliment me, etc.

 

thoughts? experiences like this?? and WE are the ones on here, trying to be introspective...

[dreamguy]

i know my ex didn't break up with me out of the blue, it came on after arguing (on my part about the fact that i never knew where he was coming from or if he cared for me cause he didn't really show it well), but at the same time, maybe he was afraid? he said there was too much arguing. but deep down i think he's just scared. there is nothing and was nothing that said he fell out of love with me, didn't LOVE hanging out with me, didn't look up to me and compliment me, etc.

If I had to rephrase your line above I would copy it exactly as it is (I would only switch the "he" with a "she").

The truth is, I feel the exact same thing and I can't change a word. Then again, what's new ? I have already identified with many of your posts most of the time (except for a few). Kate, when someone feels somehow inferior to you (financially or in education matters or in physical appearances) they inherently become overwhelmed by every second they spend with you. The nature of the relationship itself becomes so stressing to them and so they reach a point in time where they feel smothered. I don't think your ex left you because of the fights. It was just an excuse for him, an easy way out. Don't tell me you expected him to say "Hey Kate, I feel inferior to you in so many ways and it makes me feel bad about myself. I even get jealous". Well, at least my ex said it. She said "I feel inferior". And at first, when I heard that I thought to myself "wtf" ! And it was only after reading Dasani and Lost_in_chgo's posts that it hit me ! So you see, they dump you to get the upper hand. They dump you to feel superior. The more you chase them, the better they feel and it soon becomes an addiction to them. They feed on your obstinate pursuit and your desperate acts to even feel more superior ! Do you know what I think ? I think this is not fair, this is blackmail. But nothing is fair in Love. There are no rules.

So to get back to the topic of this post (talking about the case where your ex leaves you because they feel inferior) the larger the amount of time for N/C the better. It makes them realize they will not be able to feel superior to you by breaking up with you !

[sid3]

the larger the amount of time for N/C the better. It makes them realize they will not be able to feel superior to you by breaking up with you !

 

Good point, not only is it a control issue, but I agree, it does make them feel as though they are superior because they feel as though they have the upper hand. My ex has it, cause I gave it to her, but I am slowly taking it back. I like your reply on another post, DG where you referenced ignoring them and it will take away their power and feeling of control. I know my ex, it will have that effect.

 

Bro D hit it perfectly, I was telling myself things about the ex that weren't true. Making myself sick, and hurting. The grief is starting to decrease, still some there, I think what has truly helped me these last few weeks has been the N/C attitude. I remind myself that my ex has/had problems with herself and her life that had nothing to do with me. I'm not in her life right now, but I can't imagine the problems all vanished when she left, to be more accurate;when she ran away.I may be posting here quite a bit, but I'm not making contact, so it's what works for me.

[Kate]

sid-- well yes if she has issues then you can ignore my other reply on theother post about your situation.

 

i find that the more i get "over" him and start loving myself, the less needy i feel -- and the more i want to contact him!!! is that normal?

 

dg, you are so on target with the "smothering" comment -- but what do you mean by that excatly?? how is it that they feel smothered? that is EXACTLY how my ex felt!! what does that mean?

 

i'm sorta/not really doing the NC thing -- i actually sent him a text today asking him to dinner tonight but he can't becuase he has a family thing going on. but responded within 1 minute of my text and was detailed in what he was doing...i'm at the point where i feel i can truly handle contacting him and either seeing him or having him be busy. i'm trying to feel a friendship here, so far it has worked...i need to feel this thing out more. but the stronger i get, the less reluctant i am to contact him because i'm actually feeling strong again!

 

my approach at this point to his text saying he was busy is this -- i didn't text him back, i'm just gonna leave it at that. i think that by him seeing that i'm truly "ok" one way or another, whether we see eachother or not, is important. the most imporatnt part in my situation right now is for him to see that after he "lets me down" (which really just means him n/a to hang out like just now) i'm fine. before, i would act negatively, needy, etc. now, i'm acting different. i'm almost just acting on impulse now, using everyting as an experienment to act much dfferent than i did b efore.

 

so the more i learn about the mentality of my ex, the easier it is for me to feel more confident and not think stupid thoughts about myself. i don't know if i'll hear from him again this weekend after i already called him, but at least when he DOES contact me i'll be so upbeat and positive it WILL throw him off.

 

some of you here may disagree with my actions but i am now in a position to KNOW what i'm doing will generate the effect i want. i need to put myself in situations with him where, earlier i would have acted poorly...and now, i'm almost indifferent and totally positive!! now this is not that easy, but i can't be so static here. and, i know he wouldn't invite me to his dads where he is going tonight cause i have actually neve rhad the chance ot meet his dad so it would be wierd. and other family memebrs. so it would be too odd for everyone at this time for us, too many questions. he said he'd be back later, but didn't ask for plans.

 

it's amazing how the "lower" person in the relationship generates the upperhand. now, i don't question my ex's motives, i know he truly loves me, but i LET him take that upperhand and i gave up MY pride. he didn't do this to m e. things need to change and i need to to change myself first -- which is a transformation i started making last week. when i just got that text message, at the beginning, i wanted to throw up, then i remembered everything i have been "practicing" this week. it's all about my own personal attitude. if i drop, he may call me later or next week and i may feel sick from it. i need to focus on the positive, our posisitvce expreince last week, and know that he has the decency to contact me.

 

is my ex different in that although he is totally genuine and never tried to hurt me, he still made me nuts? why are these people so overwhelmed by people like "us"? we are the ones who get shafted! maybe they just distance themselves before they can get shafted. but honestly, now that i really see where i stand, and myself in a position of strength, it makes it less easy for me to feel weak and negatively affect the relationship. i think that if i keep acting like i am now, i can win. i know for a true fact the boy loves me, the arguing ruined things. it was my negativity to a situaion i didn't understand but i'm starting to...what do you guys think? i need to grasp control of this and bring things back to a point where we were at as friends. i owe it to myself to regain my own power and turn around a situation the way i need for it to be. that boils down to stopping the hurt. i refuse to give into pain again, to feel pain from his actions. cause i know understand what they mean!! and if i can learn to react appropriate ly to them, things might actually look up for him andme.

[dasani08810]

I won't cut and paste the same paragragh again; but HOLY SHIIT!!! My ex used to always tell me I made her feel inferior! When I met her, I was toned and tightbody; she was a bit overweight. Not much, but just a bit. She didn't want to exercise; but always complained about her weight. She actually asked me to put on about 25 pounds!! I'm 5' 11'' and weighed 180 at the time. My body fat was in single digits and I was buff. But, I complied and put on some weight. Now I'm wondering if it was some form of control on her part to not have me so fit to bring me down to some level she was comfortable with so she didn't feel so bad about her own weight.

 

Kate,

 

I too have a strong personality. But everything I do is about being good to who I'm with. I always open doors, pay for dinner, dates, trips....everything. I took her kids to school so she didn't have to leave early for work to drop them off, bought her spontainious gifts, I mean, all she did was look at something like she wanted it, and I would go back to the store and get it for her. I would drive 3 hours round trip just to take her to lunch. Sexually, we were on all the time. Sometimes I would just drive to her place in the middle of the night and "take care of business". She absolutely LOVED that. I NEVER EVER yelled at her or called her anything other than her name or pet names. I look back and really would love to date me!! LOL

 

But I do remember taking her and her kids to Florida on vacation. I spent probably around 5k on the trip and she didn't have to spend a dime; she would bring up several times over the course of the trip what a piece of shiit I was for this or that. She got drunk and was VERY abusive on New Years eve in Key West. She blamed it on the alcohol (of course).

 

 

so were any of your ex's, though great in some areas, like mine? almost TOO emotionally stable? a little TOO steady? where it kinda felt like something was off? where you didn't know where they were coming from

 

This is the one that got me though. She used to BRAG about her game face. She would always say she could have a nail in her chest and no one would ever know by her expression. She would NEVER cry over anything. NOTHING!! In some instances I had no idea what she was thinking and to her, that was a strength.

 

Her ex used to tell her "You destroy people". I should have interviewed him before dating her. It seems that is exactly what she does. He was successful too. He made way into the 6 digits. She comes from a VERY dysfunctional background and was neglected by very cold parents. I mean, I have my issues with my family; but, in my defense, I have no problem going to therapy, opening a book, or whatever it takes to make my life normal. I am VERY introspective and try all kinds of things to deal with issues that cause problems in my life. I just want to be happy. My friends are mostly successful and stable; her's ALL have serious issues with their lives or marriages. Maybe my lifestyle just doesn't fit with what she considers normal. Hell, I don't know.

 

She runs from the thought of going to therapy. I had once told her that I would never consider another marriage without going to marriage counseling first. No way!! She didn't want to because "the marriage counselor would probably start to focus on her issues" and she didn' t want that.

 

She would say one thing and do something different; whenever I called her on it, she would respond "you have no right to judge me!" I'm thinking, I'm not "judging" you, I'm observing an inconsistancy in words vs actions.

 

She was EXTEMELY jealous of the friendship I have with my ex; but yet, she invites her 1st ex over for beers and dinner when I'm not around.

 

There were soooooo many double standards. Everything I did was wrong; but, I couldn't call her on any inconsistancies. And she DEMANDED I trust her. Go figure!!!

[sid3]

Sticking with the N/C, it's three weekends, pretty much where I broke last time. I am feeling abit stronger now, the urge is there but it seems easier to control. Thanks for the all the advice and support.

[rukallstar]

Sid I'm proud of you for coming this far. I've been following this post for quite some time.

 

I posted a while back. I was the one with the ridiculous weekend. I went to visit my ex after we started talking on the phone. We had a great time when we weren't in her apartment and feeling sexual tension. When we were in her apartment it was hell. We dated off and on for 2 years, we're both mercurial people. I was an a**h*** in the beginining but I changed my ways. We had a good run, but long distance was the kiss of death. Plus she is young, she just truned 25, I'm 29. When we parted 5 weeks ago, we had just had sex about an hour before, which she initiated, and she was spelling out my last name with hers and she didn't want me to leave for my plane. we both said that we love each other but that we can't contact each other for six months. this was my suggestion, because i was tired of the roller-coaster. we tried to break up in february and we didn't speak for two months, we had both slept with other people. she in fact had dated a guy for a month that she liked. not a surprise. he didn't call her for two months and of course called the night i was coming in. her parents are having problems and she sees me as being very similar to her dad and she wants to make sure that she is not too young like her mom when she gets married. i mean we were joking around at the birthday party that i organized for her that we weren't going to talk for six months and then we were going to get married. her mom pulled her aside over the weekend and told her that she should marry me, as did her dad. her friends in dc, i live in chicago--think that we make a great couple. but i know, and she knows that if she doesn't use this time in her life to explore then she will hold it over my head and make me miserable. i'm looking at the 40 year picture, not just tomorrow.

 

i love this girl dearly and i miss her. i have not contacted her for 5 weeks. trust me i'm torn. i'm trying to move on. i've been on a bunch of dates, but nothing with a connection. i know i have to give it time, and i know that i shouldn't contact her. i was the one who wanted the relief. i guess what i'm asking is if you or any one you know has gotten back together after something like this. i mean to talk about marriage as i was going onto the plane. her parents in full support of us being together, along with many of her friends. hell most of the friends she has in dc are because of me. i lived with her for 3 months there (best time of my life) and made sure she met people and had a good social network. i even felt that it would be used against me because it would give her a greater sense of independence, but that is exactly what she needs. keeping this in mind does this sound like it may have a chance in the future, a year from now or so. or is just wishful thinkning and she was using me as emotional support, until another man came into her life. her problem with me is how i treated her in the beginning, and she even admitted that that is her problem and that she needs to get over it. i'm just a sap. but i love her.

 

any advice. i'm going to continue no contact and to make things more plausible for the future i'm probably going to be moving to nyc for a new job. should i tell her once i get the new gig. that was a little point of contention because of a little lack of stability on my part. she's a painter, so someone has to offer stability. is that cool to break no contact for that reason. just an e-mail. not asking her who she's dating or telling her that i love her. just a sign of newly gained strength that's all. any advice is appreciated.

 

thank you and good luck!

[Kevin Kristopher]

Hey Dribilz, i read your post that you put up when replying to sid and it made me feel so much better and i am going to read it everytime i start feeling sh*tty, but what you said you did, how you pushed for like a year an a half, i did the same thing but tell me if my situation is different. We're both students at Arizona State University and this past school year i wanted to get back together, we broke up like 2 weeks into the year. So now its summer and i decided to do the no contact thing since she is going home which is in northern california and i'm in southern california thinking that the time apart would go in hand with the no contact because i can't see her. so b4 i told her i couldn't talk to her for awhile i asked her 2 questions, 1-do you love me? and she said yes, and 2-are you still sexually attracted to me and she said of course, then like 15 min later into conversation when i was ending i told her that i had to do the N/C thing. but in your situation your obviously in the same city or area and you got your ex to want to see you and obviously i can't get that same satisfaction you could say. It has been 2 fulls weeks since i have talked to her but i'm curious if doing the NO Contact when sepearted like this was a good idea? could i please get some advice, thanx

[miggsbucks]

Oh no! it looks like this post has finished! How are you doing sid? I'm on day 25 of no contact (from 16th June). She has im'd me once just saying she hopes "all is well", that was on 28th June. I just replied back saying "i'm doin well, hope you are too" I just wanted to keep it as neutral as her message was. This is the first post I've made on here.

 

I've found this thread a fascinating read, and liked it so much I signed up. I would have by now contacted her all the time, but I have found some very sound advice on here from people in a similar position to me. This has convinced me "no contact" is the best policy. I want her to remember the good times we had together, rather than remember me as a needy wuss. Any relationship based on need isn't good anyway. Its also taught me to re-visit myself, and try to focus on what I really want out of life.

 

A friend of mine has a quote on their fridge:

 

"Happiness is a journey, not a destination...

For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life but there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. "

 

And i also found this on the web somewhere:-

 

"Many people look for happiness all their lives and never find it. Some people seem to never be anything BUT happy. Don't you always wonder what their secret is? How on earth they can be happy at all with bad things happening?

 

Well let me tell you a big secret....... Your happiness is all up to YOU, and not anything or anybody else at ALL! Sure, some people "make" us happy, but what happens when they're not there any more? We get depressed. Owning or buying something may make us happy too...for a while at least. But none of this lasts. People drift away and possessions lose their newness, and we look for the happiness all over again.

 

But there is a way to be happy almost all the time! And it doesn't rely on people, pets or possessions. It relies on you and your mental attitude. How we think is how our life turns out. I've known many many people who whine and moan or think bad things will happen. And wham, they do. Then we have those who are determined to do things and think they will do it and, surprise surprise, they succeed. Because when we think bad will happen we'll do anything to make it happen. Same with success. How many people have you known to break up with someone because they were scared the other person was about to break their heart? If you're honest most of us have either done it or known someone who has. They were so scared of it happening they made it happen. Or the person who cheerfully goes against the odds and succeeds? There's a few of them too. The proof is all around us if we've the guts to look for it.

 

So how to change your way of thinking? Sorry, no quick fix here. Nothing worth having is fast and easy. It's similar to the self esteem way, as it's often linked. Work on your self esteem (how many depressed egomaniacs have you met?), and also look for the good in everything. EVERY situation. Remember that everything is meant to happen for a reason, so if your car won't start, maybe it's because you might have had an accident if it had. Or maybe being dumped is because you'd not have met your soul mate otherwise....however far away that is.

 

Learn to accept what is. If you can't do anything about it, there's no use worrying about it. If you can do something about it then do it, or at least make a plan for doing it. Remember you can't control another person. Only yourself. You are responsible for your own emotions, words, thoughts, actions and reactions. You have power over who you are. Total control. If you have a bad or worrying thought, then think "Thank you, but that is not my reality. My reality is......" and think a positive thought. Example.... you're worried someone hasn't called and think "oh what if they never call!" ...then think "Thank you, but that is not my reality. My reality is that they are simply busy right now or have phone problems and they will call me when possible." The more you do it, the easier it gets.

 

Don't expect to be happy every minute, because there will always be things to sadden us. But remember the good things too. And if you work on you being your source of happiness, it won't rely on whether they call, or if you'll be healthy again, or if you own the latest CD. "

[sid3]

hahaha....I agree, I too have enjoyed this thread. It was on the 1st page for quite sometime, it has started to fade to the back over the last week or two. To answer the question "what is consider a large amount of time without communication from the ex" one simply has to ask themselves; have I realized I am better off without this person, has there been more than enough energy spent on feeling the pain,have you killed the hope which has only lead you to denial and the avoidance of accepting that the relationship is dead, done more than enough romantizing of the ex to the point that they did no wrong,spent more than enough time feeling grief and despair to keep the world from appearing as unlimited as it truly is, and can you feel good knowing that your ex knows you're no longer interested in contacting them and really do not care what he/she is thinking about the fact that there is no effort being made to further their control and feed their ego. That is what I consider to be a large amount of time without communication from the ex...... My situation didn't suck, my ex did, she is toxic. What didn't kill me has made me stronger....and now I am Happy And times when I'm not, I tell myself that I am and it seems to work just fine.

[nikkicam71]

Can I get a what-what?!! He broke up w/ me two months ago, but only stayed away for two weeks before emailing/calling...telling me how sorry he was for hurting me...too much stress in his life, yadda yadda...can we be friends. NOW...before he dumped me, he told me he thought it was selfish of me to say that if we couldn't be together, we couldn't be anything. He told me if I ever really cared for him, and he cared for me, the LEAST we should do is remain friends. SO...when he asked for friendship, that guilty voice nagged at me. So I allowed it. For five weeks, he called me once or twice a week. I NEVER called him, unless I missed his call and was calling him back. finally, after he returned from a trip to CA (a trip I gave him airline tix for and arranged for his GD birthday!) he called...we talked for an hour and a half about his life, his business, his trip...him, him, him...how WONDERFUL everything is! I hung up the phone and said, what the hell am I doing????

 

Twenty min later I picked up the phone and put the kabosh to it. Told him i'd really tried the friend thing, but it hurt me too much each time we talked...I was giving myself false hope. He's happy w/ his life, and I'm happy for him, but I can't do this. This breakup wasn't what I wanted, and I don't want to be around when he starts dating someone else. I don't know what might happen in the future, but right now, I can't be friends. If something changes for you (him) and you miss me, want to see me, want to see where things might go w/ us, by all means, call me.

 

His response? If anything ever changes with you..I mean, you know, if you're ever okay with it, whichever comes first, please call?

 

I told him to take care of himself, said goodbye, and HUNG UP THE DAMN PHONE.

 

Each day I want to choke myself with missing him. Each day I wish I'd never told him to go away because I miss his voice so much it's killing me. At the END of each day, I am SO glad I didn't call.

 

18 days and two dates later....and going strong.

 

One day at a time, kids!

 

~Nikki

[dasani08810]

Nikki,

 

 

Yep! And THAT is how you stop the dance!! Cool for you!

[nikkicam71]

Thank you, dasani! by the way..I noticed I'm not the only one with late night/early am posts...are we ALL suffering from the same insomnia monster?? I'd give ANYTHING to end the madness! That tylenol PM only gave me four hours the other night...and almost two days of groginess, with no additional relief!!

 

~Nikki