sid3 Posted May 8, 2004 Share Posted May 8, 2004 I was wondering what would be considered a large amount of time with no communication with a former girlfriend. I haven't spoken with my x girlfriend in 4 months. I still love her very much. I am hopefull that we will get back together. I have been told not to push,ie:call, write etc. that it would only drive her away further. Although the lonliness sucks, I am wanting to spend the rest of my life with her, so I can accept some time apart. Do couples seperate for months like this and get back together? Any examples would really be appreciated! I know there are no rules in love, but are there some guidelines? I don't want to live in denial by being hopeful. I can honestly say by having been left, I have grown up abit, realize what I had, and have decided that I always wanted to communicate better, just got lazy and comfortable. I'm not looking to meet anyone else, I am just living my life day today, even though I miss her all the time. I may be slightly addicted to her, but I don't believe I'm co-dependent. If anyone has heard of seperations that last for months, please let me know. Thank you......... Link to post Share on other sites
hurtingandconfused Posted May 8, 2004 Share Posted May 8, 2004 I haven't ...if that helps with your question. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted May 8, 2004 Share Posted May 8, 2004 I've been broken up for 7 months now. She tried constant contact for a couple months. Then no contact for 4. Then she reached out to say high and tell me not to talk to her about it. Then she disappeared again. I called a month later. We talked for an hour. Then nothing. I IM'd her tonight. She replied and we chatted for a short while until I ended the conversation. So yes things can take time. Give her some space and let her set the schedule. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted May 8, 2004 Share Posted May 8, 2004 my current boyfriend and I were apart for... a year and... over a year and a half before we got together again. We had some pretty serious personal things to resolve and a relationship wasnt possible. After awhile, both of us had other relationships during that time that wer fairly serious but relatively short-lived. And dated quite a bit. We didn't break contact completely, but it was an email here, a phone call there, every other month or so. (Not talking about dating, but we knew - just couldn't handle hearing about it or even talking about it.) I always knew that he still loved me/wasn't "over" me, but life went on. I'd been thinking about him and comparing him to other guys I'd been seeing and nobody loved me like he did and I didn't love them or know them, either.. He knows me differently than anyone does... So one day I called him and mentioned that I missed him and would like to see him. He bought me a ticket right there while on the phone. Dunno, it just happened that way. Couldn't be happier. It is amazing when someone really loves you and knows who they love. You can't forget a guy like that. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted May 8, 2004 Share Posted May 8, 2004 Thanks Magda Link to post Share on other sites
meanttolive4ever Posted May 8, 2004 Share Posted May 8, 2004 ive gone like 3 weeks without talking to my ex...but then i would call every now and then...so every week basically one of us calls eachother but im never home to answer the phone. when we see eachother we're really happy and we flirt a lot...grr i wish he would make up his mind who he wants to be with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sid3 Posted May 8, 2004 Author Share Posted May 8, 2004 Thanks for the replies. I think my toughest choice right now is whether I should think with my head or listen to my heart. I honestly feel it would be easier to give up and move on as the saying goes rather than to go on wondering if my x girlfriend will have a change of heart. But life isn't suppose to be easy all the time. I think it would be ashame to not wait and see how things develop, at least that is what my heart tells me to do. It is amazing how easy it is to take someone for granted, even yourself. I recently read some posts about the no contact rule. Makes sense to me, but it's not an easy thing to do, I've made it this far, except for a couple of emails which weren't returned. I was actually glad I didn't get a nasty reply telling me things I hope are not what she wants. I'm glad I have found this message board site, realized that I'm not the only one with questions like these... Link to post Share on other sites
Twilite Man Posted May 9, 2004 Share Posted May 9, 2004 Me and my girlfriend did the same and she said that she wants time to decide what she wants. After hearing what Magda said I have hope again I hope its sooner though Link to post Share on other sites
meanttolive4ever Posted May 10, 2004 Share Posted May 10, 2004 i just wish my ex would leave a message or something...so i can figure out if these unknown callers are him or not Link to post Share on other sites
laur24 Posted May 10, 2004 Share Posted May 10, 2004 I am going through the same thing as you right now, sid. only in your ex's position. i Broke up with my ex and haven't talked to him in about 3 months. I was the one who ended it because he was my first serious boyfriend and i wanted to see what else was out there. Even though i still do, and still think i need more time alone, I am more and more thinking that he was really the one and that i have made a horrible mistake. i sure hope that after being apart for months or even a year, that couples can get back together. i am glad to hear that you would be willing to take your ex back, becuase i have been fearing every day that my ex will never forgive me for breaking his heart. but i want you to know that your ex may right now be feeling as i do, wanting to possibly get back together, and maybe worrying you won't take her back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sid3 Posted May 10, 2004 Author Share Posted May 10, 2004 It is nice to hear from someone on the otherside of seperation. I think people make mistakes, that's how we learn. I would take my x girlfriend back even though she broke my heart. Only because this seperation has made me realize how much I really love her and that the reasons why she left were good ones. I am not just willing to communicate, but wanting to now because I have seen how vital it is to a healthly realtionship. I am aware of what the problems were, and consider them easily changed. I hope she is having thoughts like yours, but I can only wonder. I hate the no contact rule, but it is what I must do. They say time heals, but 4 months and I miss her more and more. I'm not sure if I could take her back if she were to have a relationship while we're apart. I try not to think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
meanttolive4ever Posted May 10, 2004 Share Posted May 10, 2004 i would take my ex back after he grew up a little. He wants to play high school games and i dont. I dont see the point in it. its stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
John1 Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 Sid, Hang in there, I was with my x girlfriend for 4 years ( i sent a long post earlier so wont repeat it ) and 11 months ago, we split up... now i tried everything to get her back.. but nothing worked... the last time i saw her was in january.. I saw her yesterday.. i did something stupid.. i waited by a gas station for 90 minutes just to see her.. i know she walks home from work... she was kind of stunned to see me.. I told her that I love her and am still in love with her.. She says she doesnt love me anymore and we wont be getting back together EVER again.. So im heartbroken..even though its 11months since the split.. i still love the girl and want her back.. I agree with everything you say sid... im glad people do give 2nd chances to their exes... me at the moment have a better chance with jennifer lopez then my ex but i will persist.. I asked her could we meet regularly for coffee etc as friends so she says she will think about it.. I only discovered this site tonight but it has helped me knowing people are or have been in my position... now rachel says she doesnt love me anymore and her friends tell her she looks more happy now than when she was with me.. some of her other friends think she has been too harsh with me which i told her yesterday that i think she is been harsh with me.. But sid, you hang in there... if she loves you she will return..., i agree about pushing someone though.. if you keep at them and begging them etc.. you are only pushing them away.. Anyway take care sid.. hope it all works out for you! John Link to post Share on other sites
Author sid3 Posted May 12, 2004 Author Share Posted May 12, 2004 Thanx John, It was nice to read your reply. It is a harsh reality, that even though there are so many other women in the world, when the heart chooses one there seems to be little the brain can do to change it. It sucks to let someone have that kind of control, but ultimately it is up to the individual to not give it in the first place. Easier said then done. I worry that my hope is keeping me from faces the reality that it is over for good. I'm not sure. Link to post Share on other sites
meanttolive4ever Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 the more you push to be in this relationship the more the other person is gonna push away.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sid3 Posted May 16, 2004 Author Share Posted May 16, 2004 I am currently contemplating what hope is doing for me. I am starting to question it's reality. I think it may be a form of denial. But it hurts like hell to give up hope. So I won't until I have spent more time thinking about what is best for my emmotional self. Everyone here has made mistakes, those that are not here have made some too.Seems to me that people chatting about them and looking for advice want to learn and make their lives better. I just wonder how long I should have hope. Four and a half months doesn't sound that long compared to 11 months...I think the question might be, how long can the x stay mad, probably longer than I can stay hopeful....I hope somebody's luck has took a turn for the better recently....Thanks people Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted May 16, 2004 Share Posted May 16, 2004 I honestly wouldn't hang onto that hope. It works out for some but I'd say more often than not, it doesn't work out at all. The sooner you decide to move on, you sooner you WILL move on. Otherwise, you'll be miserable and won't have any chance to recover or feel better about things. Don't be the guy who sits around, moping, waiting by the phone, thinking, "please call! Please come back!" Go out. Live. If you DO move on, and she does come back, it'll be a wonderful surprise, or hell, maybe you won't even want her back. The thing to remember is, why would you want to be with someone who would put you through something like this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sid3 Posted May 16, 2004 Author Share Posted May 16, 2004 I think your right,hanging onto the hope is keeping me from moving on. It's also keeping me from having to deal with all the pain. I often wonder why I would want to be with someone who has put me through all this. I have given this person total control, I'm sure she is aware that she could pick up the phone and see me anytime she wants, it seems like I cannot stop thinking about a second chance. I need advice on how to stop obsessing. Also my problem is unique in that she has been friends with my brother for a long time, so she will never be so called gone. I can't talk to my brother about her, he doesn't want to get invovled. I have to respect that. I am truly miserable, it's my own fault. Although I'm aware that it is only myself who can change that, question is when will I let myself. Hopefully soon, life is too short to feel like this. Link to post Share on other sites
sinkerswim Posted May 16, 2004 Share Posted May 16, 2004 Sid.. I feel like you do...its been over 3 months for me. I live day to day..wondering if we will get back together. We were together 8 years. I may be living in denial..but I dont know. You have all the same questions I do. Kevin said it perfectly though...I guess he is right. Im trying to get out there and live...but I still hang onto that hope. Hang in there, though. You seem like a great guy! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sid3 Posted May 16, 2004 Author Share Posted May 16, 2004 Yes I agree, his advice was good. Too bad we can't always do what is best for ourselves. I am going to but hope in perspective, rather than relying on it to keep the pain at bay, I'm going to face the reality, I think hope will have to be reduced to uncertainty. I don't want to waste my life on having false hope. I'm thinking there is a reason why I think it is possible that there may be reconciliation. My heart tells me there is a possibility. I wish I had found this forum when the break up first happened, I have learned alot about how not to act and keeping emmotions under control. Turns out I did everything wrong. I can't really blame myself, I was losing my partner of 3 and a half years. My world came crashing down, I would have liked to have imagined myself acting like all the advice I have read. But unfortunately I made some mistakes. I am guilty of breaking the "no contact" policy, by sending a few emails. I didn't beg or plead, just wanted to communicate. The last one I sent said I realize you hate me, and me and the girls (dogs) will always miss you. Talk about regretting my actions. I don't know why I make an ass of myself, least now I won't be initiating contact, I have found some support here.I guess because I never cheated and didn't lie or act abusive, I am thinking things may work out. Three billion women in this world and I'm crippled by the actions of one. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted May 16, 2004 Share Posted May 16, 2004 Luckily, I think you need only go thru something like this once and it'll be like a "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me," sorta deal. Hindsight is 20/20. Trust me, I know PRECISELY what you're going thru, and my advice is a lot easier said than done, but it IS doable, just give it time. I began to go out with my friends and have some really fun times that I had been missing out on previously. Link to post Share on other sites
sinkerswim Posted May 16, 2004 Share Posted May 16, 2004 Oh Sid.. I totally understand.. i didnt find this place until about a few weeks after he left me. I sent letters, cards, and made a couple phone calls before I found this place. I even sent an email and he deleted it. (I guess he didnt want to hear it anymore) I too, was looking for communication. I got nothing. He dissapointed me big time. I guess we hang onto hope because we loved them sooo very much and they meant everything to us. They made promises to us, that they didnt keep. Its absolutely heart wrenching and I totally feel your pain. My (ex) fiance didnt even say goodbye...he said he just wanted "space" until he figured out what he wanted to do. He promised me a phone call with his decision...well,he never called. Its sad. Ive never been through anything like this before. I fell into a horrible depression and now Im on medication and seeing a therapist. He was my first and only love...my future husband. Its all gone now and it feels like my future has been taken away right before my eyes. I just want to talk to him. I guess what they are doing is running away from the problem. They cant face us for some reason Anyway..if you ever need to talk Im here. I totally feel for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sid3 Posted May 16, 2004 Author Share Posted May 16, 2004 It's true, screw me twice shame on me. My problem lies in the fact that I made my girlfriend and my work my life. Friends are either married or have moved away, hate the way it sounds, but I don't have any at the moment. The people I could spend time with are not healthy people, so I avoid them, they're not really friends. I am glad to have found people here that can relate though. Isolation has made my situation much more difficult. It is such a beautiful day, another one that I have wasted, I will get through this somehow. I appreciate the advice K, you've got a positive outlook, I hope to reach that point soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sid3 Posted May 19, 2004 Author Share Posted May 19, 2004 I'm thinking that being a dumpee, who wants the x back is nothing to be ashamed of. I can say I have given my all to the relationship and then some. In fact, I continue to care when it's over. I may have had my faults while we were together, but I cared enough to want to work on it and not just move on. I think just as it takes awhile for us that have been hurt to heal and get on, what kind of effect does time have on the dumper? Surely not everyone who decides "it just isn't ment to be" cannot be unchanging in their views, I 'm wondering what regret and lonliness are rationalized with. I made mistakes, but I haven't been so hurtful. I'd rather be the one hurt and missing someone than the one who is angry and hateful. I think that reveals what kind of character someone truly has. I now look at the no contact policy a little differently,it was a tactic used to punish me, but I will no longer allow it to. I'll let her sit there and think that it is just tearing me apart that she won't communicate with me.(I would like to, but it is getting better with time) I love her very much, but I love myself more. If I didn't love her I wouldn't want her to be happy without me. I hope she is. I think of a reconciliation still. but I also think who knows what the future holds. People change, not always for the better. Yet some of change for the best.....I think it's time to end my personal pity party. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted May 20, 2004 Share Posted May 20, 2004 sid, you can move on, date someone else and still keep that door open. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Just remember you are in control of your life and it's up to you what you do when the ex comes back. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts