What is considered a large amount of time for no communication with an ex?

[sid3]

Your right, I am in control of my life. I think grief makes me forget that all too easily. I do want to move on, seem stuck. I know that my needs should come before my x's. She'll come back if she really did love me and wants to make things better. I made all the classic mistakes, pushed, was acting needy etc. But I know forgiveness wouldn't be possible if I had cheated. People have been forgiven for far worse than my acting desperate when she left. If she doesn't come back, I know there is someone else out there. I want what is best for us both. I've read your posts Lost, seems like we share the same situation.......good luck to you. No contact is tough!

[asianpartyboy]

I've been followig this thread....

How are you doing these few days, sid3? I guess not seeing your post here anymore is a good sign:).

 

I sent out a happy birthday card to my ex yesterday, broke up for almost a month now. not sure if it's a mistake, but i know if i didn't, i would feel bad about myself. Like you said, sid3, we should love ourselves more at this point. I just want to be kind to myself.

 

I am like you, sid3, I gave up everything and planned to move to her area. I stopped going out with my friends and focus only on the move and finding a job over there. At the last moment she said it's over. I have tried to contact my old friends again. Some of them replied, pretty cool....

 

I want to talk to her so much, but I know it's no good for me. Posting here helps.

 

Thanks

 

-a

[sid3]

I haven't posted in a few days, just been dealing with the pain. It won't go away, it sucks. Trying to be kind to myself. Telling myself the future is going to be good, who knows what it may bring.

[asianpartyboy]

It's the hope that's killing me. If there is no hope, things would be so much easier. I want to talk to her so much, explaining to her that we misunderstood each other because of long-distance. But I know if I do that, I would push her further away.

 

Right now, I want to focus on becoming a better self. Hope you do the same too, sid3. There are other sections on this forum that gave me some very good advices. Check it out when you feel down.

 

Posting here definitely helps:)

 

-a

[sid3]

Hope is still on my mind. I give it up, but the dam stuff keeps coming back. It sucks, either way the pain is there. I miss my x alot. She knows that I'm sure. But I pushed, so I am exactly where I should be. I have learned, too bad it was the hard way. It is hard, the longer it goes on, the more I miss her.

I would only want her back if she wants to return the love, any other reason would not be good enough. For all I know she is quite happy without me, if that is the case then I am happy for her. I'm more concerned with me right now though, I am stuck. Trying to get myself to move on at least a little, I'm trying for inches at this point. It's tough...

[wiley]

Sid,

 

The smartest thing you can do is LET GO and move on. As hard as it is, if you want to have even the remotest of chnces at drawing her back, you have to give her her space, and send the message you've moved on and are doing FINE without her. An X will only come back when and if they feel like it. That almost never happens unless they feel SAFE in knowing you are no longer waiting around, because waiting is not ATTRACTIVE, confidently moving on IS.

 

Be happy, act confident, DO NOT CONTACT HER, and most importantly START DATING..they seldom come back until you do..

[sid3]

That is some good advice. I am going to try and take it. I'm hearing the same thing in other posts, often an x will come back/find interest when the one dumped(ugly word) does move on and no longer waits I admit it does not feel attractive waiting around. From my posts, one can see I have had a problem with hope. The lack of contact should dispel hope, for some reason it seems to be feeding it. I don't like the reality, but I am trying to move myself into it. My last email stated that I will continue to love her whether she is dating now or in the future, that her needs are important to me and to have a great summer. The future could hold some really good things, I need to find the patience to put my mind in a better place..thanks

[TheOptimist23]

This man knows what he's talking about. Dating aother people is about the only way anyone is going to get there ex back. Remember allways to be nice to your ex also and find how to agree with them no matter what they say.

When I broke up with my fiance over a year ago, I heard lots of break up stories and most never get back together, but I heard one where they did - they had been together 8 years, broke up for 3 months then out at a bar together, the guy kisses another girl in front of the ex. He told me it was the best thing he's ever done, coz she came back to him.

 

So the wisest possible advice for myself and you all who want your ex back get out there have fun, be confident, date others, show the ex that you are attractive to others and that they stand a good chance of losing you for ever.

[lost_in_chgo]

I can't help but point out the high probability of a fallacy in all of these opinions.

Certainly whining and pleading are not attractive, but if no contact is going on and you are not interacting with your ex, he/she is unlikely to observe your behavior in any case. So whether or not you've moved on is irrelevant. As long as you put on a good game face when you see each other.

 

No doubt jealousy can be a factor, but it's one that is largely circumstantial and diminishes over time. Time seems to be the main factor here, not behavior. The dumper may come back, but only after realizing what was lost. For many people this is a lesson learned the hard way and going back doesn't work because they burned too many bridges trying to get away in the first place.

 

Most people don't get back together simply because the dumpee has move on and has bitterness over the dumping.

 

All that said, moving on is probably the smartest thing to do as waiting may never lead to anything.

[sid3]

Your right lost, jealousy is far from a guarantee in the hopes of getting your x back. I think it is manipulative in itself. You either want to move on and date someone else or not. I think moving on is something that one has to decide when it is time for themselves. From the reading and replies I have seen, every situation is unique, so nothing really applies to everyone 100%.

Waiting is not attractive, nor is it a very good feeling. Still unsure what hope is, some denial some optimism I guess. No longer hiding from reality behind hope, but I do have some hope. There's two people involved here so I can only speculate what the future holds. Either way I am hopeful that both of us are happy, together is the way I would like to see it. But the x will have to want that as well. To me moving on is taking it a day at a time right now, it's the best I can do.

[lost_in_chgo]

Nothing wrong with that.

There's no virtue in moving on for the sake of moving on.

Do what is right for you without compromising yourself or the potential for the future you want.

That's the high road.

[bewildered]

moving on and dating and being happy is good. and i don't wanna throw a spanner into the works, but what if the ex sees you happy without her, and rationalizes it as you being better off without the relationship, thereby convincing herself she made the right decision, that the two of you can only be happy apart?

 

also, i don't think the ex is so much angry and hateful as she would be afraid ... afraid you might tie her down ... afraid of being emotionally blackmailed into commiting, because what you do as an expression of love can be construed by the other party as just that. emotional blackmail that reveals your high expectations of her, expectations of a life-long commitment, and that transforms love into a guilt-trip because she's not sure she can live up to the expectations.

 

that's the vibe i get from my ex. it's been slightly over a month and each day i try to convince myself i don't need her, that the relationship was not bringing out the best in me. but each day i know i love her and i would like a second chance, that i need to learn that giving space to both of us, being myself and letting her be herself, is also giving love. that loving myself is the pre-requisite for loving others. otherwise, what good is my love if it's not even good enough for myself?

 

maybe it's not that one has to force oneself to love the ex less. maybe one has to let the love grow enough to say (not out loud of course) "i love you enough to let you go. you deserve to look for happiness, to be able to love freely and without guilt." and of course, still hoping that someday, the ex will find her way back.

 

for myself, i can do this. but my ex wants to be friends ... so it's gonna be "i love you enough to let you go, and to pretend i don't love you anymore" which is going to be rather hard. especially since it entails that the ex never ever knows how much this breaks your heart over and over again, because you can never tell her how much your friendship is costing you, instead of giving you.

 

what's the advice on being friends?

 

or should i just extricate myself and walk away from this trainwreck.

 

anyway sid3, i hope everything turns out well for you. take care.

 

bewildered.

[BrotherD]

Bewildered

 

In regards to "being friends." I don't know the specifics of your story here but from my experience, this is what I would suggest.

It's clear that your relationship wasn't working, if it was you'd wouldn't be on this board. It would also be safe to assume that, from your post, she is feeling smothered/pressured.

 

The best thing at this point is to walk away for awhile. NO CONTACT.

 

No "friendship" (with all the horrors that entails i.e. updates on new loves, trips you won't be going on, and other upsetting news Aaaaaah!)

No phone calls, emails, letters, IM etc etc NOTHING!

 

You said (very eloquently) "i love you enough to let you go. you deserve to look for happiness, to be able to love freely and without guilt."

 

DO IT!

 

Let her go! The separation (really what NC is if you think about it) is for her to forget all the bad things about your relationship and remember the good things. AND SHE WILL MISS YOU. Know that implicitly. SHE WILL MISS YOU!

But mostly it is for you to get your head on straight! Only then will you turn back into the attractive guy that she initially turned on to.

 

Forget mind games like having her see you with somebody else etc. If you get your head on straight and go out and date, soon you will see that YOU WILL (AND CAN ) LIVE WITHOUT HER!!!!!

 

Now THAT is what turns an ex on. That you've moved on. We always want what we can't have. The sad part (for the ex) is there is probably someone else out there that is prettier, nicer , and more compatible with you! When you find her and completely forget about your ex (which you will) that's when she'll come back. More likely than not.

 

I speak from experience. I'm pushing 2 months NO CONTACT and I'd like to go to a mountain top and scream my guts out! I was dumped. No sex for months. How much clearer does it have to get? I CAN LIVE WITH OUT MY EX!!!! And you will too.

 

NO CONTACT. Set her free and if she loves you she'll find her way to you. Period. If not, YOU WILL LIVE

 

Good Luck!

[sid3]

Yep, no contact is a must. I like the previous post in the fact that it states she will miss you. I think the fact that most posters are hurting, it is often overlooked that the one who left may hurt, regret, and be unsure even though they may be angry as well. Anger is just as destructive as any other negative emmotion in my opinion. Alot of good advice, if I were wanting to date though, I wouldn't be missing my x. I would be moving on 100%. Instead I'm just giving her space, like I should have done when she first asked for it. Anyhow only time will tell

[sara1974]

Me and my ex just broke up it hasn't even been a week and he constantly calls me and sends me text messages. I believe it is possible to be friends with an ex AFTER you give yourself time to heal. The thing is I still have feelings for him and everytime I talk to him I feel like I made a mistake. (I broke-up with him) It's only making it harder to move on when I communicate with him everyday.

[lost_in_chgo]

hmmm, or perhaps you made a mistake?

[sara1974]

Lost_in_chgo~

He was stil married to his ex-wife. Even though we lived together (and his 3 kids) It still bothered me that he hasn't pulled the plug on the previous relationship. He had the best of both worlds. A ex-wife and a beautiful girlfriend (me) Once his divorce is final (if ever) then MAYB we can be together again.

[lost_in_chgo]

Probably the best way to put it to him.

Divorce makes people crazy and self centered.

In my case it was like she didn't even realize that she was still married. For her it was a done deal, for me it was a probability. And at any time she could have changed her mind and probability becomes reality. She's your age if the 74 is a bdate. I'm ten years older, so there's some age differences. And she;s not all grown up yet.

 

Divorces can take a long time especially with the kids involved.

Is that all it was, or was he emotionally involved?

The divorce was filed by one of them right?

 

And still married to the ex-wife is called separated. and she's not an ex-wife, she's a wife so you are very right to be concerned.

 

He should be keeping you abreast of the divorce status as it goes since you are a very interested party.

 

Have you told him everything you are concerned about?

If you still have feelings, and there isn't anything else, why not stay in contact and tell him that you can't go on like you have been until he settles the divorce. Talking might solve some things. You don't have to jump back in, just talk. Keep it on your terms, but listen to your heart in this.

 

Be aware that at some point he is going to probably want to play the field. You might be better off waiting to see how that goes, and avoid the getting dumped part.

[sid3]

I still have hope. Why I'm not sure. I was told that in time it may be possible to reconcile, to wait, and that she isn't going anywhere by a mutual friend. I had another friend tell me she thinks the ex and I will be together. My question is; for the past 5 months I have sent an email about once a month. I haven't gotten a reply, which I view as not entirely bad because I wasn't looking forward to anything nasty or heartbreaking. My ex wanted time to work on her self, I pushed and well here I am. Anyhow, should I have hope in what I've been told?

[rukallstar]

sid i have read your whole thread. and i feel for you man. a week ago my x (that's what she is now) decided that we should take a six month no contact break. she's a little younger, feels she's not ready for marriage, needs to discover herself, see if the grass is greener on the other side. i've turned to online dating as a coping mechanism and also just to meet new people, to see if the grass is greener. also i've started to appreciate my friends more and embrace the city that i live in rather than shuttling forth between two cities. it's the hardest thing that anyone has to go through, but imagine if you were married for 5 years had a child and then she decided she needed to search for herself, rather than now.

 

my parents have been married for 32 years. mostly happy, sometimes not as much. my dad still pinches my mom's butt. i want a relationship like that. they broke up for two years. they got back together. if it is meant to be it will happen. go out and date, join a sports league, go to the gym, take a class, put yourself out there. that's all that you can do. don't make ANY contact with her. let her contact you. but also keep in mind that you may not want her back as you get stronger and healthier.

 

best of luck. and get out there

[leonespatodos]

hey rukallstar I have the same dilemma as you.

 

Very similar except maybe my x might be younger. We are 10 years apart. Anyway, my problem is she's young as well and recently started a new job on the west coast. I live in the northeast. She noticed she was getting all this attention from co-workers. Out of nowhere, she said she wanted space and time. She said she wanted to be by herself and be independent and also to date other people and see if the grass is greener as well.

 

I was completely devastated and still am. I had made plan to relocate over there with her. She's been with me for 5 years and lived with me for about 3. At first, my inmediate reactio was to fly over there and express all my emotions and feelings. I tried to reason with her but she was just stubborn. However, I realized and thanks to this forum as well that the more I tried to reach out for her the more she wanted to stay away. At one point I felt like a stalker. The past few days I've been coping with the whole situation much better 'cause she's contacted me a few times already. We just talk about anything but the relationship. I don't call her (no contact policy). I still have hope of us getting together again.

 

Thanks to this forum, I've learned a great deal.

[leonespatodos]

double post

[rukallstar]

leo

 

i would say that the best thing is for you two not to contact each other PERIOD. Of course you feel better because you hear her voice, you have a sense that you have a relationship. Believe me I did the same thing. I actually did fly out over Memorial Day weekend to see her, after a month of talking on the phone everyday. 3 days were hell, 2 days were bliss. We were talking about marriage and then she didn't want me to leave to catch my plane, but she also said that it's for the best, she needs this time to herself. I agree. The last thing you want is a woman who doesn't feel she's had enough time to look and you clipped her wings, she will resent it and make you miserable. Why is it when people marry young it usually doesn't work? They haven't had enough time to explore who they are, they feel trapped by the decision.

 

You talk to her about everything except the thing you want to talk about. How is that helpful. Do not, I repeat do not fall into the friendship zone. As hard as this sounds, but if you have any hopes of having her want you back then I would suggest that you tell her that it is too emotionally jarring to speak with her, that you don't want to be just her friend (which you don't, believe me) that if you need time apart, then that's exactly what that will be. She needs to actually see if the the grass is greener on the other side, you should as well. You always have to operate from a position of strength. I know this is easier said than done, I haven't had a good night's sleep in a week. I keep thinking about her. But I know if I call, I am weak. I have said my piece. I have told her how I feel about her, her mother even pulled her aside when I wasn't around (we were hanging out at her parent's place because her younger sister just graduated from college, my x is 25 (just turned), i'm 29) to tell her that she should marry me. We had a fantastic night that night and a wonderful morning and afternoon the next day. Her dad would like her to marry me. Yada Yada. It doesn't change the fundamental fact that she is feeling her sexual power proabably for the first time in her life and she wants to see where it takes her. When I saw her over memorial day, we hadn't seen each other in 4 months. I had been with others, she had been with another. The usual crap. The fundamental issue and I think ours are similar is that she needs to see where her sexual power takes her, because I don't think that she has had a chance to fully explore it. You need to do the same. You obviously had enough game for her to be with you, why can't you find someone better for you. I know it is the hardest thing. This forum has been great. It's like going to therapy but cheaper.

 

Also think about from the large perspective a year or two is not much when you are talking about a 40 year stretch. If this person is really the person for you, for life, it will happen. But the more you keep talking to her as friends, the less likely it will happen. In fact then it won't happen. Your relationship has changed.

 

Stay well brother. Get strong. Good luck

[sara1974]

I went back to my ex this weekend. (we broke up about two weeks ago becuz he's still married to his ex wife) Im giving him a second chance. I hope I didn't make a mistake...

[lost_in_chgo]

Hi sara,

 

Best of luck with this.

Put the emphasis on communication. Let him know you think he might be taking you for a ride or whatever...

 

He should be telling you everything about the schedule and trying to put your mind at ease.

 

Remember he's going thru alot right now, so try not to increase the demand on him too much.