What is considered a large amount of time for no communication with an ex?

[sid3]

I cracked this weekend and sent txt message to the x, asked if she was happier without me in her life. Did not get a reply. Said no reply gives me hope. becaus eI didn't get a f*** off , or never etc. Was doing really well, thought I was going to make it. Now it looks as though it's time for therapy. dam this sucks.

[sid3]

But I realize I need the help, I wonder what I'll be told, probably things that are difficult to bare, plenty use to that though, everyday has been difficult to bare. I think I hit rock bottom, feels like it. WTF, why not reply and say yes I am happier without you, then I could be happy for her and start to move on a little faster. I think she is getting an ego boost out of it, torturing me, why not though I am torturing myself anyhow.........someday I am going to be happy again. I don't think it'll be tomorrow!

[lost_in_chgo]

Sid,

Stop for a second.

 

Listen to me.

 

stop contacting her.

you are just pushing her further away.

don't try to justify it in any fashion, just stop.

 

Go read this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t35003

[cchocoholic]

The more time you are apart the less chance you have for success. If you have been seperated for 4 months and she has made not contact with you then that should show you something right there. You mat need to try and move on.

[asianpartyboy]

hey sid!

 

I am ahead of you now! Do you want me to contact my ex so that we can start even:). Seriously though, lost is right. Stop thinking, and live.

 

4th quarter NBA finals is on! la is losing:). Life is good sometimes.

 

take care of urself!

 

-a

[The North East Kid]

Sid,

 

It's time to move on brother!!! Don't forget about her, remember all the good times, and hold them in your heart. I'm going through a similar situation, its been a month now and no contact, she broke up with me, but I caused it. So I have some experience with this type of thing...although not as much as you in terms of time. But I'm gonna make your life better, just listen...

 

You ARE worth more than to be this depressed, obsessed person that you have become. Sure she was great, yes it feels like you will never find someone like her...but you know what? You will! I guarantee it. But that is not even imporant right now, YOU ARE!! Get out there and make your life better, make it amazing. Everything is in your head bro. You know what?? Maybe your ex just sees this pathetic guy that can't get over her...guess what? that isn't gonna get her back. GET OUT OF THE BOX OF HURT THAT YOU ARE IN. Although I'm a guy...I know women are NOT attracted to pathetic depressed, obsessed guys...they are attracted to confident, fun loving guys who control their own destiny. And you are the one who controls your own destiny...nobody else, just you.

 

Now, if you really want her back, you can't think about her, think about all the women around you and how you can get any of them, get out on the town, make something of yourself. Be more confident in your abilities than you ever have, it's in your head, you make your own reality. You sound like you are a nice person, be the nicest person you know. Not being this pathetic person is your best chance to get her back, but more importantly to meet tons of women who will want you because of your new found inner confidence.

 

Take some chances in your life and career, you are the only one that is going to make your life better. You can do anything!!! I'm telling you it's all in your head, as soon as you truly decide to be happy...you will be, sure some days it will be harder to make yourself feel better, but just do it, for you!!!

 

I know this is some tough love, but this is what you need!!! No more bullsh*t, get out there and make something of yourself, stop wasting your life waiting.

 

Do something everything morning that will start your day right, play a crazy song to get you pumped, do some push ups, punch a punching bag, dance, pray, hit your head against a wall, whatever...just do something to get your day and life in focus!!! Do it a bunch of times during the day if need be.

 

*Here is simple logic*

 

You have two choices:

 

If you continue in your path of depression and obsession - She will NEVER come back!!!

 

If you decide in YOUR head to be a more confident, successful, and happy person - You will have a better life and She may come back (but don't think about that, that shouldn't be your motivation, making yourself better should be, but for now it can be if you want it may motivate you), and as I said if she doesn't come back, many girls will swarm you with your new found confidence and fun loving spirit, probably someone better

 

Good luck,

 

The North East Kid

[sid3]

THANK YOU, IT'S AMAZING HOW TOTAL STARNGERS CAN CARE ABOUT ME MORE THAN THE GIRL I HOLD AS THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE WORLD. MY FAULT IS IN NOT TAKING BETTER CARE OF MYSELF. YOUR RIGHT. MY PROBLEM IS THAT I HAVE NO INTEREST IN OTHER WOMEN, IF I DID I WOULD HAVE HAD A MUCH EASIER TIME LETTING GO, I PUT MYSELF IN A TOUGH POSITION. SELF ESTEEM IS PRETTY LOW, BUT YOUR RIGHT IN THAT I AM WORTH MORE. AT LEAST I AM AWARE THAT IT IS UP TO ME TO GET MYSELF OUT OF IT. THE BOX I'M IN SEEMS UNPENETRABLE, MAYBE JUST RIGHT NOW.IT FEELS LIKE I AM DYING INSIDE WHEN I THINK ABOUT HER WITH SOMEONE ELSE. I TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT, BUT WHEN I DO IT HURTS REALLY BAD.

[asianpartyboy]

Hey sid, your thinking is no good.

 

Two things:

 

First: as harsh as it sounds, what she is doing right now is none of your business. If you continue to think about things you have no control over, you could only make it worse. And there is NO excuse/justification on your part for not being able to control that kind of thinking. We don't get what we want most of the time. If you cannot deal with that, you are only asking for trouble.

 

Second: think for a second, what kind of msg is she getting when you asked her if she is any happier without you after six months? I am not your ex, and I am probably the dumbest person on this forum(I lost a very good and decent girl who loved me dearly with all her life), but I can tell right here that she thinks you are weak and pathetic because of that message. I am sure she still has feelings for you(if she doesn't, she is inhuman). But how could she reply you! Her life may not be any happier or better, but when she sees that her ex is like this, it only confirms her that she made the right choice to be single.

 

Btw, I am on day 6 of NC. And like a lot of people here, I don't think it should be a rule to follow NC blindly. So don't feel bad for initiating the contact. The important thing is sending the right message. I am so confident about myself right now I am sure she would be amazed. Send her the right message next time, sid. But first, get better yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, your chance of getting back with her is zero. It's a mathematical certainty:).

 

-asianpartyboy

[The North East Kid]

Sid,

 

I know it kills to think of her with someone else, it feels like sometimes you can't breathe, I know because my ex is with someone else. But I'm telling you, everything you just said..,it's all in your head man, all in your head. Start thinking POSITIVE, get out there and make something of yourself, take on the world. Your mind is so powerful, it can destroy you, which it has been for a long time now, or if you start thinking in a different way, MORE positive, more confident, you can do anything you want. This is a perfect opportunity to get out there and do something to make yourself better, I mean you can't feel any worse. Sure it won't get better tomorrow or even the next day, but it will get better!!! It will, I promise.

 

I like to use the saying "MIND F*CK" because that's what everything is. You mess with yourself, everything is in your head. You control what goes on in there, nobody else. And if you stay in that box all by yourself, obsessed and depressed, well that's where your mind in going to stay, it's your choice. Get out there, meet new people, they will help it get better. Nobody is better than you Sid, not your ex, not the guy she is with, nobody.

 

Here is a simple example of how your mind controls everything, and I do mean everything!!!

 

Lets say in the morning you leave the house and you don't feel particularly good, tired, and you look in the mirror and you don't think you look good.

 

Then you go out to work or just out and somebody says to you "Sid, you look good today." Think about it, next time you look in the mirror, you think you look great, you have more energy, and you feel better.

 

So what am I saying, it's all in your head. You don't need somebody to tell you look good, TELL YOURSELF over and over, and you will feel that good, all in your head bro.

 

Get out there, no more BULLSH*T!!! So what if she is with someone else, you will be too, but only if you get out there and meet people. Yeah you don't want to, and you may not want to for a while, but you know what, GET OUT THERE!!! Just stop thinking negative. YOU and only YOU have the power my friend.

 

Also, try helping other people around you, that will make your confidence surge.

 

Take care,

 

The North East Kid

[sid3]

Your both right. I can control what's in my head. I have given away the control by non stop thinking about the ex. I know she has feelings for me, at this time the majority of them are negative because I pushed and tried too hard. I think it has alot to do with trying to keep the relationship alive in my head even though it is holding me back. So I start over now with no contact as of yesterday. She doesn't reply with a yes or no or anything so I let my mind start wandering and think I see hope in the fact that there is no definitive answer. I sent a second text saying that "no negative reply gives me hope and I'll continue to have hope until I hear otherwise." So I need to stop reading into this.I would like to hear a yeah I'm much happier without you, as oppossed to no reply at all. She is surely aware that I let it get to me. She is upset with my behavior when she asked for time to work on herself. I give her respect for wanting to try and improve herself. I also know it is her right to choose who to love. I am going to back way off, she knows I love her so even though she is upset, she is not alone because she knows how much I care about her. But your right, I am coming across as pathetic and weak. First thing I am going to change. I know that her friends getting married sent her into a personal crisis and she needed saomething happening in her life ie: the break up. If the grass is greener for her on the other side, I will be happy for her. I had a girlfriend for nine years and use to get upset think about her with someone else. I got over that eventually. I thank you both very much, I find strength in your replies. I imagine what a feeling it will be when she starts to wonder where is sid telling me how much he loves me, I haven't even given her the chance to heal or miss me or wonder if there is even a doubt that I will meet someone else. Come to think about it I've boosted her ego and given her control. I want it back, so I am taking it. Tomorrow is going to be a better day!

[asianpartyboy]

That's right sid. She knows you love her. Everyone in this world knows:). And I am sure she is very, very happy about it.

 

But enough is enough. Too much of one thing is 'unhealthy', and it's a huge 'turn-off.

 

Let's encourage each other through this difficult period and work on getting better ourselves. Maybe one day they will start to miss us and want to work things out. If not, hey, we are likely to be strong enough to take care of ourselves. Who needs them:). And then we will meet someone else. And live happyly even after.

 

k, I think I am gettng ahead of myself. but see what I mean. take it one step at a time.

 

Take care!

 

-a

[The North East Kid]

Excellent!! You have the power...remeber my motto...it's all in your head!! Have fun in life...that's what it is for.

[sid3]

Feeling a little better. I'm hoping it will last. I now have fellow posters who are supportive of my situation. I won't let you down this time. Your right a, everything has been said that needs to be said. She knows. Can't change the past, I am kinda getting sick of living in it. I'm thinking it is time to move forward, it's going to happen, yes I am going to bring hope with me. I will be leaving the hopelessness behind.

[dribliz]

Sid,

 

I am in a similar situation as you. I have been dating a guy for four years. We have not talked in 8 days. We have been on a definate rollercoaster I will share with you what I know I have learned and what know he has learned as well. Just a little background so you understand at first we were both head over heels to get married, then he got scared. I was head over heels still the whole time hoping it would work. Well over the course of time I gave up and started dating and so did he. Long story short he realized what he had and wants it now and now I'm not sure what I want. I can tell you what I feel. I feel as though you should still go and do your own thing. If you truly lover her as you say you do. Your feelings won't change. You deserve to keep on living though. It's like the saying you've heard a million times. If you love something let it go. If it comes back it was meant to be... if not it was never meant to be anyways. It is hard I know trust me but sometimes that is what it takes to get completely clear. I wouldn't cut all communication though so she thinks you have just given up. Suttly let her know you still care. Don't talk about dating, or getting back together and FOR SURE FOR SURE FOR SURE dont' bring up dating or what you are doing cause that can open the door for jealousy or hard feelings. Just let her know you are thinking of her and hope things are well and that she is happy. Maybe even make mention that you miss her.

 

It's funny that is what i think I need right now. As much as I am unclear about our relationship I feel like i just need something to light the spark again. A new spark. I feel as though I need to be alone and get clear but knowing that he hasn't given up on me and that he still in his heart wants things to work makes me feel good. Sometimes if you get to a point for whatever reason in a relationship where there is too much water under the bridge it is best to burn the bridge and build a new one. Time is not necessarily a bad thing. It's what you do with the time that matters and what you can learn from it.

[sid3]

I wouldn't cut all communication though so she thinks you have just given up. Suttly let her know you still care

 

This is what I have been doing when I break the N/C policy, no negative reply gives me hope>maybe I am delusional. I believe she does need and deserve her space. I have resolved to make no contact now though. She knows how I feel.

 

I wouldn't cut all communication though so she thinks you have just given up.

 

Like you stated I don't want her to think I have given up.

 

Time is not necessarily a bad thing. It's what you do with the time that matters and what you can learn from it.

Your right, time can be your friend, as easily as it can be your enemy, thus the worry factor. I will make it my friend as best as I can.

 

Don't talk about dating, or getting back together

 

I did tell her I would like to be with her, but there is no going back. I like your bridge analogy.

[lost_in_chgo]

Sid.

 

stop it already.

 

Read this thread

Kanuk was doing exactly what you are. You'll see where it got him.

 

If you must contact her, do it once a month and no more.

You are just burning whatever bridges you have.

[sid3]

Thanks for the concern, but as I have stated in my last thread I am standing firm in my effort of no contact, I just liked and agreed with the post I quoted. I know where pushing will get me, in fact that is why I am here, I did break down recently, but I have gone to therapy, I admit I need a little help. I am thinking more and more that there are other possiblities for me. I will read the thread you enclosed. There will not be a once a month contact, I predict in two months she will make contact. I could be wrong, but maybe be then Iwill have met someone else, you never know. I like hearing from you lost, I hope your doing well.

[dribliz]

Let me tell you something from a woman's perspective. She knows. She knows how you feel. Now I suggest completely break off the contact for a month or two. Do you thing concentrate on you. Live your life as if there is no chance of getting back and see what life puts on your plate. You will be surprised what comes or may come into your life if you are open to it. A girl like somewhat of a challenge. It's like they always say you dont' know what you have until it's gone. If you're never really gone she may never realize what she had. Give her the chance to see what it is like to be alone. Nobody texting saying they care. Give her the chance to really see what it is like without you and see where it goes from there. I can tell you I did the same thing with my ex. I kept chasing. Kept telling him my emotions and feelings and that I wanted to be together. I did it for like a year and half and kept getting the same result. It took me to finally completley give up on him and even so much as get into a new relationship for him to realize oh I do really have it good. I dont' want anyone else to have her. Now he is back and wanting to get married and I 'm in the driver's seat. It's kinda funny though now. I chased and chased and now I have what I wanted for so long and now I dont' know if I want it anymore. Like I said sometimes there is too much water under the bridge. Stop now while you can. Don't create anymore waves. Just let it go. I promise things happen for a reason. You may not see it now but you will know it later. Things will happen if they are meant to be. You can't force them. I learned that the hard way. Just be with yourself and find happiness in that. You can't make her or anyone happy for that matter as long as you are unhappy in your own skin and not happy on your own. I get right now you are not in that position and that you are codependent... Let it go for now. If you love her let her go for better or for worse because what may be better for her may be worse for you or vice versa. You never know. If you really love her you will want her to make the choice that makes her happiest and she will do that I promise. But if you love her let her go. It's funny how things work out sometimes. Just as I am writing this my ex is calling me begging me to go to lunch to talk tomorrow. It's funny I thought I wanted it so bad and now I'm just sick of the games and the rollercoaster I woiuld just rather be alone. Leaving him he realized what he had . Maybe she will too. You will never know that though until you leave. Let her go Syd. If it's meant to be she'll be back. Who knows she may come back and you may even do what I'm doing and not want it anymore. Only time will tell there is no forcing the inevitable.....just let it go and let god!

[sid3]

I haven't been gone at all really. I am going to be now, I am going to remind myself that I can continue to love her and still not make contact. I do want her to be happy, I have said all there is to say, I think your right she knows. There is no way I will let myself give into weakness again. I am going to let her truly see that I am letting go, Ie: N/C. Thank you for your advice I plan on rereading it as often as it takes.

[sara1974]

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder right??

[sid3]

That's what they say. I miss her more every day. Letting go seems to be impossible for me. I know keeping my commitment to no contact is possible, I have told her too many times that I wouldn't again,only to send one a few weeks or a month later. I will not be credible if I do it again. As far as I am concerned, if I fail, there will be no hope at all. That is how I know I will refrain from doing it.Pretty good reason not to,as well as letting her see what it is like without a reminder that she is loved and missed. I know she expects to see an email in the next few weeks. I am certain of that, because I have done exactly that, she's going to be surprised for sure when there isn't one. It may make her wonder, maybe it'll make her happy cause she'll think I gave up. I try and take it a day at a time, but it's more like an hour at a time. I know it is all in my head, but it's in my heart as well. I never thought anything could hurt so much.I am getting overcome by grief thinking about having lost her forever. Life doesn't suck, my situation does.

[dribliz]

Your head will eat you alive and consume you. You have to quit dwelling on the situation and instead find positive affirmations to do somehow in your head or something to clear your thoughts or keep you busy. Get out. Find you. You have to be content and happy on your own and happy with yourself before you can ever be happy with someone.

[sid3]

My thoughts are eating me alive. I have found me, I am happy with myself, who I am, my values and my character. What I lack is the knowledge of how to let go, there lays my problem. Had I done that from the start I wouldn't be in this situation. I pushed and acted on emmotions and not on reasoning. I wouldn't be dwelling so much had I not created the reasons for her to be angry. I try to keep busy, and seeing a therapist once a week. I'm fortunate that I have the good sense to not be out drinking, drugging or anything else self distructive to cover the problems. I can say I'd rather be alone than running out and meeting someone just so I'm not lonely. Yes I may be codependant, perhaps even a little addicted to my ex, but love is addictive. I bonded to her for many reasons, when she wanted a break it was to work on herself. Since then I have grown a lot and have learned alot. You never really know what you have until it's gone is true, your right again. Having become unvoluntarily single has really helped me find myself and look at things in a different ways. I am better off because it happened in some respects.

[dreamguy]

Sid,

 

You said you were seeking help at some point in your depression. It was the right thing to do and there is no harm in doing it. But let me tell you something and you'd better believe it ! I read this post reply by reply. I focused on your reply and I seriously think you're a smart guy and you have more strength than you'd like to admit ! You're smart enough to admit your mistakes and brave enough to take the necessary actions to correct them. KEEP IT UP because you're doing a GREAT job !! You will understand what I mean when your feelings have eased up in the near future.

You also said "I am getting overcome by grief thinking about having lost her forever. Life doesn't suck, my situation does." Your life doesn't suck. The person who left you is the one who lost ! Although you feel defeated, you must know that it takes much more strength and will to survive when you're the one being dumped. And you're a survivor ! Be proud ! So instead of thinking you have lost her forever, start being optimistic and tell yourself that you will live your life for the time being since you CAN NEVER PREDICT THE FUTURE. No ! I don't agree with you when you say you have lost her forever. Even you, sid, cannot decide if you have lost her forever. Just do the right thing and leave the rest up to time and fate.

[dribliz]

Also realize what she has lost. She may have lost you forever. You seem like a very caring sweet guy who obviously completely loved her. Look at what she has lost and what she is losing out on. YOUR GREAT!