What is considered a large amount of time for no communication with an ex?

[scubaskunk]

dreamguy-

Now your last post was so understandable, it couldn't have been put better. but

 

Everything is relative in love and relationships.

 

What was meant by this. I understand that with all the posts we write we still won't be able to tell you everything that happened. But before, I said that I hadn't talked to my ex bf for 5 months and you told me that i SHOULDN"T talk to him, but in the earlier post you left, you made it sound like contacting him was an option. Is it an option? What area's of life do you think need to be moderated because I think that i have been doing just fine with that. If I gave you more information with my and my ex's relationship, caould my problem be better advised.

[sid3]

While most people advise you to stop contacting your ex after they have dumped you and you did your part in trying to show them you still care, it's important to understand that the final decision is always yours !

 

 

It's good advice. Scuba, it sounds as though you are looking for someone to tell you what you should do, I don't say this to be offensive, I don't mean to be. Like DG said there are so many little things that make every situation unique, relationships can be similar, but never identical. If you listen to only what your heart tells you, you may find later that you should have used your head as well. I can speak from experience. Acting on emotions can be some dangerous behavior. I hope you find as much helpful advice as I have from this forum, at the end of the day I know it is ultimately up to me to decide where I'm at and where I am trying to get to. N/C is a bitch, but the benefits are still there. These are some trying times, just going to think about getting thru today.

[asianpartyboy]

Hi scubaskunk, like dreamy said, we don't know the details. even if we do, we won't be able to tell what to do because we don't know what's going to happen next. But we know you *desparately* want to get back with your ex. We hope things will work out for you.

 

Sid, how are you? I want to share something. I know you don't want to date right now, me either. But to make myself feel better and prepare for the worst(that is, ex never come back), I decided to check out some "dating advice" sites/materials. After all, it's been a while:). And I found it helped more than I expected. Some of the advices are right on the target! Small things like not getting a haircut on time etc. Of course, I don't think those were the main reasons for the break-up. But the advices did give me some ideas on where I can improve myself. And I find myself getting sharper again in terms of noticing signals(girls checking me out).

 

There are always worse days; last night, I accidently opened up the valentine's gift, and I cried. Take it easy day by day.

 

-a

[Kate]

hi guys,

 

well i DID go with my gut last wednesday. it had been burning me up inside for 9 1/2 days since i sent my ex an email saying that although he broke up with me and needed time for himself (due to a lot of arguing), that i saw (and STILL DO -- so does he, at least we were/are on the same page) the reason for everything as him neglecting important aspects of our relationship, me and never giving it the attention it deserved, and please not to contact me until he was ready again. it was a really long long email, detailing everything that hurt me, and at the end said that i was moving on and not to call me unless he was ready for something complete.

 

although i had the "closure" more or less, i remained even more confused inside. so, i let things clear for 9 1/2 days and randomly sent him a text "have time for coffee?" he texted me back within 5 minutes (shockingly) and i picked him up. we had small talk for about an hour, no tension, grinning from ear to ear, but no touchy feely stuff. then we reiterated our feelings on the relationship. he told me he simply wasn't ready for what he got into after only 3 weeks grace period after his first serious relationship of 4 years. he told me that although he saw us being together for a "really really long time...i don't want to say marriage because i'm not ready, but a really really long time....and i want to give 100% of my energy, not 25% like i was", he needs to regroup with himself again. everything was amicable. at first i was holding resentment, etc., but now realize that the simple fact remains -- he wasn't ready for what i was, he wasn't moving as fast.

 

acceptance has been the first step for me in this NC thing. i have only talked to him once since last week, for 5 minutes about a mutual situation unrelated to our relationship. what has allowed me to sleep at night is ACCEPTING the fact that he's not playing a game, he's just not ready. i don't really care why or how anymore, i'm beginning to get mySELF back. what i think now is what a fool he was for letting me go, even though he wasn't ready. he still could have dealt with it in a more caring way so that by the time he WAS ready, there would be no buildup of resentment, etc. then again, i am biased to my feelings. i think the best thing we could have done is break up, because it reached a point where neither of us was getting what we needed. we are both at EXTREMELY transitional points in our lives right now. EXTREMELY. and i'm actually suprised that things were as positive as they were given our individual stresses in life. what we need right now is to break, and revisit "us" when we are each more settled.

 

i have also learned that, in the future, no matter how much i care about him or someone else, i will not let them detract from my self-pride. in fact, i will not let my pride go. i will not allow myself to be treated one way because i feel MORE for someone. i realize now that if i had more self-confidence in relationsps, this never wouild have happened because i would have put my foot down earlier and told him, "why don't you do this -- why don't we do that -- no, YOu call ME...etc." these are vague statements, but i think anyone who feels they have been shortchanged in a relationship can catch me drift. when one person is less ready for emotional commitment than another, they can often take advantage of the one who is without even realizing it. that's important to remember so that i can always remain on the same page and not play that "battered wife syndrome" i feel i was playing with on a mild level.

 

since i have last talked to him/seen him, i am realizing so much that i lost while dating him. because i did SO much for him, and him so LTTLE for me, i realize i actually lost my self-respect while together, and probably thought i needed him and cared for him a lot more than i actually did!! i just moved out of my house and in with 2 male friends, one who is a very good friend and knows my ex relationship well. i will also just say how blind one can be in a relationship because i have been told by almost all of my guy friends that i am "out of his league" and that he didn't deserve me. i don't agree with being "out of someone's league" as far as looks or money is concerned ( i have the looks but not the money!!!), i think that being "out of someone's league" is how good-intentioned a person is, how big their heart is, how worldly they are, how dynamic and interestign they are, how fun they are, and ok maybe the icing on the cake is aesthetics...(appearances...money...). i didn't take this into account either, but the whole "you are out of his league anyway" comments have helped me even more. i realize i forgot how GREAT of a person i was -- because i didn't FEEL great with him! just being around other girlfriends/guyfriends i realize how low my confidence dropped.

 

i think the key in this whole NC/breakup thing is finding yourself again and recovering what you lost -- your own greatness. i don't believe in BLAMING the ex for this that was lost, in fact i blame myself for losing it with him . maybe i have really low self-esteem in relatinoships and HE couldn't handle THAT. but whatever the reason, a good person will accept you at your ups AND downs!! my ex was so addicted to my ups...and didn't pay much attention to my downs. i don't agree with that. it's like he would treat me great when we were out in public and i was center of attention...or publicly speaking or some other confidence-required public activity...but when my job got me stressed for more than a day opr i was just simply "down", he acted different. all in all, i did more for him than he did for me and i waited and waited for it to change.

 

my point in including alll of this extra info that's not directly related to the topic of the thread is that it is important to remember youself and what YOu contributed to the relationship. it's so easy to remember only the negative about YOU!!!! remember what the heck THEY contributed. remember how YOU felt. i don't like how i felt most of the time. i like how i felt WITH him, WHEN he was treating me right, but i hate about 50% of my feelings that include detachment, distance, lack of affection.

 

also, just because someone says they need space, etc., doesn't mean that you should wait around for them. at one point i really respected his need (*and still do), but also felt like i was in limbo. and you can remove yourself from limbo by one simple practice -- REMEMBER HOW GREAT YOU ARE! this sounds so simple, but it's such a hard practice. find whatever venues you can to remind yourself. take the NC time and try to get back what YOU LOST -- cause you didn't lose your ex, you LOST YOURSELF!!!!! and chance are, that's why they broke up with you ... cause when there is a power struggle or things are off balance, we tend to lose ourselves for the sake of having the realtionsihp. but if your ex is not willing to see that, they are messed up.

 

all i know is that NC should be used to get yourself back to the point you were at the first time you ever went out with your ex. cause that's the REALITY of where you stand -- not this distorted self-image that you know have on accoutn of being broken up with.

 

NC is great because TIME BRINGS TO SURFACE THE TRUTH -- if you are a great person and desireable, no matter what happened before, your ex will remember if you give htem enough time. if you don't, you will be blurred out and just look clingy.

 

i know i will see my ex in the next week or so, all i know is that HE LOST. i so miss him, but time heals. NC works too, just be true to yourself. i only break it when i really need an answer to something. then i do the NC again. if you were needy in the relatinoship, your ex WILL NOTICE A CHANGE IN YOU.

 

USE NC TO YOUR ADVANTAGE!!!!! improve upon yourself. i swear, the more energy you put into yourself while NC is in effect, the next time you talk to your ex you will be THAT MUCH BETTER....and over time, you may be as complete as you were when you first started dating. and your ex will wonder why the hell they ever needed time away from you.

 

NC is a process, not a death sentence -- take advantage of it for what it's FOR -- getting yourself back and deciding THEN AND ONLY THEN!!! if you want your ex BACK.

[Kate]

i think if we NC suffers can master the POWER of positivity (NOT positive thinking "oh maybe they'll come back...waaa....waa...." about ourselves, that will slowly embed itself within us...and positivity is powerful and infectuous. read up on it. i would put money on the fact that if you practice it well, karma practices on you and you can get ANYTHING and ANYONE you want. i'm starting this experiment myself, and must say that the last 2 times i spoke w/my ex i could tell by his reactions to me that it's working...slowly, but working!! it's not overnight.

 

PERCEPTION IS REALITY. if you believe they want you and you are the best, YOU ARE. this may sound SO cheesy...but quote me on this...and i'll check back with you guys in a month or so (before that for other things) with regard to this.

 

go buy some anthony robbins books.

[BrotherD]

Kate Kate Kate

 

I have followed your posts and I must say that you are a great gal and your wisdom and flair for writing has been very soothing to my funked up heart at this point in my life. thanks!!!

 

Your last post has some leaks in it. Some thoughts

 

No contact means just that, NO CONTACT. Texting, coffee etc. isn't part of this plan! 9 1/2 days isn't long enough for any clarity on this relationship. I think you should go for at least a month with NO CONTACT!!!

 

The "in transition" thing you wrote about. If I'm into someone, it's never too late to meet, never the wrong time to shack up, never too late to move forward etc. I think he likes you but doesn't want to be with you. If he did, he'd find you and move in with you or get married. Now I could be painting this too "black or white" but from my experience if they want to be with you they will, if not THEY DON"T. Sorry to be such an A-hole, but can you see my point?

 

Let the NO CONTACT thing do it's job. You have made great strides in your journey to truth in this matter. Go one month with NC. Work even more on yourself. Maybe date other guys?

 

I'm taking a hard stance here because I am acutally speaking to myself. If my ex wanted to be with me, I wouldn't be on this board. But here I am, solo! Accepting that has led to great relief! I think the best way to re-appear before the ex, is when YOU ARE COMPLETELY OVER IT!!!! Accepting that it's over (at this time) is the first step to truly getting there.

 

I hope I wasn't too blunt. It comes from someone who is right there with you. Hope this helps

 

BroD

[Kate]

damn i just sent the LONGEST response and my computer crashed. no, i don't think you are too blunt.

 

quickly, the people who initiate NC are screwed. cause they force you to move on. all they do is sit idle, with the same feelings and no self-improvement. they are screwed when you actually move on, and usualyl they shoot themselves in the foot. t hings backfire, esp. those who don't appreciate others.

 

i'm in the anger stage, pissed that i gave up my pride. i forgot how awesome i really am. damn him for not knowing a good thing when he had it. damn him for not cherishing me.

 

spend time with people who cherish you. esp. the opposite sex. spend time around people who treat you the way you want.

 

screw this crap of feeling sad for myself. i was too good for the guy anyway. that's what NC means to me -- remembering how great you are and the fact that your ex is blind. or flat out in a lucid dream.

[sid3]

Nice to hear from you a, always good to hear from you. Not too sure how I am doing right now.Glad to say I made it through the weekend and the birthday so things could be worse, feeling good about the little progress I have made. Your right about the dating advice, noticing things you can do. Yeah that Valentine thing sucks, Know what you mean. I have the two dogs from about the time the relationship started, they're a constant reminder, she was/is their favorite person. She treated them so well, it's really fricking hard. I love them dearly, don't know what I will do about keeping them down the road, not going to think about it now.

 

Hey Bro D, there were some leaks in that reply. Sorry Kate, but he's right. Accepting that it's over (at this time) is the first step to truly getting there. This is what I still struggle with, I get frustrated with myself,as I'm sure my supporters do, because of the uncertainty and fact that who knows what time will bring. Just going to have to keep working on it. Not much else I can do, actually I could give in to weakness and send an email along with some pride, F*** that. Not going to do that today, pretty confident about tomorrow too.She can find me if she decides she wants to. Like you said D, letting the no contact do it's thing. Reminding myself just because I was left, doesn't mean the world is all sunshine and roses for the one who left me. In fact I know it's not. That doesn't make me feel better, it makes me think better though.

If I spent the time trying to meet females as I do dealing with my feelings, thoughts and getting advice and opinions, as well as missing my ex, I think there'd be a small line starting to form. Sometimes it puts a smile on my face when I think, the ex left someone who truly loves her as she was, she was wrong when she claimed I didn't. We all make mistakes, question is who is going to learn from them. I know I am.

[Kate]

hi sid, broD,

 

I know you guys are right. I'm not being too hopeful, i know it's over (now)...and possibly for good. I waver each day between thinking "man, why was i even with him, i deserve better" and "wow, if only i didn't act like that or start that fight or feel so insecure we would be fine". i have a hard time gaging whether or not i was justified in my actions and whether he was with his.

 

at the end of the day, though, the other person either wants to work on things for both of you or they just don't. if i am important enough to him, he will in time, and i'll know it. if not, it truly is his loss...because i feel i am everything he could ask for, as well as always been willing to negotiate and reach a middle ground on any discussion. i mean, what more can you ask for?

 

so, is this NC thing really a game then? should i ignore his calls? he's the one who said he needs space...if/when he calls, do i answer? how should i deal with it so that he is forced to know what he REALLY wants...and I am not enabling him to keep me in limbo?

 

for the record, i have totally started dating -- it's easy for me to do that, just not easy to move on. i started up my social life 1 day after the breakup so that's good...but doesn't mean i don't want him back.

 

i think making a list of all the reasons they are not right for you or you don't want them helps. being dumped sometimes just makes you dillusional -- would you really want them if they wanted you 100%, meaning woul dyou want them as much as you do at THIS MOMENT? thoughts??

 

also, you know how girls can be friends w/guys after a breakup and usually are not the ones who want to be physical (they can also be "just firends" w/guy

[Starting Over]

Sid,

 

I hope that things work out for you. It doesn't sound like you are co-dependent. It sounds like you are thinking with your head and your heart. You are keeping your heart open by not becoming bitter, and yet you are not misleading yourself. I think that's good. It is tempting, I know to think about...what's the recipe, steps, etc to make this work out in the end. There's no sure answer.

 

I have been saying the Serenity prayer whenever I feel overwhelmed by the situation and not knowing if he'll come back..."God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference". Let God answer your questions for you. He knows it all, afterall.

 

I'll send up a prayer for the both of us, for healing and direction.

 

God Bless you.

[sid3]

Thanks for the prayer, can never hurt to have someone praying for you.

Your right, I am not becoming bitter. I was for about a week or so after the breakup, that's why I carry the guilt,I acted foolishly. I have reached my threshold of pain and hurt. Cannot take anymore, I don't know what it exactly means. I'd like to runaway, but there is no where to run, I already tried it anyhow. Problems are like a shadow, they'll follow you where you go.

[sid3]

I've been reading some of the replies I have received, they are helping me quite a bit. Kind of getting tired of hurting, it expends too much energy. I keep on saying it, I'm going to have to just do it, nobody can do it for me. I have come to realize that wanting to make contact gets more difficult for me personally about the third week, where I am almost at now. I'm going to stick with just making it through each day, it's been working for me.

[dasani08810]

Recently, I came to the conclusion that my break-up wasn't causing me pain, I WAS!!

 

The conclusion I came to was this:

 

She was gone, I was hurt. That's natural. It's a habit I was forced to give up. But the pain was lingering because I was the one holding on to hope. I was looking for anything that would give me the glimpse of any hope and driving myself nuts trying to find it.

 

Then, a couple of days ago, I just got to the point of "enough!!!" DONE!!! Not so much with her, but with me and the games I was playing in my mind.

 

Trying to reconcile was more about my own ego and self-esteem than getting her back. The truth is: I really don't want her. She definiately wasn't "All that and a bag of chips". In my mind, I had convinced myself that she was all I needed to be happy. Bullshiit!!!!! I was happy way before I met her. Actually being with her was ultra high maintenance. Two hours a day on the phone, I was always the one to drive the 90 mile one way trip, blah blah blah. She actually was way more burden than good to me. I can count on one hand how many times she cooked or did anything for me. WTF was I thinking. Besides, I KNOW me and I KNOW that even though I would feel bliss for a time, I know I would never trust her at the level I want to trust my partner. I know that if she does come back, it would be a short lived relationship as a result. Who wants to go through life with someone that can do this to the person "they love"? Would you EVER give yourself totally to her again? Hell no! We are better off starting new with someone we have no history with than going back with someone we would never trust.

Most of the time we want them back to salvage our ego; not because they were such a great person. If they were so great, why are they gone; and, why do they leave you in this wake of pain? Maybe they had to for whatever reason. But they did what they did regardless. THEY CAN NEVER BE TRUSTED WITH YOUR HEART AGAIN!!!

 

Anyway, I think most of this struggle is about getting to the point of giving up hope. Putting the last nail in the coffin, so to speak. Because WE know that once we give up hope; all hope is gone then gone. Why is that such a bad thing?

 

There is also another side to this. As humans, we can get addicted to feelings. Over the term of the crisis, we can actually get used to feeling IN CRISIS. That in itself, although painful, in a way is also comforting. It becomes the norm and we don't like not feeling the norm. It makes us uncomfortable.

 

On the days that you wake up and feel "over it"; what is going through your mind? Relief? Sure. Relaxed? Sure. But for how long? Not very. Why? I think it's because calm and relaxed has been a feeling that we haven't felt in a long time. One can feel uncomfortable being calm and relaxed if they aren't used to it.

 

Like smoking, when you first quit: you think, YES! I'm DONE with those damn things. But soon one starts to feel anxious because he's not used to not smoking yet.

 

So yes, for a time it takes a conscience day to day (and even sometimes second to second) effort to concentrate on the relaxed feeling you get from just being. If you spend too much time in this crisis thought process, it only makes it more difficult to change.

 

My ex-wife (who is a very good friend of mine) recommended a couple of years ago to try Zen meditation to relax and get used to its feeling. Of course, I thought of it as "sissy stuff". After a while, I broke down and tried it. I've been doing it for a couple of years and it really does help get you to a level of peace that you aren't used to. Sure I still have bad things happen and have bad thoughts. But they stay for a short time and I get back to the feelings of peace and relaxation. I want to stay used to that feeling.

 

Ok, off my soapbox! LOL

[lost_in_chgo]

I know I would never trust her at the level I want to trust my partner.

Now there's a good reason. Trust is very important. Certainly a second go around is riskier.

 

 

But they did what they did regardless. THEY CAN NEVER BE TRUSTED WITH YOUR HEART AGAIN!!!

No necessarily true, but if it makes you feel better....

There are times when people are just overwhelmed with life. What she did might not have been about you.

 

 

Because WE know that once we give up hope; all hope is gone then gone.

When you give up hope, all YOUR hope is gone. But it doesn't mean that there is no chance of reconciling. Unless YOU make it so. You just feel better about the probability that it will never happen.

 

On the days that you wake up and feel "over it"; what is going through your mind? Relief? Sure. Relaxed? Sure. But for how long? Not very. Why? I think it's because calm and relaxed has been a feeling that we haven't felt in a long time. One can feel uncomfortable being calm and relaxed if they aren't used to it.

That right there is the cause of many breakups. Insecurity. When one party is raised in a bad situation and has a tough time all their life. Then they meet someone who has their act together. Then they start to feel that things are too good to be true and they start to become anxious and distrustful of, not their partner, but their situation. Then they start to pull back to their comfort zone of chaos. They look for reasons to break up. But really they are just running for safety. Or they spend their life running from person to person and finally meet someone who is not just using them, but looking for commitment. They expect to be discarded at some point and cannot believe that the commitment could be real. So they run, to avoid being hurt.

[dasani08810]

But they did what they did regardless. THEY CAN NEVER BE TRUSTED WITH YOUR HEART AGAIN!!!

No necessarily true, but if it makes you feel better....

There are times when people are just overwhelmed with life. What she did might not have been about you.

 

Lost:

 

I have read a lot of your posts and am quite respectful of your insight. I wrote the above as an absolute and I agree with your response to that. But yes, for me, if they have that weakness to run when the going gets tough, I think it defines their coping skills. In other words, I myself, prefer to be with someone that will stand side by side with me throughout the battles of life. Not run to the hills and leave me standing because they aren't strong enough to deal. What good does it ever do to think someone has your back only to turn around and find them running and you are left standing alone to take on whatever? Could ANYONE ever trust 100% that their person will be there the next time the going gets tough?

 

To me, trust it either 100% or 0%.. Anything in between just doesn't get it. Again that's just me.

 

 

 

Because WE know that once we give up hope; all hope is gone then gone.

When you give up hope, all YOUR hope is gone. But it doesn't mean that there is no chance of reconciling. Unless YOU make it so. You just feel better about the probability that it will never happen.

 

Agreed. But at the time the turmoil is going on, the only hope is the one of the left behind person who wants to make it work. That hope is all that's left. Most of us that struggle just can't let go of that. That is what causes our grief. Holding on to something that should be let go. Sure, letting go of hope does close the door; but it certainly doesn't lock it. Life has a way of changing things. But holding on to hope keeps one from moving on to most likely higher places.

[Kate]

yep. i wrote a long post earlier about this. regardless of the circumstances, if you want them back or not, it's up to you to improve your own mentality. only then can you see things clearly. at first i thought i would totally kick him to the curb...i thought of every reason why he sucked. and, he has his faults, but what i realized is i really want to be with this guy. and in order to do so, i have so much work to do on mysel f-- i would have to do this for ANY healthy relationship i want. i know he is working on himself too right now. regardless, it can't be said enough how important it is to get yourself back. a relationship is a healthy partnership of two very seperate and whole individuals -- not people looking to fill a void, and we ALL do that but need to learn how not to, together or apart. being alone can be so therapeutic. take it for what it is. once you improve yourself, i believe you can truly have anything you want in life.

[sid3]

There are times when people are just overwhelmed with life.

 

True statement.

 

She was gone, I was hurt. That's natural. It's a habit I was forced to give up. But the pain was lingering because I was the one holding on to hope. I was looking for anything that would give me the glimpse of any hope and driving myself nuts trying to find it.

 

Yep, this is exactly what I have been doing. Even being aware of it is not enough, I think reaching the point where you have to feel your done is what it takes. I'd like to have been there months ago. I sure as hell don't want to be here months from now. In fact, I would like to be there right now.

[lost_in_chgo]

To me, trust it either 100% or 0%.. Anything in between just doesn't get it. Again that's just me.

 

Believe me...I understand that completely. I've always followed the same philosophy, until this last time. Maybe it's circumstances, maybe it's age, maybe it's wisdom, or as my stepbrother characterizes it desparation (though I think he's rethought that since)

 

 

But holding on to hope keeps one from moving on to most likely higher places.

 

for sure, I wish I could let go of this. It just doesn't go away. Recently I've taken to removing all traces of her from my life and i've turned down employment offers where she works. Until she learns to behave, I don't want to work with her.

[lost_in_chgo]

Yep, this is exactly what I have been doing. Even being aware of it is not enough, I think reaching the point where you have to feel your done is what it takes. I'd like to have been there months ago. I sure as hell don't want to be here months from now. In fact, I would like to be there right now.

 

I'm starting to get to the point where it just isn't worth it. All that stuff about she isn't worth it and all strikes a chord, even though I really don't feel that way. Still, there's that "hell with her" attitude that creeps around sometimes.

[sid3]

Glad to hear it, why continue to want someone who causes so much pain? That's what I am asking myself. In reality, she is not all that which my mind has made her out to be. In fact, I could do as well if not better. The grass may very well be greener on the otherside,it's dead and brown on this side, time to hop the fence!

[dasani08810]

The grass may very well be greener on the otherside,it's dead and brown on this side, time to hop the fence!

 

Ahhh, be careful of that thought Sid!! The grass may only be greener on the other side because it's probably fertilized with a ton of shiit!! LOL So, make your grass the greenest on the street by culturing it and making it grow thick and strong the right way. Why go looking for greener grass when you can make yours the greenest and attract someone to your side of the fence?

Sorry, I'm feeling quite philosophical tonight! LOL

 

Lost,

 

I have to say that my loss felt alot like having a car stolen a while ago. I just left the keys in it for about 5 minutes, came out and it was gone. Was that my fault? No, not really. Was I stupid? Yes. My stupidity was in trusting that everyone around me was honest. That's not a fault, that's just faith in people.

Now, going on that thought, after the break-up, I felt the exact same way. I felt like I got ripped off. Was that my fault? No But I was stupid in throwing my heart at something that has shown to be undeserving of it. Yep.

 

If I could go back in time, I would have never left my keys in my car and would do anything to get it back. It wasn't a bad thing for me to trust other people. The fault lies with the unethical people that took it.

Now, if I had another car stolen under the same circumstances, then I would be at fault for not protecting my property after learning such a lesson.

 

I said all that to say this: I think a lot of the feeling of loss is that we have found that we didn't stay protected and didn't think to protect ourselves from the people that are undeserving of what we have. Most of us don't want to alter our love style; it's who we are. It's our core. But, maybe we should look a little closer at what type of person we pick to give ourselves to. Why do we pick the people we do? Why do we love them?

 

For me, I'm a very helpful type person and I seem to be attracted to people that are going through tough times in life. Hell, I root for the freaking Mets!!! That should tell you something. What I'm saying is it's the people we pick to get involved with. When we, time and time again, pick the wrong types, we get hurt. A friend of mine (my ex-wife) told me there's not necessarily anything wrong with me; there's something wrong with my "people picker".

 

Now I'm not saying I'm perfect by any stetch of the imagination. I just pick people that bring out the worst in me. I'm dating now, but becoming very very selective in my picks. I'm not completly over the break-up and probably won't be for a while. But I've gotten to the point that I CRINGE when I see an e-mail from her. The last few, I just deleted without reading. They could be filled with apologies or whatever. But I've come to the realization that there is no way I can go through life with someone who I have ANY DOUBT will be there when things get tough.

 

For me, a relatioship is only as strong as the ability to work through the rough spots. These people who have left have already shown their lack of strenghth and I don't think I could ever really know that they could prove themselves. I would much rather be alone than be with someone I can't rely on. At least then, I know what I'm dealing with and what my arsenal has in it to use during the battles of life. Relationships are supposed to be fun; but there is a level of responsibility that goes along with it. It's a "I have your back, you have mine". But, most of the people I seem to pick only want me to have their back, and when they're needed to cover mine; they're gone.

 

Think about her worth to you. Really really think about why you want her back. Is it like my car? A feeling of being ripped off and wanting it back? Or, do you really love her and will forgo not being able to trust her again for the rest of your life?

 

I have to say that I replaced that lost car ( a Hyundai Sonata) with an Eclipse converitble. Was I sad that it got stolen? HELL YEA Am I sad anymore? Hell no!! Will I leave my keys in it again? Are you freakin kiddin me???? LOL

[dreamguy]

dasani08810,

Some really interesting thoughts... keep sharing !

 

lost_in_chgo,

"That right there is the cause of many breakups. Insecurity. When one party is raised in a bad situation and has a tough time all their life. Then they meet someone who has their act together. Then they start to feel that things are too good to be true and they start to become anxious and distrustful of, not their partner, but their situation. Then they start to pull back to their comfort zone of chaos. They look for reasons to break up. But really they are just running for safety. Or they spend their life running from person to person and finally meet someone who is not just using them, but looking for commitment. They expect to be discarded at some point and cannot believe that the commitment could be real. So they run, to avoid being hurt."

Damn man ! You just made me realize something I had never thought of ! I was reading your words and it suddenly hit me. All the times my ex used to say "I don't trust your words" and "why was your mobile phone closed ?" and "what if I stay with you for two years and then something bad happens?" then on the day we broke up she said "I always knew we won't be forever together".

All her words, it all comes back to me now, one after the other as if it was a playback for some movie!

lost_in_chgo I have to sincerely thank you for that wonderful paragraph you wrote ! You have helped clarify something I haven't been able to understand for the last 5 weeks !

 

Once again, I'm happy I joined this forum. I'm helping people who are helping me in return.

[lost_in_chgo]

dasani08810

I have to say that my loss felt alot like having a car stolen a while ago. I just left the keys in it for about 5 minutes, came out and it was gone. Was that my fault? No, not really. Was I stupid? Yes. My stupidity was in trusting that everyone around me was honest. That's not a fault, that's just faith in people.

....

Now I'm not saying I'm perfect by any stetch of the imagination. I just pick people that bring out the worst in me. I'm dating now, but becoming very very selective in my picks. I'm not completly over the break-up and probably won't be for a while. But I've gotten to the point that I CRINGE when I see an e-mail from her. The last few, I just deleted without reading. They could be filled with apologies or whatever. But I've come to the realization that there is no way I can go through life with someone who I have ANY DOUBT will be there when things get tough.

 

Your car was stolen because of something you didn't know or understand: that there are people who are inherently dishonest or desparately dishonest out there ready to take advantage of you at any opportunity.

 

You've learned from that and become stronger, but it took going thru that experience to get you to that point. And you will never do it again.

 

Relationships are a skill too. Perhaps your ex has something to learn too. Perhaps when she does, she will never do it again either. You've decided to close the door. That's OK if it is what you need to do. No one but you can make that decision.

 

For me, a relatioship is only as strong as the ability to work through the rough spots.

 

It is the rough spots that define the relationship.

 

Relationships are supposed to be fun; but there is a level of responsibility that goes along with it. It's a "I have your back, you have mine".

 

Well said.

 

Think about her worth to you. Really really think about why you want her back. Is it like my car? A feeling of being ripped off and wanting it back? Or, do you really love her and will forgo not being able to trust her again for the rest of your life?

 

I discussed with a mutual friend the idea of hooking up with my ex while she was not yet over her divorce and how it would be a bad idea because I would be a transition guy for her. I even asked this friend to help me by counseling her so that my ex wasn't pushing me to go out. I was being pursued by her at the time. I knew that doing so would probably end in disaster but I just couldn't say no. It's like I saw the guy standing next to the car wearing a "car thief" t-shirt.

 

So I was there for her when she needed me, and then she went away.

 

But in the back of my mind, she's going to throw that switch one day. The one where she wakes up and says to herself, "what am I doing?!! Oh no, it's too late", etc.

 

As far as trust issues, the only way I could take her back is if I break thru that barrier she has up and decides that communication is most important and we can talk everything out in detail. That's the only way to overcome her trust issues and insecurity and make her realize that what she really wants can and does really exist. That can only happen if she drives to me first.

 

She's told me what she wants out of a relationship, and what she is looking for now is not what she wants deep down, she's in the easy comfort zone now and that will burn her just like the last time.

 

She doesn't know why the car was stolen. She doesn't realize she's handing the keys to another thief. If she does realize that she'll give me the keys and I'll install an alarm.

[lost_in_chgo]

Damn man ! You just made me realize something I had never thought of ! I was reading your words and it suddenly hit me. All the times my ex used to say "I don't trust your words" and "why was your mobile phone closed ?" and "what if I stay with you for two years and then something bad happens?" then on the day we broke up she said "I always knew we won't be forever together".

All her words, it all comes back to me now, one after the other as if it was a playback for some movie! I have to sincerely thank you for that wonderful paragraph you wrote ! You have helped clarify something I haven't been able to understand for the last 5 weeks !

 

Yeah, OK, good. But explain....

What have you realized? How does it affect things?

 

Maybe when we develop our skills enough to do this analysis in real time, we'll be able to head off disaster by reinforcing the doubts inherent in women when they project them onto us.

 

Here's a good quote from http://www.stayhitched.com/guys.htm

A final thought: Don't read his mind. Contrary to popular belief, women are not born with telepathic abilities. They just seem to have an almost genetic predisposition to try to read male minds. Actually, it's social conditioning that makes women especially sensitive to trying to read their emotional environment. When he's quiet, it's not an invitation to guess what's on his mind. Wait until he figures it out for himself and can explain it to you. When you assume that you know what he's thinking, it just puts more pressure on him and adds to the confusion.

[dasani08810]

Lost:

 

For me, that paragraph you wrote was reinforcement of a gut feel I had about all this. Her life was in total chaos at all times. My life is quite comfortable and relaxed; both financially and emotionally. She always seemed to be mad at me because her life was a mess and she couldn't find a way out. She had always asked me "how do I get a job like that" or always asking me how to handle financial matters. When I would tell her what I did to get here, she always got mad at me. "You think you are so much better than everyone else!" blah blah blah.

I remember once, when she asked me about how I got to where I am in my career; I told her "go to college and get a degree in something you like to do". Her response was "where do I find the time; I can't do that. I have too much on my plate". I responded "it's all about priorities. Maybe you should think about spending the 3 or 4 hours a night in a classroom instead of online or on the phone." Her response was "Damn, you are pompous!"

How the hell is that pompous? She asked me how to get there and I gave her a suggestion. That makes me pompous? Whatever.

 

I really think it was the envy of my lifestyle that caused resentment on her part. I know that sounds arrogant, that isn't the intent. She pushed me into wanting to marry her and I have to say, I retreated because I saw it as more of a "rescue me" and "give me your lifestyle". I told her several times that I don't trust it yet enough to marry. And I have always told her "beware of those that demand you trust them". People that understand what trust is, know what it takes to earn it. They know that they can't DEMAND it. Like love, trust is developed when it feels right to do so.

 

Anyway, I said all that to say this. You can try to lead someone down the path they CLAIM to want to go. But the fact is, they have to want it bad enough to see it. The paragraph you wrote just confirmed my thoughts about everything I was writing. Some people just see what they want but lack the courage to go out and get it themselves. The ones that are addicted to stress and a stessful lifestyle are attracted to those that don't live that way. They think that if they get involved with someone like that, they can be automatically transformed into living peaceful. Once they realize that it takes work AND confronting the barriers of fear they have within themselves, they run back to what they know. CHAOS.