Husband doesn't want a divorce...but doesn't want to be together

[ready2moveon26]

My husband and I have been married for 4 years. I am only 26 years old and he is 27. We have a 3 year old daughter. We have seperated twice. The first time was in September of 2001 right after my daughter's 2nd birthday. He came home from work one morning and said, "I can't do this anymore, I'm leaving." As surprised as I was, I was hurting more. We got back together the day after Christmas because he said he had the worst Christmas of his life without me and our daughter there. He is a great dad and loves our daughter very much. I let him have her whenever he wanted her but he only wanted her when it was convenient for him.

 

We did fine for a while and then he started cheating on me. He cheated on me several times and while I was playing, Sherlock Holmes, he lied to me daily. He went to the bar everynight after work and sometimes wouldn't come home until the sun came up. I was fed up with it but didn't want to leave him because him and my daughter are my dream. I decided if he could do it, then so can I. I was unfaithful to him and lied to him just as much as he lied and was unfaithful to me.

 

On our 3rd Anniverary, we had a wonderful talk and admitted and apologized for what we had done and admitted why and that we loved one another. Things were great for the next few months, until a new, pretty, young college girl started working with him. He talked about her constantly. To be honest, I didn't trust him, (because of his past) and started snooping around again. I found that he had bought her flowers, TWICE! I didn't say anything because I didn't want to lose the family that I had always wanted.

 

We had a few discussions and I decided I couldn't do it anymore and he agreed. Then it was dropped. Neither of us did a thing. We just kept living, lying to ourselves. In the last few months, my husband lost his job. He became friends with a girl from work, who is married to guy at work, and they started, "hanging out". One evening she called and he said to her, (right in front of me) what are you doing later. I don't know how she replied, so I let it go. After dinner that night we were playing Candy Land with our daughter and she called again. He suddenly had the urge to go to the gym. Our daughter wanted to go along to play with her friends there, so I said, if Daddy waits a minute, we'll all go. He said, I don't want to wait a minute. I am going now! Then he proceeded out the door with my cell phone. I went to the door to ask why he needed my cell phone and he said, cause he was expecting a call. That is the night I packed my bags.

 

The following night, we took our daughter to my parents house. When we got back, she called. He said, I'm going to go meet her, she's upset. I asked him specifically if he was going to come back and he said yes. I repacked my bag and sat and waited. I waited for what seemed like forever. When he walked in the door he asked what was going on and why did I have my bag packed and my coat on. I told him I was done and couldn't do it anymore.

 

We are seperated now and have been for 2 and half months. We have talked about everything and are great friends now. She is out of the picture now and he's great. Whenever I take my daughter to see him, he offers for me to spend the night. It's a 2 hour drive, so I do. I do because I know he loves me and doesn't want a divorce. One night, after our daughter was sleeping, I asked him if he wanted to get a divorce and he said, No! We have continued to have sex and love one another openly for the 2 months we've been seperated.

 

He hasn't dated anyone else since we've been seperated. He encourages me, almost daily, to move on. He says I can do better than him and he wants to see me happy. He should know more than anyone that I am happy when I am with him. I have seen one guy a few times, but I constantly compare him to my husband and my husband always wins.

 

Well my husband had our daughter this week. I called her last night and she wasn't there. She was spending the night with her grandparents, which is fine, but I said, what are you doing? He said, I'm here with a HOT CHICK. I was so inceredibly hurt that I didn't know what to do or say. When I called my daughter today, again, she was there. I love my husband and I love my daughter. We have been a family. I don't want to lose that...What can I do?

[uriel]

Sorry to say this but you need to accept that you haven't been and aren't going to be the family you've dreamt of. It hasn't ever existed, since your husband has never been fully committed to it. He's not a great father. When a man disrespects his wife by cheating on her, he also violates his children's trust. He hurts the woman they look to for care and well being. He undermines the family bond. Even though he's separated from his daughter, he'd still rather spend his evening with a hot chick than her (or you). Some dad he is.

 

Get therapy, get the divorce, and find a man who treats you as you deserve to be treated. You need a reality check.

 

-- uriel

[befuddled11]

My dear,

 

There is nothing wrong with, and it's totally understandable to want to keep your family together. But what you have, isn't a family. What you have is just you and your daughter...though that is a family, just not the kind of family you have in your mind/heart (including your husband).

 

You are young, so is your daughter. Get out of this mess of a marriage now, before you invest any more of your time or heart into it.

 

I don't know what your husband's problem is, but it seems that since your daughter's second birthday (2 yrs ago), he's definitely not been the least committed to you and her. He obviously can't handle the responsibility and work it takes to make a marriage work. He's more concerned with stroking his ego (and other parts, I'm sure) with young "hot chicks." Any man who would basically "dump off" his daughter with the grandparents, just so he can make time with a "hot chick", that's a very selfish, rude person who's not husband material.

 

You are clinging to your dream of being a "family"...but it's just not realistic with this guy. Your daughter is better off with you 2 being divorced than for him to be hurting you, time and time again like this....where he's not a stable, consistent figure in her life. No doubt she sees your sadness and disappointment...kids are sharp. You don't want to her to grow up believing that "men just hurt women."

 

You can not count on him or rely on him. He will try to use you for sex....but he can't give you anything more...and you don't want to sleep with him because god knows where his d*ck has been.

 

Be strong for you and your daughter. I know it's hard to imagine it right now, but you're young..and you WILL find someone someday, when you're ready, who will be a good man....who will treat you with loyalty and respect and integrity.....who will love you and your daughter.

 

This back and forth thing isn't good for you, or your daughter.

 

Go and talk to an attorney.........it doesn't mean you have to do anything yet....just find out your rights, how the process goes.......you have to ensure that you and your daughter will be taken care of....in terms of child support, and possibly alimony (if you're not working). There is nothing wrong with you. You didn't deserve any of this. You are not a failure as a woman or as a wife. Unfortunately, you just got involved with someone who was not mature enough to be a husband and a father.

 

For him to have told you that he had a "hot chick" there.....that is unspeakably cruel. It seems that he's trying to hurt you so that you'll be the one to end things. So do. Talk to an attorney about a legal separation and child support/custody..and divorce. It may feel like you're living in hell now, but in time you will be very happy that you stood up for yourself and your daughter......and you WILL find someone to love again, who will TRULY love you, and be there for you both.

[ready2moveon26]

I wanted to say thanks to those who replied to my post. Just to update you, when I picked my daughter up yesterday, the girl was there. I stayed 5 minutes to get her and her stuff together then went down to his parents house to see his sister. I stayed there a few minutes and drove home. As I was leaving his house, he said, have her call me tonight and I said, why don't you call her cause I never know when you're home. He said he would and guess what...he didn't call his 3 year old daughter after he said he would. I am done! I have accepted the fact that we are no longer a family. I have my daughter and my education to hold on to and I will make it and I will someday, find the man of my dreams! Again, THANK YOU!

[FolderWife]

:( :( :( :( :( :( :(

 

What a HEARTBREAKING story! I understand why you stayed so long...I'd probably stay that long too. Ironically, my parents live 2 hours away too. If I moved out of our home, I'd probably run back to them.

 

Your husband is such a mean, selfish jerk. My heart goes out to you. He doesn't know what a good things he's losing.....scratch that, he doesn't know what a good thing he's THROWING AWAY!

 

DOOOOOOOOOOOONT take him back.

[ready2moveon26]

I just wanted to update everyone on what's going on in my life. I have moved on and have made an appointment with a lawyer. I discussed it with my husband and we agree on everything, (I get everything) and we file for bankruptsy on all of his bills. I owe nothing. We will have shared parenting with our daughter. He'll have her a week and I'll have her a week. He was good this time about making sure she was taken care of, so I don't really see this to be a problem. His Dad lives just down the street if it ever becomes one, so that I don't have to worry about. Anyway...we are going to get a dissolution and I feel good about it because I will no longer be under his control and he will NEVER be able to hurt me again!

 

I AM DONE! I AM FREE! I LOVE MYSELF! I AM ME!

[ready2moveon26]

I went to the lawyer today. We are getting a dissolution.

[ready2moveon26]

My daughter has been asking a lot of questions lately about why her daddy don't love me anymore. I don't know how to answer them, so I told her to ask him. He claims he's employed now but I doubt it is true. His dad and step mom have kicked him out of the house they own and he is not talking to them now. His family still really supports me and have turned their backs on him. I feel a little bad about it, but he deserves it. I can't stand him anymore. He is mad at me now because I told our daughter that it is not ok to call his 19 year old girlfriend mom. Give me a break! If he really wants me mad, I can go back to the lawyer and get full custody and make him pay child support...I haven't done it yet but then again we haven't heard from him in almost 2 weeks. He has not even tried to call to find out when he'll get his daughter again. This is his week, but she's here with me. When I told him about her birthday party (that all of his family plans on going to) he said, I'm not coming." All I could do was say ok. Then when our daughter asks why here dad isn't there, I'm going to have to send her to his family for an answer because I am tired of making things look good for him. What now?

[uriel]

So sorry everything's turned out this way. But, I'm hopeful that you'll be free of him finally and able to heal and move on. Of course, your sharing a child together gets in the way of a complete break. Even if he's a creep to you and a bad father to her, he's the only biological daddy she'll ever have.

 

When she asks why he doesn't love you any more or why he's leaving your family, you need to be very careful how you answer. Obviously, you're hurt. She is too. However, for her, the hurt is of a different kind and potentially even more scaring. Kids tend to take their self-esteem not only from how their parents treat them but from who they perceive their parents to be as people. If she gets the message that her dad is trash and treats you like trash, what is your daughter going to think about herself? Yep -- that's she's trash, no good, unlovable. This isn't a rational response -- it's a deep, automatic mechanism.

 

Whatever you feel, whatever you do, you MUST protect her from this as much as possible. Don't triangulate her in your problems with your husband. Don't express your feelings about the breakdown of this adult relationship to her in any detail. Admit that you are sad and angry, but don't talk to her about those feelings as if she's a friend. Just explain that you wish things had turned out differently -- and that the problems in your relationship with her father are 1) adult, 2) between the two of you, and 3) have nothing to do with how much the two of you love her. Assure her that you and her father will work together to make sure she is safe, supported, and loved. (Yes, even if you have to bite your tongue.) Do not tell her to ask her father why he doesn't love you anymore. She has NO BUSINESS getting involved in your relationship with him. That will only damage her. PROTECT your daughter! (I speak, btw, as an adult survivor of a very ugly divorce with many consequences years later. My brother no longer speaks to either of my parents and I barely speak to one of them -- and not the one who raised me.)

 

Now, I do feel that you have the right to set certain boundaries with your ex. You have the right to enforce visitation rules that are reasonable -- such as his seeing your daughter for agreed times, doing agreed upon activities, etc. You have a right to ask that your daughter not call his new gf / fiance / wife "mom." She's not the girl's mother. That's not just about respect owed to you, but about your daughter's emotional health. She needs honest, safe, predictable circumstances and relationships, especially amidst this chaos that your husband has introduced.

 

Don't allow your husband to make the girl a pawn in some power struggle between the two of you. Make sure he's taking care of your daughter's feelings first. Of course, you do the same.

 

Take care -- and stay strong --

 

uriel

[ready2moveon26]

Well...my husband has moved but I only found out because my daughter called his mom and he was there. He talked to her on the phone for about 10 minutes this time and when she hung up, she was crying. She said he "yelled" at her. I don't konw how to take him anymore. He is not the person I once knew. His family completely agrees with me there. I called him yesterday, and his mom answered and said he was in bed...I told her to tell him that I'd be halfway to their house and wanted to see if he wanted to meet somewhere so he can spend a little time with our daughter. His mom thought it was a great idea and said she'd have him call me...well he never did. I gave him one week from yesterday to make an attempt to contact his daughter. Her birthday is Sunday, so I didn't really pick a good week, but we'll see how he does. If he does not initiate any contact, he's going to start paying and my daughter will be in preschool and he won't be able to have her until the weekends...that is if he wants her. I am not making him take her and I am not going to make her go. Since he does live with his mom now, I know she'll be taken care of.

Oh yeah...his mom told me on the phone a few weeks ago that he was going to be moving in there and that she was NOT going to let his girlfriend upstairs (where his room is) so he'll either only stay there when he has to or he'll do something to piss his mom off so she'll kick him out...anyway she said the only girls allowed upstairs (other than her of course) are my daughter and me if I wanted to...well I told her that would NEVER come up because I DON'T want to. (Actually I do want to, but I can't do that to myself again, so I won't)