My Mom Hates My Boyfriend

[meanie_monday]

I feel really lame for resorting to a thread to get some advice and whatnot regarding my mom and her hate for my boyfriend, but I think some unbiased opinions would be really good.

 

Anyway, I'm 18 and I go to college and have a job to help out my family (my mom's a single parent). My boyfriend is a senior in high school and obviously, to me is a pretty cool guy. However, my mom doesn't like him at all. He's courteous and respectful whenever he comes over, but my mom thinks he's a loser all because he doesn't have a job. She thinks I shouldn't be the only one with a job and makes it seem like we're going to get married. To be realistic, I doubt that'll even happen, yet my mom is so concerned about him having a job. I know she thinks having a job is important because we have a hard time with bills and taking care of my sisters, but his financial situation isn't like ours.

 

Now she tells our extended family (aunts, cousins, etc) that I'm dating a loser and that I could do much better. I've tried to tell her that I don't appreciate her talking bad about us, but she doesn't get it. My grandma really liked my boyfriend, but now thinks I could do better because my mom made him sound like a total bum. She makes him sound demanding (he's not; I pretty much wear the pants in our relationship haha) and that he treats me like crap, when he's extremely nice to me.

 

My mom's trying to relate our relationship to my cousin's who's married and practically supports her lazy husband. I've tried to tell her that we're just dating and that marriage is kind of far away for me right now (I'm 18!). She keeps making snide comments and just this morning I heard her on the phone talking about my relationship because she thought I was asleep. I don't know if she has a point or if I should just ignore her and hope she stops talking crap.

 

What do you guys suggest?

[visualbasicide]

OK, so here is the real deal. If you think him not having a job is something that wont matter in the long term of your relationship, then don't worry about what your mother says. I know a few people that have stay at home dads, which is "normally" not the status quo, but for them it works. Do NOT let your parents make choices for you about your relationships.

 

I know what your mother is thinking, if he doesn't have a job he won't be a good provider. Every parent's nightmare. The bottom line is what makes you two happy in the relationship, if you DO get married down the line, will him not having a job matter to you? That is the only question you need to be concerned with. As good intentioned as parents are, they have ruined many a relationship that would have otherwise worked. It is YOUR life and YOUR choices that will dictate your happiness, do not let someone make those choices for you. If you plan on marrying your mother then by all means, listen to everything she says because you will be with her the rest of your life. If you plan on marrying someone else, then make sure that THEY are what you want.

 

One day, the kids will be gone from the house, our parents will be long buried and and all we will have is our spouse, remember that no matter what comes along in life, your significant other will be what you are ultimately left with, so don't loose sight of that fact along the way.

[KathyM]

I feel really lame for resorting to a thread to get some advice and whatnot regarding my mom and her hate for my boyfriend, but I think some unbiased opinions would be really good.

 

Anyway, I'm 18 and I go to college and have a job to help out my family (my mom's a single parent). My boyfriend is a senior in high school and obviously, to me is a pretty cool guy. However, my mom doesn't like him at all. He's courteous and respectful whenever he comes over, but my mom thinks he's a loser all because he doesn't have a job. She thinks I shouldn't be the only one with a job and makes it seem like we're going to get married. To be realistic, I doubt that'll even happen, yet my mom is so concerned about him having a job. I know she thinks having a job is important because we have a hard time with bills and taking care of my sisters, but his financial situation isn't like ours.

 

Now she tells our extended family (aunts, cousins, etc) that I'm dating a loser and that I could do much better. I've tried to tell her that I don't appreciate her talking bad about us, but she doesn't get it. My grandma really liked my boyfriend, but now thinks I could do better because my mom made him sound like a total bum. She makes him sound demanding (he's not; I pretty much wear the pants in our relationship haha) and that he treats me like crap, when he's extremely nice to me.

 

My mom's trying to relate our relationship to my cousin's who's married and practically supports her lazy husband. I've tried to tell her that we're just dating and that marriage is kind of far away for me right now (I'm 18!). She keeps making snide comments and just this morning I heard her on the phone talking about my relationship because she thought I was asleep. I don't know if she has a point or if I should just ignore her and hope she stops talking crap.

 

What do you guys suggest?

She's seeing him only through her situation and her needs, and she's afraid that just because he doesn't have a job now, it means he's lazy or unmotivated. Lots of guys don't have outside jobs while in high school, since they are full-time students. Especially the guys who are taking a lot of tough classes. They need a lot of outside time to do homework so they can do well in school. I've always discouraged my kids from taking on a job during the school year, because they need their time for homework, sports, and having a social life. They will have their whole lives to work. Right now, their "job" is their classes, and that needs to be their priority. A lot of kids get summer jobs and are not employed during the school year. If your bf has a demanding class schedule, and has ambitions to go to college, then you could try to convince your mother that he is concentrating on long term goals and his future career, and doesn't want to jeopardize that with a time-consuming part-time job. If he has no plans for the future, isn't taking a difficult course load, and doesn't look for a summer job, your mother may have reason to be concerned. You do have a right to privacy, however, and I would not tolerate my mother badmouthing my bf to various people. Tell her you don't want her to talk badly about your bf to others. It's hurtful, it's gossip, and it's not fair to you or your bf.

[meanie_monday]

Thanks you guys. Pretty insightful stuff. One other thing that bothers me, and maybe it doesn't have any relevance, but I think it's hypocritical of her to judge my relationship. My mom's been married 3 times and her last relationship was an on-and-off thing where she was emotionally and physically abused. No matter how many times I tried to get her to end it, she wouldn't listen to me. Thankfully it's done, but NOW, she's in a fwb relationship. Personally, I don't think she's setting a good example for me OR my younger sisters. And I can't stand that she's criticizing my relationship, which to me, is working out completely fine.

 

It doesn't bother me that I have a job and he doesn't, because I am only doing it to help my family and so I have spending money that I don't have to ask my mom for. And as Kathy said, my boyfriend DID have a summer job, but quit once school started up again. He's a smart guy and wants to go into the medical field, which is fantastic and he has my full support.

[visualbasicide]

Then support him and respectfully decline your mothers advice on your own relationship. Long as you are happy and know what will and wont work for you then the rest really doesn't matter.

 

And for the love of god don't talk to your mother about things you do not like about him, talk to someone objective because they will only hear the negative and repeat it back to you like a parrot with a matra, very unhealthy in the long run. Hope you guys do well together.

[KathyM]

Thanks you guys. Pretty insightful stuff. One other thing that bothers me, and maybe it doesn't have any relevance, but I think it's hypocritical of her to judge my relationship. My mom's been married 3 times and her last relationship was an on-and-off thing where she was emotionally and physically abused. No matter how many times I tried to get her to end it, she wouldn't listen to me. Thankfully it's done, but NOW, she's in a fwb relationship. Personally, I don't think she's setting a good example for me OR my younger sisters. And I can't stand that she's criticizing my relationship, which to me, is working out completely fine.

 

It doesn't bother me that I have a job and he doesn't, because I am only doing it to help my family and so I have spending money that I don't have to ask my mom for. And as Kathy said, my boyfriend DID have a summer job, but quit once school started up again. He's a smart guy and wants to go into the medical field, which is fantastic and he has my full support.

Good for him. He sounds like a winner to me. Most mothers would be thrilled to death if her daughter was dating someone interested in going into the medical field. Sounds like a good ambition. Just stress to your mother that he has high ambitions and goals in life, and has a good career plan. He has to focus on his grades right now, and a part time job during the school year would jeopardize his future career. Let her know that he is a very smart guy, and does well in school, and will be a good provider to someone someday. That may get her to recognize his value and priorities.

[meanie_monday]

And for the love of god don't talk to your mother about things you do not like about him, talk to someone objective because they will only hear the negative and repeat it back to you like a parrot with a matra, very unhealthy in the long run.

 

I wish I HADN'T done that. I mentioned a few things that irked me about him and now whenever she starts ranting about him, she throws in those things I said to her.

 

We used to have a really close relationship, but I think it's sad that it's gone downhill

 

I suppose I'll just have to keep my relationship totally private from her or else she'll continue to try to ruin it for me. Thanks a lot Visual for the advice, and the same goes to Kathy

[nittygritty]

Who pays for the majority of dates? You or him?

[visualbasicide]

Who pays for the majority of dates? You or him?

 

Because its really about money instead of quality time with someone you genuinely care about? Unless you equate money with quality time, which reminds me of someone I know but can't quite remember who.

[nittygritty]

Because its really about money instead of quality time with someone you genuinely care about? Unless you equate money with quality time, which reminds me of someone I know but can't quite remember who.

 

Spoken like a true mooch!

 

Are you the jobless boyfriend?

[visualbasicide]

Lol I have found myself without unemployment before and it having the painfully obvious brought up time and again is anything but constructive.

[nittygritty]

Lol I have found myself without unemployment before and it having the painfully obvious brought up time and again is anything but constructive.

 

Well, it's a good thing that this thread isn't about you.

[visualbasicide]

Well, it's a good thing that this thread isn't about you.

 

Hah, no doubt, I could viciously demoralize myself if I were so inclined, I don't need any help from alternative sources

[meanie_monday]

Take it easy guys. We pay equally on dates. He pays half the time, I pay half the time. I'd say it's pretty fair. My mom on the other hand believes a guy should ALWAYS pay, which I don't think is fair... >_>

[michel2tiffin]

Hi,

Thanks for sharing this information. I think you’re exactly right about this subject.

 

Well this is a hard one because you gotta think bout this

Firstly- She's your mother, She always will be your mother, your only mother, till the day you die! Maybe she would have done something bad to you when you were little thats why you cant trust her, about that issue, Forgive but dont forget. Forgive her but dont forget what she did, keep in mind people change. lalala

 

Secondly-Your a teen, Boyfriends come and go even if you think your serious with him, things can change within seconds,minutes whatever, with me its family before anything else. If you were a bit older I'd say okay you truly love him, this is your relationship, not yours moms, so stay with him if you love him. but idont know..

 

maybe your mom doesnt like him cause his poor or something? Ask yourself a question

Do you love him? ...

Do you think you could do better or are you happy where you are now?

Edited June 10, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Cristian Luca]

Your mom is envious on your love life. It has nothing to do with him at the core of things. She just hates to see you happy. She probably thinks that men are bad and that's why she has that attitude towards him. Single moms most always develop hatred towards men of some sort, most of it unconscious. Keep that in mind.

 

Your mom will always sabotage you and your future lovers. Even if he gets a job he will still won't be enough for her. She will have other reasons to complain. She will try to break your relationship by telling that he is not enough for you.

 

Your mother doesn't want you to be happy, she wants her to be happy and that means make you miserable, like she was when she raised her kids by her own. She didn't had her real share of love and she prevents you from getting one.

 

Watch out! If you let her do this more she will terrorize you. It's a very difficult situation that you are in. Only you know what's the best approach, nonetheless she should stop trying to control who you are seeing, provided the fact that he is not doing any harm to you or he is not a bad influence to you.