Need Advice

[Crystal]

I've been dating a fella for about six weeks, we've engaged in some heavy petting sessions recently. I got a phone call from my boyfriends friend (male) informing me that my boyfriend has been telling him itimate details about our relationship. This friend said that my boyfriend has always gotten what he wants from his female friends and it's time he was put in his place .... he advised me to break-up with my boyfriend.

 

I was very hurt, felt betrayed and angry, when I saw my boyfriend the next night I did break up with him. I told him I didn't think we should see each other anymore because I was afraid of getting hurt and left it at that. He seemed quite surprised and we parted.

 

Sorry for this being so long.....I miss him terribly, did I overreact? Should I have asked him why he was telling his friend about our petting sessions?

[Julia]

This sounds quite interesting.

 

To tell you the truth, its normal for men to talk about their relationships, as it is about women talking to other women about theirs.

 

I do believe that this guy was trying to break it up..if i was u, i would ring your boyfriend and tell him u made a mistake!

 

Then I would make him wait 6 more weeks and then give him the most passionate love........

 

Dont believe what his friend says!

 

Go for it!

[Tony T]

The guy that told you about this alleged betrayal of privacy was NO FRIEND OF YOURS OR YOUR BOYFRIENDS. Your first order of business is to terminate that friendship for all time. It is NOT the place of a friend to stir up crap between two friends and he may very well have been lying or seriously exaggerating.

 

Now, if your boyfriend had been cheating on you, that may possibly have been another story, but you still should have given your boyfriend his day in court.

 

I am a man and I have very serious doubts that your boyfriend did anything wrong whatsoever. Furthermore, as Julia pointed out, men do talk about things sometimes BUT NOT NEARLY AS MUCH AS WOMEN DO BETWEEN THEIR GIRLFRIENDS.

 

I think both this guy that gave you this information and YOU were way WAY too harsh on your boyfriend.

 

To summarily dismiss a relationship because some low class busybody without cause or provocation came to you with some pretty harmless information for the absolute and certain reason of breaking up his two "friends'" relationship is extremely poor judgement and certainly deserves review.

 

Let me tell you right here, right now, AS LONG AS YOU LIVE ON THIS PLANET, there will be slimebags like this greasy "friend" of yours that will try to destroy your relationships...and those of others as well.

 

In my opinion, the proper way to respond to a situation like that, in my opinion, is not with a knee-jerk, impulsive decision to end the relationship based on some scum betraying his good "friend." You should have sat with your guy, questioned him, and if in fact he had been discussing the relationship, you should have told him that was unacceptable to you, embarassing, humiliating and intolerable. I think an infraction like that, which occurs every second of every minute around the world, deserves a second chance. There are girls who forgive their boyfriends for cheating on them...something in my opinion is far more severe.

 

You never said your boyfriend admitted to this. You never said if you discussed this with him and considered all the facts before breaking up with him.

 

I also don't understand why you would be afraid of getting hurt because your boyfriend was so excited and proud of being with you that he "allegedly" described your petting sessions. I can tell you with all certainty that I have dated more than one girl who has described our SEX TO HER GIRLFRIENDS. Do you know what it's like to go to a party and have ten girls staring at your crotch and just wondering what they are thinking??? But when I found out, I simply told them to cease these discussions and they did. One of them, Laurie B., actually got pissed because I would try to take that "RIGHT" away from her This is normal and routine among females AND YOU KNOW IT UNLESS YOU HAVE BEEN WEARING COTTIN IN YOUR EARS!!!

 

IN YOUR POST, YOU ASK: "Should I have asked him why he was telling his friend about our petting sessions?"

 

So you broke up with this guy without even giving him due process. You said goodbye without even asking him the details about this and why? You did not give him a chance to give his side? You gave his "friend" more courtesy in believing this crap than you gave your own boyfriend???

 

You were actually willing to END the relationship on the word of a no good, rotten, friend-betraying, sleezebucket, scumbag and hurt your boyfriend....so YOU wouldn't be hurt?

 

Well, I think you should leave this alone. Learn from it. Your ex, or any other human on the planet, does not deserve his special lady to be so impulsive as to break up with him on a whim at the word of some slime without having the opportunity to address the situation. Your ex, or does any other human on the planet, does not deserve his special lady in his life, from which he looks for understanding, forgiveness, kindness, loyalty, respect and consideration, to take the word of crapstirrers and low-class vermin over his. Again, there will always be slime in this world. If we cannot look to those special people in our lives to look beyond those who would cause unrest among us, we are better off alone.

 

I think your ex deserves someone who will be loyal to him, respectful of his side of a story, considerate enough to hear him out, and someone with enough reason to determine what is a terminating offence and what is not. I also think your ex deserves someone who will give him a second chance in situations where he was just being a male...and doing the identical thing that most females do (and you know it)...given a second chance to keep his mouth shut IF IN FACT HE WAS TALKING AT ALL.

 

I think your ex deserves to be imprisoned for having such a lowlife, ameoba-brained, worthless friend who would betray what may have been said between them during purely harmless guy talk where you were not demeaned or insulted but spoken proudly of.

 

It is my opinion that both you and your ex need to do a better job of picking "friends" and your boyfriend needs to find a lady who is far more understanding and respectful and who would not send him to the electric chair before a fair and impartial trial.

 

I am sorry to keep rambling on but your boyfriend has been done a serious and grave injustice and I feel for him. If he actually takes you back, he is a far better man than you are a woman right now and you should be proud of his forgiving nature.

 

What you did to him was a thousand times worse than him talking about your "petting" which could not possibly vary that much from the petting of millions of people around the earth last night!!!

 

And what motivated this guy to give you this really stupid information that was threatening the very foundation of your being...is he possibly interested in you? A guy who is willing to bust up his two friends' relationship has got to have more motivation than making conversation to talk about private conversations OR IS HE JUST MENTALLY CHALLENGED, which is politically correct for severely retarded???

 

I'm really sorry to have gotten caught up in this. I love you and forgive you but God, I am sssssooooooooooo happy I don't date you. I do pray that in time you will be more understanding. I have to count this as a growing thing for you. I am on my knees in front of my computer screen praying that you will acquire more compassion for your fellow man and for those close to you and more of a forgiving spirit. And especially the ability to seek facts before you condemn.

 

My prayer is that this will make you a better, more understanding, less impulsive, more inquiring person. God, I hope so!!!!

 

Now, I think I am getting sick.

[Tony T]

You write: "This friend said that my boyfriend has always gotten what he wants from his female friends and it's time he was put in his place .... he advised me to break-up with my boyfriend."

 

What any guy you date has done in the past is immaterial, as long as he doesn't have a well-known reputation for being a criminal.

 

It is up to YOU, in every case, to be aware of your boyfriend's treatment of you, not anyone in his past, and to be in control of that. If his conduct towards you is not tolerable, then it is up to you to break it off.

 

Every guy everywhere in the world has things in his past...some proud, some not. But almost every guy is looking for that special lady who will stand up to him, demand respect, and make him behave himself.

 

No matter who you ever date until you die, you can be sure that most of them have some playing in their past.

 

I think worse than any guy who may possibly be a player is a girl who would write a guy off because his friend called her and said it was time to put him in his place and break up with him. Who the hell is he to run your life and tell you what to do?

 

Sorry, I've got to go see a doctor now. I am really sick!!!

[Jenna]

In regards to the statement "This friend said that my boyfriend has always gotten what he wants from

 

his female friends and it's time he was put in

 

his place .... he advised me to break-up with

 

my boyfriend."

 

Sounds like the friend is jealous- it's as simple as that. He may have (for years) watched his friend dating-obviously having success at it- while poor "Mr. I Never Get Any"- stood by being too much of a coward to pursue his own happiness. Making other people's lives miserable may be his way of making himself feel less pathetic. Tony is absolutely right about this person not being anyone's friend- not even his own.

 

As for your swift discard of the relationship- especially without even a word as to the true reason why- you are also showing cowardly traits. Now, I am not judging you- please don't take me wrong- but you are the one who asked for advice. You have MUCH to work on in the communication department- MUCH MUCH MUCH. The best starting point for you is this- "THE GOLDEN RULE." The social skill that we were all taught in kindergarten- and then reminded of thoughout our lives. Why don't you try this technique- if you are wondering what you "should" have done...... think about what you would have wanted "him" to do- had he been in your same situation. If one of your so called friends had been loose lipped about something you had confided - and then went on to suggest that your boyfriend break-up with you.

 

Sometimes when we look at things from someone else's perspective- we can better understand the whole picture.

 

I don't think you are a bad person- obviously you had some indication that what you did was wrong- or you wouldn't have asked for advice. Your gut or mind or heart or all of them were telling you that you were too hasty in your decision. They were right- so learn from it- and be glad that you have this knowledge to carry into another relationship- mistakes are only bad when you repeat them.

 

Good luck. Jenna

You write: "This friend said that my boyfriend has always gotten what he wants from his female friends and it's time he was put in his place .... he advised me to break-up with my boyfriend." What any guy you date has done in the past is immaterial, as long as he doesn't have a well-known reputation for being a criminal. It is up to YOU, in every case, to be aware of your boyfriend's treatment of you, not anyone in his past, and to be in control of that. If his conduct towards you is not tolerable, then it is up to you to break it off. Every guy everywhere in the world has things in his past...some proud, some not. But almost every guy is looking for that special lady who will stand up to him, demand respect, and make him behave himself. No matter who you ever date until you die, you can be sure that most of them have some playing in their past. I think worse than any guy who may possibly be a player is a girl who would write a guy off because his friend called her and said it was time to put him in his place and break up with him. Who the hell is he to run your life and tell you what to do? Sorry, I've got to go see a doctor now. I am really sick!!!

[Nina]

In middle school I first learned that you must confirm your gossip before acting on it. This was re-emphasized in high school (a LOT) and college, and in my casual and intense relationships.

 

Any good reporter knows to confirm his story. You should have, too. In breaking up, you sould have told him why and should have been up-front about it. The friend could have been lying because he dislikes you or dislikes the idea of his friend in a relationship (single misery loves company).

[Crystal]

Thank you all for your responses.

 

Tony .... sorry I made you sick!

 

You managed to make me feel even worse than I already do!

 

You made your point the first time!

 

Having been sexual abused as a young girl, I have a lot of hang-ups. He was the first male I had "allowed" to get sexually involved with.

 

I realize that my knee-jerk reaction to this was most unfair to my boyfriend and it is my loss. I have learned a very hard lesson. My ex-boyfriend is dating someone else now. He showed up at my brother's wedding with a date and another male friend.

 

The male friend that phoned me was happily involved in a relationship.So jealousy is not a motive.

 

I do believe that if he really cared for me he would have "not let go so easily".

 

Any comments?

[Tony T]

I do feel a lot better this morning, thanks. Didn't mean to make you feel bad but this really zonked me out.

 

You said nothing in your post above about going back to your ex, apologizing for your haste, and attempting to make amends.

 

That's your decision. Maybe you omitted that information or maybe your pride stands in the way...or maybe you just don't want to.

 

As for him letting you go so easily, he was probably in a state of shock. Please don't judge him for finding another girlfriend so quickly. He may be using that to handle the pain, although I don't know how close you can get emtoionall in five or six weeks.

 

But, PLEASE, write the friend off who gave you this information. He is worthless and cannot be trusted in any case. He probably fixed your ex up with his new girl. However, you should encourage him to work in the news field because he seems to keep people extremely well informed. Maybe the National Enquirer would be a good place for him to work.

 

I am also very sorry to learn of the sexual abuse. These kinds of details are often left out of posts. I too was abused as a child, emotionally. I know what that's all about. But I have learned that the world is pretty indifferent to my wounds and I must carry on sanely to get along effectively. After years of therapy, an intensive study of psychology, and dozens of personal experiences, I have learned not to blame my past for my behavior now. Whether I like it or not, the adult me has to take full responsiblity for it.

 

It took me a very long time to get over the anger and wounds left from my childhood.

 

Be kind and patient to yourself. You will be fine. It actually sounds like you are ahead of where I was at your age.

[Jenna]

Crystal-

 

Even though the friend that let the cat out of the bag-was involved with someone else- that doesn't mean that he didn't have a hidden agenda. All we were trying to say is that real friends don't repeat secrets- and don't blab about things that could potentially hurt the other person- unless of course the subject is of major importance to the safety or welfare of the recipient (and this was not). Just be very careful about how much you take to heart from this person if you intend to continue the friendship.

 

I too am sorry about your past experiences involving sexual abuse- I used to think that I was alone and an isolated case- but as I have gotten older- I see that this is all too common. It does cause us to build walls-but we must not let it control our lives. Take back control of your own actions- control of your own feelings- as you do this you will experience a power that will light the way to happiness and security. Even if you have to stand in front of the mirror and say out loud, " I am in control of my own life- I will not let past abuse keep me from happiness"

 

True- this may sound corny- but to hear your self verbalize it- you might just begin to believe.

 

Good Luck- Jenna

Thank you all for your responses. Tony .... sorry I made you sick! You managed to make me feel even worse than I already do! You made your point the first time! Having been sexual abused as a young girl, I have a lot of hang-ups. He was the first male I had "allowed" to get sexually involved with. I realize that my knee-jerk reaction to this was most unfair to my boyfriend and it is my loss. I have learned a very hard lesson. My ex-boyfriend is dating someone else now. He showed up at my brother's wedding with a date and another male friend. The male friend that phoned me was happily involved in a relationship.So jealousy is not a motive. I do believe that if he really cared for me he would have "not let go so easily".

 

Any comments?