he wants contact but I'm not sure

[colliefleur]

I was with a man for 7 years, helped him raise his son in my home from the age of 7 to 14. Having the boy in my house became more and more difficult, always feeling like there was covert hostility being directed at me as well as the direct lying, manipulating etc. The boy's mother is severely disabled so was never able to care for her son herself. Unfortunately she found it necessary to encourage the boy to speak negatively about me, "getting off" on it, the boy has told me.

 

Well, they moved out of my house just before Christmas so we could have a less stressful relationship, this was going to be the saving of the relationship. In February, we had an argument about of all things, the concept of marriage, and he walked. We were still getting used to the new living arrangements, it had all been difficult for both of us, the boy was okay because he basically wanted his father to himself so he got what he wanted. We did have some arguments, my ex has difficulty with any sort of negative emotion other than anger, which he seems to convert all the others to. So he walked and after a couple of weeks of trying to get him to change his mind, I decided to stop contact and move on.

 

I have worked really hard on myself, have found my spiritual self again, have been getting settled in myself and my own life, content almost with what is.

 

Anyway, at 4.30am last Monday he phoned me, which is a totally uncharacteristic thing for him to do as he is so controlled. He would control himself to the point of losing everything rather than appear weak. So this phone call was a bolt out of the blue. He said he had been wondering how I was and wanted to come over for coffee. He came over for coffee on Tues morning, I told him I wasn't going to be used as a resource for him to dip in and out of my life. I wondered if his discovery that his son is gay was the driving force to seek my comfort and advice. He said not but I questioned and still do that it was to see how I was going, unless that was triggered by guilt. I said it's dating at the least or nothing.

 

He came back that night and said it was all a big mistake, his emotions had been stirred up again, he was feeling anxious about the whole thing and I was trying to "box him in", so he decided to run out the door. However, he did stay and we ended up having sex, more for him than me because he has become depressed, feeling inadequate, stressed, etc. As he was leaving my bedroom he said he had a new HOmerism "sex good, relationship bad". Great parting shot!

 

So I told him I didn't know, part of me knew I could help him get through this rough patch, part of me wanted him back and part of me wanted to run like crazy. He said he'd ring me on Friday (yesterday) which he did. In the meantime I put a book and relaxation CD in his post office mail box as well as emailing him the phone number of a men's counselling line. I said if he helped himself I'd stay in contact. He said he wants contact, doesn't know why, can't offer me anything other than an ear and shoulder which I don't need as I have lots of friends. he has no one to talk to about all of this, hence the men's line.

 

My whole week was disrupted, I feel like I have a relapse in my healing, nothing I can't handle but I've told him to meditate and ask for guidance and c ome back to me on Friday and tell me why he wants contact. I'm not sure I want to be this man's friend after 7 years of being his lover.

 

Input would be appreciated.

[overseas2004]

He had the nerve to have sex with you and then say sex good relationship bad. And he just wants contact huh? no relationship??? And of course that contact includes sex.

 

Well sure the guy is going to try to get the milk without buying the cow. Guys will do whatever they think they can get away with. And if you let him behave like this then you are going to just buy into it and you will be used.

 

Forget about him for now. He has a lot of issues that he wasn't man enough to handle between his son and you while you lived together. I suggest you move on and do not even let him back into your life unless he is ready to talk marriage and commitment.

 

Otherwise you are just wasting your time. Allowing him to get his way. And really doing a total diservice to yourself.

 

Good luck.

[colliefleur]

I appreciate your advice - part of me just wants to run. However, his idea of contact in the future doesn't include sex - it probably would have but he knows the deal there with me.

 

I probably will run but I'm still torn, and I have to be careful it's not just my need and the slim hope he will change his mind. I think I'll probably say come back to me if and when you have something worthwhile to offer. Right now he hasn't.

[bluechocolate]

It sounds to me like you know the answer.

 

Giving him the men's counselling line was a good idea. If he decides to come back to you then insist that the two of you attend relationship counselling as well.

 

Why waste any more of your life waiting for a man who thinks he's being "boxed in"? After 7 years together and helping him raise his son you have a very reasonable expectation of getting married if that is what you want to do.

 

In the meanwhile I think if no contact is working for you then keep it up. You have no obligation to be a sounding board for a man who can't commit but wants to unburden.

[colliefleur]

thanks for your input - the bizarre thing about our last argument was that I wasn't exactly talking about us getting married, just marriage in general. We had run into the couple who had introduced us after not seeing them for several years. The wife, said "Are you guys married yet?"

 

More bizarre is that they brought us together and they were there for the eve of the breakup. Maybe it's gone the full circle.