mrpager Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 Alright, I'm going to be completely honest in an effort to receive completely honest (and hopefully helpful) feedback. My girlfriend and I have been living together for over 6 months now, and have been exclusively dating for over a year now. We do everything together, and things are absolutely incredible. However, there is one item that she doesn't want to fully commit on...not flirting with other men. She is very outgoing, beautiful, and funny, and we do plan to marry. She actually made the choice to leave her life on the west coast to move in with me on the east coast. I am once divorced and am wondering if I am just being overly cautious with her because I do not want to go through another divorce?? She says that she does not intentionally flirt with other men, but it makes her feel good when other men flirt with her. Says that it is just her personality to be friendly with everyone. She just took a new job in an environment that is predominantly men, and I find myself constantly wondering what she is really like when I am not around when she is constantly getting this type of attention. I truly do trust that she would not physically cheat on me, but for some reason I am finding it very difficult to trust that she is not flirtatious at work...Even when I ask her in conversation if the guys there are being nice and treating her with respect, she gets extremely defensive and confrontational. Getting mad at me for even asking...why does she try to make me feel bad for asking something so simple, something that I guarantee she would be asking me if the roles were reversed? Not sure how to proceed, but I really want to make sure she is everything that I think she is before I propose to her Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 She says that she does not intentionally flirt with other men, but it makes her feel good when other men flirt with her. This isn't really red flag behavior but it's definitely in the pink zone. I think she's just being honest - be honest yourself...if a woman was flirting with you would that give you a little ego boost? Naturally, yes, it would. If she is flirting back with them and giving them cues or hints to continue to flirt with her -that's another issue. I've had a friendly relationship with some men when I was single that I used to flirt back and forth with and since I've been with my boyfriend I've put that to a screetching halt. I wouldn't appreciate my SO doing it with other women so I can't do the same. If a guy drops me a pick up line- of course I'm flattered - but I don't add any fuel to the fire. I stop it then and there by being polite about my dating situation or changing the subject. It's only an issue if she's welcoming this kind of attention and also seeking it out. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 There's a difference between flirting for fun, and flirting with intent. You have to know which your gf is doing. She's telling you it's just fun, but you don't believe her. Which tells me that you have some insecurities about your relationship with her. Deal with your relationship with her directly (not indirectly via questions about her flirting): do you feel you are good enough for her (since she's so awesome)? do you believe SHE thinks you're good enough for her? does she confirm and reassure you of how much she loves you? she moved for you...don't discount that. As to why she got mad about what you consider a "simple" question...it wasn't a simple question. It was a loaded question, phrased in a seemingly innocuous and caring way, but....she knows you are sensitive about her being surrounded by men at her job, she knows you are sensitive about her perceived or imagined flirting, and she doesn't want to get into a no-win discussion with you that will just make both of you feel bad. She was worried it would turn into an argument. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 Alright, I'm going to be completely honest in an effort to receive completely honest (and hopefully helpful) feedback. My girlfriend and I have been living together for over 6 months now, and have been exclusively dating for over a year now. We do everything together, and things are absolutely incredible. However, there is one item that she doesn't want to fully commit on...not flirting with other men. She is very outgoing, beautiful, and funny, and we do plan to marry. She actually made the choice to leave her life on the west coast to move in with me on the east coast. I am once divorced and am wondering if I am just being overly cautious with her because I do not want to go through another divorce?? She says that she does not intentionally flirt with other men, but it makes her feel good when other men flirt with her. Says that it is just her personality to be friendly with everyone. She just took a new job in an environment that is predominantly men, and I find myself constantly wondering what she is really like when I am not around when she is constantly getting this type of attention. I truly do trust that she would not physically cheat on me, but for some reason I am finding it very difficult to trust that she is not flirtatious at work...Even when I ask her in conversation if the guys there are being nice and treating her with respect, she gets extremely defensive and confrontational. Getting mad at me for even asking...why does she try to make me feel bad for asking something so simple, something that I guarantee she would be asking me if the roles were reversed? Not sure how to proceed, but I really want to make sure she is everything that I think she is before I propose to her To be honest, I would hold off on that proposal if I were you. It sounds like she needs to feel desirable to all men, and needs her ego fed in that way. While all women like to feel desirable to men, women who flirt to get attention from other men, or crave a lot of attention from other men when they are in a relationship with someone already are not good candidates for marriage. At this point, she should only care about attracting you, not these other men. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 There's a difference between flirting for fun, and flirting with intent. You have to know which your gf is doing. She's telling you it's just fun, but you don't believe her. Which tells me that you have some insecurities about your relationship with her. Deal with your relationship with her directly (not indirectly via questions about her flirting): do you feel you are good enough for her (since she's so awesome)? do you believe SHE thinks you're good enough for her? does she confirm and reassure you of how much she loves you? she moved for you...don't discount that. As to why she got mad about what you consider a "simple" question...it wasn't a simple question. It was a loaded question, phrased in a seemingly innocuous and caring way, but....she knows you are sensitive about her being surrounded by men at her job, she knows you are sensitive about her perceived or imagined flirting, and she doesn't want to get into a no-win discussion with you that will just make both of you feel bad. She was worried it would turn into an argument. What an obscure and twisted way to turn this on him for being "sensitive". This chick needs to respect his concerns and acknowledge it and not FOO FOO it like its NO BIG DEAL. It IS what it is, FLIRTING while in a commited relations. That isnt a red flag its a cannon ball warning shot.! Kind banter amongst collegues is one thing, but when it hits the FLIRTING level in public arenas with other men then yeah...its an issue. I would definitely address this in a serious manner, non confronting yet straight on for what it is. If a guy did this and constantly flirts in front or behind his mates back he would be called a "dog" or far worse things....yet since its the female...its okay? A Lady doesnt need to flirt to gain attention..... A relationship is said to be out of balance when one person considers the other a priority (shows consideration) and the other person considers them...an "option". Link to post Share on other sites
MoreRedemption Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 To me it is definitely a big RED flag. You are uncomfortable with her fliting. If you do get married and the flirting gets too much for you, she will tell you that "you knew this when you married her and accepted it". Flirting when it makes a partner uncomfortable is direspectful and selfish! Link to post Share on other sites
NXS Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 What an obscure and twisted way to turn this on him for being "sensitive". This chick needs to respect his concerns and acknowledge it and not FOO FOO it like its NO BIG DEAL. It IS what it is, FLIRTING while in a commited relations. That isnt a red flag its a cannon ball warning shot.! Kind banter amongst collegues is one thing, but when it hits the FLIRTING level in public arenas with other men then yeah...its an issue. I would definitely address this in a serious manner, non confronting yet straight on for what it is. If a guy did this and constantly flirts in front or behind his mates back he would be called a "dog" or far worse things....yet since its the female...its okay? A Lady doesnt need to flirt to gain attention..... A relationship is said to be out of balance when one person considers the other a priority (shows consideration) and the other person considers them...an "option". Here's your answer, from one of the best posters here. You are dealing with a child who wants constant attention. Link to post Share on other sites
mixed_signals Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 (edited) "I am once divorced and am wondering if I am just being overly cautious with her because I do not want to go through another divorce??" ***Do NOT do it!!!*** IF she is NOT ready to embrace YOU as the one to fufill all of her heart's desire then she is definately NOT ready for a marriage let alone a "commited/exclusive" relationship. Save yourself some heartache; do NOT settle for her. (There is someone out there that whom you'll be the apple of their eye and they will NOT look in any other direction for acceptance accept yours!) Or another option would be to just let some time pass... either she will develop some self-esteem and grow-up or remain her attention needing self. If the latter of those two are what she choses then move on!!!! Edited September 30, 2011 by mixed_signals Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 Not sure how to proceed, but I really want to make sure she is everything that I think she is before I propose to her Do NOT marry her. Once you tell her that you wont marry her until she stops flirting with other guys, she will tell you if she will stay with you. I also advise that you dont stay with her, because of what other posters have stated, she needs attention and validation from other men constantly. She probably gets some kind of high from the attention, and it will never stop. If she doesnt get that high from you, then youre in trouble, and I'm pretty sure she doesnt. This is the type of situation where she will cheat on you down the line because when honeymoon period ends. Hopefully you arent a long term rebound, because it hints towards her not being as into you as you are her. Do you know if she just came out of another relationship when you started dating? Did she talk about her ex? Does she tell you how hot or handsome you are? Does she talk about things she likes about you, or just how you make her feel? Theres a big difference. Link to post Share on other sites
wheream_i Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 To be honest, I would hold off on that proposal if I were you. It sounds like she needs to feel desirable to all men, and needs her ego fed in that way. While all women like to feel desirable to men, women who flirt to get attention from other men, or crave a lot of attention from other men when they are in a relationship with someone already are not good candidates for marriage. At this point, she should only care about attracting you, not these other men. Fully agree. I wouldn't tolerate it. Link to post Share on other sites
omiquivitwoli Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 PENALTIES new traffic police. Will come very soon .... http://filtr.wintersunholidays.ru/ ñàæåâûé ôèëüòð audi Link to post Share on other sites
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