Boundaries

[linwood]

I`m noticing a bit of a trend on the infidelity boards.

It`s making me wonder if couples ever set or discuss relationship boundaries anymore.

 

There are posters who stay out all night again and again while their spouses seem to think nothing of it.

 

There are posters running off to Vegas for bachelor parties with strippers and their SO is asking if they`re controlling because they don`t want them to go.

 

There are couples regularly taking separate vacations like it`s nothing.

 

There are posters who allow their SO to go clubbing with the opposite sex alone.

 

Now I understand everyone has a different lifestyle and there are exceptions to every rule but these aren`t things I would ever allow.

Before you start calling me controlling I`ll never have to have an argument about it because my wife would never even entertain the thought that these things would be allowed by either of us

 

If my wife were to come home with the sunrise claiming she had to much to drink at so & so`s house so she crashed there I`d ****ing snap and she knows it.

 

If I even stated to my wife that I was going to take a weekend in Vegas "With the boys" she`d **** her self laughing at my naivety before she cooly laid down the law.

 

It just seems to me that many of these couples never had any boundaries regarding this stuff and that if they did they would`t be in the trouble they find themselves in now.

 

Thoughts?

[Spark1111]

I agree...and I learned it first hand at the school of hard knocks.

 

I so trusted my husband and the strength and quality of our relationship, that I was the only wife not bothered by bachelor parties at strip clubs, weekend golf outings with the boys, etc.

 

Then he cheated on me with a co-worker after a very rough patch in his life, and the devastation opened our eyes to what we had been taking for granted: our marriage.

 

It seems I naturally have excellent boundaries. He, unfortunately did not. He had always liked, needed, ego-stroking and validation from others whether they be friend, family, boss or co-worker.

 

That's okay. Some people do, but they do not risk their marriage for it.

 

Today we both adhere to boundaries, not at my insistence but rather his. We want to protect and cherish what we have been fortunate to regain: us!

 

Controlling? Selfish? I think that is ludicrous. It's not my needs, your needs, it is our needs.

 

If one spouse or the other is uncomfortable with a situation, the other needs to respect that feeling, IMO.

[sally4sara]

There is nothing controlling about one person having a certain set of boundaries and being in a relationship with someone who has the same set of boundaries. Its not even really controlling is one is ambivalent about the others boundary about something as long as it agrees with them to abide by it to maintain the relationship. That isn't controlling each other; that is compatibility.

 

But when two people who really are not compatible meet and one of them tries to keep the relationship going by enforcing boundaries that make the other unhappy it becomes a controlling situation. No relationship standard is going to work or be desirable to every couple. I think some people just assume they can twist the person they are with into a person they are compatible with rather than put in the time and effort to find someone better suited to them.

[UnsureinSeattle]

I'll say this much- allowing something that you're unsure or scared about to happen because you don't want to be preceived as controlling is bad.

 

Trust me... I know from experience.

 

Clear boundaries, communication, and perhaps a discussion about reasonable expectations, on the other hand, are good.

[Osiris1234]

Its cause alot of people are very naive today and never think anything of it thinking that their wife/girlfriend would never cheat when in reality it can and probably does happen, they are just to naive to see it.

[Saul Goodman]

I agree lin.

 

But trust, naivety, and denial. Man, do they go together.

 

When things get serious, you both lay down the boundaries. No ambiguity when it comes to this stuff.

[Afishwithabike]

I think many people are naive when they marry. They think their marriages will survive just on love and common bonds. They don't consider how they will keep protect the marriage from external stressors. Trust and security are important in a marriage and couples need to figure out how to nurture those two qualities.

 

I know I was naive that way when I got married in my 20s. It took infidelity in the marriages of family friends and personal friends for me to realize how important good boundaries are.