Depressed and unsure - Bipolar spouse

[AppalachianGirl]

Hello everyone. I am brand new to this forum and need someone to talk to. I'm so sad today I just can't see straight.

 

I got married thirteen years ago when I was 21. At the time, we were in love, or so we thought, although we were very young. In the years since, we have had two children, I've earned a graduate degree, he has a respectable job, we have a decent home.

 

Most of our marriage has been downright horrible. Shortly after we got married, I realized how immature he was...he didn't contribute his paycheck to household bills (instead used it all for fun money), he didn't mow or help with chores, and he had a bad temper. By the time I understood this, child #1 was on the way, and I decided that time would straighten him out and mature him. It didn't.

 

We separated briefly when out child was 8 months old, but he swore he would change, we went to counseling, etc etc. Got back together, had a birth control failure right away and child #2 was born. During the pregnancy, some bad things happened. I bled through a lot of the pregnancy and was very sick. He didn't understand...he pressured me into sleeping with him constantly, to the point that I would just so I could get some rest. Sometimes, I would be crying, and he would stop briefly and say "Do you want me to stop?" but I knew that if he didn't get his way, he would be sullen and resentful, so I would say just go ahead. I know this was not rape, but it was absolutely horrible. I can't describe how horrible.

 

Years go by and this very frequently happens. He has punched holes in walls when he didn't get sex, so I would have sex with him just to keep the peace. He started drinking all the time. We never, ever kissed, hugged etc. I would say that there was a three year period where he never kissed me or said "I love you". He didn't help with anything around the house or yard, and he blew all kinds of money. Finally, after spending an entire winter thinking about killing myself, I decided I was going back to school to get a graduate degree, so that I could divorce him and support our children well. I graduated in May, but had tremedous anxiety about doing this for many reasons - our children are very attached to their dad, etc. I started seeing a therapist in May, too, because I was having uncontrollable crying jags, despite raging success in my educational and career goals. My counselor said I had to give myself permission to divorce and get on with my life. I spend all summer working on that, and meanwhile, my husband's behavior escalated all summer. In July, we were out with friends, and he became so obnoxious and stormed off, leaving me at the restuarant, after several of the friends were asking me about my new job. Other people were starting to ask what was wrong with him. Finally I told my mother and father in late July about the sexual stuff in July as well. They were horrified and agreed I had to get out.

 

I was honest with my husband about all of this but his main response was "And I guess you think you're perfect" whenever I tried to address the issues. So I quietly kept saving money and searching for a new place to live. Around this time, an old friend of mine came back to town and dropped by to see me. (We were always just platonic friends, hadn't seen each other in 13 years). I opened up and told him about some of the stuff I was going through (he is divorced). We started texting some, and he admitted he had extreme attraction for me. We continued to talk some, but never had any physical contact at all.

 

My husband decided at this point in time to go to a psychiatrist about his anger and drinking problems. Immediately he was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and put on medications. He also began to heavily accuse me of an affair. We had a huge blow up in which I told him that I wasn't sleeping with the guy, but probably soon would, because this guy actually made me feel that some men out there want more than sex out of a woman, and was kind to me besides. I am not excusing my behavior, by the way. I'm just trying to give an accurate portrayal of events.

 

Soon after that, my husband apologized to me for the "horrible things he has done to me" our entire marriage, also went to my parents and apologized, telling them in detail (cringe) some of the things he did to me. He said that all of his actions had been due to Bipolar, and now he has seen the light, and greatly regrets the things he has done.

 

That sounds nice, but the problem is, I just don't feel in love with him. I continued to talk to my friend and asked my husband, several times, to leave the house. He refused because he said "my thoughts were being clouded" by this other guy. Which might be true, but I am admitting it. I just feel little for my husband, other than a little sorry for him.

 

Yesterday there was a huge blowup in which he accused me of going to visit this guy because people in my husband's "social network" had seen me there. I admitted to it, and said that we had not had any physical contact, which is true. I did tell him I cared about the guy, and I did not feel that way about him anymore. At this point he became angry and went back and told my children that "Mommy was making him leave" and they began to cry. I will never forget my younger child's cry as long as I live.

 

I had to leave for work, and after I got to work, I saw that he had posted multiple things about the situation on facebook, including my friend's picture and comments to me about "Now we know what the true problem is". There was nothing I could do about but beg him to take the things down, because I am in a professional position and that could be detrimental. He also called up my friend repeatedly and threatened him, saying that he was going to be the reason I lost my children, etc etc. My friend finally told me that he thought it would be better if we had no contact, that he didn't want to be the reason I lost my children, even though we have never even kissed.

 

I am so sad. My husband keeps telling me has had changed and that he will treat me well now and show me love. He is insisting I drive his vehicle now, as I always drove the 10 year old vehicle around, because he refused for me to drive the nice one. He says all of the past abuse was due to Bipolar, and that he had no control, and that I need to give him a second chance.

 

I miss my friend a lot. He made me feel good when I talked to him, and now I just feel empty. I know that relationship was wrong, but that doesn't change how sad I feel. I am afraid to leave my husband, because of the way he manipulates me with the children and with splashing my business everywhere. He hasn't approached me for sex in three weeks, which is a minor miracle, but I fear it will not stay that way for long.

 

If you made it this far, thank you so much. What should I do?

 

Thanks for listening.

[AppalachianGirl]

Yes, I believe it is fair to say it is an emotional affair. Was. We've had no contact since he told me he thought we should stop talking for sake of my children's interests. I am not going to contact him again, although I want to very badly.

 

I wish I could just let my husband back in my heart, but I don't know how to. I have so much pain when I think about our past. I can't even look at pictures of me pregnant without crying, because what should have been such a happy time for me was a time of pain and fear. I do realize now that he was ill when he did some of those things, but it doesn't help with the anger I feel towards him. He was able to keep a high-stress job during this time, so he was obviously able to control a lot of his behavior.

 

Thanks for your thoughts and responding. It is helpful for me just to be able to get it out.

[bigmomma1974]

What you have been through is awful, and noone should have to go through that. You need to figure out what is the best thing for you to do. A divorce is never easy on anyone and is hard. I would make sure that you are absolutly positive of what you want to do before you do it. Sometimes a marraige can over come alot of things and people can re fall in love. While you are working through all of this, contact a lawyer and ask about your rights and his when it comes to your children. Most people do joint custody with the child residing with one parent for the most part.

Do not let him to continue to manipulate you into staying if it isn't what you want to do. YOu deseerve to be happy and your children need to have a nice happy home, not one with continous fighting and arguing all the time. What ever you decide I hope for the best for you. Good luck and remmeber you deserve to be treated with respect. As for your friend I think he is in the right when he said no contact. Beccause you need to focus on what you want out of life and whether or not your gona fix thise marriage or if there is even a chance that it can be fixed,

[Osiris1234]

Yeah, I agree with everyone else, do NOT contact this other guy, he is clouding your judgement, i would either go to marriage counseling with your husband if you wanna make it work or leave him.

[Afishwithabike]

I feel for you. You put up with a lot. I winced reading how he forced himself on you while you were crying. No one should have to endure that. Ever.

 

Don't be guilt tripped into staying with him. If his past abusive behavior is too much to overcome, you have a right to end the marriage.

 

Separate yourself from your friend. If you decide to divorce, and I can fully understand your decision to do so, contact him after the divorce is final.

[Kitsune77]

Hello OP,

the bi polar is caused by alcoholism, and to be rally hones, neither of these disorders are an excuse for his abusive behaviuor.

 

My God, no wonder you are depressed, and also you sound like an extremely strong woman, the way you have educated yourself.

 

I very rarely say this, as I am not part of the "dump him" brigade, but if you can do it, by all means leave him. It sounds like you dont like him, let alone love him. The other man is a symptom of your difunctional marraige.

 

Also what your husband has done with the children is highly destructive, and I feel will only get worse.

 

Good luck to you. Big hugs.

 

 

Hello everyone. I am brand new to this forum and need someone to talk to. I'm so sad today I just can't see straight.

 

I got married thirteen years ago when I was 21. At the time, we were in love, or so we thought, although we were very young. In the years since, we have had two children, I've earned a graduate degree, he has a respectable job, we have a decent home.

 

Most of our marriage has been downright horrible. Shortly after we got married, I realized how immature he was...he didn't contribute his paycheck to household bills (instead used it all for fun money), he didn't mow or help with chores, and he had a bad temper. By the time I understood this, child #1 was on the way, and I decided that time would straighten him out and mature him. It didn't.

 

We separated briefly when out child was 8 months old, but he swore he would change, we went to counseling, etc etc. Got back together, had a birth control failure right away and child #2 was born. During the pregnancy, some bad things happened. I bled through a lot of the pregnancy and was very sick. He didn't understand...he pressured me into sleeping with him constantly, to the point that I would just so I could get some rest. Sometimes, I would be crying, and he would stop briefly and say "Do you want me to stop?" but I knew that if he didn't get his way, he would be sullen and resentful, so I would say just go ahead. I know this was not rape, but it was absolutely horrible. I can't describe how horrible.

 

Years go by and this very frequently happens. He has punched holes in walls when he didn't get sex, so I would have sex with him just to keep the peace. He started drinking all the time. We never, ever kissed, hugged etc. I would say that there was a three year period where he never kissed me or said "I love you". He didn't help with anything around the house or yard, and he blew all kinds of money. Finally, after spending an entire winter thinking about killing myself, I decided I was going back to school to get a graduate degree, so that I could divorce him and support our children well. I graduated in May, but had tremedous anxiety about doing this for many reasons - our children are very attached to their dad, etc. I started seeing a therapist in May, too, because I was having uncontrollable crying jags, despite raging success in my educational and career goals. My counselor said I had to give myself permission to divorce and get on with my life. I spend all summer working on that, and meanwhile, my husband's behavior escalated all summer. In July, we were out with friends, and he became so obnoxious and stormed off, leaving me at the restuarant, after several of the friends were asking me about my new job. Other people were starting to ask what was wrong with him. Finally I told my mother and father in late July about the sexual stuff in July as well. They were horrified and agreed I had to get out.

 

I was honest with my husband about all of this but his main response was "And I guess you think you're perfect" whenever I tried to address the issues. So I quietly kept saving money and searching for a new place to live. Around this time, an old friend of mine came back to town and dropped by to see me. (We were always just platonic friends, hadn't seen each other in 13 years). I opened up and told him about some of the stuff I was going through (he is divorced). We started texting some, and he admitted he had extreme attraction for me. We continued to talk some, but never had any physical contact at all.

 

My husband decided at this point in time to go to a psychiatrist about his anger and drinking problems. Immediately he was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and put on medications. He also began to heavily accuse me of an affair. We had a huge blow up in which I told him that I wasn't sleeping with the guy, but probably soon would, because this guy actually made me feel that some men out there want more than sex out of a woman, and was kind to me besides. I am not excusing my behavior, by the way. I'm just trying to give an accurate portrayal of events.

 

Soon after that, my husband apologized to me for the "horrible things he has done to me" our entire marriage, also went to my parents and apologized, telling them in detail (cringe) some of the things he did to me. He said that all of his actions had been due to Bipolar, and now he has seen the light, and greatly regrets the things he has done.

 

That sounds nice, but the problem is, I just don't feel in love with him. I continued to talk to my friend and asked my husband, several times, to leave the house. He refused because he said "my thoughts were being clouded" by this other guy. Which might be true, but I am admitting it. I just feel little for my husband, other than a little sorry for him.

 

Yesterday there was a huge blowup in which he accused me of going to visit this guy because people in my husband's "social network" had seen me there. I admitted to it, and said that we had not had any physical contact, which is true. I did tell him I cared about the guy, and I did not feel that way about him anymore. At this point he became angry and went back and told my children that "Mommy was making him leave" and they began to cry. I will never forget my younger child's cry as long as I live.

 

I had to leave for work, and after I got to work, I saw that he had posted multiple things about the situation on facebook, including my friend's picture and comments to me about "Now we know what the true problem is". There was nothing I could do about but beg him to take the things down, because I am in a professional position and that could be detrimental. He also called up my friend repeatedly and threatened him, saying that he was going to be the reason I lost my children, etc etc. My friend finally told me that he thought it would be better if we had no contact, that he didn't want to be the reason I lost my children, even though we have never even kissed.

 

I am so sad. My husband keeps telling me has had changed and that he will treat me well now and show me love. He is insisting I drive his vehicle now, as I always drove the 10 year old vehicle around, because he refused for me to drive the nice one. He says all of the past abuse was due to Bipolar, and that he had no control, and that I need to give him a second chance.

 

I miss my friend a lot. He made me feel good when I talked to him, and now I just feel empty. I know that relationship was wrong, but that doesn't change how sad I feel. I am afraid to leave my husband, because of the way he manipulates me with the children and with splashing my business everywhere. He hasn't approached me for sex in three weeks, which is a minor miracle, but I fear it will not stay that way for long.

 

If you made it this far, thank you so much. What should I do?

 

Thanks for listening.

[Woman In Blue]

Well your husband has acted like a giant horse's ass for 13+ years and now he's 'seen the light' and blames everything in the past on being bipolar.

 

What's his excuse for STILL acting like a flaming a*sshole?

 

I don't know a SOUL whose managed to successfully have a longterm relationship with a bipolar person. Over the years, all I've seen and heard were horror stories and NONE of those couples are together anymore.

 

The sudden news that your butt-munch husband is bipolar doesn't erase all the abuse you've been subjected to for 13 years. Try to forgive him in your heart but get the HELL OUT. You're fighting a losing battle.