I stand before the GATES of HELL...they start to open..

[Coupedriver]

Some of you might know my story and some can read some postings in TRIGGERS.We had a bad break-up...angry shots back and forth...but settled some things none the less.I let her use our old address to get her daughter into a better school..( DONT critize,...my choice...over and done with...) I kept VERY LC or NC.I go to counseling,stay longer at work so I dont have to go home to an empty house,stay as busy as I can.I dont listen to the radio anymore at all.Anyway I come to an e-mail from the ex....( I cant think one ONE reason why she has written me..)....I have the feeling returning....Im shaking..stomach tightens.

I get up and walk around..slowly breathing..I walk outside..I realize I am crying....WHY..?? Why cant I stop that crying thing..I walk back inside.."Its only an e-mail.." IM COOL....I open it...She writes " I just wanted to say how thankful I am for letting me use your address to get her in a better school..THANK you so very much.So how are things going over there...???..I realize I am not breathing...I feel sick....HOW AND THE F#CK are things GOING over here..!?!?!??!!?!??!? Do you mean the day you told me.."I NEED to FIND MYSELF...I LOVE you but NOT IN love with you.." I can hear the tape player in my head playing this over and over...and I can still hear her saying." I have a new BF and have NEVER been so HAPPY..!!!!"I am back at the parking lot where it happened..I can still feel myself crying..falling down...Its a BAD movie and I cant get out of it...!!!!!!

Things are getting BAD..REALLY bad...I feel sick....I run to the bathroom....I keep getting sick..over..and over ..and over...All of these feelings are rushing in....I cant stop them...I feel like she is poking me with a stick..to see if I am still alive...I can feel like the Gates Of Hell have opened and I have stepped inside and will never get out....I am crying so hard but have no food left inside me to throw up...I want to kneel and ask GOD to take this pain away..PLEASE let me die...death would be a pleasure..

I feel SO ashamed at what and who I have become...and at my age..it baffles me.I was so strong...funny..life of the party..hard worker..bought her what ever she wanted.Now I am shell of a grown man..I feel numb.How can one person, just one, take everything you have grown up to be...take the VERY fiber that makes YOU who your are and strip it down to PURE ..NOTHING...watch you become something they have never seen and act so GOD DAMN cold....and then ask.."How are things.."??!?!???!?!??????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!

I feel anger.....BAD anger...I really cant think...I want to write a letter to her..."What and the F^CK do you want from me..? You walked out..YOU left..needed to FIND yourself...( with the new BF in the wings..)..Does he know your contacting me....??!? I BET not....!!!!..Trying to be my friend because YOU need something..?? G.I.G.S not working..??!??! Not a letter now...its changing....I want to SCREAM this at her FACE to FACE...The anger is really bad...I head to my truck..I feel.....so alone......

Edited September 8, 2011 by Coupedriver

[Dust]

You’re not a lone it just feels that way some times. Think about how you can help others and that will help you. Like when I’m sad and lonely I try to fake it till I make it. Some people like to help so if you know some one like that tell them how you feel. You can never be who you were but you can become something else, something better. Pain sharpens you and makes it possible to feel joy. Let pain sharpen you then feel joy like you never have before instead of just focusing on the pain.

[visualbasicide]

Wow, I'm having flashbacks just reading this. Man, really all you can do is follow NC or reply with a mail bomb, I don't REALLY think the latter will solve anything though so I am glad you posted here. Unless of course you are taking a drive to make a scene.

 

My ex doesn't have the gall to face me, well, not after she admitted the truth anyway. I think the best thing would be to keep practicing everything you have been doing. Maybe tell her that you don't want to be friends and you don't need to chit chat with her so she can hopefully absolve some of her guilt in the event that things are ok with you. it isn't fair to you and who cares about fair to her.

 

Then again if you reply with anything it will probably open up a line of communication that you don't really want anyway so NC should still be the golden rule, don't even deign to give her a response.

 

I am sorry you are hurting so much, I imagine if I got some communication myself it would do the exact same thing to me. Just post here and let it all out man. If no one else reads it, I sure will so be sure someone out here hears you, understands and is listening. Hope you can push on ahead buddy. I'm rooting for you.

[gbadboy]

The minute you decided to read that email, everything started to change for you and you went down a downward spiral.

 

What I'd do is reply with a note saying you Love her with all your heart and because of that you cannot be her friend. You want her as your girlfriend/life partner - nothing more - so please don't contact me if you don't want anything less than that.

 

Be nice about it but firm and let her feel bad.

 

 

Keep it short and simple and I'd close by saying, "no need to reply to this email, just simply absorb what I've said". (that way you dont sit by your laptop waiting for a reply - but you'll still know she at least absorbed your note).

 

Allow her to miss you by removing yourself completely and one day when she's at a low point, she'll remember all the good things you did for her and she'll come back, or at least contact you. In the meantime you move ahead and know that each day that passes is a potential day where she could be reaching a low point and hence have u in her mind and will break and want to come back to you.

[sleepykitten]

No dont e mail her and tell her you love her!!!!!!

[Coupedriver]

More...more more

Edited September 9, 2011 by Coupedriver

[visualbasicide]

Might want to consult a doctor on sleeping. I remember what it was like not to be able to. I'm thinking a book or some meditation, or both. Glass of warm milk or decaf tea before bed might also help with relaxation. I have wrestled with this myself without any help and it just took time before I could sleep well so as I said, might talk to a doctor about it.

[ConfusedT]

dont email her coupe! be strong, like me!!!

 

& sleeping will come with time i know the feeling. i was having hell sleeping alone without lying next to him, but as with all feelings, it slowly fades away.

 

we need to find our own identity again by letting go of the people we thought we were and becoming the stronger people we need to be!

[Coupedriver]

I take forever to think of what I want to write back....I write 21 different letters...none make any sense.Ramblings mostly,none of them seem to make my point.I feel terrible.....I can see the dark cloud coming for me.I HATE this sh*t.I HATE being home alone..HELL I HATE even coming home.I need to move,this house creeps me out.Too many reminders.I helped raise her daughter here.I finally write back...( remember that word..HOPE.?..I trick myself into thinking she wants me back..) this is why she is writing..!!! I play mind games with myself for about 1 week.

"Hey,things are REALLY good here.Work has picked up and the car is slowly getting put back together."I FEEL GOOD man....!!..( mind trick..).I know I feel like sh*t..my heart is totally gone.

She writes back...."Can I pretty please have the....the rest I dont remember..The HELL fire is just too much.I can honestly say I feel myself going to the edge...Now I think about dying even more..this is bad.I call a few hotlines to try and get help...words seems....useless.They go in but dont sink in...I ask myself.." How does one person make such a difference in someone elses life that makes you feel like this.? Am I taking this TOO seriously...? I see where people says it takes YEARS to heal.I cant do years..

I cant see this going on much longer....I am SO sorry for dragging so many people into my HELL,I feel bad for being so weak.I want to be strong...

[Thieves]

Coupe, I am so sorry that you're going through this. I truly am. You don't know how badly I wish I could just reach through the screen and give you a damn hug. And give your ex a thousand hard slaps on the wrist, too. Even if it's not much... what can I say, I'm a lover not a fighter. Anyway, Coupe, please. I know it's so hard - no, I know it's incredibly damn hard, harder than anything you could possibly imagine right now - but please, just keep staying alive right now. Look after your health, look after yourself. Please. Not only physically, but mentally too. Keep posting here, keep venting, doing whatever you need (within safe limits) to let off steam. And go easy on the meds.

 

Your ex, while I don't know her very well, just seems to be acting very selfish right now by not recognizing the horrible pain you're going through right now. And wanting to be friends? Wow. But I understand where you're coming from, Coupe. It's amazing how the people we loved so damn much, who KNEW us so very well, can act so blind and OBLIVIOUS to our pain. When it's right in their FACES. All of this suffering and mental torture, and yet they seem to be skipping along merrily in a field of daisies, totally unaware of what we go through every day, every night as we lay down to sleep, and every morning that we wake up. Only to go through the same exact pain all over again. But you know what, Coupe? I know it sounds so typical to say it, but things do get better. Slowly, but they do.

 

I promise, if you just keep taking care of yourself like you should, and you start realizing that you deserve someone so much more considerate and loving (because you do!), you will slowly begin to heal. The days will get a little better, and it might take a while to really realize that you're starting to see a little bit of the light, but you will, and you'll be so glad you stuck around to see it. Because it gives you hope, you just have to keep surviving and keep living the best you can so you get the chance to see it. I know I did, and I'm for sure 1000 times better than I was 8 months ago. I really am. Just keep going, alright?

Edited September 23, 2011 by Thieves

[worldgonewrong]

Dude, I can SO relate to your pain and the absolute hell that you're in.

 

I'm 8 months into a separation.

Oddly enough, it DOES get better. I swear it.

There are moments, very dark moments, where the hellish clouds obscure everything all over again -- but light does break through. Aim for that.

[worldgonewrong]

p.s. I look at it like this:

humans are fundamentally like plants -- we gravitate toward the sun, toward light. Even the tiniest scrag of a weed somehow manages to push itself up through a concrete sidewalk. (I don't know what kind of plants our ex's are like -- venus flytraps?)

But what I'm saying is, even after we've been stepped on, we still naturally bend toward the light.

[Thieves]

Thieves and worldgonewrong,I want to say a BIG heart felt thank you for trying to help my brother out.This isnt coupedriver..( Dave) but his brother..Daniel.I just sat down after we got into his house and found several pages opened on his computer.We are trying tp piece together who he talked to last and have several sites written down and some pages are still open.

He had a list next to his computer and on it are several names of people he has talked to.I have gone through several of his posts (from here) and I am still reading.Again..I want to say THANK YOU again very much for all of your help.

 

...Is he okay? Please tell me he didn't do anything drastic...

[PelicanPete]

Just in case you didn't see his brother post in the GIGS thread so that you aren't left hanging.

 

He was through a LOT in his life and I HOPE he gets even more chances..At 7:43 AM,on this morning my brother attempted to take his own life.

He called his ex to say he was sorry and he hoped she could forgive him one day..( this went to her voice mail..) but she listened to it right away.His phone was still on and through tracking we located him in a parking lot.He is in Sinai Grace Hospital as I write this.Hopefully,fighting for his life.I have so much items to go through yet and I am kinda in shock.

[Thieves]

Just in case you didn't see his brother post in the GIGS thread so that you aren't left hanging.

 

Oh my God.

 

Dave, even if you don't end up reading this, I've never really been a religious person, but my prayers and hopes are with your brother. I'm so incredibly sorry this happened, and I sincerely hope he pulls through for both himself and his family.

- xo.

[Steven T]

Allow her to miss you by removing yourself completely and one day when she's at a low point, she'll remember all the good things you did for her and she'll come back, or at least contact you. In the meantime you move ahead and know that each day that passes is a potential day where she could be reaching a low point and hence have u in her mind and will break and want to come back to you.

 

Couldnt agree more. This is very true.

[worlybear]

Many, many Hugs, Coupedriver. Thinking of you.:bunny:

[Aqua066]

My prayers are with you Coupedriver. Come back to us man. No one girl is worth all of this suffering... You can get through this!

[IfiKnewThen]

Dear Couple. so many of us have been in this place of feeling nothing is worth is anymore. but YOU are worth it and the ones who love you are worth it. sometimes, we dont even have a clue how we effect people.

 

my brother-law left this earth and he didnt know how much he was loved and cared for by all. just because people get busy with their lives , parents, children, friends, co-workers cousins, whatever, doesnt mean they would want to live without us, and their hearts wouldnt break if we are no longer here. sometimes it seems we hold it secret how much we all love one another. we dont say anything. but i know so many must love you. even if they dont speak it. their hearts would break w/o you. they matter. you matter.

 

also, you are a brilliant writer. your post was so descriptive and moving. it shows passion. but use that passion to find simplicity...to be happy and content ..with simple things in life till the passion returns again. use your God given talent to write.....till it heals you. healing is out there. it comes in bits and pieces though. and then one day you wake up and actually say. wow....i didnt think about them for hours. then full days......etc. you have to make peace with it. one day and one hour at a time.

 

please read this post. i think it can help . its one of my favorite threads

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t244265/?highlight=mcgrupp. just read the first sentence even. but try to see the thread through and through. every word mcgrupp said in this post. and God bless you. take his hand, please. relove yourself again. its possible. and its possible to even have some empathy for "them". put your energy in reloving yourself tho.please. i hope and pray you read this post someday. many many hugs from people who care, that you dont even know.

[IfiKnewThen]

a ps/ just read the mcrupp part of the post. i know some of his words are harsh..you can skip over one or 2 things he said....

 

but then get to the meat of what he is TRYING to say. ITS about survival. and YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!! PLAY out your life. miracles can happen in different directions. God bless and speed your recovery

[IfiKnewThen]

PPS. i couldnt agree more with this post: quoting worldgonewrong:

Dude, I can SO relate to your pain and the absolute hell that you're in.

 

I'm 8 months into a separation.

Oddly enough, it DOES get better. I swear it.

There are moments, very dark moments, where the hellish clouds obscure everything all over again -- but light does break through. Aim for that.

p.s. I look at it like this:

humans are fundamentally like plants -- we gravitate toward the sun, toward light. Even the tiniest scrag of a weed somehow manages to push itself up through a concrete sidewalk. (I don't know what kind of plants our ex's are like -- venus flytraps?)

But what I'm saying is, even after we've been stepped on, we still naturally bend toward the light

 

and one last thing. please...i dont know your situation..but stay off drinking, & drugs and some antidepressants that cause further depression. surround yourself with love and light. if you cant find that out there then give it to yourself. but please hang in there.

[Coupedriver]

To close the GATES to HELL.Enough is enough.

[IfiKnewThen]

i dont know what this means. i dont know if this is coupedriver or his brother.

 

 

if its time to close the gates of hell...i hope you close your mind and heart to her right now and focus on you and get out of this hell with the hope of happinesss that DOES exist out there for you someday. and lean on those who care. lean on us please coupe. please write back and let us know youre ok. please

[Coupedriver]

I already thanked my brother BUT we had a difference of opinion on what he posted but we are over that.I know its a LONG road ahead but like I said...Its starts with that first step.I was SO scared to take it...TERRIFIED....for fear of NOT being here when she needed me...WHAT WOULD happen if she called and needed me..????!???Or the car broke down..???? See where the power lies...??? See what your mind is capable of doing to you..?!?!? FREAKING scary..!!!!! BUT that isnt my problem anymore.Karma...or what ever you believe in is coming for her...

My counselor said I lived in two worlds....you cant.Plain and simple.One day at a time....I see my goal.

[IfiKnewThen]

i am so glad you are ok. look i do know whats it like to feel low and despair. i am going to take the time out just as quickly as i am able to to read your back story. get more familiar with it. i just saw a person in deep pain. she isnt worth it driver...i dont care how much you love her. none of them are worth all of that. so hang in there one day at a time. i dont mean to sound at all preachy, but even in the bible jesus said dont worry about tomorrow, because today has enough anxiety of its own. we really get ahead of ourselves thinking of the future without them. lets just try to stay in today. get through each day. that is the best way to handle getting over them, or any problem. live only in this day. make the best of this day, each day one day at a time. and get a routine...

 

something that we can look forward to and is constant. because once they are gone we feel everything is uncertain. make something a little more certain in your life...thats good. please put good things in your day. like mcgrupp said in his post. even if its a prize sandwich...that tasted good......that gets your happiness or good factor up 1%. let the percentages stack up little by little one day at a time. you'll know what i am talking about if you read his post. its all about survival at first....but then it goes into real happy moments, and leaves us open to real possibilities.

 

ok sorry to ramble on. and the mind and spirit get all mixed up and can be even more easily crushed when we are on something...like booze or drugs. so trust me thats not an option that works at all. its deceiving. i know you feel numb and pain or want to be numbed from the pain...but that those particular things dont work and even major backfire on you.\

 

ok i know i am rambling on again . glad your here with us to take it one day at a time.....to renewal and hope and promise again . its out there. takes time. but its there..........................believe everyday, one day at a time.

 

and its ok to grieve. its a process. therea 2 good books about that. john grays book "starting over" and when your lover leaves you..by richard g. whiteside. six stages to growth and recovery. we all go through anger, hope, denial, shock, grief, etc.... just like if you had a major life threatening illness and were sick. it almost kinda necessary to experience all these feelings...but NOT get stuck in anyone of them. thats the trick. they wax and wain. one even can help cancel out the other feeling...temporarily. so dont worry if you feel these things but seek professional help when anything is overwhelming you. period. ...of course. and look for a dr. you jive and mesh with. anyway. sorry again. there is no linear way all of this goes down.

 

you have to eat good, take care of yourself. maybe someday forgive her if thats appropriate and it helps you in time. you dont have to hold on to anger but when it helps you thats ok too. as long as you dont get stuck in it or out of control.

 

i dont know what your counselor means by you live in two worlds. i dont know you, period. but we all human beings and so many on here have felt what you feel, even though you are living this yourself, because only you are you. be strong ..get tougher now for you and its ok to feel weak. we are all weak at times and weaker at other times. again this is the human experience. but again. she is NOT worth it i dont care how great she was or is. YOU matter. ps keep writing for yourself when u can a journal. but add the good things in the day and focus on that. infact maybe only add good things till you can see them again. even if you write..i had a great sandwich today. retrain the brain to see good and happy things without her!! that ARE indeed there. God bless

Edited September 27, 2011 by IfiKnewThen