Finally got closure

[JB93]

After spending the weekend with my EX to figure things out, I finally got to the final destination. She begged me to stay with her and apologized sincerely about everything she had done.

 

I still love her, but I love myself more. I think the fact that "I broke up with her" really helps my position. I feel like I had a sense of control over the situation. I made the decision and feel great about it.

 

Just saying!

 

NC starts now

[Thieves]

Nice job. Looking forward to hearing more about your NC success, broseph. Sorry, just always wanted to use that word (broseph). But really, congrats on this and realizing you have to look after yourself first sometimes despite other people. I hope I get the closure I need soon too... whether it comes from the 'ex' or not.

[visualbasicide]

Closure is the holy grail many of us run through the maze seeking, glad you have found yours. Best of luck.

[JB93]

NC and this is what I get as texts from her...

 

please analyze this: Does she genuinely want another chance then?

 

"I feel so pathetic waiting for your response early in the morning, but I am still hoping it'd come. J, I am so sorry. I never intended for it to get sooooo bad between us. :/ I wanted us to re-love each other again. I wanted you to forgive me so I could start forgiving myself."

 

Next text "I just wanted one more chance with you to make it all right. Just you and me. to show you I messed up. I don't know what I was doing J but I was being selfish and a fool. I should have been running back to you sooner but I felt ashamed and now we are done and I cant ever go back :'("

 

Next text "J I just want you back! Id do anything if you let me. I realize that I disobeyed your trust. But I was foolish. I lost touch with myself this summer. I needed to not feel used. Like- I needed a boy to tell me sex isn't all that matters. Stupid, I know!:/ I just felt soooo close to you this weekend (I hung out with her this weekend as stated earlier) Its sad to watch it all go. I was driven by it. I should have come back to you. Like a child, I should of gone home, ya know. I'm sorry I am pleading with you. But I don't like being the person that hurt you or took you for granted. I just want us back- when it was good. :/ I don't need to think about it. Just give us an honest shot J, NO reservations. I promise you'd love it"

 

I didn't respond between those texts at all. I woke up to those texts. Call me a fool, but I find those texts very genuine. Sure you guys don't really know her, but is she REALLY being fake with me? Again shes admitting fault with this other guy few weeks ago, and wants to change things back. IDK- but i feel caught in the middle. Go NC still?

[visualbasicide]

NC and this is what I get as texts from her...

 

please analyze this: Does she genuinely want another chance then?

 

"I feel so pathetic waiting for your response early in the morning, but I am still hoping it'd come. J, I am so sorry. I never intended for it to get sooooo bad between us. :/ I wanted us to re-love each other again. I wanted you to forgive me so I could start forgiving myself."

 

Next text "I just wanted one more chance with you to make it all right. Just you and me. to show you I messed up. I don't know what I was doing J but I was being selfish and a fool. I should have been running back to you sooner but I felt ashamed and now we are done and I cant ever go back :'("

 

Next text "J I just want you back! Id do anything if you let me. I realize that I disobeyed your trust. But I was foolish. I lost touch with myself this summer. I needed to not feel used. Like- I needed a boy to tell me sex isn't all that matters. Stupid, I know!:/ I just felt soooo close to you this weekend (I hung out with her this weekend as stated earlier) Its sad to watch it all go. I was driven by it. I should have come back to you. Like a child, I should of gone home, ya know. I'm sorry I am pleading with you. But I don't like being the person that hurt you or took you for granted. I just want us back- when it was good. :/ I don't need to think about it. Just give us an honest shot J, NO reservations. I promise you'd love it"

 

I didn't respond between those texts at all. I woke up to those texts. Call me a fool, but I find those texts very genuine. Sure you guys don't really know her, but is she REALLY being fake with me? Again shes admitting fault with this other guy few weeks ago, and wants to change things back. IDK- but i feel caught in the middle. Go NC still?

 

I really don't know man, it does sound genuine and she didn't say she did it because of you. she seriously just owned up to her actions and accountability.

 

You can do what you want at this point. If you want to try reconciliation, then take things nice and easy, don't give her the benefit of the doubt. She would have to earn your trust back not you handing it over on a silver platter. Transparency in phonebill's, checkup calls, details of where she is and when or whatever you need to feel comfortable. Just be careful if you chose to go this route.

 

If you give it a shot and it doesn't work out, you can start a new thread and then you won't have to wonder what might have been, heh. Do what you THINK AND FEEL is best, not just what you feel is best.

[visualbasicide]

I just want you to make sure that you feel trust will be achievable, and things forgiven, there is a serious amount of work you will both have to do if you want to go forward with this and there is no guarantees, I don't know her so you have to take what you know about her and look at it in a very honest light.

 

If her behavioral and emotional characteristics dictate, that yes, she can change and just made a mistake at some point, then yay, if she has time and again proven to do things like this over and over then I would have reservations.

 

facebook passwords, emails, etc, everything about both of you would have to be an open book. You dont want to start this and then live with the blame game for the next 5 years before you end it horribly.

 

its your call.

[JB93]

So say I do give her another shot (which I honestly think I will). How should I go about the relationship now???

 

keep in mind- I have jealousy and self esteem issues. (I DONT SHOW IT THO). I am good about faking confidence. I dont try to put her on a pedastal. I dont wanna see her SMS or phonebills or fb stuff. I feel like if I am going to give it a shot, I should trust her word about it... right? or am i wrong in this case.

 

we are all taught to trust one another, but once they break that trust, what do you do next?

 

I just dont know what I should do to make this relationship work...I cant just go back to the way it was in the past- at least not initially. anyone have experience with a second chance and it actually worked out? share here and what tips you have thanks for all the replies btw! you guys are great

[visualbasicide]

So say I do give her another shot (which I honestly think I will). How should I go about the relationship now???

 

keep in mind- I have jealousy and self esteem issues. (I DONT SHOW IT THO). I am good about faking confidence. I dont try to put her on a pedastal. I dont wanna see her SMS or phonebills or fb stuff. I feel like if I am going to give it a shot, I should trust her word about it... right? or am i wrong in this case.

 

we are all taught to trust one another, but once they break that trust, what do you do next?

 

I just dont know what I should do to make this relationship work...I cant just go back to the way it was in the past- at least not initially. anyone have experience with a second chance and it actually worked out? share here and what tips you have thanks for all the replies btw! you guys are great

 

Not personally, but in retrospect, had I done what I am telling you to do to start with, I wouldn't be here to tell you

 

You need to NOT put anyone on a pedestal, but you DO need phonebills and fb and all that stuff, you will need PROOF to set your mind at ease, just walking back in will put her back in control again instead of putting you both on even ground. You BOTH need to be transparent. I'm pretty much telling you this is your only realistic option but you have to do it too.

 

It will show her you aren't willing to ask anything of her you aren't willing to do yourself. Anyway, you need to ALSO tell her exactly how you feel, insecurities and all. if you act one way but talk another, it doesn't add up and causes all kinds of problems. Kinda like when they say they love you and then betray you....the words pale in comparison.

 

If you do not do these things, then you will not be doing anything you haven't already done, and in essence will be going right back to the way things "used" to be.

 

Just sayin.

[visualbasicide]

Practically you have to start the relationship back over from square one, except love is already there, and trust isn't. Everything else resets and you start rebuilding trust and commitment, which will rebuild any intimacy issues, emotional or physical, which will set you down the path you want to travel with each other.

[JB93]

couple more questions to add then:

1) Should I not allow her to talk to this other guy anymore- even as friends? To me- I would REALISTICALLY like her to stop talking to him. However I do NOT want her to do it cus of me. She should do it cus SHE doesnt feel the need to continue talking to this other guy. If you tell someone not to do something, they will want to do it even more, so I am afraid of telling her "you cant talk to him anymore."

 

2) If I meet up with her tmrw, should I ask for her cell and ask for her text messages so that I can see them? Or should I start the whole "opening up" her texts from that day on forward. Basically- just ignore the past.

 

 

I want to come out of this with a couple of things: respect, honesty, love, and become more secure with myself and not depend on anyone else for happiness, just share it

[Diatribes]

1) Should I not allow her to talk to this other guy anymore- even as friends? To me- I would REALISTICALLY like her to stop talking to him. However I do NOT want her to do it cus of me. She should do it cus SHE doesnt feel the need to continue talking to this other guy. If you tell someone not to do something, they will want to do it even more, so I am afraid of telling her "you cant talk to him anymore."

 

Yes, you should. Her communicating with this guy is unfair to you. Especially if it bothers you. If she truly values you then this wont be an issue for her. You should come before any trivial friendship she may want to continue with this guy.

 

2) If I meet up with her tmrw, should I ask for her cell and ask for her text messages so that I can see them? Or should I start the whole "opening up" her texts from that day on forward. Basically- just ignore the past.

 

No, you should not. This would show insecurity on your part. You need to develop trust, and this is a huge breach of that. Don't ignore the past, but don't let it destroy the future either.

 

I want to come out of this with a couple of things: respect, honesty, love, and become more secure with myself and not depend on anyone else for happiness, just share it

 

As well you should. You need to communicate how you feel and what you expect from her if you want to reconcile. If you don't, you're leaving yourself open to her doing exactly what you don't want to happen, with her saying "you never told me that..." or similar.

 

Best of luck

[JB93]

thanks diatribes- you really think i should make her stop talking to him? Like no texting? If she does text him, what should I do? break up with her?

 

And I just dont know what to tell her...

 

here is an example (let me know if its good): Listen T, Its been really difficult for me with the past few weeks. Finding out you did those things with someone else really caught me by surprise, cus you were the one person I really trusted, so I didnt expect it from you. I deserve the same amount of love i give, back. I feel that if we are going to make this work, we have to come to some agreements. I would like it if you would stop talking to the other guy. Not just for the sake of our relationship- but for his sake as well. He clearly likes you, and its not fair to keep talking to him and leading him on, even if its "just as friends." having said that, you know my terms. You can meet me with those terms, or you can be free and do as you please, but I wont be around for that."

[visualbasicide]

couple more questions to add then:

1) Should I not allow her to talk to this other guy anymore- even as friends? To me- I would REALISTICALLY like her to stop talking to him. However I do NOT want her to do it cus of me. She should do it cus SHE doesnt feel the need to continue talking to this other guy. If you tell someone not to do something, they will want to do it even more, so I am afraid of telling her "you cant talk to him anymore."

 

2) If I meet up with her tmrw, should I ask for her cell and ask for her text messages so that I can see them? Or should I start the whole "opening up" her texts from that day on forward. Basically- just ignore the past.

 

 

I want to come out of this with a couple of things: respect, honesty, love, and become more secure with myself and not depend on anyone else for happiness, just share it

 

it is ALWAYS resolved by the significant other, her in this case, never talking to the other man. ever, ever, ever ever ever. If she values talking to him more than talking to you, then well, you have your answer. I really don't know the back story but im guessing it was involving him and she broke your trust, and it ended. Idk if she cheated, had an emotional affair, or just made you jealous, I suppose it really doesn't matter at this point.

 

anyway, if you two arent together then it doesn't matter what shes been doing, or who she was doing it with. But when you bring up the transparency plot, then that is her cue to remove anything she (and you) would rather not see, and then start everything from there forward. Don't go digging up the past, it is in the past. Doesn't mean IGNORE the past, but don't dwell in it.

 

Communication is the key to all relationships. (business, friendships, and personal relationships) That means open honesty about everything you think, feel and see. If one of you stops communicating to the other, the whole thing is doomed unless its resolved. Doesn't mean you have to agree with everything, thats where compromise comes in, but if you two don't know how the other really feels, daily, then something gets lost in translation and it creates a void in the relationship. To fill it people will do all kinds of things from abuse, to alcohol, cheating, gambling, who knows, but where there is a need to fill, its up to you two to communicate what it is and fill it within the bounds of the relationship.

 

Perception is reality. Just because you think you are doing what the other needs doesn't mean thats the way they see it. Example: You think fishing together is quality time, so you both fish a lot. She thinks staying home and watching a movie is quality time, which you do once a month. heh. etc...

 

I'll give you a rundown of a book I have, pretty much breaks peoples perception of love into 5 categories.

 

Words of affirmation: encouragement, thank you's, etc.

Quality time

recieving gifts

acts of service (help with things like chores, etc.)

Physical touch (sex, kissing, hugging, holding hands, etc)

 

and you both go rate these things on a 1 to 5 scale, I myself like the 1st and 5th ones the most, my ex liked the 2nd and3rd the most. etc.

It will give you both an understanding of what the other wants that makes the "love" feelings. Love is only a series of actions that make you feel good about that person. It's just a series of positively perceived actions.

 

Heres a good real world example, some people just like to be left alone when they are upset so they can calm down and confront it later, some people want to confront it right then. You put these two people together and you have a time bomb if they don't understand how to communicate. The one that likes solitude gives the other space when they are upset. The confrontational one always chases the first when they are upset, so neither one are ever getting what they want and only giving what they themselves would want as a solution to the problem. Doomed to failure. Mine actually, true story, that. lol.

 

anyways if you both give each what the other needs, within reason, then it'll always be cool. Her having tons of alone time when you don't trust her isn't one of those things, but eventually, lol. you see what I mean I hope.

Wish you the best of luck though, hollar if you need too.

[visualbasicide]

thanks diatribes- you really think i should make her stop talking to him? Like no texting? If she does text him, what should I do? break up with her?

 

And I just dont know what to tell her...

 

here is an example (let me know if its good): Listen T, Its been really difficult for me with the past few weeks. Finding out you did those things with someone else really caught me by surprise, cus you were the one person I really trusted, so I didnt expect it from you. I deserve the same amount of love i give, back. I feel that if we are going to make this work, we have to come to some agreements. I would like it if you would stop talking to the other guy. Not just for the sake of our relationship- but for his sake as well. He clearly likes you, and its not fair to keep talking to him and leading him on, even if its "just as friends." having said that, you know my terms. You can meet me with those terms, or you can be free and do as you please, but I wont be around for that."

 

ok if it was just a jealousy issue, then you don't need the facebook and all that. most people that ask all this stuff have been cheated on. my bad.

[JB93]

excellent post- i liked the idea about the 5 categories...

 

Well ill just add this in. We dated for almost 2 years- she want a break about a month ago- she saw a guy from her work for about a week. They didnt have sex, but they did almost everything else. He asked her out, she said no, she wasnt ready yet... Then when I found out about all that, i said, we are done for good...

 

i guess technically she did nothing wrong- not cheating cus it was a break, but i sure as hell do know that she emotionally cheated on me. she was DEF interested in this guy before the break- and the actual break just gave her the freedom to indulge... pisses me off thinking about it. I tend to look at the past a lot...

[visualbasicide]

i guess technically she did nothing wrong- not cheating cus it was a break, but i sure as hell do know that she emotionally cheated on me. she was DEF interested in this guy before the break- and the actual break just gave her the freedom to indulge... pisses me off thinking about it. I tend to look at the past a lot...

 

emotional affairs are cheating...and if you hadnt found out, she would have went all the way, assuming she really didnt. If you two plan to go forward in a serious manner, that whole break thing is a joke in my opinion, its like an excuse to ignore your responsibilities to each other and indulge in whatever you feel like when the other isn't around. people that REALLY want to fix things fix it together and not separately. That's just my take on it anyway.

 

The "break" was justification for going ahead with it. My wife pulled the same tactic on me before we got divorced, she just never came back from it. Which, given her current lifestyle, I really am better off.

[visualbasicide]

since this wasn't some jealousy thing, do the transparency. she used the breakup as a cover and it amounts to the same thing. If you want peace of mind then do it the way I told you to at first. leave nothing to chance and will help her prove her loyalty

[Diatribes]

thanks diatribes- you really think i should make her stop talking to him? Like no texting? If she does text him, what should I do? break up with her?

 

And I just dont know what to tell her...

 

here is an example (let me know if its good): Listen T, Its been really difficult for me with the past few weeks. Finding out you did those things with someone else really caught me by surprise, cus you were the one person I really trusted, so I didnt expect it from you. I deserve the same amount of love i give, back. I feel that if we are going to make this work, we have to come to some agreements. I would like it if you would stop talking to the other guy. Not just for the sake of our relationship- but for his sake as well. He clearly likes you, and its not fair to keep talking to him and leading him on, even if its "just as friends." having said that, you know my terms. You can meet me with those terms, or you can be free and do as you please, but I wont be around for that."

 

Yes, I do think she should quit talking to this guy, especially if she has only known him a few weeks. This shouldn't be a big deal to her if she's truly intent on reconciliation. I can't give advice on what to do if she does text him. That issue isn't black-and-white. You need to play it by ear depending on the circumstances of the situation. More specific, what if it's her responding to him texting, with her saying "leave me alone" or similar? Be wary, but don't be paranoid (fine line, I know).

 

And, I don't know if I'd go that far with explaining yourself, me personally. Try and keep it simple, while explaining where you're coming from and what concerns you. I know that may seem contradictory. What you suggested also seems a tad bit insecure. You need to tell her you will not tolerate her doing things that hurt you. If she cares, then this shouldn't even be in question.

 

I'm guilty of this myself. I had a tendency to over explain myself to my ex, throwing myself on the coals due to her pretense of incomprehension which was just part of her game. Rose-colored glasses are an ill burden to bear, indeed.

 

It seems you're well aware of what you expect from her, which is not asking too much, by far, in my opinion. You need to think rationally and not let emotions cloud your judgement. This too, I am guilty of, and I am well aware this is very difficult to do. Again, damn those rose-colored glasses.

 

Basically, what it boils down to is, if she really wants to works things out with you, she will discuss your issues and deal with them accordingly. Keep in mind though, you both need to come to a common middle-ground. Your relationship should be on equal terms. (pipe dream?) As previously stated, communication is indeed the key.

Edited September 10, 2011 by Diatribes

[JB93]

i agreed to meet with her tonight, so I think i am going to just try to keep my composure- Im not gonna make a big deal about this other guy, im just going to simply as that she stops talking to him. Ill give her the choice- she can talk to him, but she wont be with me. or she can save our relationship by not talking to him

[visualbasicide]

i agreed to meet with her tonight, so I think i am going to just try to keep my composure- Im not gonna make a big deal about this other guy, im just going to simply as that she stops talking to him. Ill give her the choice- she can talk to him, but she wont be with me. or she can save our relationship by not talking to him

 

Good plan.

[JB93]

saw her this weekend. things were really good actually. I didnt even have to bring up seeing her stuff, cus she wasnt texting him at all. I expected her too, but she didnt text at all. She was talking to her girl and guy friends and referring me as her bf again. I didnt say anything.

 

She also initiated sex each time. So I guess its good now. she seems genuine