how do you get over a fear of abandonment?

[HELP]

well i'm about to give up with myself because things are just too hard. for over a year now i have been struggling with dealing with my jealousy, insecurity, control, and fears of abandonment.

 

i have been in counseling for as long as i could go cause of insurance reasons, it actually helped alot, i am so much better, but unfortunately i have such a long way to go.

 

in the mean time i am pushing my boyfriend away from me and trying to understand my self and my actions and to change them, but at times i just seem so lost on what to do and how to change things.

 

sometimes i think i should just leave him then he wont have to deal with me. it would be less stress for him, and possibly for me as well.

 

less stress for him cause he wont have to deal with my acussations (spelling?) and third degree, less stress for me cause i wont have to worry about what he is doing, where he is at, who is he with? and that would probably make both our lives easier.

 

believe it or not, but he has done very little to nothing to hurt me or prove untrustworthy, it is all me! he is a good man, good lover, good companion, good everything in my life, but what good is it when i cannot be good for him in return?

 

we have talked about breaking up, we are old people, 4? and he does not want to break up, only when we get into a "big" fight then he says he "cant handle it anymore" and i can't blame him cause neither can i, but it is two different things "we" cant handle.

 

he can't handle the third degree, and i can't handle the not trusting. a little voice in my head does trust him, but something more overpowering takes over and tells me not to trust him, but that little voice tells me "your over reacting" blah, blah, blah goes the dominating voice and it mostly wins. sorry to ramble here, but i am desperate. what can i do? i think some of it is i'm afraid he may find someone else more stable, more secure, more trusting. probaly be better for him if he did. i love him, an am ready to sacrifice anything to make him happy, even if it means leaving him. HELP!

[Tony T]

You will get over your fear the minute you realize you only have ONE life to live and you rob yourself of a complete 24 hours of your life each day you obsess with being abandoned, being left behind, not trusting, etc. Our days are meant for celebration, not for screwing our minds with imagined clutter, and you are destroying the most precious gift the lucky sperm and egg receive for meeting...that is a joy filled life.

 

So if you really hate yourself and want to take away the joy that is your birthright and take that right to your death, you can continue your current behavior.

 

I am sure your counsellor went into the reasons we fear abandoment, etc. You have made progress and that's great. Keep moving forward.

 

The only other advice I can give you, once you change your mindset and attitude, is to live each and every moment in the present and enjoy it for the great moment it is. You cannot control the future so why worry about it. The only thing that exists in your entire world right now is you and your processing of what I am saying to you.

 

From here, move on and treasure each moment of your day...and don't worry if it disappears later. It is HERE RIGHT NOW for your enjoyment.

 

Do you fear eating because the food on your plate will disappear? Do you fear watching a great movie because it will end in one hour and forty minutes?

 

Don't deny yourself important happiness by mindscrewing yourself with all the crap.

 

Do things to build your self esteem, to build your confidence, and to make yourself feel you deserve to be happy right here, right now without trying to talk yourself out of happiness every moment of every day. Even many crazy people relish their insanity on a daily basis.

 

Learn some meditation techniques. Sit back, close your eyes, and imagine all the negative thoughts, emotions and negative events of your life in the basket of a hot air balloon. Then send the hot air balloon flying off into the sky and out of sight, disappearing forever.

 

You are simply wasting your time and your precious life with your thoughts. YOU ARE MEANT TO BE HAPPY.

 

Just think, if another sperm would have beat your's to the egg you wouldn't even be here now. That is cause enough for celebration!!!

[Jenna]

I am sure that you have been made aware of why you fear abandonment- but that is only half of the battle- realizing that the whole world is not out to get you is the other half.

 

Sometimes we are so afraid to give our "whole" self to someone-that we destroy any chance of happiness. The reason we hold back is so that if we do find ourselves abandoned- we feel we have something to start over with. This is an illusion.

 

To trust someone- means to completely let go of all our fears and place the well being of our emotions in the hands of another person. Example, when you boyfriend is out of your sight- you must be confident that he loves you and will consider your feelings in his decisions. Accomplishing this is not an over night process- for someone who has trust issues. It takes practice- sometimes a lot of practice. It takes will power- to not question him about things that really aren't your business- like- "where did you go?" "who was there?" - if he loves you- he will volunteer information in a casual way- not to explain -but rather to "share."

 

As long as you beat him to it-with questions and accusations-you aren't allowing him to share his life with you on his own. Thus- creating resentment. And then, that never allows you to see him as the person who truly cares about you.

 

If you practice- and allow him to share himself voluntarily-you will become more comfortable about trusting him. If he is aware of your fears- he will be able to make a notable effort to work with you- and help you practice.

 

Sometimes we just have to demand of ourselves- that we trust someone. You said yourself that he has never given you a reason not to trust him- so even though your efforts may be forced at first- they will eventually come more naturally. It also helps to verbalize your feelings for him-talk to your friends and family-tell them how you feel about his love. That he is wonderful to you and cares for you. One day- you will hear yourself- it will hit you- and you will accept that you are happy- you deserve to be happy- you want to be happy- and it is partly because of him that you are happy.

 

Only YOU are in control of your fears- and only you can let them go. You have the power, the strength, the will to do this- reach deep down inside yourself and find it- I promise it is there- we all have it.

 

Once you do find it- you will be able to enjoy your life- you will realize that even if something doesn't work out- and you end up hurt- the same strength that made you trust- will be the strengh that gets you through the pain- and on with your life- on with the next pursuit of happiness.

 

Good luck. Jenna

well i'm about to give up with myself because things are just too hard. for over a year now i have been struggling with dealing with my jealousy, insecurity, control, and fears of abandonment.

 

i have been in counseling for as long as i could go cause of insurance reasons, it actually helped alot, i am so much better, but unfortunately i have such a long way to go. in the mean time i am pushing my boyfriend away from me and trying to understand my self and my actions and to change them, but at times i just seem so lost on what to do and how to change things. sometimes i think i should just leave him then he wont have to deal with me. it would be less stress for him, and possibly for me as well.

 

less stress for him cause he wont have to deal with my acussations (spelling?) and third degree, less stress for me cause i wont have to worry about what he is doing, where he is at, who is he with? and that would probably make both our lives easier. believe it or not, but he has done very little to nothing to hurt me or prove untrustworthy, it is all me! he is a good man, good lover, good companion, good everything in my life, but what good is it when i cannot be good for him in return?

 

we have talked about breaking up, we are old people, 4? and he does not want to break up, only when we get into a "big" fight then he says he "cant handle it anymore" and i can't blame him cause neither can i, but it is two different things "we" cant handle. he can't handle the third degree, and i can't handle the not trusting. a little voice in my head does trust him, but something more overpowering takes over and tells me not to trust him, but that little voice tells me "your over reacting" blah, blah, blah goes the dominating voice and it mostly wins. sorry to ramble here, but i am desperate. what can i do? i think some of it is i'm afraid he may find someone else more stable, more secure, more trusting. probaly be better for him if he did. i love him, an am ready to sacrifice anything to make him happy, even if it means leaving him. HELP!

[Nina]

In the counseling process there are two participants. One of them does about 30% of the work. The other one does 70% of the work. Guess which is which.

 

30% therapist

 

70% patient

 

All a counselor does is show you where you currently are in your mental thought processes and coping mechanisms. A very good one can guide you through the steps of how to heal your wound into a stronger scar.

 

Fear of abandonment stems from low self-esteem. Women are especially prone to this because we often garner our self-esteem from our interpersonal relationships, with parents, friends, lovers and children (in that developmental order).

 

What you need to do is not only try to move beyond past hang-ups that you've identified, but find value within yourself. As Carl Rogers, my favorite humanistic psychologist often says (yes, he's as published and often cited as Jung, Freud, Adler or Horneye depending on each therapist's school of thought): You must learn to look at yourself both honesty AND acceptingly.

 

It's easy to do the first step, and I think this is where you're at right now. It's much more difficult to do the second.