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At an impasse

BetrayedH

By BetrayedH,
in Infidelity

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Darth Vader

Darth Vader

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Don't cheat, just drop her ASS! Whatever you do, DON'T stay for the children! You got majorly jipped out by your selfish wife!:sick: She sounds controling too!:sick: Protect your assets, and go for custody of the children, which may mean you get 50 - 50 custody!

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Osiris1234

Osiris1234

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The new guy excited her; it was NEW to her. It was different. It was just like when you and she were dating. Sex with you has become routine to her. Women need more than just a weeny in/weeny out. She knows how each encounter with you is going to be. There is no more mystery. Is there romance? Is there excitement? Or is it the hump, pump, done, roll over and go to sleep?

 

You seem very fixated on the sex part. Where as she was probably more interested in the emotional high she got from a guy who paid attention to her.

 

If you are seriously trying to justify her for what she did then you must be one of the women who encourages cheating on their husband too.

 

Well you know what, I believe he has every right to have an affair to. Its like you said before, this new girl will excite him, it is gonna be new to him, its gonna be different for him, its just like when he were dating. Sex with her has become a routine for him too. He knows how each encounter with her is going to be. There is no more mystery. Is there romance? Is there excitement? Not for him it sounds like.

 

OP just go back to finding a woman to have an affair with, your wife apparently isn't doing all she can to reconsile with you, and yet she is still calls when you have sex. She isnt gonna make love to you its just gonna be sex to her, so your better off finding someone else who can provide that emotional support your looking for, stop being such a pussy and find someone else to make love to cause your wife apparently isn't gonna.

 

MAN THE **** UP!

 

 

AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T USE A DAMN HOOKER, USE ASHLEYMADISON, YOU HAVE MORE CLASS THEN TO PAY FOR SEX

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turnera

turnera

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Well you know what, I believe he has every right to have an affair to.
That's 'too,' not 'to.' As in 'also.'

 

So, he's devastated because his wife cheated. So your solution is for him to go out and cheat with someone ELSE'S wife, so THAT guy can then be devastated as well?

 

Classy.

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Steadfast

Steadfast

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...he's devastated because his wife cheated. So your solution is for him to go out and cheat with someone ELSE'S wife, so THAT guy can then be devastated as well? Classy.

 

That really is the point in this situation. Bad only reaps more bad, then is worsened through justification. Lies need more lies to cover themselves. At some point the damage and deception and has to stop. Something positive has to happen, and that would include a clearing of the air and honesty about what each person really wants. Bringing another person into the situation -even an uninterested one- would only make the situation more muddled and complicated. Revenge or 'even the score' never works, long term.

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michelangelo

michelangelo

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Reading between the lines, it doesn't sound like she is in "full reconciliation mode" to me.

 

I agree. There is a lot more to be done by her than what I've read in your postings.

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visualbasicide

visualbasicide

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Lies need more lies to cover themselves. At some point the damage and deception and has to stop.

 

I couldn't agree more.

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Osiris1234

Osiris1234

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So, he's devastated because his wife cheated. So your solution is for him to go out and cheat with someone ELSE'S wife, so THAT guy can then be devastated as well?

 

Classy.

 

I NEVER ONCE said in my post to go out and find a woman who is married, for all we know she could be single (which i highly recommend), all im trying to do is get OP's brain working again, if his wife is seriously calling the shots on sex and won't make love to him, well I feel he has the obligation to go out and find another woman who is willing to give him that since his wife doesn't sound like she is owning up to what she did. Its like that last poster said, this is something new to him now, so i believe that he deserves it. As long as he covers up his tracks and doesn't get caught I see no issue.

 

Its like ive told past Gf's, "If you won't give it to me I will find it from somewhere else".

 

 

The only way her affair was able to last for a year was that she allowed it to become a life style for her with little guilt.

 

Also because women know how to hide it better so she never got caught until now.

 

End it after a revenge affair and your wife ends up the winner yet again.

 

As long as he keeps quiet about it and doesn't blab to everyone he can have the revenge affair and still end up the winner.

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Owl

Owl

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Alternatively, he could decide that his marriage is over...divorce, thus freeing himself up to explore options without compromising his own integrity and morals. He still comes out the "winner"...but without destroying his own honor. Win win.

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BetrayedH

BetrayedH

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I've decided against the revenge affair. It's either going to be reconciliation or divorce. Going thru with my own affair would just be the final nail in the coffin for reconciliation. And it's just not me. Very tempting idea though. Other than my own morals (and the fact that it destroys your marriage), it sounds like a lot of fun and sorry but, it's justified.

 

We have a big talk scheduled for tonight. She doesn't know but if it doesn't go well, I'm throwing in the towel. I'll move on and start another life.

 

Either way, you're not likely to see me back on this thread. If we're divorcing, you'll find me in that forum. If we're reconciling, I'm putting this whole sordid mess behind me. It's time to **** or get off the pot. I see people here riding the fence for years. I don't see how that can ever work. If we're going to reconcile, I'm going to stop punishing her, stop talking about it, stop obsessing with infidelity, and roll the dice with her again. I'll reinvest in my marriage again and if she betrays me, I'll know I did my best and move on with a clear conscience.

 

It's a big night. What's good for me now is that I know I'll be ok either way.

 

I appreciate everyone sharing a point of view.

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BetrayedH

BetrayedH

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The single vs attached debate is interesting. I immediately wanted someone attached so they wouldn't get attached to me. I just wanted the sex. Going to someone single seemed unfair to me. Seen too many on the OM/OW forum waiting for years for someone.

 

Wonder why I was so ok with helping someone betray their spouse. I guess i wasn't in the end but not sure that would have stopped me. Not very nice of me. Perhaps it's because the poor guy is already betrayed whether it's me or someone else.

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xxoo

xxoo

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It's a big night. What's good for me now is that I know I'll be ok either way.

 

You sound like you are in a place to make positive change in your life, and I have no doubt you will find your way.

 

Hope the conversation goes well tonight, whatever the results. Clarity in either direction is progress.

 

Wishing you the best :)

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Steadfast

Steadfast

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Wonder why I was so ok with helping someone betray their spouse. I guess i wasn't in the end but not sure that would have stopped me. Not very nice of me. Perhaps it's because the poor guy is already betrayed whether it's me or someone else.

 

I'm not sure exactly where you are now, but part of the above statement does touch on being part of the solution...and not part of the problem.

 

I wonder how many cheaters use this rationale? More than anything, it's a defeatist attitude that keeps the cycle in motion. I think what most realize (after the fact) is there's no such thing as 'only sex'. For one to truly feel that, the heart may be desensitized to the point of no return.

 

Does any of that sound helpful?

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turnera

turnera

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Betrayed, one thing to remember is that your feelings aren't going to go away overnight. And they will manifest all over the place. Triggers will abound. You'll find yourself suddenly wanting to cry for no reason (yes, even men). You'll feel angry, or sad, or in despair. Let it happen. Just let it ride out and accept it; time will help but it won't erase completely. But don't expect to 'get over it' any time soon. That way you won't be upset with yourself, and you won't get upset with her for not magically erasing your pain. She can't.

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BetrayedH

BetrayedH

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Turnera and frozensprouts-

 

You nailed it on the head. I'm focusing on forgiveness and trying not to obsess but nothing really works. My wife is less of a mess which is crappy but the reality most of the time, I suppose. At least she is truly remorseful and making a lot of changes. Enough for me to give it another shot anyway. The sex thing is taxing. I've been very open about images of the OM during sex which is why she was pulling away. But I was able to clearly communicate that I need the intimacy and sex too much to abstain. Denying me sex is the single most damaging thing she can do right now (well, almost). If nothing else, she initiated this morning.

 

But yeah, this just doesn't go away. It's really quitw shocking how damaging it is. I don't think the WS can ever quite get that.

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nyrias2

nyrias2

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I know what you mean. And no matter how much they want to understand, they really can't. I wanted my husband to understand how hurt I was ( i didn't want him to hurt like I did, more to understand just how bad I felt) and, even though I think he tried, he didn't get it. I don't think he could. It's one of those " if you haven't been through it yourself, you don't know what it is like)

 

Then isnt the solution obvious? Have a revenge affair and may be he will understand.

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Kidd

Kidd

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I didn't want the RA for revenge or even for the sex. I have no interest in hurting my wife. I wanted this sense of unfairness to somehow get resolved. I thought maybe I would stop feeling so hurt and screwed over if I got some on my own. I thought maybe I could stop feeling like a crazy obsessed person. Maybe it would work for that in the short term. But then the marriage is truly over. Might as well divorce first. I decided to finish tryng to give it the legitimate second chance and deal with my pain otherwise. But that's not making it go away either. Sucks that being honorable didn't pay off in my marriage up to this point or even now. I have to wait for the long term satisfaction of having done the right thing. Wish I could just rid myself of the grief over what has been lost and the uncertainty of it being found again. Eventually it just makes me ****ing angry. That's no fun either and it doesn't help reconciliation. I'm on this crazy cycle of a sad day, an angry day, and then a good, hopeful, and sometimes truly wonderful day. I hate the damn time thing.

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turnera

turnera

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I know that it blows, but, as time goes by, it does get better.

 

Especially if you use this wakeup call for the new opportunity that it is, to get you the marriage you BOTH want but never knew enough to work toward.
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Severely Unamused

Severely Unamused

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I don't agree... what a bizarre concept!

 

N was being sarcastic methinks.

 

You two are inspiring today. :)
Anyway, all I can say is...don't rush with your choices. Reconciliation can take years.

 

Even though you over the RA thing, I think, I wouldn't have recommended it because right now you are thinking more with your emotions than your head. I wouldn't recommend doing anything rash. So next time you feel that need...give yourself a little slap on the face.

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Doo

Doo

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Revenge affairs don't work long-term because in the end, you're still married to a person who cheated on you.

 

How is a revenge affair going to change that little fact?

 

It's not.

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