Dilemma

[TrueColors]

My mom is a retired widow. I found out today that her best friend - who also happens to be unemployed and depressed as a result - has been asking my mom for money to pay for a parking fine.

 

Now bear in mind that her friend has 2 kids, both grown up and in well-paying jobs, not to mention a working husband, yet she has the audacity to ask my mom, who is getting NO income other than her pension, simply because she doesn't want her husband to find out.

 

I happened to sit in on the phonecall (my mom had it on speakerphone) and couldn't believe what I was hearing. Even worse is that my mom agreed! When the phone call ended I told my mom that I thought she was being crazy. It's not like my mom is a rich widow either. My mom just told me to stay out of it.

 

But that's my mom. No doubt her over generosity had something to do with bring Catholic - or she gives to feel validated or whatever - but what do I do? She's never going to change. Should I say something to the friend? And what should I say?? I don't want to come between their friendship but I can't stand by and let her take advantage of my mom like this.

[meanie_monday]

I think that's up to your mom. If she wants to give her friend money, that's up to her. If you're really concerned, then maybe you should explain your family's financial situation to her friend. Hopefully, she'll be understanding, but other than that, I think it's your mom's choice.

[TrueColors]

Thanks for your input, Meanie.

 

Her friend KNOWS my mom's situation. She's been our family neighbor for years, but bought a house in a different suburb, further from the city centre. Her kids grew up with us (the eldest being in my sister's class). So I know her too.

 

I told my sis what happened and she went ballistic. She lives in another country, but she says that I should tell the friend to stop asking my mom for money, especially as she has 2 kids she could ask instead (admittedly she is not close with them. Hell, she even added my sis on FB to find out what they were up to).

 

I know ultimately it's my mom's decision, but I do worry about my mom's judgement. She assured me that her friend would pay her back, but I can't see how if she has no job.

 

Should I talk with the friend?

[TigerCub]

I understand your concern, but if you talk to the friend it will be taken the wrong way and could cost your mom a friend.

 

As a retired widow, I doubt that your mom has many people in her social circle, so don't make her lose a friend due to you meddling.

 

Your mom is a grown woman, and if she says her friend will pay her back - maybe she knows what she's talking about.

 

Its true, it seems unlikely because the friend has no job, but you don't know - maybe she'll go out one day and her husband will give her spending money and from that she'll pay your mom back - how much is the parking ticket for anyways?

 

I completely understand that you're being protective of your mom - and I would feel the same for mine, but for now, let her make her own decisions and don't over react, because one day, if your mom needs anything, don't make her scared to talk to you or ask you for help.

[TrueColors]

Thanks TigerCub,

 

Yes, I completely understand your viewpoint. This is what I am stuggling with, because this is my mom, I feel I should be looking out for her. But you're right: she is a grown woman, completely responsible for her actions and decisions. It's what I've been learning through my own self-help journey.

 

The amount that the fine was - $200 - is what got my back up. I have also found out that this isn't the first time she's lent her money either, which is why I don't trust my mom's judgement or her friend's attitude (admittedly, the friend did sound kinda hesitant on the phone, so at least I know that she isn't taking this lightly).

 

I dunno... just doesn't seem 'right' or 'responsible' either way and just leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

Edited September 10, 2011 by TrueColors

[SincereOnlineGuy]

This one is a puzzler... and I'd like to know the authentic story of what will happen IF the husband finds out about the parking fine (and has to pay it).

 

Had your mother been fleeced by a Nigerian telephone scammer, to the tune of $250,000, then the tone of your concern would be wholly appropriate.

 

As it is, you've left out soooooooooooooooo much information that we can't render much assistance to you with what you've given.

 

 

Your mom could receive some huge "pension".

 

This not being the first time 'mom' has lent money to the women could include $10 for lunch out one day, or $5 for lottery tickets (whatever).

 

You don't exactly build your own case by including that the other woman is "unemployed and depressed".

 

You probably shouldn't say or do anything, particularly as the woman's unemployment may indeed have strained the family budget. We here don't know the woman's gainfully employed children enough to expect or discount their abilities to help out (OR whether they would TELL 'dad' if indeed mom asked them to help).

[TrueColors]

Hey Sincere, thanks for your comment, but after much calm consideration and the previous comments, I have decided to let it go.

 

But to address your curiousity:

 

I'd like to know the authentic story of what will happen IF the husband finds out about the parking fine (and has to pay it).

 

From what I understand, it seems like pride on the friend's part. Her husband is off work sick (not seriously) and sounds like she doesn't want to add to the situation. I would imagine that if he found out, she'd get a right telling off from him.

 

As it is, you've left out soooooooooooooooo much information that we can't render much assistance to you with what you've given.

 

Well, that's as much as I know about the situation, really.

 

Your mom could receive some huge "pension".

 

Trust me, she doesn't. I've even had to go through the paperwork with her.

 

This not being the first time 'mom' has lent money to the women could include $10 for lunch out one day, or $5 for lottery tickets (whatever).

 

True. My concern is that once she starts and my mom keeps giving, she might find she starts relying on my mom rather than her husband (admittedly, I don't know what the status of their marriage is).

 

Because I know my mom is really generous and yet she finds it hard to ask for things herself.

 

You don't exactly build your own case by including that the other woman is "unemployed and depressed".

 

You probably shouldn't say or do anything, particularly as the woman's unemployment may indeed have strained the family budget. We here don't know the woman's gainfully employed children enough to expect or discount their abilities to help out (OR whether they would TELL 'dad' if indeed mom asked them to help).

 

I threw in that comment about her depression because it seems to be what is fuelling her dependence on my mom - not just financially, but emotionally as well. She's the type of person that finds it hard to "open up" to others - inc. her own kids.

 

Thus, it is out of character for her to ask my mom for any kind of help. If anything the friend has been the one to buy us (my family) gifts on every birthday/Xmas occasion, because that is how she shows her care (she's never been one to be verbally tactful though!).

 

This is partly why I've decided to drop it. Because I now realise that she needs my mom just as much as my mom needs her friendship now that my dad has passed.

[sm1tten]

I think you are right to drop it. If this is not a pattern of behavior, I would leave it alone.