I can't seem to get back on track.

[manders_01]

A little background: In May 2009 I met the man of my dreams and weighed about 270 pounds. It took a few months but as I fell in love with him, I came to the conclusion that in order to be with him I would have to lose weight and quit smoking. On September 1, 2009 I put my weight lose plan in motion (I had already quit smoking) to count calories, watch my portions, exercise and remember daily that this would be a process. I rarely didn't allow myself to have certain foods just made sure they fit within my allotment, worked a little harder at the gym, used substitutions to get the taste without the calories, etc. On my one-year anniversary I was down 92 pounds, in November I hit the 100 pound lost mark and the lowest I got was 162 (February of this year).

 

I did not maintain the 162 and I'm now back up to 190. When I was losing, I had all the willpower in the world and now I seemingly have none. I allow myself to give into any craving I have, to binge day after day, to eat food that in no way is good for me. I know visits home, summer cookouts, going out more, etc. have helped but they are not excuses, just contributions. I did some dating this summer which was great because I hadn't really done so before and in my mind, I told myself if I wanted to keep dating, I had to keep the weight off. But that did little to nothing to help me.

 

My problem is that I don't know how to go back to how things were. I don't feel good about my body, my clothes are getting tight and yet I still allow myself to do the things I know are detrimental to me. There are some significant differences in my life from when I was doing good. He is no longer in the picture and therefore not a motivating factor to hit the gym, skip the snack, etc. Also, I was laid off and am now running my own business out of my home. While I'm often busy, it seems my lack of structure is part of the issue. I can't help but wonder if they are contributing to my downfall.

 

I do not want to gain more weight, in fact, I want to be at 165-170. I want to want to go to the gym, to go for a hike, etc. I want to be able to tell myself no to the junk food I crave. I just can't figure out how to do it. It's not a matter of just telling myself to do so. I've tried, it hasn't worked. I have a friend who is also having a bit of a weight battle who I think I can team up with to help out. But I'm concerned that's not going to solve my self-created problem.

 

Any suggestions that anyone can give, especially those that have lost and maintained, would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I'm at my wits end. I don't want to be one of the those people who loses a bunch of weight, looks good for a little while then packs it and them some back on. I want 165-170 to be my future, I just can't quite figure out how to get there right now.