A FWB Situation - Unsure Of Next Step

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

So I broke up with my ex a few weeks ago. It was winding down and we'd kind of lost it but we broke up and remained friends and everything's fine.

 

When we broke up I decided to start hanging out with my friends more, since my ex was a bit demanding and wasn't very cool with me seeing my friends a lot.

 

Anyways one of my friends is a female. We've been friends for ages, though we didn't see each other a lot when I was dating my ex (understandably, I suppose), so I started to hang out with her more and went with her to parties and invited her to a friend's BBQ etc.

 

After a while, I got the feeling she had a thing for me. She was getting quite flirty and stuff, and texting a lot more and whatnot.

 

I've been down this road before with a girl and when we took it to the next level, it ended badly. It's all documented on here.

 

I had a crush on her too. We've gotten closer the last few weeks and only spent 4 days not hanging out together in the last two weeks since we've started hanging out.

 

Anyways, three nights ago we took it to the next level. Just a physical thing. I wanted to get it out the way and continue being friends, but she came over last night and it was the same thing. So now its pretty much FWB. Here's what I'd like to know, if anyone could help me out:

 

1: I did not specifically say "Hey, lets be FWB." She knows I don't want a relationship, having just come out of one, and she claims she doesn't either. I figured, let it go where its gonna go. Will this be a problem at some point?

 

2: As a friend, I love this girl. She's fantastic, really. But I don't want a relationship with her. Mostly because we are so good as friends that to be anything else would probably f*ck things up because friends and lovers are two different things and they bring their own set of rules and situations.

What I'm saying is: when this FWB thing ends, could we go back to just being friends? Is that possible? I asked several friends and got a No from all of them, basically. Also, would it need to have a set date to end it? I mean, what if we continue FWB for the foreseeable future for example? Do the lines get blurred? Whats the situation with that? I'm really enjoying this thing I've got with this girl but I know that to go further would ruin it. And I'm reluctant to go back too soon. What the hell do I do??

[bluenightowl]

So I broke up with my ex a few weeks ago. It was winding down and we'd kind of lost it but we broke up and remained friends and everything's fine.

 

When we broke up I decided to start hanging out with my friends more, since my ex was a bit demanding and wasn't very cool with me seeing my friends a lot.

 

Anyways one of my friends is a female. We've been friends for ages, though we didn't see each other a lot when I was dating my ex (understandably, I suppose), so I started to hang out with her more and went with her to parties and invited her to a friend's BBQ etc.

 

After a while, I got the feeling she had a thing for me. She was getting quite flirty and stuff, and texting a lot more and whatnot.

 

I've been down this road before with a girl and when we took it to the next level, it ended badly. It's all documented on here.

 

I had a crush on her too. We've gotten closer the last few weeks and only spent 4 days not hanging out together in the last two weeks since we've started hanging out.

 

Anyways, three nights ago we took it to the next level. Just a physical thing. I wanted to get it out the way and continue being friends, but she came over last night and it was the same thing. So now its pretty much FWB. Here's what I'd like to know, if anyone could help me out:

 

1: I did not specifically say "Hey, lets be FWB." She knows I don't want a relationship, having just come out of one, and she claims she doesn't either. I figured, let it go where its gonna go. Will this be a problem at some point?

 

2: As a friend, I love this girl. She's fantastic, really. But I don't want a relationship with her. Mostly because we are so good as friends that to be anything else would probably f*ck things up because friends and lovers are two different things and they bring their own set of rules and situations.

What I'm saying is: when this FWB thing ends, could we go back to just being friends? Is that possible? I asked several friends and got a No from all of them, basically. Also, would it need to have a set date to end it? I mean, what if we continue FWB for the foreseeable future for example? Do the lines get blurred? Whats the situation with that? I'm really enjoying this thing I've got with this girl but I know that to go further would ruin it. And I'm reluctant to go back too soon. What the hell do I do??

 

I'd say you need to a have a frank discussion with your friend to start. Once you start having sex, emotions can erupt. She might know the deal, but will start feeling differently. You won't know until you guys talk.

 

In a way I think you are using your friend to get over your ex, and that's not really a great friend thing to do. What if she has feelings for you? That's not fair to her. You are probably hurting, but unless she is 100% cool with this, I'd stop this now if you want any hope of keeping your friend.

 

Also you'll get over your ex better by spending time alone. I'm sure the last thing you need is a FWB relationship mess as well as your ex to deal with.

[Ayla]

I tend to agree with Bluenightowl (we always seem to be on the same page!).

 

FWB with actual friends, IMO can be quite dangerous to the friendship. I am not sure that actual friends can be FWB, as it can lead to complications - people feel uncomfortable, emotions arising, being in the same social circle means others are involved etc etc.

 

You clearly like the girl, why not ask her to take a step back and just give it time so that you can get over your last reltaionship? If she is a decent chick she will respect and understand this...

 

Either way - IMO FWB+actual friend=disaster

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

In a way I think you are using your friend to get over your ex, and that's not really a great friend thing to do. What if she has feelings for you? Also you'll get over your ex better by spending time alone. I'm sure the last thing you need is a FWB relationship mess as well as your ex to deal with.

 

Strictly speaking I feel, to a large extent, over my ex. I've went through far worse break ups than this one, and we're still friends and get along fine. I don't really miss her an awful lot because we were together for 6-7 months and we had a good run. I understand things need to come to an end. It wasn't working out, so it ended.

 

My initial thought when I started this FWB thing was that it was just going to be a bit of fun. Nothing else. With my ex I didn't get to see a lot of my friends for a while because she just wasn't cool with that, so I'm now just enjoying myself again. I certainly don't want to be alone though, because I don't have issues concerning her weighing my mind, and there's nothing I really need to consider or contemplate.

 

Yes, like you said this new girl may have feelings for me. I have feelings for her too, but I just don't believe people can transition from friends to a relationship properly, and I think we'd lose a lot of our friendship in the process if we were to do that. I would rather be single for the foreseeable future and just enjoy myself in her company without the added complications of a relationship.

 

I've tried talking to her about it, but she gets evasive whenever I do. She makes a joke and then changes the subject and I get the feeling she's uncomfortable discussing it. Maybe she doesn't want to think about where's it going to go? Maybe, like me, she's okay with it just being in the moment and thinks it'll be ruined if we look into too much, you think?

 

You clearly like the girl, why not ask her to take a step back and just give it time so that you can get over your last reltaionship? If she is a decent chick she will respect and understand this...

 

Either way - IMO FWB+actual friend=disaster

 

I was thinking about asking her if I could take some time out and just mull things over a little bit, yeah. But it wouldn't necessarily be to consider a relationship with her, I'd like it to be just so we don't get too involved with each other and then things get worse.

 

Do you think there's now no going back to the way we were? How would we progress as friends should the FWB thing end?

 

Again, I really care about the girl and I wouldn't do anything to hurt her. If I really thought this would hurt her emotionally, there's just no way I'd do it. And I'm certainly not using her, because I don't need her for anything. I'm fine with my break up, I've always been self sufficient in that my ex didn't do anything for me I desperately needed her for, so this new girl isn't taking my ex's place to fulfill anything like that, either.

 

It was just meant as some no strings fun with a friend I trust and could relax around without worrying about what it all meant. I just need to make sure that's still the case, and if not...well, I'm not really sure what to do then.

[Ayla]

tYes, like you said this new girl may have feelings for me. I have feelings for her too, but I just don't believe people can transition from friends to a relationship properly, and I think we'd lose a lot of our friendship in the process if we were to do that. I would rather be single for the foreseeable future and just enjoy myself in her company without the added complications of a relationship.

 

IMO the best relationships are bred from friendships. Your partner should be your best friend. Someone you can talk to about anything, be yourself with, enjoy sexually and emotionally.

 

However if you truely see nothing beyond friendship with her, then I would cut out the sex. I would tell her that, yes she might hurt for a while, or be embarrassed-and things might be awkward...and worst case scenario, never be the same again. But it is better in the long run.

 

She may be skirting around the issue because she is scared of what you will say or like you said it is just sex for her...but IMO casual sex ruins friendships in the end....that is just my opinion though.

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

We spoke a few days ago about it. I was surprised but she was upfront about things and we got a little further. I'm still unsure of what to do though.

 

She said she couldn't imagine not having me in her life because it feels like she's known me for years and she's come to really look forward to my texts and phone calls.

 

She also said she hopes she and I remain friends for life, which brought me to talking about what happened between us.

 

She asked me if we would continue it on, and I said I wasn't sure and I'd let her know in a few days, she agreed we should take some time to think about it, but I think tomorrow (or even tonight possibly) I should give her some kind of answer and decide how we're going to progress.

 

I want to continue having this intimacy with her, without having to really worry about the relationship side of it. I also want to be able to shift from FWB to being friends again. I don't want to think that's not possible.

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

A little update!

 

We spoke tonight via email. I don't know how we ended up doing it but I replied to an earlier email she'd sent, then she replied back with 10-15 mins then I replied and before you know it we were just sending each other emails into the small hours of the morning.

 

I'll put here the abridged version of the emails (the parts that concern this thread, as there was several conversations happening at once, as is sometimes customary with emails)

 

Me: I like things how they are right now

Her: As in, how things stand with you and me right now?

Me: Yes, but that has it's own implications

Her: Such as?

Me: We keep doing what we're doing and it'll get complicated

Her: I guess...but I really don't want to stop, either.

Me:Then...I don't think we should. I've been down this path before though and it ended horribly. I don't want that again.

Her: I understand that. In such a short amount of time I feel like you've become one of my best friends. Like I've known you my whole life.

Me: I feel exactly the same, and I never want to lose that. You mean a lot to me.

Her: You mean a lot to me too.....so...where do we go from here?

Me:...I don't know.

 

There was a lot more conversation, and it really was fantastic. Like, just really connecting with each other on an emotional level and talking about what we hope for the future and how we really feel about this, that, and the next thing.

 

You know, you hang around with people (as I have with her for quite a while, before my relationship with my ex got serious) and never really get to know them quite like you could. And I feel I'm really getting to understand this girl and it's fantastic. I'm very, very glad I have such a good friend with whom I can communicate on such a deep level.

 

Anyways.....Christ, I really don't know what the hell to do anymore :/ Help? Please?

[insaneinthebrain]

can you have fwb sitiaution with a long time friend and still save the friendship once its over.?????

[Ayla]

Are you sure it is FWB you only want? Or in the future could it turn into something more?

 

Insaneinthebrain- IMO, no, because it would be awkward later when one person meets someone else, and you still have to be friends with them, hang around them...let alone what the new partner might think!!! If I got intimate with one of my close friends, I would think that eventually it is going to lead to a full time relationship or something.

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

Are you sure it is FWB you only want? Or in the future could it turn into something more?.

 

I don't really know, Ayla...I've had my share of bad relationships, and I'm determined I won't mess up the closeness I have with this girl. Everyone wants to be close to someone, but the problem is when you get close enough it just gets ruined and I really don't want that to happen again, it was bad enough the first time.

 

I had hoped FWB would alleviate the sexual tension between us and allow us to continue on as really close friends but it seems that the more we talk, the closer we become and I'm worried if I pursue a relationship with her then it'll be great for a few months and then just totally implode, like I'm used to.

 

She's such a great girl, though. Really funny and witty. We have a running joke about how we insult each other and she's always the one who has the last insult because she's a lot wittier and quicker than I am, but she's a very caring person too. I told her about my favorite band playing in a city near where I live but they're playing just before I get paid and I can't afford to get tickets just now - she emailed me last night to tell me she'd booked me a ticket for me, I was stunned. I asked her to come with me, so I'm sure it's going to be a great night.

 

Anyways, relationships (to me anyway) feel like the death of romance and spontaneity. They just ruin everything and I cannot, I will not, ruin what I have with this girl. I really can't do it.

[Ayla]

Hmmm-I have sent you a private message

[Loved&Lost]

I would say, based on your conversation she is falling in love with you. She doesn't want to stop because she has developed feelings for you. But that's just my opinion. If you really don't feel the same way then I would end the FWB-thing.

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

I would say, based on your conversation she is falling in love with you. She doesn't want to stop because she has developed feelings for you. But that's just my opinion. If you really don't feel the same way then I would end the FWB-thing.

 

I have been in this situation before, and believe me it never ends well. At all. It's such a horrible feeling when you rely on someone. 9 times out of 10, I feel, you just get let down and end up sitting alone with a bottle of vodka and some music, trying to drown your sorrows.

 

I did this before with a friend. We went from best friends to a relationship and it just went to hell. It's been over a year now and I still miss that girl, and I hate that the closeness I had with her is totally gone. I used to know everything about her, she would share so much and we would do everything together. Now, if I see her in the street, or in a club, we don't even acknowledge each other, and it still breaks my heart. Its like we're total strangers.

 

I won't do this to this new girl. I can't. It would hurt far too much. So I don't see the point in risking it, no matter how strongly I feel about her.

[bluenightowl]

I have been in this situation before, and believe me it never ends well. At all. It's such a horrible feeling when you rely on someone. 9 times out of 10, I feel, you just get let down and end up sitting alone with a bottle of vodka and some music, trying to drown your sorrows.

 

I did this before with a friend. We went from best friends to a relationship and it just went to hell. It's been over a year now and I still miss that girl, and I hate that the closeness I had with her is totally gone. I used to know everything about her, she would share so much and we would do everything together. Now, if I see her in the street, or in a club, we don't even acknowledge each other, and it still breaks my heart. Its like we're total strangers.

 

I won't do this to this new girl. I can't. It would hurt far too much. So I don't see the point in risking it, no matter how strongly I feel about her.

 

Its sounds to me like you have just been too hurt in the past, and it might take longer, but think about it. What do ultimately want with anyone in your life. I imagine all the thing you describe in your post, but just not to end.

 

It you leave things as FWB, you could loose her as well. I find most woman want a relationship. She may not know, but I suspect she does. IF one of you decided to fool around with someone else I suspect one or both of you might get hurt. But whatever, if you both like what you have, you can just roll with that and one day let it evolve into a relationship when you're more ready. Just don't wait too long. If she fall for you, you can't just go back to being friends and only friends, but if you go for a relationship eventually, you definitely can make her your best friend.

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

Its sounds to me like you have just been too hurt in the past, and it might take longer, but think about it. What do ultimately want with anyone in your life. I imagine all the thing you describe in your post, but just not to end.

 

It you leave things as FWB, you could loose her as well. I find most woman want a relationship. She may not know, but I suspect she does. IF one of you decided to fool around with someone else I suspect one or both of you might get hurt. But whatever, if you both like what you have, you can just roll with that and one day let it evolve into a relationship when you're more ready. Just don't wait too long. If she fall for you, you can't just go back to being friends and only friends, but if you go for a relationship eventually, you definitely can make her your best friend.

 

I have been hurt in the past, and I've come to feel that relationships kill friendships. With us right now, there's no real expectation, but if we were to get together then a brand new set of rules will be required and there will be certain expectations.

 

I really like this girl, but I think if I got into a relationship with her then we'd end up never talking again, like I do with most of my exs. And I just can't do that.