Do you feel loved? Do you believe you are loved?

[moimeme]

There is yet another discussion about porn going on. At the heart of it seems to be the inability of women to believe that their men actually do love and desire them.

 

Why?

 

Is it only women or do men also feel unloved?

 

If so, why?

 

How many 'if you *really* loved me, you would X' conditions do you have all set up for some person to have to meet?

 

How many actual humans have you met were able to fulfil all your 'if you really loved me, you would X' conditions?

(things which should be obvious like 'not sleep with someone else' don't count)

 

Do you have a list of 'if you *really* loved me you would X' conditions to hand to any potential mate so they'll know what they're expected to do? A job description of sorts.

 

Do you ever think that maybe saying 'if you really loved me you would (behave exactly as I think you should behave)' is not necessarily a reasonable way to go about life?

[Samson]

Is it only women or do men also feel unloved?

 

Surely this is a rhetorical question?

 

I like the questions, though:

 

Unconditional vs. Conditional is to

 

Romantic vs. (Unromantic?)

 

Does anyone love anyone else 100% of the time, and live on this earth? We're not talking about another world. Interestingly, we have diafied the trait of having unconditional love all the time as if it is only possible among the heavenly host. This leads me to believe it is human to love only part of the time, and therefore we should expect to be loved only part of the time by anyone.

 

Frankly I have not found anyone who has exceeded these expectations

[moimeme]

Samson quotes moimeme

quote:Is it only women or do men also feel unloved?

 

and asks

Surely this is a rhetorical question?

 

yes, but I posed it because I honestly think it doesn't occur to a lot of people that men also have feelings and need love. After all, it's not 'macho'

[johan]

Romantic love can be so possessive and controlling. As opposed to friendship love. I guess it's because romantic love is one-on-one and so idealized. We give up independence when we make someone else responsible for our own happiness.

 

Sometimes I think it would make things simpler if we could think of our lovers more like we think of our friends. I sometimes go for weeks without talking to friends, and it doesn't change the relationship. We don't really care. But with my girlfriend, going for a few hours can hurt and make us wonder what's wrong. With friends I can choose my lifestyle and do the things I want that make sense to me. With my girlfriend much of what she or I do has to be analyzed for it's implications on us. And if I don't do that analysis or if she doesn't, then we're accused of selfishness. I'm happy with my friends all the time, or else we just don't hang out. It's easy. My girlfriend and I are always negotiating stuff, we sometimes argue, we don't communicate as openly, and we hang out regardless. It's harder.

 

On the possessive and controlling level, neither of us feels loved all of the time. Sometimes it really hurts and makes us both doubt. On the friendship level, if we could isolate that, we're in great shape. It doesn't take more than a day for me to really start missing her when we're apart. And our expectations and disappointments are forgotten. I just wonder if we could really operate that way. Maybe we'd be a lot happier together if we treated each other like friends instead of possessions. Our expectations would be more reasonable and our disappointments would be a lot fewer.

 

The other side of the coin: friends come and go. Very few people have friends for life. VERY few people keep friends for a long time when they spend a lot of time with those friends. If you were to pick a friend and agree to be one and only friends for life, then the expectations would go up and probably so would the disappointment and conflict.

 

Interesting to note that lovers also come and go, and it's unusual to have one for life. It's not like all the expectations and idealism really change anything. Except we just suffer more.

 

I'm not willing to give up on monogamy. I just wish relationships weren't so heavy. When I was younger it was easier because we didn't have so much momentum in our lives. We conformed to each other better, but that was actually part of the problem.

[moimeme]

But with my girlfriend, going for a few hours can hurt and make us wonder what's wrong. With friends I can choose my lifestyle and do the things I want that make sense to me.

 

You used the word 'expectations' a number of times and I believe that's the key. We set up the model of our ideal mate, complete with sets of ideal behaviours. Then, when a real mortal who may have numerous excellent qualities fails to meet the standard we've set, we consider that person flawed and undesirable. Now, I'm not talking about something major like alcoholism or abuse. I mean the squeezing the toothpaste wrong sort of thing.

 

There is, of course, basic consideration. Nobody should allow the other person in his life to be the maid or do carry all the responsibilities in a relationship, but I think fairness is key - and fairness can allow for quite a bit where stringent expectations will not.

[Samson]

Hey, I used forms of the word "expect" twice in my post and still don't feel loved!

 

That's OK though, being a macho curmudgeon, I'd rather NOT FEEL THE LOVE!

[Thinkalot]

I do feel loved these days, most of the time...LOL! I have had much trouble believing that I was truly loved and desirable and wanted. Self esteem issues I suppose...coupled with expectations being too high, and a tendency to worry and ruminate.

 

I must say, that since I have started to heal from my OCD that our relationship feels deeper, more calm and whatnot. I mean we still fight and we can still be volatile, yet underneath that is the certainty that the love is real and true...that we really do love each other...warts and all . I no longer think he is going to leave me every time we have a barney.

 

As for the "if you loved me, you'd do....", well, I have been guilty of that, but with the help of a dear friend, who is also a counsellor, I managed to understand that is not always the case, and that what we expect can sometimes simply be too much...and also that differences between people, does not mean a lack of love, or have to be a threat. Usually, the "if u loved me you'd do....XX" has a flip side, and could be thrown back at us, with a"well if you loved ME, you would not ask me to do ..XX".

 

I am sensitive, and I like lots of reassurance. Sometimes when my guy is so busy at work, I don't get all that I would like. But rather than doubting his love, I simply try and stand in his shoes for a moment, and offer HIM more love...because at those stressful times I realise he needs it. His appreciation is obvious, and I then feel the love I desire.

 

It doesn't always work, and I don't always get it right...but when it does, the rewards are many.

[Pyrannaste]

Do I feel loved? no.

Do i believe I am loved? Yes, or at least I was until a couple of weeks ago.

Wait, again, I'm not sure.

 

Originally posted by moimeme

 

How many 'if you *really* loved me, you would X' conditions do you have all set up for some person to have to meet?

 

Very many.

 

How many actual humans have you met were able to fulfil all your 'if you really loved me, you would X' conditions?

 

All but very few ones.

 

(things which should be obvious like 'not sleep with someone else' don't count)

 

This is the real big problem: some things are obvious to some people and unreasonably silly to others.

 

what about getting naked in front of friends of the opposite sex?

kisses on lips to friends?

having sex with someone who is a different sex (male/female) from your partner?

 

To some people it is *obvious* that their partner should not look at porn.

To some people it is obvious that their partners should not have friends of the opposite sex.

To some people it is NOT obvious they can't have sex with other people

"you never told me that it would have been a problem if I had sex with other men than you".

 

Do you have a list of 'if you *really* loved me you would X' conditions to hand to any potential mate so they'll know what they're expected to do? A job description of sorts.

 

This is the very first thing I'm going to do in my next relationship.

I learnt that considering anything obvious is a mistake.

Anyway I'm not putting it in the form 'if you *really* loved me you would X', I'm using the "If you want to be with me, you have not to do X, because if you do X I'm going to be hurt and I might actually dump you".

What about "If you do X, even if you love me, I don't feel loved."?

And "if you do X, I might not love you anymore?" (hey, it can happen.)

 

Do you ever think that maybe saying 'if you really loved me you would (behave exactly as I think you should behave)' is not necessarily a reasonable way to go about life?

 

Not really.

 

BTW, men do that so called emotional blackmail too.

[Kat]

I know deep down that he loves me. I just feel second best to society, even though deep down I know I shouldn't

[moimeme]

And "if you do X, I might not love you anymore?" (hey, it can happen.)

 

I read about couples who have given each other lists of 'deal-breakers'. That way, both are clear on what may or may not be fatal to a relationship. I've also heard of people who make up 'I really hate it when people...' lists for each other so that one won't inadvertently trigger the other's pet peeves. Not a bad idea at all, really.

[Tony]

It's real nice to feel loved but the fact remains that the only person who can make us feel loved is ourselves. To depend on the actions of others for our value is insane. Others will love us sometimes, show it sometimes, ignore us sometimes and even hate us or be indifferent toward us at times.

 

Feeling loved by others is not nearly as important as feeling loved by ourselves. That's the only love we can depend on. Other's love for us is an ever-changing variable.

 

I don't think the love other people have for us or for any person has anything to do with their pathological preoccupation with pornography. This is an obsession and dysfunction that goes far beyond loving feelings they may have for another person, in my opinion.

[moimeme]

I don't think the love other people have for us or for any person has anything to do with their pathological preoccupation with pornography. This is an obsession and dysfunction that goes far beyond loving feelings they may have for another person, in my opinion.

 

So you don't think that if someone really felt loved they would cease fearing that their partner genuinely desires porn people?

 

It seems these women are all convinced beyond a shadow of doubt that their men prefer the porn ladies to themselves. They call it 'cheating'. To me, believing that someone loves you is incongruous with believing that person would cheat on you - no?

 

I'm particularly interested in the views of the anti-porn people who do consider it 'cheating'. Try as I might, I can't imagine myself inside that point of view.

 

["Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?" ]

[Samson]

Hijacked by porn discussions!

 

SIGH

[moimeme]

Hijacked by porn discussions!

 

Samson, if you'll read my original post, my questions were sparked by my attempt to get to the bottom of this porn issue. To reiterate:

 

Do you feel loved? Do you believe you are loved?

 

There is yet another discussion about porn going on. At the heart of it seems to be the inability of women to believe that their men actually do love and desire them.

 

And it's wrapped up, too, with the idea of conditional love. I added in the question about men feeling loved because I suffer from a nagging, constant impression that women do not think men have feelings i.e. that men are quite capable of love and fidelity.

 

I want to know if women who are losing it over their men's porn use are doing so because they don't feel loved and don't believe men actually love them. That men weigh in to say they have feelings is helpful, I think.

 

This is me testing - unscientifically - my theories. I don't like unsolvable problems or not having explanations for stuff. So add in your theories! Can we get to what's really the problem?

[Tony]

"So you don't think that if someone really felt loved they would cease fearing that their partner genuinely desires porn people?"

 

Speaking ONLY for myself personally, if I was roommates with someone...male or female....who had an addiction to porn that was so acute that I became aware of it I would move out immediately. I would feel very uncomfortable with anyone who had such an addiction and I would not take it personally.

 

If I were living with a female and learned she had an addiction to porn, I would not relate it to myself personally. Depending on the depth of my feelings for the person, I would either insist on their seeking counselling and support for recovery or I would terminate the relationship. I would do this not because I felt any less attractive or less of a man because someone I loved was so heavily into pornography. I would do it simply because I am very uncomfortable being around people who are obsessed with anything to that extent.

 

Love would not fit into my decision. If I felt they loved me more than life itself...and the feeling was mutual...if they would not seek treatment they would be history. I would still send them a Christmas Card (with naked reindeer on the front of it).

 

I do not hang around people just because I love them. I am there because they make me feel special and good. People who are into porn, drugs, other than social drinking, etc., do not make me feel good. I do not even consider people who smoke cigarettes, although I still love them, I don't ask them out and don't get near them for fear of secondary smoke.

 

I don't depend on other people to make me feel loved. That's a gift I give myself. If I find someone I love genuinely desires porn people, pot, cocaine, Jack Daniels, or any other mind altering substance or activity...either instead of me or in addition to me....they are history not even google will find. I will, however, remember them fondly.

[moimeme]

I would do it simply because I am very uncomfortable being around people who are obsessed with anything to that extent.

 

Totally agree and I'm the same. I should have clarified. The women I'm talking about are the ones whose partners delve into porn occasionally, not constantly. I don't mean addiction - that's a whole other story where we get into dopamine receptors and all that stuff.

 

In this instance, I'm referring to the women whose partners check out porn once in a while but the women still regard it as an egregious offense; any instance causes them huge quantities of distress.

[Pyrannaste]

Originally posted by moimeme

I've also heard of people who make up 'I really hate it when people...' lists for each other so that one won't inadvertently trigger the other's pet peeves. Not a bad idea at all, really.

 

I'd really love my partner to make up such a list for me.

But....how can you ask without sounding ridiculous?

Only time I tried to bring up the idea I sounded like I was joking

[Tony T]

"In this instance, I'm referring to the women whose partners check out porn once in a while but the women still regard it as an egregious offense; any instance causes them huge quantities of distress."

 

In my opinion, women who get upset over this type of thing would most likely be easily upset over lots of other things and be very insecure. This would mean both they and their partner had made bad choices. I don't see how a guy looking a naked women now and then could make a woman feel any less loved unless she was very immature or had other psychological or developmental issues. I hate it when that happens.

[Pyrannaste]

Originally posted by moimeme

I would do it simply because I am very uncomfortable being around people who are obsessed with anything to that extent.

 

Totally agree and I'm the same. I should have clarified. The women I'm talking about are the ones whose partners delve into porn occasionally, not constantly. I don't mean addiction - that's a whole other story where we get into dopamine receptors and all that stuff.

 

In this instance, I'm referring to the women whose partners check out porn once in a while but the women still regard it as an egregious offense; any instance causes them huge quantities of distress.

 

Moimeme, can I ask you a couple of opinions?

I was very impressed with the way you are not affected in any way with your man watching porn, I almost got to think you must belong to another world !

But then you write this post which makes me wonder a few things...

 

How much porn a day do you think makes a man an addicted?

My bf has a huge collection of porn pics (I think about 10000)on his pc, some porn clips, quite a lot of porn movies.

He does not spend a cent on it because he goes to the main page of a lot of different porn sites, watches the free preview pics (which change each other day) and downloads the one he likes best.

I once got the idea that he liked better looking for the pics than actually watching them later. Like this was a sort of hobby: collecting porn pics.

I don't know how much time a day he spends on the pc looking for porn, but I think about an hour a day....well each day he checks some site, sometimes for just a few minutes, sometimes for hours.

Does this make him an addicted?

Is this an habit?

I'm worried that this will begin to bother me if we ever get married and I'll age up. Now this is okay because we see only on weekends, and he treats me like I was so pretty as those chicks.

 

and, do you think it's okay if a girl has no problem with his man watching porn when she's not there but gets annoyed with him checking porn sites while she's at his place?

 

do you think it's controlling if one asks her bf to take off a porn screensaver from his pc?

 

Is it okay to ask not to comment at all on the girls if porn is being watched together?

 

I'd really love to know what your opinion is.

[moimeme]

I was very impressed with the way you are not affected in any way with your man watching porn, I almost got to think you must belong to another world !

 

You're not alone in that impression

 

My bf has a huge collection of porn pics (I think about 10000)on his pc,

 

How long has he been collecting this stuff?

 

I once got the idea that he liked better looking for the pics than actually watching them later. Like this was a sort of hobby: collecting porn pics.

 

I think it's more a stash for an occasion when the free ones might not be available LOL. I doubt people often go back to their collections.

 

I don't know how much time a day he spends on the pc looking for porn, but I think about an hour a day....well each day he checks some site, sometimes for just a few minutes, sometimes for hours.

Does this make him an addicted?

 

I'd say he's pretty close, if not there. One of the signs of addiction is if a person *has* to do the addicting thing, whatever that may be. If it is clearly a compulsion, then I'd start worrying.

 

I'm online a lot while I'm home and not too busy, but when I've had occasions to be away, I was quite fine without checking in for days.

 

If someone *has* to have a drink or *must* play a game or see a show on TV or something, then they are past doing something for pleasure and into the territory of addiction. Is he neglecting important things for this porn watching?

 

I'm worried that this will begin to bother me if we ever get married and I'll age up. Now this is okay because we see only on weekends, and he treats me like I was so pretty as those chicks.

 

Now that goes back to my original question - why? Do you genuinely believe he prefers them to you? If so, and theoretically you believe he loves you, then how can you believe he'd prefer them to you?

 

and, do you think it's okay if a girl has no problem with his man watching porn when she's not there but gets annoyed with him checking porn sites while she's at his place?

 

It would be a matter of how much time they've spent together, what's going on, and why he's doing it. If they've been visiting for days and she's busy with something else and for some reason she's not up for having sex and he's horny - well maybe. If she's only going to be there for a short while, hasn't anything to occupy herself for whatever reason, and they've not spent much quality time together, then that's different. Basically, if he is neglecting other important things, including his relationship, to do this, then again, it could be that it has become a compulsion rather than just something he does for fun once in a while.

 

do you think it's controlling if one asks her bf to take off a porn screensaver from his pc?

 

Yes. I think that one can tell her bf that it disturbs her and why and then hope that he will be sensitive enough to change it because it disturbs her, but that if she's not living with him and if the pc isn't visible to others who might be offended, and if he really doesn't see why anybody would be bothered by it, then she might have to accept that he has a right to decide what's on his personal computer. My SO once changed my screen on me (he had his own computer) and I was LIVID. To me, that was controlling behaviour - to make my pc conform to his taste. I didn't have a screensaver of a hunky guy or anything like that, but even if I had, he had no business changing it on me!

Is it okay to ask not to comment at all on the girls if porn is being watched together?

 

Again, the better way to go about things like this is to tell him how it makes you feel. However, a lot of people are not good at empathizing - if it would not bother them, they simply are unable to understand why it should bother you. This isn't not caring so much as it is being oblivious and a little lacking in empathy. Is this a hanging offense? It shouldn't be unless it's part of a larger pattern. Sometimes guys just don't get it is all.

[Pyrannaste]

Thank you very much, Moimeme, for replying.

You gave me quite a lot of things to think about, and it was very interesting/useful reading your opinion.

 

How long has he been collecting this stuff?

 

Well, he has been collecting it for years. He has more(at least other 10000, probably more than that) saved on disks.

 

I once got the idea that he liked better looking for the pics than actually watching them later. Like this was a sort of hobby: collecting porn pics.

 

I think it's more a stash for an occasion when the free ones might not be available LOL. I doubt people often go back to their collections.

 

Sounds logical and true! I never thought about it this way.

 

Is he neglecting important things for this porn watching?

 

I cannot really tell actually.

I'd have to live with him to get an idea, I guess.

Well, perhaps, it's already an answer: I can't notice any important things he's neglecting, so he probably isn't.

 

I'm worried tha this will begin to bother me if we ever get married and I'll age up. Now this is okay because we see only on weekends, and he treats me like I was so pretty as those chicks.

 

Now that goes back to my original question - why? Do you genuinely believe he prefers them to you? If so, and theoretically you believe he loves you, then how can you believe he'd prefer them to you?

 

I know he likes girls with very small breasts, curly hair-expecially red hair-, blue eyes and very pale complexion. I have small breasts but I have hair that is neither red nor curly and brown eyes.

It hurts when he'll make comments

"look, that she's a redhead, look at how beautiful is her complexion",

or

"how beautifully shaped is this one".

 

lately he's been commenting on every one redheaded he sees in tv just to joke, because he knows I am jealous…..which is okay, because if I can tell he's just joking/teasing me I don't mind! I loved it when he sent me the pic of a * very ugly* redhead he found on a porn site.

 

I guess that if he ever had told me that bullsh*t girls love to hear, "you are number one for me, they may be pretty but I'd never ever change you with one of them", it would be different.

 

Well, actually I once asked him "you'd not change me with them, whould you?" and he said that he couldn't tell, they might be beautiful but you first should get to know their personality.

Well, it was a honest and sensible and logical answer, but not really what I hoped to hear.

 

I once asked him if he'd rather have his ex than me, he said "no, she would cheat on me"(he was the OM) or tell me she has this strong personality, like she'd be "hard" to have as a GF.

Again, not really what I wanted to hear. That sort of things make me very insecure.

 

Also, often, I'd get online, we're both on msn messenger and he is very brief there(an "hi", and a couple emoticons) because he's busy with porn sites.

So perhaps they are not more important than me, but sometimes they are more important than talking to me.

Okay, he might just have nothing special to tell me . But I hate seeing he's ignoring me on msn messenger because he's looking at porn.

Well, I guess it would be worse if he didn't access the msn..... at least he's nice being there showing he's online.... but.... *insecure look*.

 

 

Basically, if he is neglecting other important things, including his relationship, to do this, then again, it could be that it has become a compulsion rather than just something he does for fun once in a while.

 

Well, I guess this is what exactly is really worrying me, in case we ever get to live together.

That he'll take away time from the relationship to watch porn.

(Don't laugh at this but I picture myself getting back home and finding him at the pc, and him being annoyed that I'm back so early because he'd rather be alone at home and watch porn.

It's very irrational I suppose.)

 

It is annoying enough to see him (rarely, but it happens) go to the pc and start surfing a porn site when we've just had sex. But it's fair to add that when I'm at his place he'd not spend more than 5-10 minutes there.

 

Yes. I think that one can tell her bf that it disturbs her and why and then hope that he will be sensitive enough to change it because it disturbs her, but that if she's not living with him and if the pc isn't visible to others who might be offended, and if he really doesn't see why anybody would be bothered by it, then she might have to accept that he has a right to decide what's on his personal computer.

 

Er, I just realized I wrote screen-saver instead of desktop. Sorry about that.

I think you are right but…..what about asking to take off that desktop image while I'm at his place?

He once got on his desktop this pic of a nude beautiful girl at a swimming pool, it annoyed me having to see it and asked him to remove it while was in his house.

 

Is it okay to ask not to comment at all on the girls if porn is being watched together?

Is this a hanging offense? It shouldn't be unless it's part of a larger pattern.

 

I realized I get very angry at him commenting on other girls (even if just playfully) ONLY when I have other more serious jealousy issues. If we haven't been arguing about some 3-dimensional, *real* female friend of his lately, comments don't hurt me.

 

thanks again for your reply, really.

[moimeme]

I realized I get very angry at him commenting on other girls (even if just playfully) ONLY when I have other more serious jealousy issues. If we haven't been arguing about some 3-dimensional, *real* female friend of his lately, comments don't hurt me.

 

That's understandable and it does seem as though he's not really given you a ringing endorsement in that he said he might switch you for one of his redheads if the redhead was nice

 

This one's just a bf, right? As in not a fiancé? How long have you been going out and how serious are you both?

I think I'm hearing that this may be more a question of how committed he is to you than about the porn itself. Which is the other theory about porn; that anger over porn is a symptom that something else is going on in a relationship.

 

what about asking to take off that desktop image while I'm at his place?

 

Depends how you ask. Put yourself in the place of the person being asked. It is hard to not sound controlling when you are asking someone to change something you don't happen to like. Like I said, explain to him how it makes you feel, and perhaps tell him how much better you'd feel if it weren't there, but then it's up to him to make the final decision.

[Pyrannaste]

That's understandable and it does seem as though he's not really given you a ringing endorsement in that he said he might switch you for one of his redheads if the redhead was nice

 

Thanks a million for saying so :)

 

This one's just a bf, right? As in not a fiancé? How long have you been going out and how serious are you both?

 

Er.... yes. Er...actually, we are even risking breaking up.

I posted about it a few days ago

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t38394/

 

but it is a complicated story, i guess.

We have being going out for almost three years, and I'd be quite serious.

I really wish I knew how serious he is. Or he was, since I guess he can't be very serious now that we are considering breaking up and we have to talk about it.

 

Which is the other theory about porn; that anger over porn is a symptom that something else is going on in a relationship.

 

I'm really beginning to be a follower of that theory.

[shortbus74]

I really think that when women catch their men with the "porn collection" it comes down to inner insecurities that they have within... (the self doubt of what if he really wants that girl instead of me)

 

My husband likes porn and I am okay with that........at times............. I get annoyed when I am having a bad day and he makes comments about another woman... (hey look at me damn it! I am having a bad day and want some attention) He goes to strip clubs... and that is okay at times........ I get annoyed when he talks like the strippers are friends ( I really do not want to hear how wonderful her personality is) He flirts with other women and again, I do not have a problem with that..........at times.........(annoyed when we go out and he is talking to the "bitch behind the bar I do not know her.......and smiling!!") I am insecure at times and I admit it!

 

MY POINT..............

 

1. Women are taught at a early age that porn is BAD!

2. Women are taught that sex in general is BAD! (If you stray from anything but missionary position you are a slut)

3. Men like porn, it is not the women, it is the sex they are watching (voyerism)

4. Men may "perfer" a type of woman...But if he is with you...he is with you for a REASON....(like,love,lust)

5. Men are just overgrown boys...... (sorry had to add that one)

6. (for the guys) Women need reassurance....Always tell your loved one how much you love her and how she is the apple of your eye...

7. Little things you do go a long way!

 

 

I learned a long time ago that if someone is going to cheat on you they are going to do it... It has nothing to do with porn or strippers....

The cheater is feeling like they are lacking something in their life,

You can not control another person and make them say or do what you want.. They will do what they want...

 

I believe that my husband would never cheat on me... and if he, I would move on... (as he suffered a slow death from the fury within me for betraying me)

 

Besides you ever seen a porn star out of makeup *hehe*

[Thinkalot]

If I may diverge off the porn subject for a moment...

 

Speaking about whether or not men sometimes feel unloved or insecure, and that we women don't realise it or pay attention- well, yes, I think that happens.

 

Sometimes I will say to my guy, "I wish you'd say more loving comments to me more often, I love to hear them".

Then, he will start being more vocal about his love, and I feel happy. Then I will say to him, " I really love you so much you know"...and he'll say back "Really?! Oh it's so nice to hear you say it, you haven't said it for as while".

 

Suddenly I realise that I have been so busy noticing what HE says to ME, that sometimes I neglect what I say to HIM! And that he notices!

 

So, it can swing both ways, even though I do think women seem to be more insecure, or more prone to vocalise their insecurities anyway!

 

Luckily, my guy and I are normally very affectionate with each other, say "I love you" a lot anyway, and rarely let it slip.