Love u but not in love. Just a phase, or what?

[luvbun80]

What is the deal with that, is it normal to lose the in-love feeling after the years, or can you re-kindle.

 

I love my wife, care about her, want her to be happy etc. But at the same time I look at her and think we don't belong together & I would do better on my own.

 

She's very loving now. We just went through some cold years, where I feel I gradually lost my feelings. Of course, I should have talked to her earlier about it, by now maybe too much water has gone under the bridge.

 

She is 18y older than me. Never was an issue before but now I am fixating over it. I used to gloss over whatever differences we had, now they always stick out. I guess in a way I feel, I should release her while she still has time, rather than hold on and have it be a huge resentment once she is 70. It was easier when I was in my 20s and did not think that far ahead lol. I feel ashamed of being so shallow. Then resent her for making me feel ashamed. Also, she had kids (long moved out), I didn't, now I feel I am missing out.

 

Finally, I had a brief emotional affair a month ago. Never got physical, but the passion & connection were so intense that they emphasized what I was missing in my marriage. Wife says she has forgiven me but in a way I cant forgive myself and the ease with which I lied to her.

 

We went to a session of MC, which did a little bit of good in term of learning to resolve our arguments without fighting, but not deeper than that. Did not talk about the age difference though. I talked about most of the above to my wife, she is crushed & depressed though she says she still loves me. IDK whether to go to individual therapy or even psychiatry to resolve the shame & depression, or just call it quit, or stick it out and try to get the lovey stuff back.

[reboot]

Over the course of your life, you can fall in and out of love many times. This is normal.

 

But.... It doesn't have to be with different people. Let me rewrite the original sentence.

 

Over the course of a long marriage, you can fall in and out of love many times.

[TigerCub]

Hey Luvbun,

 

From what I've heard - it is normal to fall in out of love with the person that you've been with for a long time. By that I mean (from what I understand) is that although love is always there, the "in love" feeling comes and goes.

 

You say that you guys went through some "cold years" do you know what caused that?

 

Having an emotional affair makes the AP seem so exciting and makes you think that you're missing out on so much with your choice (the person you're married to) - but affairs are a fantasy - the AP isn't as perfect as you think.

 

What made you fall in love with and marry your wife? If you think on that and see that its mostly still there, maybe you can focus more on those good things and try to get past your resentment.

If you can't, then maybe you should leave.

 

But there has to be something about your wife that made you feel and believe that you loved her and that she was the one for you - some of that has to still exist somewhere.

 

You can't fault her for her age, and as for kids, well no having them, must have been your choice as well at the time. Try talking to her, and try finding what it was that made her special.

[luvbun80]

Well, I think that part is easy, when we got together, I was fresh out of college, we had no car & no money, spent the day playing computer games and walking places.

 

Now, I work a lot, and I like it, got the 6 figures, the house & the 2 cars, I'm ambitious, or greedy, depending how you look at it. She still spends the day playing computer games. She is an awesome cook, and keeps a clean house, just something she "has to do" though, by her own admission, she would rather hire a maid and get more time to play. Basically, I see no drive in her to better herself & grow. So I look at her with a different system of values than I used to, and where I used to see a friendly, honest, fun-loving person, I now see a loser, and it disgusts me.

 

I know it's cold, and hard, and shallow; I know she is still the same, and I'm the one who changed; I'm trying to see things in a different light, but it's hard when core values seem at odds, you know?

[TigerCub]

Well, I think that part is easy, when we got together, I was fresh out of college, we had no car & no money, spent the day playing computer games and walking places.

 

Now, I work a lot, and I like it, got the 6 figures, the house & the 2 cars, I'm ambitious, or greedy, depending how you look at it. She still spends the day playing computer games. She is an awesome cook, and keeps a clean house, just something she "has to do" though, by her own admission, she would rather hire a maid and get more time to play. Basically, I see no drive in her to better herself & grow. So I look at her with a different system of values than I used to, and where I used to see a friendly, honest, fun-loving person, I now see a loser, and it disgusts me.

 

I know it's cold, and hard, and shallow; I know she is still the same, and I'm the one who changed; I'm trying to see things in a different light, but it's hard when core values seem at odds, you know?

 

I understand that you're the one changing and things don't match now, but the things you mentioned have actually nothing to do with her age.

 

So she plays computer games all day? Does she not have a job?

 

She cooks for you and keeps a clean home - that is really good, its effort.

I'm not a fan of daily cleaning, and if I could afford it, I'd get a maid too. But I do it when I should - it sucks but I do it, so I understand where your wife is coming from

 

Also, do you help her around the house at all?

 

Look, LuvBun, I'm just being honest here. Whatever you do with your life, really doesn't affect mine, so I'm telling you what I see objectively, and I do think that you're seeing more of your wife's flaws because you are looking for something to justify your A.

 

You need to ask yourself honestly, are you seeing these things because they truly are there and make you unhappy or is it to justify leaving her for someone else.

 

Also, you mentioned that you had MC with your wife, do you not tell her anything you're honestly thinking? Does she know how you feel about her lack of ambition? Do you ever suggest courses, or activities she can do on her own to grow?

 

You're supposed to be a team, are you helping your team mate by telling her what's really wrong and ways to fix it, or are you just gonna put her on the bench and replace her?

 

I'm really not judging you, we all have needs and we should all be happy, but do you honestly think that you've done all you can to make you W understand what's wrong, and if she can fix it?

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm not "ageist" but an 18 year difference is really major. Easy to conceive that the two of you are in completely different phases of your lives. Her "contentment" to remain as she is vs. your drive to "better" yourself or to achieve are probably expressions of that.

 

I do agree with TC that you may be fault finding to justify your EA, but you really need to either work on your marriage (one session of MC barely even counts; you'll both need to make a commitment to it) or say goodbye without any more indiscretions to muddy the waters.

[visualbasicide]

Love is just a word man, to describe a feeling we get when people do things that make us feel good. Everyone on the planet has this ability. And as previously stated, you can find it and lose it many times with anyone, the only thing any extramarital relationship has to offer is a newness, which a lot of times turns out to be as shallow as it sounds.

 

Generally one (and most likely both) are or are not doing these things for each other. Your resentment statement being an example, people get into habits and after a while everyone just starts reacting to one another based on body language and tone instead of listening to each other like they used to. You both should go to counseling to figure out what changed along the way to make these feelings come up, I do understand the thoughts and feelings on the road less traveled retrospective view of things, everyone wonders at times.

 

They key is getting out of the current repetition of emotions, thoughts and actions and back into the ones you had before this started, some current complacency that one or both of you are doing that has put you in the spiral that led you to where you are.

 

Talk about how you REALLY feel in counseling too, stay in MC and IC as well, because some part of the current game plan obviously isn't working. If you need help thinking outside the box, check out "love is a verb" or "5 love languages", lots of stuff in there that shines the light on how we all relate to one another and how we tend to make assumptions about our significant others that lead to a stagnant marriage, communication problems, and then eventually (if not addressed) affairs and/or divorce. I'm not saying they have all the answers but by reading it I saw how my own relationship deteriorated and how it could have been salvaged had I known these things sooner.

 

Just my two cents anyway, lol. Best of luck.

[visualbasicide]

"Love is a verb"

http://www.alibris.com/booksearch?keyword=love+is+a+verb&mtype=B&hs.x=0&hs.y=0

 

"5 love languages"

http://www.alibris.com/booksearch?keyword=5+love+languages&mtype=B&hs.x=0&hs.y=0

 

Sorry, forgot to mention they were books...

[luvbun80]

Look, LuvBun, I'm just being honest here. Whatever you do with your life, really doesn't affect mine, so I'm telling you what I see objectively, and I do think that you're seeing more of your wife's flaws because you are looking for something to justify your A.

 

You need to ask yourself honestly, are you seeing these things because they truly are there and make you unhappy or is it to justify leaving her for someone else.

 

TC, thank you for the input, it gave me a bit to think about. Yes, she is doing a very good job of the housewife stuff, & I should be more respectful of that. And probably what she does in her free time does not really have to be any of my business, no matter how desperately mindless it seems to me. I suppose it could just as well be shoe shopping, which would likely be pricier Somehow though I feel it would be easier to swallow if she blew $100 on a pair of shoes rather than on a pink cow on farmville.

 

I don't really understand the quoted part, about finding things to justify leaving. That sounds like a bit of a chicken & egg problem to me, and I am not much of a philosopher. What did you mean by it?

 

Anyway, yes, we have not pursued the MC as it seemed like more of a personal problem. Her stance is that my negative outlook is possibly caused by depression. Well, I certainly don't feel depressed, but I'm willing to explore all avenues. TBH I thought the MC was an idiot & a charlatan, so it kinda made me frustrated to keep looking.

Edited September 10, 2011 by luvbun80

[visualbasicide]

Depression isn't always the abrupt blunt thing we think it is, sometimes it's a slow sneaky little guy that ninja's it's way into our lives. If she got a part time job ould it make these feelings different? Seems like at some point you two agreed on the status quo.

 

You mentioned above that at felt like you were seeing yourself as shallow and resent her for you feeling this way. This hint's at some underlying issues and has a little blame shifting to it, if she doesn't directly do things to make you feel this way then it has happened indirectly, which seems maybe more of a communication problem, by this I don't mean just words either, people communicate in lots of ways. I am inclined to agree with the MC approach, going once is like taking one college course and proclaiming yourself a physicist.

 

Has the romance died out? Possibly so, since people who have it tend to not look elsewhere for it. All this needs to be addressed with MC, and possibly IC. The "personal problems" you have stated are a ticking time bomb, it's a personal problem if you are single, it's a marital/relationship problem if you are not, since the other person is affected by it as well. There isn't anything personal (self) about relationships, which was why we formed them to begin with. If you don't like the counselor you found, find a different one, they seems to be all over the place, many churches also offer counseling. Look around and exhaust more of your options. Doing nothing or not changing things won't make it any better and over time it'll get a lot worse.

[TigerCub]

TC, thank you for the input, it gave me a bit to think about. Yes, she is doing a very good job of the housewife stuff, & I should be more respectful of that. And probably what she does in her free time does not really have to be any of my business, no matter how desperately mindless it seems to me. I suppose it could just as well be shoe shopping, which would likely be pricier Somehow though I feel it would be easier to swallow if she blew $100 on a pair of shoes rather than on a pink cow on farmville.

Oh my yes!! I completely agree with that part in bold. I'm not one for the virtual online games and stuff so I don't get the concept of blowing real money to buy virtual ****. I totally don't get that one, so I'm with on that

I'd much rather have the $100 real shoes

 

I don't really understand the quoted part, about finding things to justify leaving. That sounds like a bit of a chicken & egg problem to me, and I am not much of a philosopher. What did you mean by it?

What I meant by it comes from this:

 

Its pretty much understood that people who are in affairs start to compare their affair partner to their spouse. They find all the great things about the AP and start to resent the BS for not having such qualitites.

Also, some MPs try to find more fault with the BS to justify being in the A (which they know must hurt their BS) - but by finding faults in the BS, it builds resentment and it strengthens the drive to cheat on them without so much guilt.

 

Later down the line, if they ever contemplated leaving the BS - I think some MPs don't want to think that they're leaving someone that was so good to them, that didn't deserve to be hurt, so they magnify the BS's flaws to make cheating on them and then leaving them ok.

 

I'm not saying you're doing that, I was just posing the question to get you thinking about it and being honest with yourself with regards to are you doing that or not.

 

Anyway, yes, we have not pursued the MC as it seemed like more of a personal problem. Her stance is that my negative outlook is possibly caused by depression. Well, I certainly don't feel depressed, but I'm willing to explore all avenues. TBH I thought the MC was an idiot & a charlatan, so it kinda made me frustrated to keep looking.

Well I've been to therapy before and I do know what its like to not be with the right therapist - some just have different styles, some you don't feel so comfortable opening up to. Just look around, try someone else. If you don't have a therapist that fits, then I can see why you wouldn't want to go - find someone else.

 

As for the depression - well, I dunno about that one, if you're not depressed, don't let your wife diagnose you and by doing so take all the focus off the problems you have with her.

 

You should see a therapist on your own and see if they think you're depressed or not. Then go from there.

 

There are real issues and problems between you and your wife, so don't let her brush them all under the depression rug - they need to be talked about if there is any hope of you 2 working towards a happy marriage.

 

Good luck

[Toodamnpragmatic]

as usually the "Love you, not in love with you" is the woman's line.

 

What struck me and is all that I see is that a cougar caught a cub, and now he realizes she's 18 years older then him.....

[luvbun80]

Am I the only one who thinks they need to talk about how the age difference is affecting/bothering OP? Regardless of how it seems or feels to the wife? It may be hurtful, but to go to MC and ignore something that OP seems to think is an issue is an absolute folly...

 

Good luck!

 

Probably. Everything seems to circle back to that. I guess we had more pressing issues at the time. I've brought it up several times between us but having someone to mediate would help, the problem with a lot of our discussions is she has a very strong personality and a categorical, black vs white attitude, I am a lot softer, analytical, and tend to look for the shades of gray, so she has an easy time influencing me (in particular her answer to that issue is "it's only a problem if you let it bother you")

 

Anyway, when I look at the age difference situation, I think it is really a commitment issue, subconsciously when I married I believe I felt it was not a lifetime commitment, by law of nature. Now that I long for a full commitment I am stuck in this sort of "half-commitment". But not sure how to either detangle that, or just learn to accept the situation as it is.

[luvbun80]

I left for the AP.

 

Can't believe what I have been missing for the past 10 years. Wow. That is all.

[Afishwithabike]

I don't think I've posted in a thread you started, but I've followed you since your provocative thread title about divorcing if no BJs.

 

How long have you had the affair? Is it a colleague?

 

So how did your wife take the news?

 

Are you planning to divorce?

[Baroness67]

This is one of those threads where I'm going to bite my tongue, but I will say I found it rather interesting that the OP's description of himself at the time he married his wife to be more than a little similar to the reasons why he is now finding fault with his wife.

 

I would venture that the support his wife gave him over all these years contributed significantly to his ability to succeed. Hope the sex and takeout are all the OP wishes them to be.

[luvbun80]

I don't think I've posted in a thread you started, but I've followed you since your provocative thread title about divorcing if no BJs.

 

How long have you had the affair? Is it a colleague?

 

So how did your wife take the news?

 

Are you planning to divorce?

 

Yup, it was an eye opener, because once sex was no longer a focal point, I realized the rest of the marriage pretty much sucked too (not saying either one of us was responsible for that - it was just a mismatch). So bad sex was symptom rather than cause.

 

I won't answer the questions, because that's really none of your business. But thought it would be useful to have a conclusion to the whole deal, if someone was in a similar situation. I'll come back here and post an update, if I ever have regrets. Otherwise feel free to assume it's happy ever after.

[reboot]

I won't answer the questions, because that's really none of your business.

 

Well obviously nothing about your life is any of our "business". That said, what is the point of coming here seeking advise if you aren't willing to share your "business"? Did you actually want helpful advice or just someone to rub your tummy?