Space, Man - What is this "needing space" stuff all about?

[oscaroc]

I really don't know if I understood what she meant. She may be taking it one day at a time like me and just going wiith the flow. I have been thinking about it during this time and i just assumed she had been to. I realize she needs her time to do this but i am scared that iam the fool waiting around just to eventually get dumped on my face. I am trying to understand what is going on with her and it seems that she isn't caring what is going on with me. I guess that isn't what we are supposed to be doing with our space is it?

 

 

My wife will be 25 this year and i will be 31. She is very much a dependant person and has always had a man in her life to help her out. She has a hard time dealing with everyday adult chores like paying bills and she doesn't handle stress well and becomes overwhelmed by things and gives up. She is emotionally immature is the best way I can sum it up.

 

I did tell her that I was going to retain an attorney, and I maybe shouldn't have said that because she needs more time but I feel that i need a conclusion. I do fine for the most part being apart but when i see her i just want an end to it. I just give up on her. I don't know if it is worth it. I don't know if i am strongenough to go six months or a year. I feel she needs to feel some pressure to let her know i am really serious aabout this.

 

Our marriage was great in the begining and about a year and a half ago she betrayed my trust and it has been very hard for me to gain that back and i don't know if i ever will and that my fault for not letting go. On the other hand i feel she hasn't given me anyhting back to tell me she is sorry or regrets it. She has done htis several times now and each time i feel like i have to tighten the reigns on her so in effect i become possesive of her .that is how she feels is that i am possesive and won't let her have her freedom. I have tried to trust her but i can't. Before all this happpend i was always alright with her going out with friends and staying the night places and doing anything she wanted i would do things to and i appreciated it as i am sure she didi to. But that rust has been betrayed know.

 

What if she never finds answers? Why should I wait for someone to let me know when i can get on with my life again?

[CurlyIam]

Originally posted by oscaroc

Our marriage was great in the begining and about a year and a half ago she betrayed my trust and it has been very hard for me to gain that back and i don't know if i ever will and that my fault for not letting go.

 

She spent her 20's with you. People grow, they evolve, they change. They do it all the time, but the younger they are, the bigger the chances of doing stupid, reckless things. It happens! She should have known better, but nothing teaches us better than experience.

 

On the other hand i feel she hasn't given me anyhting back to tell me she is sorry or regrets it.

 

Maybe she thinks she was intitled to, that it was her right, that she was so badly hurt by you that... did you analyse this? Things hidden under the carpet always always came back to haunt you. You don't seem to talk enough, you don't seem to be connected. Most importantly, Oscar, you don't seem to have forgiven her! It will never in a million years work if you don't forgive her.

 

She has done htis several times now and each time i feel like i have to tighten the reigns on her so in effect i become possesive of her .that is how she feels is that i am possesive and won't let her have her freedom. I have tried to trust her but i can't. Before all this happpend i was always alright with her going out with friends and staying the night places and doing anything she wanted i would do things to and i appreciated it as i am sure she didi to. But that rust has been betrayed know.

 

And in order to forgive her, you should start to understand why she was tempted. What she went through, why she was weak. And start with your part of the problem. I've never seen relationships with only one "guilty" party. IT's like when trying to find out the truth: it's somewhere in the middle. Look at how you let her down. Then see if you can accept her betrayal and if you can trust her again. You haven't fogiven her, didn't accept her moment of weakness and don't trust her.

 

I know it's hard, you may find it not fair as she puts you in so much pain right now and I'm asking you to admit you did something wrong!!! But if you want to actually solve this, to me, it's the only way.

 

What if she never finds answers? Why should I wait for someone to let me know when i can get on with my life again?

 

This is your not accepting, not forgiving and not trusting! Because you don't understand what happened the first time. If you did, (let's say you niggected her, she started being even more nagging phoning you and calling for your attention and therefore you rejected her; she felt badly, in need of rassurance, looking for a shoulder to cry on and let you down) you'd see where you did wrong. You'd know and you'd avoid making the same mistakes. You would have faith in her because you know you changed, you'd avoid whatever you did or did not do and you'd be ok with her going out without you because you know you've solved all your problems.

 

I know, it's silly, as you are married and she should know she's the most important person in your life, but there's this big difference between what you feel and what you think you know. People change, Oscar... she was afraid you changed too and maybe didn't love her the same... dependent people hate being left, that's why they're the one that want to leave first. and usually they don't have good reasons for doing so

 

I haven't been very clear or coherent... Think about it and ask her details, even if you hate talking about it. At least you'll understand!

 

Just don't give up on her! Everybody gives up, you be strong and try to save this. Make active efforts to make it work. Invite her to have dinner just like you used to when you were still dating. Buy her flowers, make her fall in love with you.

 

It's not her friends and going out you worry, it's your relationship! Try to bring some fresh air after having figured everything out! One has to make bigger efforts to save this marriage. I say you do this, because if you don't do it for your wife, who will you do it for?

 

Giving up is a valid choice. MAny people take it. It also happenes to be the easiest!

[oscaroc]

Your right, She has mentioned on several occasions that i neglecte her of some of things she needs, But has never really come out and said what they were. Just in the case of kissing her ex because I don't french kiss her enough but i really didn't think that was a legitimate excuse at the time because i was hurt. It's hard to figure out what she needs because we don't communicate well anymore. I would be willing to forgive if I knew a way how to. I would be willing to understand and provide the things she needs so she knows i love her but i apperantly don't know how! always thought i was doing things to show her you know. Men and women are very different as to what they value. Men, if they marry someone they just know they love them no matter what they just know this. Women on the other hand i think have to be constantly validating their relationship. It's a fact that women think about their relationship 80% of the day were men think about it 20% of the day and i think that is high.

 

If I am at fault for anyhting else I honestly have no idea what it could be. So why i ask has it come to this point of no return it feels? On one side i have people telling me to leave her alone and let her do her thing and on the other side they say to communicate with her. In my heart i think we need to communicate after we both have had some more time alone. and then maybe we will know alittle mre about ourselves and be able to solve problems. I don't know where to start and i don't know how to let her know that I want to work through this and be happy together. Most of all I want her to beleive me when I say I forgive her i mean it and i do want to forgive her.

[CurlyIam]

You want for her to believe that you forgave her, but in fact you're not sure you did. Women feel things.We can tell! At least I can.

 

It is us who make babies! Is is us who end up raising them! It's in our nature to make sure the male is there for us! That's why we are so much more attentive to our relationship. I'm not gonna start with discrimination at the place of work, with the sacrifices women make more (starting with the money we spend just to be "jolie" ending up with having to stand periods!). Then I believe we have a much greater satisfaction from having a good relationship than from having great professional accomplishments. Don't get me wrong, I'd kill for my professional success, but I attach much more value and importance to a wonderful relationship. So men and women attach differnent importance to marriage and prioritise things differently. Different mental or/and emotional structure!

 

To you - men - I start to believe that marriage is like a check list: "get married": checked! What else is new? This is not how it works.

 

The point of no return... My friend, you're looking at it! "I don't know", "I'm not quite sure", "I'm confused" is NO. At least If you were a woman, this is what it would mean. I believe if you want something you go and get it. What's so hard ?

 

She's taking her time, neglecting you and your needs, you're disoriented and trying to move on, without letting go of the past. None of you makes any compromise. Plus, you - the two of you - are communicating badly. It's like a disaster waiting to happen.

 

Murphy's law: things left unattended end up badly (or something like that). I'd keep my eyes soooo opened... By the way, I don't think I've asked you, but what do you want? What are your plans? What's your best case scenario, what's your worst case scenario?

[oscaroc]

I don't want her to beleive i forgive her if i haven't, ireally do want to forgive her. I'm not trying to say no all the time i think it is my natural instinct to defend myself and what i love.

 

What i want is to have the happiness we once had and meet each others needs.

My plan is to try and wait things out and see what progress we have made she wants to do dates and things like that so that tells me she is willing. and i don't want to abandon her like she has made me feel abandoned.

 

My best case scenario would be reconciliation and happy ever after is that realistic? I don't know worse case scenario would be never to see my child or her again.

[CurlyIam]

You have a baby!! Wow!

 

I think you have the right approach on this: you gave her space, you paid attention to wht she wanted, you made sure she knew what you wanted, what she stands to loose.

 

It's ok to have doubts, to worry, just don't give too much importance to disturbing details. My opinion: focuss on the big picture and on you child. I'm sure you'll be alright !

[oscaroc]

Man this is hard, we have been seperated a month now and she still is dead set on just giving up the marriage. I have asked her if their is any glimmer of hope and she says "no, If the seperation keeps going the way its going". She doesn't want to be with someone that is depressed. And i told her the only time i get depressed is when i see her. It doesn't help the situation.

 

I am trying so hard to be upbeat around her its just hard. Is there anyone that has some insight on this subject that can give me advice. I don't know what to do. She wanted time to herself but it seems like there is no progress either way. I don't bother her talk or anything so I don't know why she hasn't made any progress. She told me that i could have been a rebound from her last relationship??? Help.

[CurlyIam]

Sorry, Oscar, can't help you here! before deciding to leave my ex I was going through some very hard time and when I finally did made up my mind, that was it! Nothing to talk about or discuss!

 

Hope LS will help you!