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Well, I got it.......


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My story is not that different than so many others on here (although of course it felt very unique at the time). When you get PM privileges feel free to pm me and I will elaborate but its not worth repeating on the boards after all these years.

 

He finds any reason he can to ask me anything. From do you think the banks will be closed on July 4th (well not that basic but you get the drift), are you in town (who wants to know, will I see you in y (again who cares), do you want to be invited to z. He tries to create opportunities to see me. We used to work closely together we dont anymore so he has to try harder to find reasons to contact me.

 

The bottom line is that he needs to be in contact with me on some level. If he didnt he wouldnt still contact me. But his need to be in contact with me is not so great that he needs to have a real future with me as his wife.

 

Otherwise he would be calling me telling me Ive filed for divorce I love you etc etc And that is not what he is saying. So its tant pis (or to be more precies meaning who gives a flying f:eek:)

 

The bottom line is actions actions actions. Someone very wise used to say to me jj why do you listen to these men. Dont listen to them. I didnt get it til I had the A. The meaning is dont listen to words listen to actions.

 

It doesnt matter if you are madly in love, it doesnt matter if you are together all the time out in public (may just mean he wants to get caught and have hte decision taken away from him), none of it matters without the right actions.

 

And you arent getting the right actions. Might you someday? maybe. But he isnt there yet. Right actions dont mean calling and begging you to let him off the hook with that guilt trip.

 

I have to tell you if I had been in the hospital and he HADNT come to see me I would have blocked every means of contact business be damned.

 

You should be angry and grateful. Angry that he has the balls to contact you with such a Sh*t apology and grateful that he didnt come to you in the hospital no matter what. And if he didnt why is he contacting you now.

 

Might he change? sure. He may have suffer the emotional equivalent of being struck by lightninig, realize hes been a total azzclown and life is short and if he loves you so much he should be with you. It happens. But I wouldnt sit and wait and wonder. Nothing YOu can do will make it happen. Its something people come to on their own.

 

There is also the fact that you have something going on with his W. She deserves consideration. In my mind, its very very bad form and bad karma to keep this sort of thing going when the W is involved. That puts you on the pond scum level if you are helping to gaslight her. I mean really would you want someone to do that to you? No you wouldnt.

 

She knows. She has been harrassing you to the point that you had to hire a lawyer, so wtf is he doing. This azzclown is COSTING you money. HE hasnt hired a lawyer to keep your people away from him has he. No he feels oh so guilty boo hoo hoo for him.

 

You sound like a great woman. You deserve to be treated like a princess not guilted by some szzclown whose W is harrassing you (and 99% of the time she wouldnt be if he was standing up and doing whatever he had to do to make things right with her either by leaving or really working on his marriage).

 

And if he is really married to such a psycno that she would harrass you, then why is he still there.

 

Its so easy when you are in the thick of it to make excuses for every little thing. And so hard to say he just didnt want to be with me enough to make the break. To suffer the costs.

 

But people divorce every day. This isnt Ireland in the 1950s where it was so hard to get a divorce. This isnt even America in the 1950s where there was such a stigma to getting a divorce. Divorce should be difficult. Marriages are contracts that are entered into for a lifetime, subject to divorce. But its not that hard or the divorce rate wouldnt be so high.

 

The further I am from the relationship the easier it is to say he just wasnt that into me. Yes he is nearing retirement, no he didnt want to lose assets or status, blah blah blah list all the reasons. But the bottom line is if he really wanted out many many people divorce and he simply didnt want out badly enough.

 

Sometimes you see people posting on here years later saying he left. So its not impossible. But again I wouldnt hold my breath. Life is short and you dont want to spend it waiting for him to get over his azzclown phase.

 

 

AMEN!!!! You are so right!!!

 

I know he will not change.....EVER. I didn't want him to come to the hospital, if I had, I would have gotten ahold of him and told him I was there.

 

And I agree a half-ass apology, that wasn't even that. It was him making his typical excuses for his ill behavior.

 

Might he leave at some point? yes, and I might win the lottery. but as I've told him OVER AND OVER again, I will never win the lottery if I don't buy a ticket. He will never get a divorce if he doesn't start owning his actions and doing things to go in that direction.

 

As far as his W, is she a physco? yes. Was she before? yes. Did he make her worse? yes. He used her actions to show me how incredibly hard she was to deal with and why he felt stuck. And for years I bought it, but IF you are really tired of it, you change it. PERIOD. He chooses to stay in that insanity, thats his choice. She can't control him to the point that he won't stop cheating, but she can control him to the point that he can't leave. Does that make sense? NO! The fact is they both enjoy this game. I know she doesn't like him cheating, but I think she likes the drama. I've always wondered how the will fare with me out of the pic. Will the mundane life not be enough for him? She won't be able to chase and do the things that seriously, I know she gets off on. He played both of us agaisnt each other, and made it where I was chasing him and she was chasing him, and it was nothing but a bunch of cowardly bull ****. He has never come clean with her. And at one point when she followed me, we sat and had a two hour convo. I told her things, and she didn't believe me. She just kept telling me how great their M was.... I said then why do you spend most of your day following me???? If its so great???? that is when I realize how incredibly f'd up this was. You just have no idea, I could sit her and write for hours of all the things this woman has done. Even went as far as to come to my house (which she has done several times) when I was out of town and went in my back yard, took pis of the inside of my house . (my house is completely windowed in the back, so you can see through out the entire house) . She has called my house, and when my son answered told him things, called my mother, my father, my ex in laws, you name it. All because I had moved, (since she had shown up my house so many times), and she could not figure out where I lived. There are county court records that are public and you can find who has bought and sold a house. I had to change my name back to my maiden name in order for her not to be able to find where I had moved. She was so desperate to find this, she went on a search and called everyone, making up stories to try and get my address. I did not know this, but there is spy ware you can put on someone's cell phone where you don't have to have the actual phone itself. My work pays for my cell bill, and when I had my IT dept run a check on it, they found this spy ware. She was reading all of my texts, etc. And could even go on to and listen to my calls..... I had no idea people could do this. This is where I had to get my attorney. When I confronted the xMM, his comment was "i can't control what she does". Well, he can't but if his ass could be honest enough to tell her the real deal, and eat crow and say...."its really not her constantly chasing me, and heres the real deal...." Maybe she would stop. I can not tell you the nights I have stayed awake looking out my front windows, worried she would stop by and come to my door and my son would possibly answer. Sorry to go off on that tangent.... :)

 

I will PM when I can and get your story. Its just everything I've been through, I would like to know what i'm end for. I'm worried that I will "pay" for deciding NC.

 

Thanks for the kind thoughts...... wonderful women? I wouldn't go that far, but I will take the compliment. :)

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OMG that sounds just horrible. I would assume that your attorney has filed a for a restraining order? If thats been done and the facts still havent come out than this man is a total azzwipe. To allow his W to be gaslighted so badly and STILL not own up to the truth.

 

Wipe your thoughts clean. He is so beyond being able to take responsibility for anything in his life that it would be a nightmare to be in a full time relationship with him. At some point he should have stepped forward, to stop you from being harrassed and to stop her from feeling like she was going crazy. Hes Peter Pan. Grown up but a total child emotionally.

 

As for hes staying there yeah I came to teh same conclusion eventually. He never complained to me about his marriage but I saw his W in action and it was ugly. And yet he stays. So if he prefers the marriage to parting with his stuff etc etc good for him. he can choke reading his investment statements. :sick:

 

And yet despite all this I spoke to him recently he asked me a question I answered him and ended the call (no reason to chat) and he actually texted me to make sure I wasnt mad at him, why didnt I want to speak to him etc etc etc. I mean PULEEZE. As I said before there is nothing to say. If he asks a question that demands an answer I answer otherwise, go chit chat with your wife... hes in touch all the time. I thought once we untangled our working relationship that it would all come to an abrupt halt. But apprently the A may be over but the contact isnt over til he says it is. God This Fing A has been teh gift that keeps on giving.

 

So count yourself lucky if you can just put it behind you.

 

And yes if it had worked out differently I would have felt differently etc etc but it didnt. And if he were any kind of responsible adult he would disappear from my life. But he doesnt. And worse he talks to people as if I were his nearest and dearest which causes them to ask me why he always talks about me... And not just in our town. Ive been in other parts of the world and spoken to people who have mentioned things to me. Its embarrassing. I brush it off and say oh isnt that nice of him but... its not right. Hes just enough older than me that people write it off as him havnig a crush on me. But it stings. Like why the f are you talking about me to these people? We dont work together anymore well hardly at all so focus on someone else. There are lots of attractive women who would love for him to mention them for no reason. Now Im rambling but its not pretty. I am almost thinking of moving. My situation has changed and I could probably live anywhere and do what I do so Im thnking of moving several time zones away from him. I never thought it would come to this that I would think of moving but as my professional life is more and more in my control getting far away from his sphere of influence becomes more possible. Knowing I would never or very very rarely see him and that I would rarely if ever hear his name again and never have to speak to him is very attractive.

Edited by jj33
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Severely Unamused
how in gods green earth do I multi quote???

 

Can you see four buttons at the bottom right of this post, and every other post?

This is the button that you want. Click it once and it turns red (meaning that its respective post will be quoted the next time that you post). Click it again, and it turns blue, meaning that the post won't be quoted.

 

You can quote multiple messages in one post. Like this...

 

Okay my little Aussie friend, did you see SU message? I have to wait until end of sept before I can PM. So here shortly we will be able to.

 

I had to now ask her how to multi quote because thats my other bugga boo. :)

 

How are you doing today???

 

LOL... Its okay!!! I just wanted to make sure everyone knew I had not broke the NC. Its like AA, I'm on my 3 week pin of soberity!!! Hahahaha. :)

 

You can also use the quote button, while you are typing up your message. It looks like this...

 

Your message will look like this.
Edited by Severely Unamused
Oops.
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Severely Unamused
The past is the past. Leave all things behind. Move forward and don't look back.:bunny:

 

I have to say that this post resonated with me. But I think that this attitude requires the utmost balance.

 

Some people dwell on their past...10 years, 20 years later. An entire lifetime. They can't let go. Their past eats them up. They live a life of regrets. IMO there are very few that deserve that fate.

 

Some people follow that attitude, and learn so very little. They learn only what they want to learn, and not what they need to learn. Arrogant and incapable of even basic levels of introspection, they believe what they want to believe...and the problem with being delusional is that you don't realise that you are delusional. They repeat the mistakes of the past again and again. They "move forward" again and again, but never really. They don't look back because they don't like what they see.

 

And then there are those that see their past for what it was. They break their past self apart and rebuild themselves into something better. They look back at their past and realise that they can be more than that. They leave their things behind because they don't them anymore. They learn. They see the ugliness inside of themselves and accept it, and heal it. They truly move forwards.

 

Me? I've done all three.

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OMG that sounds just horrible. I would assume that your attorney has filed a for a restraining order? If thats been done and the facts still havent come out than this man is a total azzwipe. To allow his W to be gaslighted so badly and STILL not own up to the truth.

 

Wipe your thoughts clean. He is so beyond being able to take responsibility for anything in his life that it would be a nightmare to be in a full time relationship with him. At some point he should have stepped forward, to stop you from being harrassed and to stop her from feeling like she was going crazy. Hes Peter Pan. Grown up but a total child emotionally.

 

As for hes staying there yeah I came to teh same conclusion eventually. He never complained to me about his marriage but I saw his W in action and it was ugly. And yet he stays. So if he prefers the marriage to parting with his stuff etc etc good for him. he can choke reading his investment statements. :sick:

 

And yet despite all this I spoke to him recently he asked me a question I answered him and ended the call (no reason to chat) and he actually texted me to make sure I wasnt mad at him, why didnt I want to speak to him etc etc etc. I mean PULEEZE. As I said before there is nothing to say. If he asks a question that demands an answer I answer otherwise, go chit chat with your wife... hes in touch all the time. I thought once we untangled our working relationship that it would all come to an abrupt halt. But apprently the A may be over but the contact isnt over til he says it is. God This Fing A has been teh gift that keeps on giving.

 

So count yourself lucky if you can just put it behind you.

 

And yes if it had worked out differently I would have felt differently etc etc but it didnt. And if he were any kind of responsible adult he would disappear from my life. But he doesnt. And worse he talks to people as if I were his nearest and dearest which causes them to ask me why he always talks about me... And not just in our town. Ive been in other parts of the world and spoken to people who have mentioned things to me. Its embarrassing. I brush it off and say oh isnt that nice of him but... its not right. Hes just enough older than me that people write it off as him havnig a crush on me. But it stings. Like why the f are you talking about me to these people? We dont work together anymore well hardly at all so focus on someone else. There are lots of attractive women who would love for him to mention them for no reason. Now Im rambling but its not pretty. I am almost thinking of moving. My situation has changed and I could probably live anywhere and do what I do so Im thnking of moving several time zones away from him. I never thought it would come to this that I would think of moving but as my professional life is more and more in my control getting far away from his sphere of influence becomes more possible. Knowing I would never or very very rarely see him and that I would rarely if ever hear his name again and never have to speak to him is very attractive.

 

 

Wow.... this guy sounds like he is totally off his rocker. But I guess he figures if he still stays in contact, you will eventually break.

 

My xMM, has ran into a couple of my friends since NC, and he tells them how much he loves me and adores me, but no one understands what he has to go through....no one has walked into his shoes. It pisses me off. One that he talks to MY friends. and 2-he is always trying to make everyone feel sorry for him. I mean CTFO.

 

I have not filed a RO or VPO as of yet. And the reason is, I didn't want to embarrase her, I felt like I had done enough hurt to her already and the public embarrasement since those are public record and easily accessed on the internet. But, I had my attorney send her a registered letter that stated any contact in any way shape or form, or to any one that I know, there will be harassment charges filed and the approporiate RO or VPO. Trying to give her a final warning. We will see if it holds, or if she will do it anyway. I know she is insane, and I know she wasn't all there to begin with. But I can not imagine how much gaslighting and confusion he has caused her. I know what I have had to go through and at times felt like I was insane, and I was only around him a few hours a week. I can not imagine being tied to this man with half a dozen kids and living with him 365, what she has to endure. So, I have tried to, no matter what look at it that way. And like I said, knowing what I have already hurt her, I really don't want to hurt her any further. No matter how crazy she is, and how mean she is (and honestly she is probably the meaniest human being I have ever encountered), he is her H, and she had built a life with him and thought that he would be faithful. I have really felt sorry for her, that she is stuck with him, and deludes herself so much. But the last time she texted me, I had already warned her I went to an attorney, I told her to stop all correspondence with me, PERIOD. She kept on, and I finally told her "I have felt sorry for you for years, that you have beens stuck with this man, I feel sorry for you no longer, for you have been given every opportunity to see who he really is, and you continue to stay. So that is on you. God speed, for you are one stupid b****". And I never heard from her since. :)

 

You are right... he is peter pan. I always called him Al Bundy....reminsising of playing football at Poke High. :) I sware he looks in the mirror and sees the boy who played football in college when he was 21, great looking and not a flaw in his physical appearance. He doesn't see the middle aged man, who is still quite handsome, but has flaws, wrinkles, grey, etc. He thinks so highly of himself that he has a great ability to have other people think just as highly of him. Its really amazing.

 

Thanks again for you comments, and I look forward to be able to PM'ing you in a couple of weeks, and hearing everything.

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I have to say that this post resonated with me. But I think that this attitude requires the utmost balance.

 

Some people dwell on their past...10 years, 20 years later. An entire lifetime. They can't let go. Their past eats them up. They live a life of regrets. IMO there are very few that deserve that fate.

 

Some people follow that attitude, and learn so very little. They learn only what they want to learn, and not what they need to learn. Arrogant and incapable of even basic levels of introspection, they believe what they want to believe...and the problem with being delusional is that you don't realise that you are delusional. They repeat the mistakes of the past again and again. They "move forward" again and again, but never really. They don't look back because they don't like what they see.

 

And then there are those that see their past for what it was. They break their past self apart and rebuild themselves into something better. They look back at their past and realise that they can be more than that. They leave their things behind because they don't them anymore. They learn. They see the ugliness inside of themselves and accept it, and heal it. They truly move forwards.

 

Me? I've done all three.

 

 

I think most of us have done all three. But what counts is as the end of the day...what are you doing. For 10 years of my A, I did option 1 and 2. Now, I am seeing how I did those, and how it allowed me to continue to be in pain and misery.

 

Now with option 3 I am looking at what i've done, why I did it and trying to overcome the problems as to why I did it. So, I am definitely looking at the past, not trying to live in it, but trying to learn from it and understand myself. So in the future I will not continue to do what I did.

 

Absolutely....it is a balance.

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Can you see four buttons at the bottom right of this post, and every other post?

This is the button that you want. Click it once and it turns red (meaning that its respective post will be quoted the next time that you post). Click it again, and it turns blue, meaning that the post won't be quoted.

 

You can quote multiple messages in one post. Like this...

 

 

 

 

 

You can also use the quote button, while you are typing up your message. It looks like this...

 

 

Ah.... by george, I think I've got it!!!! Thank you!!! :)

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