at my tipping point

[kllj]

I have never done this before so sorry if this is the wrong place.

 

I have been married for 10 years with 4 wonderful children. Life has been complicated to say the least. I lost a child and a parent within a month of eachother 6 years ago. It was very tough on me and still is to this day. Life seemed to have moved on but there was always a feeling of something missing. My husband has always been there for me through everything . He has always been a very quite person but has a huge heart. After the birth of our twins he poured himself into his work. He still helped with the kids but worked 70+ hours per week. The money was nice but it left me feeling alone. He became verbally abuse and has always been in a way. We never communicated very well which lead to always arguing. He has a short temper most of the time. I tried for years to get him to understand what his angry words did to me and the kids. He finally went on anxiety medication and seemed to improve.

 

Earlier this year we had some work done at my office. One of the workers and I seemed to always be talking. Eventually we exchanged contact info just as friends. I met him for lunch and we talked about our family and interests. He told me how he was unhappy in his marriage and I told him the same. We never met face to face again but kept in contact through email and text. One thing lead to another and out text turned into talking about sex. He was very explicit in what he would say and I would just reply with simple comments, nothing overly sexual. I admit, I liked the attention. I ended up putting a lock on my phone in case my husband looked through it which he has done in the past. One night he figured out my password and found the messages. He woke me up screaming at me. At first I denied even knowing who the person was. I finally told him who it was and he shouldn't be worried about it. It seemed to blow over at first but then my husband started with more yelling. He called me a w###re repeatedly. The kids overheard this on a few occasions. I told him nothing physically happened between us other than a hug so he shouldn't worry about it.

 

He now accuses me of cheating all the time. I want to be able to live my life and not worry about him constantly accusing me of cheating. I told him we need to spend a few weeks apart so I can figure out what I want to do. I know he loves me and the kids but know if I can live like this anymore.

[andyg99]

well your husband being verbally abusive is wrong... you having sex chat with someone other than your husband is wrong... if you want to save your marriage being apart won't help that, try counseling... this idiot (yes he's an idiot if he knows you are married) that you are chatting with is not the answer, no man is.... if you are miserable and you can't be married then be alone until you fix yourself... often we hear of a man or woman needing time to "figure things out" when in fact that time is spent screwing someone else... take care...

 

I have never done this before so sorry if this is the wrong place.

 

I have been married for 10 years with 4 wonderful children. Life has been complicated to say the least. I lost a child and a parent within a month of eachother 6 years ago. It was very tough on me and still is to this day. Life seemed to have moved on but there was always a feeling of something missing. My husband has always been there for me through everything . He has always been a very quite person but has a huge heart. After the birth of our twins he poured himself into his work. He still helped with the kids but worked 70+ hours per week. The money was nice but it left me feeling alone. He became verbally abuse and has always been in a way. We never communicated very well which lead to always arguing. He has a short temper most of the time. I tried for years to get him to understand what his angry words did to me and the kids. He finally went on anxiety medication and seemed to improve.

 

Earlier this year we had some work done at my office. One of the workers and I seemed to always be talking. Eventually we exchanged contact info just as friends. I met him for lunch and we talked about our family and interests. He told me how he was unhappy in his marriage and I told him the same. We never met face to face again but kept in contact through email and text. One thing lead to another and out text turned into talking about sex. He was very explicit in what he would say and I would just reply with simple comments, nothing overly sexual. I admit, I liked the attention. I ended up putting a lock on my phone in case my husband looked through it which he has done in the past. One night he figured out my password and found the messages. He woke me up screaming at me. At first I denied even knowing who the person was. I finally told him who it was and he shouldn't be worried about it. It seemed to blow over at first but then my husband started with more yelling. He called me a w###re repeatedly. The kids overheard this on a few occasions. I told him nothing physically happened between us other than a hug so he shouldn't worry about it.

 

He now accuses me of cheating all the time. I want to be able to live my life and not worry about him constantly accusing me of cheating. I told him we need to spend a few weeks apart so I can figure out what I want to do. I know he loves me and the kids but know if I can live like this anymore.

[kllj]

We went to counseling once. I told him I wasn't ready to go so he has been going by himself. I just want to be able to go out with my friends sometimes and not be accused of sleeping around. I have caught him several times trying to check my text messages so I have to keep changing my password. If he doesn't trust me what am I suppose to do? He says he needs me to more affectionate towards him. He thinks that more sex will help us feel closer. We typically have sex twice a month which I am fine with. He says that isn't normal. According to him the lack of affection causes his anger issues. I am just not and emotional person. I have always had self image issues and I don't see why he doesn't understand that. I have recently lost a lot of weight and got breast augmentation. I have never felt better about myself and I like the attention I get now. I told him to just give me some space and then we will work on things. Now he just keeps pushing the issue with me and says he just wants it resolved. I am tired of constantly talking about it with him. His persistence just makes me want to just give up.

[andyg99]

I have recently lost a lot of weight and got breast augmentation. I have never felt better about myself and I like the attention I get now. I told him to just give me some space and then we will work on things. Now he just keeps pushing the issue with me and says he just wants it resolved. I am tired of constantly talking about it with him. His persistence just makes me want to just give up.

 

so your husband wants to be closer (through more sex)... you want space to do your own thing, you're enjoying the attention your new breasts and weight loss are getting (let me guess, from other guys...). Do you NOT see the problem here???!!!

[Linda9999]

We went to counseling once. I told him I wasn't ready to go so he has been going by himself. I just want to be able to go out with my friends sometimes and not be accused of sleeping around. I have caught him several times trying to check my text messages so I have to keep changing my password. If he doesn't trust me what am I suppose to do? He says he needs me to more affectionate towards him. He thinks that more sex will help us feel closer. We typically have sex twice a month which I am fine with. He says that isn't normal. According to him the lack of affection causes his anger issues. I am just not and emotional person. I have always had self image issues and I don't see why he doesn't understand that. I have recently lost a lot of weight and got breast augmentation. I have never felt better about myself and I like the attention I get now. I told him to just give me some space and then we will work on things. Now he just keeps pushing the issue with me and says he just wants it resolved. I am tired of constantly talking about it with him. His persistence just makes me want to just give up.

 

Good lord woman - could you be any more full of yourself? I am sorry, but I have bolded a few of your statements here, and from the sounds of it it's all about YOU. Your husband caught YOU cheating!!!!!!! You should be thinking of HIM right now, NOT yourself. What do you expect him to think when you keep changing your phone password?? That's a huge red flag for someone who has been caught cheating - you should be telling him ALL your passwords for everything so he can check up on you as much as he wants to. And you don't feel ready for counseling? Well, do you feel like being married to this guy? If so then you are going to have to do everything within your power to make it up to him, all of which will involve stuff you do NOT want to do. If he wants sex more often and you don't, that is a PROBLEM. Problems do not go away just because someone says they aren't a problem for them. You've completely dismissed your husband here.

[kllj]

so your husband wants to be closer (through more sex)... you want space to do your own thing, you're enjoying the attention your new breasts and weight loss are getting (let me guess, from other guys...). Do you NOT see the problem here???!!!

 

I have told him repeatedly that I would never sleep with anyone else. Of cource the attention is from other guys. I can't help that it finally makes me feel good about myself. All I have done since we got married is stay home and take care of kids. At what point do I get to enjoy my life? I would never sleep with anyone else yet my husband thinks that me going out with my single friends is a bad idea. He thinks that they are a bad influence on me and every guy in the bar is just there trying to have sex with someone. All I want is to have have fun and make new friends. Why doesn't he understand that?

[worldgonewrong]

This whole situation smacks of a few issues, but I'll only address a couple here:

 

1. grief over a child (I'm sorry, how terrible!) that has not been properly dealt with.

2. a sort of mid-life crisis. Trying to make friends "in the bar" is a recipe for disaster for your marriage. Your motives might be pure, but he's right - bars are generally for hooking up, no two ways about it -- unless it's some quaint English pub where you're throwing darts or engaging in quiz matches.

 

You're also validating the initial rush of good feeling (their attention makes you feel good) while not addressing the fact that you're soaking up this attention at the expense of your spouse.

 

He needs to work at patience.

You need to work at channeling where you're deriving your self-esteem from. (New boobs can only take you so far until you have to deal with your inner self.)

You both need to work on communication.

 

my 2 cents.

[kllj]

Good lord woman - could you be any more full of yourself? I am sorry, but I have bolded a few of your statements here, and from the sounds of it it's all about YOU. Your husband caught YOU cheating!!!!!!! You should be thinking of HIM right now, NOT yourself. What do you expect him to think when you keep changing your phone password?? That's a huge red flag for someone who has been caught cheating - you should be telling him ALL your passwords for everything so he can check up on you as much as he wants to. And you don't feel ready for counseling? Well, do you feel like being married to this guy? If so then you are going to have to do everything within your power to make it up to him, all of which will involve stuff you do NOT want to do. If he wants sex more often and you don't, that is a PROBLEM. Problems do not go away just because someone says they aren't a problem for them. You've completely dismissed your husband here.

 

How is having a conversation with someone cheating? We never had sex. The only physical contact we had was a hug. My husband keeps saying that it was an emotional affair. That sounds completly stupid. Why can't he just move past this? For once in my life I feel good about myself but I am not allowed to embrace it. My husband always tells me how beautiful he thinks I am but I think he only does that knowing that I hear it from other men now also.

[andyg99]

At what point do I get to enjoy my life? I would never sleep with anyone else yet my husband thinks that me going out with my single friends is a bad idea. He thinks that they are a bad influence on me and every guy in the bar is just there trying to have sex with someone. All I want is to have have fun and make new friends. Why doesn't he understand that?

 

I would bet that a large % of folks who have cheated have once said they would never do it... BTW, you had sex texts with someone, that is cheating... But listen, I hear you... you need to realize that what you want to do for YOU is jeopardizing your marriage, are you ready to give up your marriage? if so then go ahead, hang out with the girls, have fun letting the guys hit on you... but if you are not ready to give up on your marriage then you BOTH need to work on it RIGHT NOW, he needs to open his eyes and you need to stop acting like a teenager!

[Linda9999]

How is having a conversation with someone cheating? We never had sex.

By your definition, my husband never cheated on me either. You do NOT have to have physical contact to cheat. The fact your husband feels cheated on means you cheated - just because YOU say YOU didn't cheat doesn't make it so.

 

My husband keeps saying that it was an emotional affair. That sounds completly stupid. Why can't he just move past this?

Why can't he move past it?? Because you continue to be so wrapped up in yourself that you are giving him NOTHING. Frankly if I were him I'd be LONG gone by now. You're calling his feelings stupid - do you honestly think he should put up with that?

 

For once in my life I feel good about myself but I am not allowed to embrace it. My husband always tells me how beautiful he thinks I am but I think he only does that knowing that I hear it from other men now also.

Once again you have completely dismissed your husband and his feelings.

 

I honestly cannot believe how self centered you are. Are you for real?

[kllj]

By your definition, my husband never cheated on me either. You do NOT have to have physical contact to cheat. The fact your husband feels cheated on means you cheated - just because YOU say YOU didn't cheat doesn't make it so.

 

Why can't he move past it?? Because you continue to be so wrapped up in yourself that you are giving him NOTHING. Frankly if I were him I'd be LONG gone by now. You're calling his feelings stupid - do you honestly think he should put up with that?

 

Once again you have completely dismissed your husband and his feelings.

 

I honestly cannot believe how self centered you are. Are you for real?

 

I have apologized to him for how this made him feel. I don't see what I did wrong so what is there for me to apologize for? I told him if he were to talk to some girl about sex I wouldn't have a problem with it.

[Linda9999]

Of course you don't see what you did wrong. You are way too wrapped up in yourself to see past the end of your own nose. All you have given him are WORDS. Your words mean absolutely nothing, since your actions convey the exact opposite of your words. Can he look at your cell phone whenever he wants to? And your email? And bank accounts? Are you willing to apologize a thousand times if he needs it? Are you willing to go to marriage counseling? Are you willing to chop off your left arm if he asks? If there's even one NO answer there, you are not remorseful and you do not deserve to be trusted.

[andyg99]

I have apologized to him for how this made him feel. I don't see what I did wrong so what is there for me to apologize for? I told him if he were to talk to some girl about sex I wouldn't have a problem with it.

 

wow... maybe he didn't get married to have some kind of "open" relationship... maybe he just one of those "old fashioned" dopes who believes that sex and sex talk should be kept in the marriage, you're too hip and progressive for him...

[kllj]

Of course you don't see what you did wrong. You are way too wrapped up in yourself to see past the end of your own nose. All you have given him are WORDS. Your words mean absolutely nothing, since your actions convey the exact opposite of your words. Can he look at your cell phone whenever he wants to? And your email? And bank accounts? Are you willing to apologize a thousand times if he needs it? Are you willing to go to marriage counseling? Are you willing to chop off your left arm if he asks? If there's even one NO answer there, you are not remorseful and you do not deserve to be trusted.

 

Why does he need to be able to see everything? Shouldn't he trust me enough to not worry about it? I never cheated on him. All of my friends are guys and as soon as he sees that one of them sent me a text he freaks out. Nothing is going on behind his back. These are just guys that I talk to.

 

I don't want to leave him. He is a great father and husband. He always helps with the kids and the house work and never complains about it. I just don't see what he expects me to do for him in return. I am just not an emotional person.

[Linda9999]

YES YOU DID CHEAT ON HIM. Get that through your head - YOU CHEATED. Tell me WHY he should trust you? What have you done to engender his trust? Trust has to be earned - you HURT him. You should be SORRY - truly sorry, not just paying it lip service. And until you can realize what you did he won't trust you. And he shouldn't.

 

If my husband had acted like you he'd have stayed out on his ass.

[kllj]

I still don't see how a conversation is considered cheating. Maybe he shouldn't have emailed everything to my mom and sister and I wouldnt be so angry with him. He tells anyone who will listen that I am a wh@re and a sl%t. How am I suppose to deal with that. All I hear now is accusations.

[Linda9999]

You did something (sexting) with another man and then hid it from your husband. You knew it was wrong - you stated so in your OP ("I ended up putting a lock on my phone in case my husband looked through it") yet you continued to do it. You admit to meeting this guy physically - the hugging - at some point. If you had not been caught things would have continued to escalate, with you managing to convince yourself you still weren't cheating. You did something that you knew your husband would have disapproved of with another man, hid it and lied about it. Dress it up any way you want to - you cheated on your husband.

 

From wiki: "An "emotional affair" is an affair, which excludes physical intimacy but includes emotional intimacy and can begin as innocently as a friendship. It may also be called an affair of the heart. Where one partner is in a committed monogamous relationship, an emotional affair is a type of chaste nonmonogamy without consummation. When the affair breaches an agreement in the monogamous relationship of one of the partners to the affair, the term infidelity may be more apt."

[2sunny]

I have told him repeatedly that I would never sleep with anyone else. Of cource the attention is from other guys. I can't help that it finally makes me feel good about myself. All I have done since we got married is stay home and take care of kids. At what point do I get to enjoy my life? I would never sleep with anyone else yet my husband thinks that me going out with my single friends is a bad idea. He thinks that they are a bad influence on me and every guy in the bar is just there trying to have sex with someone. All I want is to have have fun and make new friends. Why doesn't he understand that?

 

 

that's great - but get divorced first! this isn't the life a spouse expects when they sign up to be married.

 

since you intend to act single - get divorced.

 

How is having a conversation with someone cheating? We never had sex. The only physical contact we had was a hug. My husband keeps saying that it was an emotional affair. That sounds completly stupid. Why can't he just move past this? For once in my life I feel good about myself but I am not allowed to embrace it. My husband always tells me how beautiful he thinks I am but I think he only does that knowing that I hear it from other men now also.

 

HE can't move past it - because YOU still engage in the same behavior that lead you down this road to begin with... so - since you insist on continuing - be fair to him and divorce.

 

a spouse that INTENDS to repair the damage they caused stops ALL the cheating behavior and shows COMPLETE transparency - BUT, you continue to be secretive and sneaky. THAT isn't loving behavior. THAT'S CHEATING BEHAVIOR!!! if you aren't in the M completely - and completely thinking about the happiness and best interest of your husband = leave. that way he can find a woman who WILL treat him with honor and respect. right now - that isn't YOU!

 

I just want to be able to go out with my friends sometimes and not be accused of sleeping around.

 

good - then divorce if that's what you intend to do - be HONEST with your H so he knows that too!

 

 

If he doesn't trust me what am I suppose to do?

 

hmmmm, try EARNING his trust back - yep, trust is earned - especially after smashing it to pieces. IF you don't intend to earn it back with your words and actions that match - then leave. if they don't match = you are lying somewhere in there...

 

I am just not and emotional person.

 

that is obvious - because you show no remorse or compassion for your husband.

[kllj]

that's great - but get divorced first! this isn't the life a spouse expects when they sign up to be married.

 

since you intend to act single - get divorced.

 

 

 

HE can't move past it - because YOU still engage in the same behavior that lead you down this road to begin with... so - since you insist on continuing - be fair to him and divorce.

 

a spouse that INTENDS to repair the damage they caused stops ALL the cheating behavior and shows COMPLETE transparency - BUT, you continue to be secretive and sneaky. THAT isn't loving behavior. THAT'S CHEATING BEHAVIOR!!! if you aren't in the M completely - and completely thinking about the happiness and best interest of your husband = leave. that way he can find a woman who WILL treat him with honor and respect. right now - that isn't YOU!

 

 

 

good - then divorce if that's what you intend to do - be HONEST with your H so he knows that too!

 

 

 

 

hmmmm, try EARNING his trust back - yep, trust is earned - especially after smashing it to pieces. IF you don't intend to earn it back with your words and actions that match - then leave. if they don't match = you are lying somewhere in there...

 

 

 

that is obvious - because you show no remorse or compassion for your husband.

 

So am I suppose to just forgive him for all of the verbal abuse over the years?

He has called me every name imaginable. How am I suppose to believe that he has changed? He always says that my lack of emotion has caused his issues, I don't buy it. Every time he true to hug or kiss me it feels fake. How can he scream at me one minute and then cry and tell me how much he loves me the next?

[Lisa_H]

There are lots of issues going on here and if you don't get them straightened out soon you are going to end up single.

 

Talking, texting and hanging out with friends is not the thing to do when your marriage is in trouble. This is only going to make the issues worse.

 

Both of you have communication issues and if you don't learn how to talk, I mean REALLY talk and listen to each other..... your marriage will crumble.

 

Think of your children and everything you have to lose. Things CAN get better if you take the steps to put your marriage and life back on track.

 

Wish you the best of luck - running from the situation isn't going to help.

[2sunny]

So am I suppose to just forgive him for all of the verbal abuse over the years?

He has called me every name imaginable. How am I suppose to believe that he has changed? He always says that my lack of emotion has caused his issues, I don't buy it. Every time he true to hug or kiss me it feels fake. How can he scream at me one minute and then cry and tell me how much he loves me the next?

 

if you don't have a conscience about what you're doing here - then there's no need to ask... do what is right for YOUR moral compass...

 

IF you want to act single - and your husband doesn't agree - then divorce him.

 

then you can do whatever you wish without affecting him and his boundary.

 

if he's abusive - then get counseling or get out. if you didn't like it before - then why didn't you DO something about it before YOU had four children?

 

counseling may help - have you done that?

 

going out and showing your new self off to the world isn't normally behavior that ANY husband would enjoy his wife doing.

 

sheez, women get improved boobs - and so many times they install an attitude of entitlement with said new boobs. think about that.

 

you can DO anything YOU want as long as you ask permission - but IF it's something you need to keep a secret from your husband - that usually indicates YOU shouldn't be participating in THAT! you know THAT... no need to ask us.

 

when people have nothing to hide = they hide nothing.

 

your secretive and defensive behavior screams guilt. IF you want to be DOING inappropriate things for a gal who's married - then get divorced - or STOP DOING what isn't appropriate.

[visualbasicide]

Why does he need to be able to see everything? Shouldn't he trust me enough to not worry about it?

 

because of....

 

He now accuses me of cheating all the time. I want to be able to live my life and not worry about him constantly accusing me of cheating.

 

which you BOTH really want to stop.

 

I never cheated on him.

 

My spouse having lunch with another man, not asking me before hand, and not telling me about it, then carrying on with sexually oriented conversations, regardless of how they were responded to, and then covered up, is, by definition, an emotional affair.

 

All of my friends are guys

 

This is not really normal in the friends department, most people tend to have an equal amount of friends of both genders if not more of their own gender.

 

and as soon as he sees that one of them sent me a text he freaks out.

 

Who wouldn't.

 

And the part about him only saying you are beautiful because someone else is saying it makes no sense to me at all. The only difference between then and now is now you see yourself as he has always seen you.

 

The bars will probably destroy your marriage.

 

Transparency in everything you do isn't a lack of trust on his part, it's a lack of honest in yours. If you two had done this type of thing from the beginning, the current situation would never have happened to begin with.

 

As far as the communication thing, verbal abuse, etc. Go to counseling, all of you, kids too at this point. Communication is the key to ALL relationships. Business, friends or personal.

 

Ignoring everything above has destroyed countless marriages, including my own, currently my parents' and eventually, if you do nothing, yours.

[kllj]

I don't want to do things behind his back but I feel like I have to justify everything I do. All he does is worry about me and constantly think the worst about everything. I don't want to have to check in with him constantly. I am.an adult and need to be treated as one. There is nothing wrong with me going out with friends. With all of our kids it is nearly impossible for us to go out together. He always volunteers to stay home with the kids so i can go out. We will see what happens with our trial separation. I had the kids all last weekend and all he did was come over here even though I explained to him a.separation means time apart. He has the kids this weekend so I can finally have some time for myself. All I want is a few weeks to figure out what I want to have happen.

[speedster]

usually "trial separation" = sex with other men/women. your husband has no reason to trust you. and you haven't done anything to regain his trust. at least he's in therapy, and i really hope he stays in therapy for his sake.

 

you're done with the marriage. just admit it, get a divorce and save everyone involved years of heartache. obviously what he thinks and feels doesn't really matter to you.

[visualbasicide]

I am.an adult and need to be treated as one.

 

you are killin me here....

 

I really am not just being some spitefully scorned flamer.

 

Adults DO have transparency and check on each other. HE isn't doing anything but reacting to what YOU did. If you had acted like an adult, and not a teenager, before all this happened then you wouldn't be here.

 

An adult would admit, yes I screwed up and am willing to pay the price of my actions, in your case that is letting him know every detail about "you're" (PLURAL) life.

 

The whole argument about his verbal behavior needs to be addressed but you are using it to validate what you did, that is blame shifting. You are blaming him for your ACTIONS.

 

You can blame him all you want for making you feel like doing it, but you cannot blame him for you CHOOSING to do it. Therein lies the difference.

 

If you act like an adult he will treat you like one. If I go rob a bank, because I FEEL i don't have enough money, I can blame whoever I want, the economy, my family, the corporations that I have to pay to maintain my lifestyle, but the police are going to arrest me because I CHOOSE to act on those feelings instead of find a healthy and mature way to deal with them. This situation is no different.

 

If you want to get past the verbal stuff, then go to counseling with him. If you want a few weeks to have an affair to see how it feels before making the final decision to leave then just tell him you want a divorce right now and finalize it before you start betraying him further. Then at least he might one day be able to stomach looking you in the face with some semblance of respect instead of the shame of ever having thought you were worth loving in the first place.