at my tipping point

[andyg99]

wow, don't try too hard... I really feel bad for those kids...

[kllj]

wow, don't try too hard... I really feel bad for those kids...

 

The kids will be better off with us apart. All we do is argue and it is effecting the kids.

[andyg99]

The kids will be better off with us apart. All we do is argue and it is effecting the kids.

 

well if you're not going to try, if being "right" is more important to both of you than your kids then yeah, maybe they are better off without selfish parents being together... but you do know that the next guy you are with will give you the same problems, right?

[andyg99]

and seriously, after what you did to him you are questioning him about wanting to see your phone? are you for real? I'm beginning to think that this thread is a hoax...

[2sure]

A key ingredient to a marriage recovering after a spouse has cheated...is openness and transparency. If you have to lock him out of reading your text messages, you're still cheating...which apparently makes him paranoid and grumpy.

[Meatballsmom]

kllj

 

I had a conversation with my two co-workers about your posts. Your stories are remarkably similar. The didn't like that their husbands were spying on their activities and they had the right to have their own friends. And they felt they had their right to privacy, they did not see the errors of their ways until their new guy began cheating on them

 

In a marriage there should be no secrets, especially when members of the opposite sex are involved. The only secrets to be tolerated in a marriage are such things as surprise parties, Christmas gifts, etc.

 

It seem almost unanimous, by keeping your messages secret and by going out to party with your friends, you are a cheating spouse. You are the one in the wrong and you husband has every right to be upset with you actions,

 

Oh, and their kids saw and heard everything, and years later their kids would put two and two together and tell them they wanted nothing to do with them, and have totally shut them out of their lives.

 

As they both said they should have listened when their kids said things like, "Why are you doing this? Why do you fight with daddy? How come you are chosing your friends over daddy?" Anything close to this should be a red flag warning to you

 

Ten, fifteen years from now seems like a long time, but you would be surprised how time flies. As to them it seems like only yesterday that their kids were still in elementary school

 

And ten, fifteen years from now. just being able to walk with your grandkids when they go out trick or treating, or attending their school christmas pagent will be thousands of times more important than going out with your friends on Friday night. And these are only a couple of examples of what you will be missing

 

You are still in a position where you can change the future, in just a short time there will be no going back, and like the story of Humpty Dumpty, there will be no way that you can put things back together

 

You are the one in the wrong, it is up to you to make the change, or face a life time of lonliness, as there is no way your new freinds, who will be long gone, can fill that emptiness. You can play now, but eventually you will pay

 

Please take this advice from another woman, drop your friends, and find away to fix things with your husband, as this is more than half your doing

 

Also a little more advice, another co-worker wanted to know where you lived, she is about 25 and very attractive, (she could give a corpse a hard on) her boy friend hardly ever works, and would like to meet up with a guy who much less has a job and is willing to work 70 hours a week to support his family.

 

You do not want to hear what the three had to say that they would do for a man like that. And when word gets out that you have cut him lose you can expect the competition to be coming out of the wood work. If you haven't noticed these are hard times, and guys who are able to work more than 40 hours a week are scarce

 

In the first few month your husband will be terribly hurt, and it won't be long before a younger, sexier you, with a body that hasn't carried kids will be by his side. What are you going to do then?

Edited September 13, 2011 by Meatballsmom

[2.50 a gallon]

kllj

 

So you still think that it is OK to have an emotional affair?

 

Your actions have driven a wedge between you and your husband. It is your actions that are breaking up your family.

 

What about your kids? They did not ask to come into this world, and now it is your selfish actions that are destroying their world of a mother and a father. Just becasue you feel that you have a right to go out and party with your friends, who do not care one iota about your children

 

As a betrayed husband I can tell you that your husband has every right to know your secrets. There should be No - Zero - Nada secrets between a husband and wife.

 

It is not his jealousy, he is only trying to protect his family from the other men you seem to think are more important than him

 

We have this need to be right, no matter how wrong we are.

 

Be warned, some day the Karma bus will bite you

 

My ExBIL, who was once my best friend chose, to take your path. He and his new wife life in a beautiful ranchette with horse privilages. For over 20 years that have always kept a gentle horse awaiting the day that the grandkids might visit and take a ride. That day never came

 

A couple of years back there was a family wedding, my ExBIL had to be introduced to his grandson and grandaughter. They have not contacted him since, and in fact his grandson had graduated from high school, learned a trade and has moved out of state.

 

In a few years there will be great grandkids, that he will never get to watch them grow up

[Saul Goodman]

He can be there for his kids but we are done.

 

Well, that was quick (a bit too quick).

 

And it happened just like everybody said it would too. You're even putting all of the blame on him.

 

When a woman emotionally disconnects from you...it's a lose-lose whatever you do. Try to spend time with her, and you're clingy and insecure. Try and give her some space, and you haven't tried hard enough for her. Ask her where she has been, and you're paranoid. Don't ask her anything, and you don't take enough of an interest in her.

Edited September 13, 2011 by Saul Goodman

[2sunny]

The kids will be better off with us apart. All we do is argue and it is effecting the kids.

 

because of the way YOU are participating - or even - the way you are NOT participating in the marriage.

 

IF you intend to live like a single gal - not wanting to be accountable for your actions - then you should divorce.

 

YOUR actions and words affect others... plain and simple. the way you have been participating has had a negative affect on the ones around you. THAT alone tells you that you are doing things that have a negative affect on others.

 

that is about YOU - and what YOU are doing.

 

think about that... you CAN change it - but you seem to want to stay in the negative energy path and grow THAT part bigger.

 

change is good - but it must start with YOU.

 

continue on this path - and things will get worse - or change it to make things better/different! it is up to you.

[andyg99]

When a woman emotionally disconnects from you...it's a lose-lose whatever you do. Try to spend time with her, and you're clingy and insecure. Try and give her some space, and you haven't tried hard enough for her. Ask her where she has been, and you're paranoid. Don't ask her anything, and you don't take enough of an interest in her.

 

that's so true, you nailed it here - it's why many of us who have been down this road give the advice to move on because when a woman (or man too) disconnects emotionally there's little chance of them reconnecting...

[Saul Goodman]

that's so true, you nailed it here - it's why many of us who have been down this road give the advice to move on because when a woman (or man too) disconnects emotionally there's little chance of them reconnecting...

 

I'm sure that it is the same way with many men too...but I don't have any experience in that department.

 

But yeah, with a lot women, you're basically screwed when the emotional disconnect happens. Actually, there is a level of emotional dishonesty that comes with it. I can think of some cases where women have fallen out of love with their husbands, but simply don't want to admit it: both to themselves, and to their husbands. There's a lot of unnecessary drama that comes with the dishonest path.

Edited September 13, 2011 by Saul Goodman

[wilsonx]

Wow, I have been reading this thread and all I have to say is there is a pattern between you and a lot of breakups on the forums. Not only mine, but my good friends, Marqueemoon4, and other people.

 

You are so playing the victim card here. Its your husbands fault for being verbally abusive so you go out and look for the attention of other men. My best friend got that line too "You are jealous and insecure" LOL this is while his girlfriend was cheating on him. You essentially are gaslighting your husband because you can't take responsibility for your own actions. If you weren't texting another man, he would not be jealous and insecure. Guys have this instinct when something is not right with their partner, that causes us to get jealous and insecure and 99% of the time we are right.

 

For those of you not familiar with this term, Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.

 

I highly doubt that your husband was verybally abusive, you are just looking for a way out and instead of being honest from the get go

 

You are what I like to call a runner. Instead of solving your own problems you run from them. This is how you operate. It has something to do that you never got over from your childhood and this is your protective mechanism for dealing with it.

 

You have every right to end the relationship but the fact is you DID have an emotional affair with another man. That is cheating but you will never get that. Your extreme black and white thinking is a clear sign of this. Everything you posted in this thread including the low self esteem with bigger breasts and weight loss, victim rationale, and lies and manipulation at your husband actually point to something much bigger. You are like a little child and I am sure that a lot of people on the forums can read into this as well.

 

I actually know why you wont get into counseling. There are 2 reasons #1, you do not think anything is wrong with you #2 You dont want that deep dark secret to ever come to light from your childhood

 

One thing I am going to add, your husband is going to be way better off without you and this type of behavior in his life. He doesn't know it yet but he will be.

Edited September 13, 2011 by wilsonx

[Richard Friedman]

kllj

 

I had a conversation with my two co-workers about your posts. Your stories are remarkably similar. The didn't like that their husbands were spying on their activities and they had the right to have their own friends. And they felt they had their right to privacy, they did not see the errors of their ways until their new guy began cheating on them

 

In a marriage there should be no secrets, especially when members of the opposite sex are involved. The only secrets to be tolerated in a marriage are such things as surprise parties, Christmas gifts, etc.

 

It seem almost unanimous, by keeping your messages secret and by going out to party with your friends, you are a cheating spouse. You are the one in the wrong and you husband has every right to be upset with you actions,

 

Oh, and their kids saw and heard everything, and years later their kids would put two and two together and tell them they wanted nothing to do with them, and have totally shut them out of their lives.

 

As they both said they should have listened when their kids said things like, "Why are you doing this? Why do you fight with daddy? How come you are chosing your friends over daddy?" Anything close to this should be a red flag warning to you

 

Ten, fifteen years from now seems like a long time, but you would be surprised how time flies. As to them it seems like only yesterday that their kids were still in elementary school

 

And ten, fifteen years from now. just being able to walk with your grandkids when they go out trick or treating, or attending their school christmas pagent will be thousands of times more important than going out with your friends on Friday night. And these are only a couple of examples of what you will be missing

 

You are still in a position where you can change the future, in just a short time there will be no going back, and like the story of Humpty Dumpty, there will be no way that you can put things back together

 

You are the one in the wrong, it is up to you to make the change, or face a life time of lonliness, as there is no way your new freinds, who will be long gone, can fill that emptiness. You can play now, but eventually you will pay

 

Please take this advice from another woman, drop your friends, and find away to fix things with your husband, as this is more than half your doing

 

Also a little more advice, another co-worker wanted to know where you lived, she is about 25 and very attractive, (she could give a corpse a hard on) her boy friend hardly ever works, and would like to meet up with a guy who much less has a job and is willing to work 70 hours a week to support his family.

 

You do not want to hear what the three had to say that they would do for a man like that. And when word gets out that you have cut him lose you can expect the competition to be coming out of the wood work. If you haven't noticed these are hard times, and guys who are able to work more than 40 hours a week are scarce

 

In the first few month your husband will be terribly hurt, and it won't be long before a younger, sexier you, with a body that hasn't carried kids will be by his side. What are you going to do then?

 

I doubt any woman will want him after she's through. No doubt that because the OP is the 'caretaker" and husband is a 70 hr/week wage slave she'll get custody of the kids, and the house. He'll be relegated to some crummy apartment busting his to support this princess' lifestyle while she boffs all the guys she wants. He'll wind up a broken man. It's sad, but hardworking guys like him are cannon fodder for the divorce industry. It's why it's it's absolute madness for a guy to get married in this age of feminist no-fault divorce. Marriage is a contract and in the business world if youd signed a contract with such terms(with 50% failure rate), it would be suicidal. When it to marriage though otherwise reasonable guys lose their heads in favor of some disneyland fairytale nonsense.

 

 

The sad thing if the husband had some charisma and a social network of his own, instead of being a boring responsible homebody the wife would be on her toes and less likely to pull this nonsense. She probably settled for the the quiet homebody because she couldn'tt get the big fish's attention. Now that she's upgraded(with his money) she can take what she needs and discard him like kleenex.

[robf1971]

I doubt any woman will want him after she's through. .

 

Actually, I don't think thats at all true. I'm 40 and have Never had so much female attention as when my wife and I split. Even more unbelievably this was from women in their mid to late 20's. I'm glad I didn't act on it becuase I reconciled with my wife in the end but it shows that good men are in damn short supply.

[robf1971]

if the husband had some charisma and a social network of his own, instead of being a boring responsible homebody the wife would be on her toes and less likely to pull this nonsense. .

 

That I agree with totally, All her hubby needs to do is Tell his wife (not ask), "I'm of out with some friends tonight don't wait up" By 1am she'll be blowing up his mobile trying to figure out where he is.

 

As a footnote I don't believe that the OP is in any way genuine in this case.

[Arcee]

A key ingredient to a marriage recovering after a spouse has cheated...is openness and transparency. If you have to lock him out of reading your text messages, you're still cheating...which apparently makes him paranoid and grumpy.

 

The 100% transparency line that I have red here so often over recent weeks has been a help with me in trying to get my husband to open up and let me see his phone when I want.

 

But another line I in this thread I wanted to comment on was about when wives disconnect... I think there can be some coming back from that. Last week I saw absolutely no future for me and my cheating husband. It wasnt cos it was a raw wound. I found out about the affair in July. But things just were getting worse and worse between us. Once I went to see a lawyer he totally blew up with me. But I think it was fear at how close he was to losing everything. For a few days after that we didnt talk at all unless we had to and I felt I hated him and wanted nothing more than to be out of the marriage. A week on from that big blow up we have kind of come to a truce and I start to feel again that maybe we can come through this. Maybe I am deluding myself. But I have a son that I would do anything for and that includes trying again to make this marriage work. I can not imagine like the OP having 4 children and carrying on as she does.I had a friend in London who divorced with 3 boys. One school half term when the boys were with him the mum didnt come to pick them up when expected. He put them to bed for an extra night while he tried to contact her..... first thing in the morning a removal van turmed up with all the boys stuff. She had sold up and moved in with her much younger boyfriend who didnt want to be burdened with her kids. The boys never got over her abandonment and when her toyboy dumped her for another girl her sons didnt want to know her anymore and to this day still dont! Take care of your children's hearts. Men will come and go but your child will always be yours...

[Meatballsmom]

robf has a good point. Although I did not know them at the time of their wandering, from what I gather, it did not take long for their husbands to find replacements. Their husbands had great jobs, enough to afford them to be stay at home moms, and when they became available on the market they had their choice of much younger, sexier, read hadn't carried a kid yet, partner. They still complain of the young vultures who came out of nowhere, just about the time they began to have second thoughts.

 

As it stands today, both of their husbands have long remarried and have retired, while my two co-workers, who used to be stay at home moms, will probably have to work until their dying day.

[kllj]

kllj

 

I had a conversation with my two co-workers about your posts. Your stories are remarkably similar. The didn't like that their husbands were spying on their activities and they had the right to have their own friends. And they felt they had their right to privacy, they did not see the errors of their ways until their new guy began cheating on them

 

In a marriage there should be no secrets, especially when members of the opposite sex are involved. The only secrets to be tolerated in a marriage are such things as surprise parties, Christmas gifts, etc.

 

It seem almost unanimous, by keeping your messages secret and by going out to party with your friends, you are a cheating spouse. You are the one in the wrong and you husband has every right to be upset with you actions,

 

Oh, and their kids saw and heard everything, and years later their kids would put two and two together and tell them they wanted nothing to do with them, and have totally shut them out of their lives.

 

As they both said they should have listened when their kids said things like, "Why are you doing this? Why do you fight with daddy? How come you are chosing your friends over daddy?" Anything close to this should be a red flag warning to you

 

Ten, fifteen years from now seems like a long time, but you would be surprised how time flies. As to them it seems like only yesterday that their kids were still in elementary school

 

And ten, fifteen years from now. just being able to walk with your grandkids when they go out trick or treating, or attending their school christmas pagent will be thousands of times more important than going out with your friends on Friday night. And these are only a couple of examples of what you will be missing

 

You are still in a position where you can change the future, in just a short time there will be no going back, and like the story of Humpty Dumpty, there will be no way that you can put things back together

 

You are the one in the wrong, it is up to you to make the change, or face a life time of lonliness, as there is no way your new freinds, who will be long gone, can fill that emptiness. You can play now, but eventually you will pay

 

Please take this advice from another woman, drop your friends, and find away to fix things with your husband, as this is more than half your doing

 

Also a little more advice, another co-worker wanted to know where you lived, she is about 25 and very attractive, (she could give a corpse a hard on) her boy friend hardly ever works, and would like to meet up with a guy who much less has a job and is willing to work 70 hours a week to support his family.

 

You do not want to hear what the three had to say that they would do for a man like that. And when word gets out that you have cut him lose you can expect the competition to be coming out of the wood work. If you haven't noticed these are hard times, and guys who are able to work more than 40 hours a week are scarce

 

In the first few month your husband will be terribly hurt, and it won't be long before a younger, sexier you, with a body that hasn't carried kids will be by his side. What are you going to do then?

 

 

He is in Phoenix, tell her to have at it. When he tells her she is a sl@t for going out with her friends she will see how I feel. Tell her to have fun dealing with his insecurities and jealousy.

[soserious1]

A few thoughts here... as an older person who's been divorced x2

 

The idea that the OP (or any woman who's had kids) best suck it up & stay with her husband because he could replace her with a younger model, unmarred by child birthing is degrading & implies that such wives should be groveling in gratitude or something. Stay because you think love can be regained by work, stay because you took vows and want to try, stay to help the kids but don't stay because you are worried that the person you don't want anymore might find somebody better.

 

All these dire warnings about how a woman will never see her children or her Grandchildren because a marriage ended due to infidelity? That might have been true 40 or 50 years ago but generally only in cases where the husband was quite wealthy and the wife usually had other issues ie: ETOH addictions or mental illness. Most marginally decent modern couples attempt to keep their kids out of the line of fire & don't make the kids privy to all the sordid details of the divorce. In cases where either parent inappropriately drags the kids into the middle a change of custody can be sought based on parental alienation. My adult children get along quite

well with myself and their father, our beef with each other was never allowed to become their problem not way back then & not now either.

 

In my 2nd marriage,I was a loving, faithful wife, our family's sole bread winner, my ex-husband began filling his time with online porn & web cam girls, later he expanded that to include hook up's from Craig's List & other adult dating sites.Like the OP He too argued that online interactions, the exchange of dirty pictures & texts wasn't cheating, I disagreed .. and that was the point at which a divorce decision should have been made, instead of being dragged out to the point where he was openly cheating & verbally, emotionally abusive.

 

OP, you & your husband have a deal breaking incompatibility here. You need to sit down with him, preferably with a decent marriage counselor and either come to a meeting of the minds on this issue or plan a reasonable divorce. Give your husband the gift of total honesty, if you have no regrets over sexting, have no intention of stopping, he has a right to know this very clearly.

[Saul Goodman]

The idea that the OP (or any woman who's had kids) best suck it up & stay with her husband because he could replace her with a younger model, unmarred by child birthing is degrading & implies that such wives should be groveling in gratitude or something.

Who suggested that? Serious question as I haven't read the entire thread.

 

Anyway, I agree with this:

OP, you & your husband have a deal breaking incompatibility here. You need to sit down with him, preferably with a decent marriage counselor and either come to a meeting of the minds on this issue or plan a reasonable divorce. Give your husband the gift of total honesty, if you have no regrets over sexting, have no intention of stopping, he has a right to know this very clearly.

Do what you want kllj, just give your husband honesty first.

 

I swear: Some sitches are too OTT to be real.

[2.50 a gallon]

The wife is having an emotional affair, going out and partying, in short acting single while still married, while the husband is trying to find out what is going on and to save his family, which is just plain common sense

 

So the wife labels the husband as insecure and jealous.

 

On the other hand, should he act nonchalant, and just let it ride she could claim he doesn't care, and therefore by not caring gives her permission to screw around

 

The perfect storm

 

I was once in your husbands shoes, shortly after we were married we moved to a new location, and being a hottie, got lots of attention from the men of her new place of employment. I found myself fighting not one, but a handful of OM's, all who were back stabbing me and labeling me insecure, needy, jealous, etc, when I refused to give her permission to take off for a weekend with them by herself.

 

Also, we were over 30K in debt, owing for her college degree, our relocating, our marriage, I put her several thousand dollar ring, on my card, and then I found out she had gotten several credit cards and maxed them out

 

When we fought about her maxed out credit cards and her wanting to go still deeper into debt, believe it or not, her OM's had convinced her that if you want to make big money, you have to act, dress, dine, party and spend like you already have it, and then money will flow to you, that is when her OM's labeled me as too controlling.

 

kllj, my Ex thought as you, at one time even encouraged me to get back into dating. It took my 5 weeks, and that is when my Ex's world collapsed, for her it was too late, and there was nothing she could do. She cried and tried to get me back for the next 4 plus years.

 

soserious - I too have been around for a few decades and in fact am retired. Divorce negatively affects all kids, and when it comes to infidelity, in almost every case that I know of, including my sister and ExBIL, when the kids reach adulthood, they all cut out the cheating parent, and it does not matter whether it is the father or the mother

 

Five years ago my niece caught her husband with his secretary, two years ago I watched his Junior walk his mom down the aisle when she married her new husband. Both of his kids want nothing to do with their father, in fact, Junior has taken a job out of state, and his father has no way of contacting him.

[Saul Goodman]

An interesting post 2.50.

 

It's clear that you've made your mind up kllj. So I wish you well. Hopefully 10 years from now you will use this all as a valuable learning tool.

[soserious1]

2.50

 

All I know is this, staying in a marriage merely because its been pounded into your brain that your husband can replace you at any time with a younger firmer model and that you're worth nothing because you've popped out a couple of his kids stinks

 

Saying you best just suck it up, stay with hubby, do as he wishes & pretend to love him or there's a good chance you'll never see your children or grandchildren again? That's flat out

lousy

 

Btw, since my divorce I've become the town ride and it's a lot more satisfying than being a mealy mouthed,faithful, little meal ticket of a wife ever was.

[2sunny]

He is in Phoenix, tell her to have at it. When he tells her she is a sl@t for going out with her friends she will see how I feel. Tell her to have fun dealing with his insecurities and jealousy.

 

why now? why didn't you realize this before YOU brought four innocent children into this mess?