at my tipping point

[andyg99]

We will see what happens with our trial separation. I had the kids all last weekend and all he did was come over here even though I explained to him a.separation means time apart. He has the kids this weekend so I can finally have some time for myself. All I want is a few weeks to figure out what I want to have happen.

 

good luck with that trial separation - as long as you are spending your "alone time" in bars getting lots of attention on the new boobs I'm pretty sure eventually some knight in shining armor will come along and tell you everything you want to hear... I feel bad for your kids...

[2sunny]

you show no remorse or ill feelings for what your behavior has caused... in fact, quite the opposite - you feel/sound like you're entitled.

 

use this as your guide - if your kids or husband read ANY text you receive or send - would it embarrass you? IF you answer yes - you shouldn't be texting THAT way while you're a married woman.

 

there's no way you can feel connected/close to your husband when you're putting all this time and energy focusing on other men.

 

how would you like it if your H was doing all the things you've been doing? would you enjoy being married to him while he's distant, lying, covering up and paying so much intimate time focused on other women who show him a ton of inappropriate attention for a married man?

 

i would think you wouldn't like it at all... maybe THAT'S what he's getting SO MAD about. in that case - he has every right to be damn mad! YOU are participating in areas that are about to bust your family apart... and you don't even seem to understand that you are affecting a lot of people's future by doing what you're doing.

 

your words make me wonder if you have a conscience... you have four children, think about it. you are about to lose everything familiar in your life and you keep saying you deserve to do what you want - NO - YOU gave up THAT right when YOU decided to birth four children! if i were your H - i'd be mad too!

[2sunny]

usually "trial separation" = sex with other men/women. your husband has no reason to trust you. and you haven't done anything to regain his trust. at least he's in therapy, and i really hope he stays in therapy for his sake.

 

you're done with the marriage. just admit it, get a divorce and save everyone involved years of heartache. obviously what he thinks and feels doesn't really matter to you.

 

i hope her H has her followed while she has her precious "alone time" - i'm sure he won't be finding she's alone. her need to seek attention is way out of balance... very selfish - four kids? come on!

[speedster]

you show no remorse or ill feelings for what your behavior has caused... in fact, quite the opposite - you feel/sound like you're entitled.

 

use this as your guide - if your kids or husband read ANY text you receive or send - would it embarrass you? IF you answer yes - you shouldn't be texting THAT way while you're a married woman.

 

there's no way you can feel connected/close to your husband when you're putting all this time and energy focusing on other men.

 

how would you like it if your H was doing all the things you've been doing? would you enjoy being married to him while he's distant, lying, covering up and paying so much intimate time focused on other women who show him a ton of inappropriate attention for a married man?

 

i would think you wouldn't like it at all... maybe THAT'S what he's getting SO MAD about. in that case - he has every right to be damn mad! YOU are participating in areas that are about to bust your family apart... and you don't even seem to understand that you are affecting a lot of people's future by doing what you're doing.

 

your words make me wonder if you have a conscience... you have four children, think about it. you are about to lose everything familiar in your life and you keep saying you deserve to do what you want - NO - YOU gave up THAT right when YOU decided to birth four children! if i were your H - i'd be mad too!

 

excellent post.

[kllj]

He has no reason to follow me anywhere. All I am doing is going out with some friends. Don't I deserve any free time to myself. I have already accused him of spying on my phone but he says he cant since he doesn't know the password. Maybe if he wasn't so insecure and always looking through my phone I would have to put a lock on it. I am not going to go out and sleep with anyone, I just want to have fun. Why is that such a bad thing? I don't know why I even asked the question, no one sees what I am going through. I can only be accused so many times of things I didn't do before I am just tired of hearing it. He has never trusted me and never will.

[2sunny]

He has no reason to follow me anywhere. All I am doing is going out with some friends. Don't I deserve any free time to myself. I have already accused him of spying on my phone but he says he cant since he doesn't know the password. Maybe if he wasn't so insecure and always looking through my phone I would have to put a lock on it. I am not going to go out and sleep with anyone, I just want to have fun. Why is that such a bad thing? I don't know why I even asked the question, no one sees what I am going through. I can only be accused so many times of things I didn't do before I am just tired of hearing it. He has never trusted me and never will.

 

you aren't worthy of trusting by YOUR behavior.

 

YOU are doing this to YOURSELF.

 

you will be divorced with that attitude. justify it all you want. MOST Moms of 4 small kids would be home taking care of and enjoying their family... nuturing them, loving them. not you - it's ALL about what you want - and making sure you get that.

 

nope, not YOU - fun, fun, fun - that's all you want - that's what you're gonna do - go!

 

i hope he divorces you so quick... and finds a Mom that stays home and LOVES the family as a whole... your children need a Mom... it's obviously not going to be you since you are hell bent to go out and party.

 

why did you have children? i'd love to know that answer...

[visualbasicide]

He has no reason to follow me anywhere. All I am doing is going out with some friends. Don't I deserve any free time to myself. I have already accused him of spying on my phone but he says he cant since he doesn't know the password. Maybe if he wasn't so insecure and always looking through my phone I would have to put a lock on it. I am not going to go out and sleep with anyone, I just want to have fun. Why is that such a bad thing? I don't know why I even asked the question, no one sees what I am going through. I can only be accused so many times of things I didn't do before I am just tired of hearing it. He has never trusted me and never will.

 

Do what you want then, get ready for court and custody battles though, I'm done with this conversation.

[Steen719]

I feel like I am listening to myself telling my STBXH why getting in touch with the woman he had an affair with 14 years ago was not good for our marriage and he just does not get it. Sometimes you just have to tell yourself that the other person is not going to understand what you are trying to say. I think this might be one of those times.

 

From The Big Chill

 

Michael: I don't know anyone who could get through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations. They're more important than sex.

Sam Weber: Ah, come on. Nothing's more important than sex.

Michael: Oh yeah? Ever gone a week without a rationalization?

 

 

That's what I am saying!

[jeff2321]

It's unfortunate that your husband verbally abused you. I'm sure that probably explains why you don't have much feeling these days for him in the marriage. I wasn't the best guy to my ex either and she eventually left, but we didn't have any kids... so my situation was quite a bit different.

 

Overall, he doesn't sound like a bad guy if he's coming over and taking care of the kids at night while you go out. It could be worse; he could be the guy that doesn't give a damn and just neglects them -- he may have some faults, but we all have them. I haven't read anything in this thread that can't be fixed if both people want to fix it. [ ... this is usually why people divorce though... only one person wants to work on things. Sadly it takes two to get married and two to have a child, but only one person to destroy it ].

 

Sounds like you might be done with your husband which means your marriage might be over. It is going to be rough if you end it, but if it's truly what you want, you should end it rather than dragging him through months and years of pain. I wish i could be like everyone here and recommend counseling and worknig through the issues, but sadly I am a firm believer these days that when a woman is done, she is done and it's very difficult to come back from that.

 

I have only one question to ask you? Do you still want to be with your husband the rest of your life ?

 

Best of luck to you both and I hope things can be worked out... I think your life (and his) will get interesting over the next few years.

 

Jeff2321

[2.50 a gallon]

kllj

 

There are almost a dozen red flags, your are a classic Cheater.

 

First you are blame shifting. It is all your H's fault. He don't trust you. Your are only talking with another man.

 

By the way a co-worker. Classic!

 

Fact: Talking with the OM and especially sexting is cheating. The proof is in that you feel it is necessary to keep it a secret, and you find it necessary to constantly keep changing your password

 

Your H has been busting his butt trying to provide for you and a large family by working 70 hours a week. So therefore he is not around, another classic, so you find another man to confide with

 

You have lost weight, augmented your bust and now you feel you have the right to go out with your friends, because you like the

attention. Classic

 

Is you husband welcome to go out with you and your friends? Why not hire a baby sitter?

 

And now you need space, Classic! It give you space to begin your physical affair, without your husband in the house to catch you

 

Your husband is quiet. I bet he has always been quiet and yet you married him, but now you no longer want quiet. With your new figure and the attention of the other men, you now feel that have the right to find somebody who is not quiet.

 

After my Ex and I broke up and wanting sex, I found that married women were easy to seduce.

 

You co-worker OM is following all of my guide lines to seduce and screw my fellow married workers.

 

We became friends, my marriage was bad, and theirs after many years of marriage was no longer full of passion. I used that commonality to get in their pants. They told me how to seduce them by telling me all of their grievances against their husband which I used to my advantage.

 

They separated from their husband to think about things, it gave me the chance to wine and dine them, a few drinks, a little dancing. some more talk, some intimate talk and next thing it just happened. That is what they thought, while in fact I planned it all. It was a big turn on screwing them in their marital bed and seeing the H's photo and their wedding picture on the wall

 

His calling you a "wh@re" and a "sl%t" is not verbally abusive. You own them, that is what you are

 

It was great sex and then I moved on. I am not proud of myself, but I own it as that is what I did

Edited September 10, 2011 by 2.50 a gallon

[TroyNJ]

The OP has got to either be a troll or is completely out of her mind...Sorry but I call it like I see it. How can someone be that selfish?? Oh never mind, my wife did the same thing to me. Trial seperation my ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[kllj]

kllj

 

There are almost a dozen red flags, your are a classic Cheater.

 

First you are blame shifting. It is all your H's fault. He don't trust you. Your are only talking with another man.

 

By the way a co-worker. Classic!

 

He wasn't a co-worker, he was doing work at our office remodel

 

Fact: Talking with the OM and especially sexting is cheating. The proof is in that you feel it is necessary to keep it a secret, and you find it necessary to constantly keep changing your password

 

He sent me inappropriate messages, i never sent him anything inapproprite, i just responded with haha. I never sent any pics he requested or bought in to his fantasies. I just read the messages and made comments.

 

Your H has been busting his butt trying to provide for you and a large family by working 70 hours a week. So therefore he is not around, another classic, so you find another man to confide with

 

He chose to go work out of town right after the birth of our twins. according to him he had to due to the economy and the only construction work was out of town. He came home on the weekends but i had no help during the week. Real fun trying to deal with 4 kids under 5 on your own.

 

You have lost weight, augmented your bust and now you feel you have the right to go out with your friends, because you like the

attention. Classic

 

Is you husband welcome to go out with you and your friends? Why not hire a baby sitter?

 

He never wants to go out with us. the few times he has all he does is act irritated the entire time. He is not a social person which makes it uncomfortable for everyone we are with. The only time he opens up is if he is drinking which he rarely does because he always has to drive. It is easier to just go without him and not have to worry about it.

 

And now you need space, Classic! It give you space to begin your physical affair, without your husband in the house to catch you

 

Your husband is quiet. I bet he has always been quiet and yet you married him, but now you no longer want quiet. With your new figure and the attention of the other men, you now feel that have the right to find somebody who is not quiet.

 

He has always been very quite. It took me years to get him to open up. He says making others happy is what makes him happy. He likes just hanging out out home. He has no friends becasue all he ever does is work and hang around the house. He moved here from another state to be with me and all of his old friends are 10 hours away. I have tried to get him to go and make new friends but he says he has no one to relate to.

 

After my Ex and I broke up and wanting sex, I found that married women were easy to seduce.

 

You co-worker OM is following all of my guide lines to seduce and screw my fellow married workers.

 

We became friends, my marriage was bad, and theirs after many years of marriage was no longer full of passion. I used that commonality to get in their pants. They told me how to seduce them by telling me all of their grievances against their husband which I used to my advantage.

 

They separated from their husband to think about things, it gave me the chance to wine and dine them, a few drinks, a little dancing. some more talk, some intimate talk and next thing it just happened. That is what they thought, while in fact I planned it all. It was a big turn on screwing them in their marital bed and seeing the H's photo and their wedding picture on the wall

 

I would never let that happen. The guys I tallk with are just friends i have had for years and have no interest in being anything other than my friends. What single guy is out looking for a girl with 4 kids, it doesn't happen.

 

His calling you a "wh@re" and a "sl%t" is not verbally abusive. You own them, that is what you are

 

Saying those things is verbal abuse, look it up!

 

It was great sex and then I moved on. I am not proud of myself, but I own it as that is what I did

 

Just so everyone knows, I did go out last night and I did not sleep with anyone. Everyone I met last night was just there to have fun. Not one guy who talked to me was trying to sleep with me, they were just out having fun meeting new people. Not every guy out on a friday night is looking for someone to sleep with. Give me a break.

[Meatballsmom]

I work with two women who were in your shoes twenty years ago. Their husbands were boring homebodies, all of the symptoms you complain of

And just like you they felt life was closing in on them and they had to get out and away from their husbands for some happy time.

 

Eventually they stepped over the line, found somebody new and found themselves in divorce court, with joint custody of the kids.

 

One is still with her new man, and both would kill to get their old husbands back. It will never happen, as another woman came along who appreciated a man who worked hard for the family, oh and they are so much younger

 

But that is not the worst of it. All of their kids, after they grew up, placed all of the blame of the break up of their families as they were growing up on my two co-workers. One of them got to attend their kids weddings, the other was told not to attend.

 

All of their children have totally cut my two co-workers out of their lives and want no contact.

 

That means they have not been able to watch their grandchildren grow up. Their lives are totally destroyed and there is nothing that they can do to change things.

 

My only grand daughter was taken by the state from my drug addict daughter half way to her thirteenth year. She will be turrning 17 in a month.

 

Like my co-workers I have not seen her in over 4 years, and like my co-workers I wonder what she looks like. Is her hair long? Does she have a boy friend, how is she doing in high school. Questions we have no answers for.

 

Be careful you are walking this same path. You do not want to take this chance

 

You don't like being called a wh&re and a sl?t by your husband. Wait until you hear these words from your kids.

 

As 2.50 said in his post, you own them. If you don't like being called these names quit acting like one.

Edited September 10, 2011 by Meatballsmom

[2sunny]

so your husband works 70+ hours each week and then spends all his free time with his family... and you want to complain because he hasn't been paying enough attention to you - so you need to get out and have other people pay attention to you.

 

this priority you have puts you in a position of leaving your kids and moving out.

 

friends and partying becomes higher priority than being with and raising your family.

 

 

as your kids get older - they may not understand or forgive you for being that selfish - they are young - you are the Mom - they have basic needs and you just walked out.

 

my ex mother in law did that to her three kids - and they never got past the fact that Mommy didn't want to be with them while they were growing up.

 

as the years passed - she felt so guilty for what she'd done - and tried to make it up to them - but the hurt remained along with the fact - they were emotionally injured because Mom left them. they felt unworthy of a mother's love...

 

you can cause huge harm to your kids... party all you want - it's your conscience you have to live with.

[BrettLost]

Wow, classic gigs.

 

I cannot understand how they fail to realise the undoable consequences of these selfish actions.

 

Meatballsmom's tale of the co-workers kinda makes me happy, but breaks my heart at the same time. For the short-term gain of independance, fun and attention..... they sacrafice a potential positon within a family legacy, built on trust, faith, commitment, hard work and love, that could and should last for decades. Not only that, but setup a future finacially and morally for your kids to be a part of, at least well into your children's progression into adulthood.

 

Not surprising the children resent them. I make no apologies to my kids for hating what their mum has done to OUR family. I did'nt want it, they did'nt want it, SHE did. Now we all suffer.

 

Nor me or my children will forget it.

[robf1971]

Just so everyone knows, I did go out last night and I did not sleep with anyone. Everyone I met last night was just there to have fun. Not one guy who talked to me was trying to sleep with me, they were just out having fun meeting new people. Not every guy out on a friday night is looking for someone to sleep with. Give me a break.

 

If I was your hubby I'd go out tonight to a club, just for fun of course not looking to sleep with anyone. Maybe I'd meet a cute blond chick, flirt with and get her mobile number, and start exchanging sexy texts. I reckon you'd be ok with that right?

[2011aug]

It has been my observation that everything has a price that needs to be paid.

 

A working marriage and family requires work and self-sacrifice.

 

Self-gratification now at the expense of your marriage and your family will be paid for in the future. Do you know the actual costs you will pay? Does it matter? It has been said that karma's a bitch.

[2011aug]

ignore this post

Edited September 11, 2011 by 2011aug
why not?

[jeff2321]

This situation reminds me so much of when my ex left me. My ex spent months building up a support network consisting of her of family, friends, coworkers, my friends, and just about anyone else who would listen to her story. The day my ex laid the hammer down and moved out, it felt like 100 people just all turned their back on me at once. It was the biggest rejection one could possibly feel and even 13 months later I'm still getting over it. I remember the day seeing her facebook status change to "single" and 40 of her friends cheer her on and congratulate her on getting away from that "controlling man". I don't think I felt more sick to my stomach during that period and thanks to advice from this forum I put in NC shortly after that.

 

The sad reality is the OP has already checked out of this relationship. You can see the evidence of this by the fact that she likes the attention from other men. She wants space and that usually is just a way to disconnect from the husband more and to converse with other friends to help build that support network before laying the hammer down and throwing in the towel.

 

Divorce in this relationship is probably inevitable at this point (both people don't want to work on it anymore). I only hope that for the sake of the kids, the divorce isn't brutal and dragged out over years. Life for kids after divorce is probably going to be many weekends of being swapped around, daycare centers, and being around new SO on both sides -- it is just a traumatic experience to watch unfold at such a young age.

 

I feel for the guy in this situation if he is the sole income earner. He will likely get the book thrown at him in court, slapped with heavy child support payments, and alimony if they live in a no fault state. The guy who is now having to carry this heavy financial burden for the next 20-25 years will be faced with limited choices for a new partner. Life will likely be a financial struggle for years unless he is rich. [This situation happening to me is my biggest fear when it comes to relationships, which is why I really respect my ex now for leaving before we had any kids together -- our break up by most standards was clean and non-dramatic. ]

 

I feel for the OP too because she will now be a single mom with 4 kids... hopefully the husband is able to contribute child support and help her out even after a divorce. Raising 4 kids on your own, even if you make a decent salary is a lot of work and responsibility. Not to mention having to eventually go out at some point and start dating again... Where do you even start with that one?

 

Good luck is all I can say... tough road ahead. Splitting up sounds like more work than just trying to work on the relationship... [ which by the way is what you promised to do when you got married. These days weddings vows don't seem to mean much anymore though... ].

 

jeff2321

Edited September 11, 2011 by jeff2321

[Saul Goodman]

This situation reminds me so much of when my ex left me. My ex spent months building up a support network around her of family, friends, coworkers, and just about anyone else who would listen to her story. The day my ex laid the hammer down on me and moved out, it felt like 100 people just all turned their back on me at once. It was the biggest rejection one could possibly feel and even 13 months later I'm still getting over it. I remember the day seeing her facebook status change to "single" and 40 of her friends cheer her on and congratulate her on getting away from that "controlling man". I don't think I felt more sick to my stomach in my life those few days.

The sad reality is the OP has already checked out of this relationship. You can see the evidence of this by the fact that she likes the attention from other men. She wants space and that usually is just a way to disconnect from the husband more and to converse with other friends to help build that support network before laying the hammer down and throwing in the towel.

 

Divorce in this relationship is probably inevitable at this point (both people don't want to work on it anymore). I only hope that for the sake of the kids, the divorce isn't brutal and dragged out over years.

 

I feel for the guy in this situation if he is the sole income earner. He will likely get the book thrown at him in court and be slapped with heavy child support payments and likely alimony as well. This situation happening to me is my biggest fear when it comes to relationships, which is why I really respect my ex now for leaving before we had any kids together -- our break up by most standards was clean and non-dramatic.

 

This situation is unfortunate and I feel for both the OP and the husband, but it seems like the direction for this one has already been put in motion.

 

jeff2321

 

 

 

 

 

Jeff2321

 

Well said. QFT. The bolded bit especially.

 

kllj...if this is real...than I won't bother lecturing you. Judging from your posts alone, I know your type. I can relate to your personality in a lot of ways. You block something out entirely because you don't like what you're reading. You build up a wall. You only get the message when the sh*t truly hits the fan. And even then, you may try to rationalise it. But I can tell you this: People rarely decide to just wake up one morning and go "hey, I'm going to have an affair". No, they think that they are different. That they are above it. They think "no way is this going to happen to me". And then they see how flawed they really are.

 

It's like, you leave a wine glass on the edge of the table and think "No way am I going to knock it over". Only when there is a mess to clean up do learn to put the wine glass closer to the centre of the table. Make sense?

 

The thing is, you will probably only realise all of this years from now. I just hope you have the emotional maturity and honesty to look inwards and see where you have gone wrong. Not where your husband has gone wrong, but where you have gone wrong....you can only control yourself. A lot of people are incapable of that level of introspection. It's a coping mechanism; to put all the blame on somebody else. A lot of people use it, a lot of people delude themselves. But if you fall into that trap, you'll never learn to better yourself.

 

I'd say, go to MC with him while you still have a shot. Or separate for a while instead of rushing to divorce. But like jeff was basically saying, when the relationship is over, it's over. When the relationship is damaged, than it's damaged. You just need the emotional honesty to realise that.

 

Man, that sounded pretentious.

Edited September 11, 2011 by Saul Goodman

[GG2W]

You lost weight and have bigger hooters, just my type

 

For now here are some other lines I give my partners so that they feel justified in spending a night with me

 

He won't give you space so you can go out and party with me and friends

 

He is so controlling,

 

A control Freak

 

That's not very manly, a real man would be sure of himself and know you you only want to have some laughs

 

He is such a wimp, he sounds so needy and clingy

 

A real man would know that the true test of love is to let you go and have your fun and you will come back to him

 

I am going on tour starting next week maybe we we will get lucky and I can add you to my list

[LifesontheUp]

You are never going to forgive your husband for what he has done in the past. His past is what you use then use to justify what you are doing.

 

You have checked out of the marriage from what you have written. So instead of using him to cling on just in case your new life doesn't work out, set him free and divorce him.

[robf1971]

You lost weight and have bigger hooters, just my type

 

For now here are some other lines I give my partners so that they feel justified in spending a night with me

 

He won't give you space so you can go out and party with me and friends

 

He is so controlling,

 

A control Freak

 

That's not very manly, a real man would be sure of himself and know you you only want to have some laughs

 

He is such a wimp, he sounds so needy and clingy

 

A real man would know that the true test of love is to let you go and have your fun and you will come back to him

 

I am going on tour starting next week maybe we we will get lucky and I can add you to my list

 

C'mon admit it, your an overweight, 57 year old married man from Coventry

 

Seriously, Although I think you are talking complete and utter BS, you do raise an important point about needy and clingy men. If my wife cheated, she'd be out of the door quicker than a Bugatti Veyron can get to 60 mph... thats just the way it should be.

[2.50 a gallon]

kllj

 

"wh@re" and "sl%t" are merit badges you have earned, look up cheating wife

 

As my daddy taught me, if you don't like people calling you a clown, quit

acting like one, and never forget that there will always be those who will remember what you did in the past and will always think that you are a clown. Your earn it! You own it!

 

"Not every guy out on a Friday night is looking to get into some woman's pants."

 

What state do you live in? Limbo Land?

 

All through the 70's, 80's and into the late 90's, my social life was spent in bars. Rock bars, C&W bars, discos, wine bars, I've been in most of them in the big cities in the westerb states. If you wanted my patronage you had better have a mixed crowd, or I would find another bar. I was like the other guys at the bar to have fun, party and the most fun was getting laid. I even had a small motor home parked outside so I didn't have to take them home or pay for a motel room

 

"What single guy is out looking for a girl with 4 kids"

 

That is why the guys are hanging out at the bars, looking for a one night stand, They are not looking for a relationship, newly divorced and married are lots of fun, as they will try the nasty things that they won't do with their husbands. I used to have the panty collection to prove it.

 

The next night at the bar all you had to say was "She swallowed" and the bar tender or one of your buddies would give you a free cold one.

[kllj]

I have read all of the responces and I see where I have been wrong. After putting a lot of thought into things I decided to go home where my husband was watching the kids for the weekend. After being there for 5 minutes he started questioning me about what I did all weekend. He then tried going through my phone saying I was hiding something. I told him I have had enough of his jealousy and insecurty and we are done. I am not going to live my life like this anymore. He can be there for his kids but we are done.