Better if they love you more than you love them..

[TigerCub]

Hi everyone,

 

I've heard this said before - that its better to marry someone that loves you more than you love them.

 

Ideally, I would hope that the 2 people getting married love each other a lot, but I've also heard that its never equal. One person will love the other more.

 

I don't quite know why, but something about that saying bothers me. It just comes off as using someone, I can't really explain why it does, but to me, it kind of does.

 

I would want to love the man I marry (if I ever marry) with all my heart, I want to love them fully, and I really wouldn't marry someone that I just "kinda loved" because they loved me more.

 

What do you guys think?

 

To the married people, does that saying make sense? Does your spouse love you more than you love them?

 

Or if you feel you love your spouse more than they love you - doesn't that make you feel short changed or insignificant?

 

Thanks

[reboot]

The person who loves more is always at a disadvantage. And from what I've seen, it's rarely equal.

[TigerCub]

The person who loves more is always at a disadvantage. And from what I've seen, it's rarely equal.

 

So then, pretty much 1 part of (almost) any married couple is at a disadvantage?

 

What puts them at the disadvantage? Is it that they would be more likely to give to the relationship? Or is it that they are aware that their partner doesn't love them as much.

 

I don't know...the way I see it, it would suck to be the one that loves more, but why can't it be equal?

[yessy21]

Im not sure but i think my bf loves me more than i love him.... and the reason people say its better is because in the end.... u wont be loosing. thats actually a very negative saying.

[TigerCub]

Im not sure but i think my bf loves me more than i love him.... and the reason people say its better is because in the end.... u wont be loosing. thats actually a very negative saying.

 

I agree.

 

I just think its good to love, respect and treat each other well. How does one know that their SO loves them more than they love them?

 

Is it a feeling?

 

I'm just so confused with this saying...

[maiden71]

It's almost always the man who loves the woman more in a marriage. With all of my friends it's that way, and my relationship as well. And YES it does suck (and hurt) to be the one who cares so much more. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that women marry for money and financial security a lot of the time where as men usually don't.

[xxoo]

I love my H with all my heart...

 

But I do believe that he has loved me more.

 

He loved before I did....was ready to commit before I was....sacrificed before I did....accepted me for who I am before I was mature enough to return the same....

 

I eventually caught up on all accounts

 

I don't think he's ever felt at a disadvantage. But, if you asked him this question, he might answer that I've loved him more, and have his own list to support that. Maybe it is all in the perspective?

[TigerCub]

It's almost always the man who loves the woman more in a marriage. With all of my friends it's that way, and my relationship as well. And YES it does suck (and hurt) to be the one who cares so much more. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that women marry for money and financial security a lot of the time where as men usually don't.

 

I don't know about that line in bold. I'm sure it holds true for some people, but probably not as much as it did back in the day. Women work, earn their own money, are capable of providing for themselves - so I don't know if that holds true like it did back when they didn't.

 

but I could be wrong.

[TigerCub]

I love my H with all my heart...

 

But I do believe that he has loved me more.

 

He loved before I did....was ready to commit before I was....sacrificed before I did....accepted me for who I am before I was mature enough to return the same....

 

I eventually caught up on all accounts

Those 2 things in bold hold true in my relationship with my boyfriend, but I never thought that he loved me more than I loved him.

All I know is that I'm happy being with him, I like to do things to make him happy, and he treats me better than any other guy I've ever dated (that was true for round 1 and even more true for us now).

 

 

I don't think he's ever felt at a disadvantage. But, if you asked him this question, he might answer that I've loved him more, and have his own list to support that. Maybe it is all in the perspective?

I wonder about that too. That's what a huge part of my confusion is - how do you know who loves who more in a relationship were both people are really good to each other - and does it matter?

 

 

I think it would make me sad if he felt that he loved me more than I love him. I try to make him happy, we are happy, I just find it all so confusing...

[Woggle]

I think men usually love way more than women. With men they love the woman but with the other way around they love what he can provide for them or how he makes her feel rather than actually loving him.

[maiden71]

I think men usually love way more than women. With men they love the woman but with the other way around they love what he can provide for them or how he makes her feel rather than actually loving him.

Exactly. I really hate it, but it is definitely true.

[xxoo]

I wonder about that too. That's what a huge part of my confusion is - how do you know who loves who more in a relationship were both people are really good to each other - and does it matter?

 

 

I think it would make me sad if he felt that he loved me more than I love him. I try to make him happy, we are happy, I just find it all so confusing...

 

Have you ever heard of a mother hoping that each of her children grows up to believe that he was the most loved child? If each child believes that he/she is the favorite, she's done a great job

 

I think that can hold true for relationships. When each person believes that he or she is the most loved, each person is doing their job very well

[TigerCub]

I think men usually love way more than women. With men they love the woman but with the other way around they love what he can provide for them or how he makes her feel rather than actually loving him.

 

ok, but would a man love a woman that didn't make him feel good?

 

I'll admit it, I love my boyfriend because he has these quirky traits about him that I love, I love that he gets me, I love that he finds that stupidest things I do so amusing and lovable, but its true I love how he makes me feel, but I doubt that he would love me if I made him feel like s**t.

 

who would love someone that doesn't make them feel good?

 

ok, I guess it happens in dysfunctional relationships, but these people usually have deeper issues that need to be addressed? No?

[TigerCub]

Have you ever heard of a mother hoping that each of her children grows up to believe that he was the most loved child? If each child believes that he/she is the favorite, she's done a great job

 

I think that can hold true for relationships. When each person believes that he or she is the most loved, each person is doing their job very well

 

haha

that's an awesome way of putting it.

 

I guess my mission is now to make him believe that HE is the one that's loved most - hey, maybe he already thinks that - I honestly don't know - maybe that's a good sign

[Woggle]

Of course people love others that make them feel good but women don't really care about the person. Men love the woman as well while women don't really love the man. I am generalizing but this tends to be the case.

[TigerCub]

Of course people love others that make them feel good but women don't really care about the person. Men love the woman as well while women don't really love the man. I am generalizing but this tends to be the case.

 

I really have to think about that one.

if it indeed is true, that's very sad.

 

but if a woman loves the man's quirks, and certain qualities about him (being honest, funny, smart, good looking, romantic, etc..) isn't that loving the man?

 

if it isn't - what does loving the man entail? (honest question)...

[threebyfate]

Tigercub, how does one quantify love to the degree that you can compare it like bread boxes?

[threebyfate]

Thinking about this a bit more, love can't be quantified.

 

The following are some of the personality traits, actions and behaviours that can be quantified within relationships:

 

• The more or less giving, the more you're going to put into or take out of the relationship and the other person.
  
• The more or less committed, the more or less you're going to stay in the relationship or leave.
  
• The more or less codependent/independent, the more or less you'll cling to the relationship or need from the other person.
  
• The more insecure/secure, the more you'll control or relax in the relationship or control/relax with the other person.
  

 

But people who need to suck the life out of their partners because of insecurities, aren't in the least loving beyond loving themselves.

[scaredandalone1223]

I agree with xxoo. If I always believe my husband loves me more I work hard to show him how much I love him, to show appreciation for his love for me and strive to love him the most. If he does the same it doesn't matter who loves the most as we are always trying to build the love we have for each other stronger.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Of course people love others that make them feel good but women don't really care about the person. Men love the woman as well while women don't really love the man. I am generalizing but this tends to be the case.

 

NO NO NO NONONONONOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

What would your wife say if she read this?

 

I hope she'd slap you upside your head!

 

Okay, to the OP:

 

I agree with TBF's post. If you are experiencing real, true, enduring, long-term love, it cannot be quantified that way.

 

The emotional experience - the "feeling" of love is always in a state of flux.

 

People feel it more at some times than at others, and people feel and express it differently from one another.

 

Love is a feeling, but I believe it is also something that transcends feelings and does have an immutable quality at the same time.

 

I just got married on Wednesday. I am completely "unchurched" but I really wanted to have this traditional biblical passage included in our vows:

 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

New International Version (NIV)

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 

because I truly believe it is the truth.

 

And, back to you, Woggle:

 

I LOVE my husband 100% for who he is. I can't even describe it. Sometimes I just watch him doing whatever he's doing and feel such a surge of love for him; for what is motivating him to do whatever it is, for the look on his face while he's doing it, for the journey of HIS life that's led him to this time and place where he's doing whatever it is he's doing in proximity to me. I love HIM.

 

I am WAY more expressive of love than he is, and he likes to be practical so he leaves the "romantical" part out a lot more than I'd prefer, but I NEVER think that I love him "more" than he loves me. Or vice versa. If I did feel either way, I don't believe that I would have married him. The balance is key.

[xxoo]

Thinking about this a bit more, love can't be quantified.

 

The following are some of the personality traits, actions and behaviours that can be quantified within relationships:

 

Some of those actions evidence love.

 

I've personally experienced a deepening of my own love for my H over the years. My love for him has deepened and grown, and my actions have reflected that in some ways. I don't know how to objectively quantify it, but I can feel a difference between more and less.

 

It may be significant that we fell in love at a young age, and had some maturing to do that was outside the scope of the relationship itself. Even if I've always loved him with all I have, that is more now than it was when we married

Edited September 10, 2011 by xxoo

[Woggle]

I don't how it is with my wife but with many they use the man sort of like a drug. Being with him produces a certain emotion in them and that is what they love about it. Why do you think that when they stop feeling that emotion many of them cheat or fall out of love with their men. With men many of them would die for their woman but often their is very little loyalty or love the other way around. Once that emotional high is no longer there he is treated like a used up rag.

[luvbun80]

I don't how it is with my wife but with many they use the man sort of like a drug. Being with him produces a certain emotion in them and that is what they love about it. Why do you think that when they stop feeling that emotion many of them cheat or fall out of love with their men. With men many of them would die for their woman but often their is very little loyalty or love the other way around. Once that emotional high is no longer there he is treated like a used up rag.

 

Funny, I've tended to think the opposite, i.e. men love stronger, women love deeper.

 

For the original question. I've never heard that said, but it seems rather nonsensical to me. Better to be loving less? So I'm supposed to look for someone I don't love too much? Can't begin to tell you how ridiculous that sounds. Maybe just some sort of tongue in cheek "don't get hurt in your next relationship" advice.

[sunshinegirl]

I remember hearing that some years ago, and I had a mixed reaction at the time. Initially, I thought "gross! Who wants such an imbalance?" and then my second thought was "hmm, maybe that's not so bad considering I keep getting stuck in relationships where I care WAY more than the guy does. Sure would be nice to be on the other side of that for once."

 

Now that I'm married, I think it's nonsensical. Yes, of course I needed to find a guy who actually loved me, but that didn't mean his love had to outweigh my love for him. In fact, I think it would be sad and really unfulfilling to experience a discernable imbalance in our feelings. I like how Mme. Chaucer says there is ebb and flow over the course of a long relationship, but the overall arc I think should be one of equitable levels of devotion and affection. I would feel really horrible if I knew my husband was willing to throw himself in front of a truck for me but I wasn't willing to do the same for him.

 

I think that someone who wants their partner to love them more is probably operating out of insecurity and fear (which I can relate to, but thankfully I worked on myself and got out of that mindset).

[Try]

I've heard this said before - that its better to marry someone that loves you more than you love them.

It is only better if you seek to have the upper hand in ending the marriage. If you seek happiness in the marriage, waking up next to someone that you love with all of your heart is the way to go.

 

Or if you feel you love your spouse more than they love you - doesn't that make you feel short changed or insignificant?

Since being married to someone that you love very much is better and more enjoyable for you than being married to someone that you love only love a little, the one being short changed is the one that loves the least. Again, if happiness is your goal, try to love your spouse as much as possible. It feels great.

Edited September 10, 2011 by Try