Over 45 - how much patience?

[CarrieT]

At 47, it has been over three years since I have been in a relationship (heck, I came to LS to manage the ending of the last one).

 

I played around with FWB and NSAs and had a full two years of celibacy. I went back onto the serious dating sites about six months ago and had a LOT of First Dates.

 

Then ten weeks ago I met Daniel. And I was honest with him that as I found him on the dating site, I was still corresponding with others as I was just learning how to date again after the two years of solitude and abstinence. He told me that he was only interested in the potential of a long-term, monogamous relationship and that when I was done multi-dating, to give him a call; that he was interested in me.

 

I thought about it for several days and realized he was essentially offering that which I was looking for; intelligence, stability, obvious chemistry, etc. I called him back, told him that I had hidden my dating profile and ended all potential conversations I was having with others, and was hoping to get to know him better.

 

Unlike EVERY OTHER MAN I had ever met (and those who know me, know that it is in the triple digits), Daniel absolutely refused to get intimate with me (other than heaving petting) until both of us showed proof of negative STD tests. Perhaps I should add that I met him on a particularly specific kinky sex site. I'm not sure if that has any bearing on this or not... We were both searching for long-term relationships that involved our kink, but unlike most, instead of starting with the sex/kink, he wanted to get to know me first - a complete and utter rarity for me.

 

And now the problem is that his job has gotten in the way. We have only seen each other for a few hours (a meal) at a time about every ten days. He admits that the rest of his life (his bills, walking his dog, yard work), is all suffering because of a big project he has been given. And he can't tell me how long it will last; possibly until the end of the year...

 

So I am in this conundrum. Am I wanting it that much more because it is so different than what I have ever had? And how long do I wait? We have both had our tests, but he can't find time for me. I do believe him that it is his job - I can tell he hasn't signed into the site where we met and much of our connection has been our abject honesty about certain things (the kink).

 

To come so close to a potential - and if I give him an ultimatum, he is likely to end it entirely for not wanting a multi-dater in his life.

 

I'd appreciate the thoughts of those who are mature. No offense to you youngsters, but you live in a Facebook/text-driven world of instant gratification. If I were 20-something, I would have given up on Daniel weeks ago, but having had so few connections in the past few years, I'm questioning if a man like this is even capable of NOT living for his job and what kind of relationship will that be for me anyway.

[Alma Mobley]

Do you know much about his dating/relationship history?

[CarrieT]

Do you know much about his dating/relationship history?

 

He was married early in life for four to five years, had a son, and got divorced when his son was 18 months old = he raised his son on his own as his wife didn't want to be a mother and put him through college.

 

He has had a handful of four- to five-year relationships but not much in the past three years.

 

Of additional note, when we met - based on his demeanor and look - I thought he was roughly my age. He confessed on our second date that he is actually 60 and THAT blew me away; he doesn't look like any of my other 60-year old friends. There is 60-year old decrepit and 60-year old virile, of which he is the latter.

[OliveOyl]

I am over 45. While I am not of the FB/texting instant gratification generation, because of my age I look at it a different way. Who knows how much more time we may have (to find men that will be happy with us at our age, to have fully satisfying sex, etc. etc.). And for me personally, a couple of hours every ten days would not be enough, unless I knew he was worth waiting for AND there was a clear endpoint.

 

You've had the tests but he's still waiting because of a big work project? It just sounds strange to me that he has no time in the evenings to put into the relationship.

 

I'm not sure how patient I would be. Probably not as patient as you've been.

[coolheadal]

Funny I would look young to you all for my age I take care of myself and don't run down myself doesn't make much sense to do it. Anyway if you have enough money to support you both then he could quit his demanding job. But he's soon to retired soon. 60 is pretty old unless he looks like 50 to you. But again age shouldn't matter if you're in love. Well don't want to rock the boat so 10 to 15 years difference. It's also a shame how the online dating or getting to someone has changed over the years.

[Yookie]

At 47, it has been over three years since I have been in a relationship (heck, I came to LS to manage the ending of the last one).

 

I played around with FWB and NSAs and had a full two years of celibacy. I went back onto the serious dating sites about six months ago and had a LOT of First Dates.

 

Then ten weeks ago I met Daniel. And I was honest with him that as I found him on the dating site, I was still corresponding with others as I was just learning how to date again after the two years of solitude and abstinence. He told me that he was only interested in the potential of a long-term, monogamous relationship and that when I was done multi-dating, to give him a call; that he was interested in me.

 

I thought about it for several days and realized he was essentially offering that which I was looking for; intelligence, stability, obvious chemistry, etc. I called him back, told him that I had hidden my dating profile and ended all potential conversations I was having with others, and was hoping to get to know him better.

 

Unlike EVERY OTHER MAN I had ever met (and those who know me, know that it is in the triple digits), Daniel absolutely refused to get intimate with me (other than heaving petting) until both of us showed proof of negative STD tests. Perhaps I should add that I met him on a particularly specific kinky sex site. I'm not sure if that has any bearing on this or not... We were both searching for long-term relationships that involved our kink, but unlike most, instead of starting with the sex/kink, he wanted to get to know me first - a complete and utter rarity for me.

 

And now the problem is that his job has gotten in the way. We have only seen each other for a few hours (a meal) at a time about every ten days. He admits that the rest of his life (his bills, walking his dog, yard work), is all suffering because of a big project he has been given. And he can't tell me how long it will last; possibly until the end of the year...

 

So I am in this conundrum. Am I wanting it that much more because it is so different than what I have ever had? And how long do I wait? We have both had our tests, but he can't find time for me. I do believe him that it is his job - I can tell he hasn't signed into the site where we met and much of our connection has been our abject honesty about certain things (the kink).

 

To come so close to a potential - and if I give him an ultimatum, he is likely to end it entirely for not wanting a multi-dater in his life.

 

I'd appreciate the thoughts of those who are mature. No offense to you youngsters, but you live in a Facebook/text-driven world of instant gratification. If I were 20-something, I would have given up on Daniel weeks ago, but having had so few connections in the past few years, I'm questioning if a man like this is even capable of NOT living for his job and what kind of relationship will that be for me anyway.

 

This is huge. You really want a relationship where you see your mate every 10 days for a meal? Are you ever intimate with him? Why no sleep overs? He has to go home and sleep at some point. Why not together? How long have you two been seeing each other exclusively?

 

He was married early in life for four to five years, had a son, and got divorced when his son was 18 months old = he raised his son on his own as his wife didn't want to be a mother and put him through college.

 

He has had a handful of four- to five-year relationships but not much in the past three years.

 

Of additional note, when we met - based on his demeanor and look - I thought he was roughly my age. He confessed on our second date that he is actually 60 and THAT blew me away; he doesn't look like any of my other 60-year old friends. There is 60-year old decrepit and 60-year old virile, of which he is the latter.

 

Sorry but I'm inclined to disagree. He doesn't seem to have a high libido at all unless he's getting satisfied elsewhere.

[Feelin Frisky]

If he is a man and he is not MAKING TIME like the sky is falling to get to you, I would think something ain't right. I'm an old cuss too--the new forty --and I just had a chance with someone. It didn't work out--probably because I wasn't ready to send pictures of myself and talk travel--but I tell you, my heart was on fire. I can't imagine clicking and getting ridiculous about testing and then finding reasons not to see each other. Life is too short--especially now. Better luck to us both.

[CarrieT]

I just got off the phone with him. On a Friday, he didn't get home from work until 8:30 at night...

 

I am working an art festival tomorrow (my second gig) and we talked about seeing each other on Sunday. It might be the first time we have done something besides just a meal and in this evening's talk, I was frank that without giving ultimatums, I'm not sure how long I will be willing to wait around. And he was very open in stating he doesn't blame me if I decide to look elsewhere.

 

I am pragmatic in that regard; I have been on 30-something First Dates this year and to start dating again, I would have to un-hide my online profile and start the vetting process again - a difficult process at this age...

 

Yookie, we have not been intimate because our mutual test results just came back a week or so ago - after the last time we saw each other. It is entirely possible that if we see each other this Sunday, we'll never get to a movie, but do the dirty...

 

I'll report back at the end of the weekend and let you know if he cancels (as has happened before) or if we get to spend time together.

[Cee]

I am 41, btw.

 

I suggest you tell him what he told you. He told you to call him when you quit multi-dating. And you did precisely that and hid your profile. Tell him that he should call you when the work project is over and he has time for you. And you can retake a STD panel at that time, although it's possible you won't have sex in the interim.

 

But whatever you do, give up on the multi-dating. It is a dead end and will numb you from the good men that are out there. Slow things down and be deliberate about your dating choices. I think that will help increase your chances.

[LittleTiger]

No, I wouldn't wait for this one - I'm 46.

 

There's nothing wrong with waiting for a man if he's worth waiting for, but I like a man to be very, very keen before I consider him worth it and this man isn't keen enough IMO.

 

If you get to have sex with him soon and he doesn't start coming on strong after that he's definitely not worth it.

[Art_Critic]

Carrie.. he gives YOU an ultimatum about multi-dating and essentially says he wants to be exclusive but then he doesn't act like he is in a relationship with you and doesn't give you the time that you require..

 

I say you go back to multi-dating and tell him that a few hrs every 10 days is entirely unacceptable.

It sounds like he doesn't want to be in a relationship or can't becuase of his job and he wasn't being honest with you from the get go about his commitments other than you.

 

The other option is to ride it out.. with the nudging that things must change and allow him to make those changes in work..

I did something similar when I got married in my early 30's and was working 20 hr days.. I made a pact with myself that I would change my work habits and did.. I went to 50-60 hrs a week in the flip of a light switch because it was important..

 

You have more info than we have about him.. if he trips your trigger then of course waiting is okay.. but you need to enforce some boundaries..

[Mme. Chaucer]

I am 41, btw.

 

I suggest you tell him what he told you. He told you to call him when you quit multi-dating. And you did precisely that and hid your profile. Tell him that he should call you when the work project is over and he has time for you. And you can retake a STD panel at that time, although it's possible you won't have sex in the interim.

 

I think that's very good advice.

[shayla]

At his age I'd have to wonder if he is stalling because he has ED or some other kind of sexual issue. When my ex and I got our test results, we went to the motel across the street from the testing center, we could not even wait to get home. And he was 56 years old.

[marlena]

Hi Carrie,

 

The fact that his words do not match his actions would cause me to reflect and question his motives. You can't say you want a serious relationship and then see someone once every ten days. My unshakeable belief is that when the longing for someone is there, there's always a way to find time no matter how busy one may be. Something just isn't kosher here.

 

I would talk to me him and point out this discrepancy between actions and words. And then decide what to do.

 

Good luck!

[Ruby Slippers]

I would not wait around for him. I would continue dating others.

 

The most attractive quality in anyone, male or female, is happiness, a lifestyle of taking charge and going for what you want.

 

How happy would you be depriving yourself of experiences with other, more open prospects, and feeling unfulfilled by your limited time with him? I'd guess not very. In addition to decreasing your happiness, this will probably also diminish your appeal to others.

[CarrieT]

At his age I'd have to wonder if he is stalling because he has ED or some other kind of sexual issue. When my ex and I got our test results, we went to the motel across the street from the testing center, we could not even wait to get home. And he was 56 years old.

 

Shayla, I know for a fact that he does have a level of ED. Our second date was an oddity of him providing Full Disclosure; that was when he confessed his full age and that at the age of 42 he had a triple bi-pass (showing me his scars), and that he now has Type II Diabetes. I asked if a Blue Pill was required and he assented, "Sometimes." I have no problem with that.

 

And I have taken all of your comments very much to heart. Today is make-or-break day for Daniel. It is just morning now as I write this and while he suggested we get together today, if he cancels at the last minute - as has happened a few times - I'll tell him exactly what Cee recommended; that he work through his project and call me when it is done to see if I am still available...

[shayla]

CarrieT,

I think that most men that age have that problem, especially when there is alcohol involved. You know that romantic glass of wine, it can cause real problems later when you want to make love.

 

Some of the diabetic medications can cause ED as well.

The blue pill is fabulous! My boyfriend was nervous about our first time so he took one without telling me. Whew, talk about intense!

 

Anyway. even if he does have that problem, not making time for you is not a good thing. Good luck.

[CarrieT]

This is how my luck goes...

 

Deciding that today is make-or-break for Daniel, I spend the morning working through my speech in anticipation of him not being able to see me because of his work.

 

He usually calls by 11:00ish so when I don't hear from him by 1:00, I call with complete resolution about telling him that I remain interested and to call me when he is ready to see me.

 

Phoning back about an hour later, I learn that at his son's banquet last evening, he got food poisoning -- as did most of the guests -- and he was up all night being ill.

 

Well of course I'm not going to give him the speech, but nor am I able to see him today as he is still recuperating.

 

And so we move forward, probably for another week in this same fashion...

 

Oh well.

[ja123]

It is very unfair of him to ask you to wait given that the two of you haven't even begun a relationship.

 

I wonder what his real reason is for asking you to wait? Is he feeling ambivalent about starting a relationship? Is is unsure of himself? Is he as experienced in kink as he says (maybe he's intimidated by your level of experience and thinks he can't measure up)? It could be many reasons. It just seems like he's using his work as an excuse.

[LittleTiger]

It is very unfair of him to ask you to wait given that the two of you haven't even begun a relationship.

 

I agree!

 

If I was you, I would continue dating other men until Daniel makes himself available for the relationship he 'says' that he wants.

[carhill]

At his age, if he doesn't have time for dating and/or sex, that's a real harbinger of where he's at in life. Men that age generally have their lives under control and can easily manage their time to include relationships. If 'big projects' rule him, they do. He can devote his time and energy to them. The rewards and prestige which come from their success can keep him warm at night. If he finds the miracle non-surgical cure for gallstones, I'll give him a big wet kiss

 

As far as 'busy' and 'patience' go, one 'busy' without an enthusiastic contemporaneous proactive reschedule causes my interest to depart like the space shuttle from the launch pad. People our age know better than to pull that kind of stuff, IMO.

[Woman In Blue]

I was frank that without giving ultimatums, I'm not sure how long I will be willing to wait around. And he was very open in stating he doesn't blame me if I decide to look elsewhere..

I'm assuming it was FetLife you met this guy on. Wow, he's done everything possible to show you how NOT interested he is - right down to TELLING you he wouldn't blame you if you looked elsewhere. Are those the words of a man whose very interested in a woman and doesn't want to lose her????? If the guy were any LESS interested in dating or commitment, he'd be in a coma.

 

I'm 52 and would have kicked this guy to the curb a long time ago. While I'm not a youngin' living my life via text and FB, I also realize that I don't have all the time in the world to waste on a guy who has NOTHING but excuses about why he can't see me. What's the freakin POINT? You're wasting your pretty on this old game player.

 

I'm also going to assume he lied about his age in his profile if you weren't aware he's 60 years old. How charming. The guy is set in his ways and giving you only enough to keep you at the end of the string. As I said, his bullcrap wouldn't have flown with me and he would have been gone a long time ago, but you must have the patience of a saint to continue hanging onto the end of that string. You're wasting your time.

 

Turn your profile back on and find someone whose actually interested in spending time with you - not someone whose constantly standing you up or giving you lame excuses as to why he can't see you.

[CarrieT]

I'm assuming it was FetLife you met this guy on.

 

Collarme, actually...

 

Ironically, I forgot I had a Fetlife profile and was approached yesterday from someone on that site - first time in about three years from that site.

 

The irony is not lost on me that for desiring a D/s relationship, I have been the aggressor in my relationship with Daniel and that the dissatisfaction and ennui is growing daily.

 

As I have been the one to send provocative texts and messages (to keep him enticed), I am in a holding pattern now and won't seek Daniel out. I will hear from here later on this week and I'm sure we will be discussing all this at length.

[Art_Critic]

Carrie... Are you saying you like to be the sub?

If so then I think right now you are playing that role wanting him to make the decisions ...

You need to be dominate while choosing a man who is good for you.

[CarrieT]

Carrie... Are you saying you like to be the sub?

If so then I think right now you are playing that role wanting him to make the decisions ...

You need to be dominate while choosing a man who is good for you.

 

Yes - but I have been having to Top from the bottom and I'm tired of being the pursuer.

 

He has requested I wear dresses and I have. He has requested I wax and I have. He has requested more eye make-up and I have learned to do that. I prepare and serve the meals - I have yet to be taken out...

 

This is why it has gotten to that point; I have been complacent in waiting for him to make the decisions -- as he should -- with me being the wet noodle and waiting for the Dominance that hasn't really manifested itself except in very limited instances.

 

All that and no intercourse in ten weeks - just heavy petting and some fingering on his part.

 

I know - the more I write about this more and more I see how lame it has become. It is more than just sex; I honestly want a long-term relationship but not one as a doormat, just one where D/s exists in the bedroom but a true partnership exists and that is just not happening when I spend my weekends alone.