Over 45 - how much patience?

[CarrieT]

I'm trying to be very objective. When I called him last week, I gave him little chance to talk as I had my "speech" mostly written and I was rather anxious to make sure I got it all out.

 

I am honestly wondering if he wants some closure; I offered dinner and he hasn't responded - neither, "no, don't worry we'll grab something" or "sure, that would be lovely."

 

He has been very up-front from the onset about talking through all our issues and the fact that I left the door open for him might be that he wants to come and talk in person to completely shut the door and not give me hope. It would absolutely be in his nature to do something like that as an early problem we had at the onset of the relationship was very much talked through. That I haven't given him the opportunity to talk through this one might mean that he wants to see me just to make a clean break.

 

I will know immediately when he arrives; he normally kisses immediately (rather deeply) and I am going to request from the onset that if he drove over just to talk about the ending, than I don't want that kiss because it will hurt me that much more.

 

I'll report back late tonight or tomorrow and I really do appreciate the insight and caution.

[Hot Chick]

If I were you, I would have said "Let's go out to dinner." He hasn't taken you out in public after 10 weeks of dating, from what you stated. That would truly bother me. I would start thinking he was ashamed of me if going to each others' places was the extent of the "relationship." I can't say that's ever happened to me before, though (well, I simply would not allow it.)

[CarrieT]

Being in the middle of a heatwave in Napa, neither of us wanted to go anywhere - out to dinner or otherwise. It was too hot to cook and I just opened a bottle of wine and we sat under a tree in my backyard and just relaxed.

 

I know how bad Mondays are for him so the fact that he wanted to take some time away to come see me was a big a deal - I rarely even heard from him on Mondays.

 

He could see I was tense as when he arrived, I was on the phone dealing with a work issue (one that has me up and out the door before 5:00 a.m. this morning). We both had our minds full of work and he was the one who was telling me to relax, but I'm sure I was nervous on other levels as well; not sure if I was being thrown a bone or not.

 

There was some extended intimacy later in the evening (much more than we had ever done in the past), but too hot for full intercourse, even in my meagerly air-conditioned art studio. I didn't press him on when I would see him next, but he made a point of saying that things are going to change - have to change for him - and that "next time" there would be more...

 

The interesting point is that now, since my break-up phone call of last week, I've re-opened dating profiles and am getting hits; some which might be worth pursuing further. I had told Daniel last week that I was going to start dating more but he didn't ask last night if I had started and I didn't tell him.

[mzdolphin]

I am over 45. While I am not of the FB/texting instant gratification generation, because of my age I look at it a different way. Who knows how much more time we may have (to find men that will be happy with us at our age, to have fully satisfying sex, etc. etc.). And for me personally, a couple of hours every ten days would not be enough, unless I knew he was worth waiting for AND there was a clear endpoint.

 

You've had the tests but he's still waiting because of a big work project? It just sounds strange to me that he has no time in the evenings to put into the relationship.

 

I'm not sure how patient I would be. Probably not as patient as you've been.

 

This sounds very strange. I'm 45 and if I become intimate I just insist on condomn. I do get to know the guy, try working on the three-month rule. I mean that's how long they make you wait to get health insurance.

[ascendotum]

This sounds very strange. I'm 45 and if I become intimate I just insist on condomn. I do get to know the guy, try working on the three-month rule. I mean that's how long they make you wait to get health insurance.

 

3mths. Do you make em wait longer the older they get. As a guy I'd be weary of the lets take it slow and be friends first because I'd be inclined to see her more as a friend after no sex for 3 mths + also I'd be suspect the women as having no strong passion for me with the prospect that likewise I'd get friendzoned while she is dating/considering other prospects in the meantime.

 

Carrie, I think its a good idea that you follow up on your other dating prospects. As you said maybe you are 'getting thrown a bone', I suspect it could be the case. It took this guy 10 weeks to make the effort for some passion, and this was only after your 'good luck I'm moving on' call. It shouldn't have to come to that. This guy is not young and is putting in big hours and maybe under a fair bit of stress, but still that’s should not become your problem for the next 12+ weeks or however long the project takes.

Maybe it might be the start of a turn around or maybe another crumb. Keep another iron in the fire and strike up some conversations with these other guys while the next 2 weeks pan out.

[mitchell]

Interesting turn of events. I'm curious what the immediate future holds for the two of you. Time will tell if he honestly wants to change his ways and make things work.

 

I'm curious about what other have implied. Any ED issues with him when you were intimate? Perhaps there is a medical reason why he is playing so coy.

[CarrieT]

Interesting turn of events. I'm curious what the immediate future holds for the two of you. Time will tell if he honestly wants to change his ways and make things work.

I'm very curious as well. And I have left my profile up on the dating sites; not given Daniel exclusivity right now (well, exclusivity to intimacy maybe...)

 

As stated, he has been very up-front and honest and I do not believe he has another sub as Eddie Edirol has suggested. The reason is that after our first date, he was the one who walked away and told me to call him when I was done dating others - at that point he would be interested in seeing me. A few days later, I called him and HE was the one who said he was already seeing someone else. I reiterated the same thing; that I was sorry but that if he found himself free, to call me... He ended up phoning four or five days later, telling me that the woman in question was an old relationship he was re-reconsidering and that as it didn't work the first time around, he couldn't see trying again. He very easily could have kept and played both of us but he was honest about it when I reconnected with him.

 

I'm curious about what other have implied. Any ED issues with him when you were intimate? Perhaps there is a medical reason why he is playing so coy.

Yes, when I started to go down on him, it took a bit for him to rally. There is a medical reason for the ED and he gave me full disclosure on our second date; he has Type II Diabetes and I asked him at that time if he used blue pills to which he replied, "sometimes," so the ED was well known beforehand and there was no coyness on his part. There has been nothing but frank openness on every issue from health to financial obligations to bodily matters (birth control, menstruation, anal sex, etc.)

 

Last evening, as we were going through our wine (being in Napa, I have a some amazing wine), I offered to pour him some more and he implied it would affect his performance. I was successfully able to get him off and we finished the bottle afterwards, although at that point there was only a glass or so left. I asked him to go down on me and THAT was what he said he was waiting for next time - so he could take his time.

[Art_Critic]

I asked him to go down on me and THAT was what he said he was waiting for next time - so he could take his time.

 

Are you up for this kind of messing with your head ?

 

He doesn't seem like a very kind person.

[CarrieT]

Are you up for this kind of messing with your head ?

 

He doesn't seem like a very kind person.

 

I am, yes. It builds anticipation and I like the extended foreplay - it is a bit of a novelty versus the guys who dive right in and leave no mystery.

 

He got me off last night as well - just not with his mouth.

[OliveOyl]

It sounds interesting... I can tell you are hooked.

 

So is he now planning to see you more than a couple of hours, every ten days?

[Art_Critic]

I am, yes. It builds anticipation and I like the extended foreplay - it is a bit of a novelty versus the guys who dive right in and leave no mystery.

 

Yeah.. I guess it does..providing he comes thru in the end and gives you some of what you need.

Anticipation is nice and he did play it well..

Good Luck...

 

Just a side note of something rumbling around in my head and feel free to take it with a grain of salt:

 

I have wondered though if he isn't putting off sex so he can stay true to another woman..

I think I can speak for most guys and say that in his shoes I would've nailed you.. (if I was single that is).

[CarrieT]

It sounds interesting... I can tell you are hooked.

I'm hooked physically, yes. Not sure if my heart is there yet but abject desire is... I have told him as such and that we really do need some quality "public time" beyond just our pseudo-sexual encounters (although that is mostly what is filling my head at the moment).

 

So is he now planning to see you more than a couple of hours, every ten days?

I have no idea. Now is the game of seeing when next I hear from him and in what capacity. I have been trying to not be the Bunny Boiler and let him lead our time together. He knows I have been dissatisfied with it and acknowledged that much.

 

Yeah.. I guess it does..providing he comes thru in the end and gives you some of what you need.

Anticipation is nice and he did play it well..

Good Luck...

Thanks, AC. Not sure exactly what I need versus what I want. I am pragmatic that I am thinking with my hormones at the moment and am somewhat glad for the time away from him. My last relationship started in a full sexual flurry and it was ultimately problematic - to say the least.

 

Just a side note of something rumbling around in my head and feel free to take it with a grain of salt:

 

I have wondered though if he isn't putting off sex so he can stay true to another woman...

I don't believe that is the case, but have been wrong before. I believe that as far as last night was concerned, it really was just plain too hot and uncomfortable. We were on my couch and not a real bed and I have told him that I want to actually SLEEP with him; to smell him and wake up with him.

 

 

I think I can speak for most guys and say that in his shoes I would've nailed you.. (if I was single that is).

Thanks, Schnookems.

I know this is part of what I am finding so charming. Every other guy I've been with would have nailed me too... Perhaps by making me wait he is building the more intimate, emotional connection that has been such a rarity in my existence. Maybe THAT is his game...

[Hot Chick]

So you did address that you've been seeing each other for 10 weeks and have yet to go out in public together on a date? I would feel like a piece of trash if a guy treated me like that.....maybe that's just me, though....are you sure he's not married?

[CarrieT]

So you did address that you've been seeing each other for 10 weeks and have yet to go out in public together on a date? I would feel like a piece of trash if a guy treated me like that.....maybe that's just me, though....are you sure he's not married?

I have been to his house a number of times so I know he is not married.

 

And, yes, I addressed that we have not been out in public together.

[LittleTiger]

So you did address that you've been seeing each other for 10 weeks and have yet to go out in public together on a date? I would feel like a piece of trash if a guy treated me like that.....maybe that's just me, though....are you sure he's not married?

 

Hot Chick, what exactly do you hope to achieve by expressing how horrible you would feel in Carrie's situation? Carrie is not you and she clearly has a very different way of approaching relationships and her needs are different to yours.

 

She is currently content with the way this relationship is progressing and whilst it's clear she needs to proceed with caution, it's really not helpful to keep raining on her parade.

[9Lives]

Hot Chick, what exactly do you hope to achieve by expressing how horrible you would feel in Carrie's situation? Carrie is not you and she clearly has a very different way of approaching relationships and her needs are different to yours.

 

She is currently content with the way this relationship is progressing and whilst it's clear she needs to proceed with caution, it's really not helpful to keep raining on her parade.

 

While I agree that Hot Chick is very tacky in her approach, I do have to agree just a little bit with her on this one. This guy is spending hardly any time with Carrie, he turns her down for sex, he doesnt take her out anywhere. if this is the case, this is horrible for Carrie.

 

Now she dont know when she will hear from him again? I think she can do better in life than this dude. imo

[Art_Critic]

Thanks, Schnookems.

I know this is part of what I am finding so charming. Every other guy I've been with would have nailed me too... Perhaps by making me wait he is building the more intimate, emotional connection that has been such a rarity in my existence. Maybe THAT is his game...

 

I always stuck with my niche thing that worked with women too..

Of course I did on occasion use it for evil ..hahaha

[Hot Chick]

While I agree that Hot Chick is very tacky in her approach, I do have to agree just a little bit with her on this one. This guy is spending hardly any time with Carrie, he turns her down for sex, he doesnt take her out anywhere. if this is the case, this is horrible for Carrie.

 

Now she dont know when she will hear from him again? I think she can do better in life than this dude. imo

 

That's all I'm saying. My approach would be (and I'm in my late 30's and do like Facebook and texting but not as a major mode of communique with a potential mate) that if he called like he did, and asked to come over, I would not have done so. I would have been busy...and that could have been staying at home working out and watching a movie. Instead she had him come on over, attempted to impress him with fine wine, and serviced him sexually. I don't see how she could be happy with that treatment, and I don't see how she could be happy being his beck and call girl.

Edited September 21, 2011 by Hot Chick

[CarrieT]

Instead she had him come on over, attempted to impress him with fine wine, and serviced him sexually. I don't see how she could be happy with that treatment, and I don't see how she could be happy being his beck and call girl.

 

It is part of being a sub. It can be very fulfilling and satisfying to make another happy. As a professional chef, there was nothing I loved more than cooking and serving food to those who appreciated my cuisine. I am now an Executive Assistant to the President of a non-profit; in a way, I am a professional sub - I am at the beck-and-call of a powerful executive and making sure this person's life run as smoothly as possible gives me satisfaction. You call it being a doormat, but I make an excellent salary and have a great deal of responsibility in my corporate career, essentially servicing another.

 

The life of a D/s relationship is a fine line of getting one's own desires fulfilled as well and therein lies the rub; there are Dommes/Doms who are able to provide to a sub all he/she desires. That Daniel has not done so does not mean he will not. Much of what drew me to him is what he wrote and was different than what other Doms wrote. That is part of my waiting game. He has been told a number of times that my desires are not being fulfilled and I told him again as much last night. Without being a Bunny Boiler, the message has been delivered and even coming to spend time with me on a Monday, is a step in the right direction.

 

I'm willing to wait a bit and see where it goes. And in the meantime, I am engaging in discussions with three other Doms and one vanilla gentleman (meaning, three from Collarme and one from OKCupid).

[Hot Chick]

You can't compare your career to your dating life. It's not the same thing.

[CarrieT]

You can't compare your career to your dating life. It's not the same thing.

 

Of course I can; it is part of the core of my being and makes up who I am. It makes me a good partner for a dominant man and it makes me a kick-ass secretary; my willingness and ability to serve and make another's life better.

 

I have been a business owner. I have been in power and traveled the globe, managing employees. I have worked for people in kitchens and I have managed others in kitchens.

 

The daily interpersonal relations and how one lives one life is intertwined - how can it not be?

[LittleTiger]

That's all I'm saying. My approach would be (and I'm in my late 30's and do like Facebook and texting but not as a major mode of communique with a potential mate) that if he called like he did, and asked to come over, I would not have done so. I would have been busy...and that could have been staying at home working out and watching a movie. Instead she had him come on over, attempted to impress him with fine wine, and serviced him sexually. I don't see how she could be happy with that treatment, and I don't see how she could be happy being his beck and call girl.

 

I realise Carrie is perfectly capable of fighting her own corner on this, so my apologies Carrie for 'sticking my nose in' if it's not's welcome, but Hot Chick you are missing the point.

 

This is not about you! It's not your relationship or your life - it's Carrie's!

 

Carrie is an individual with her own needs and desires which are clearly very different from yours. She won't feel what you feel, or react the way you react. She makes her choices based on what she wants or hopes will happen with this man.

 

You don't know either Carrie or Daniel (I assume) and therefore you can't make assumptions about what's going on. There's nothing wrong with offering your advice and saying what you think is happening or even to disapprove of his behaviour, but how you would feel in this situation is not relevant and not helpful to Carrie.

[Hot Chick]

OK she posted the topic because she was unsatisfied with her 'relationship' and thinking of ending it with this guy. People use their own experiences all the time to help someone out who has asked for help.

I have a third date with a guy I'm connecting with this weekend and have known him a total of 2 1/2 weeks.....we have been to 2 different restaurants, and a street festival, and had a fabulous time. He has now asked me to spend time with him on Saturday....may involve spending time at his place but we are going out and doing something and having fun. Carrie has been seeing a guy since July and they have not been out in public and she is very dissatisfied at his lack of communication and how much she sees him....so I disagree in that sharing experience and what I am doing must be working and could be beneficial. What I would not do is accept how I was being treated by a guy who treats me in the way she has been treated by this guy. I would not be a doormat as she has been. She claims she enjoys the game of not knowing when he will call next and it was a "big step" that he wanted to come over (to her home) on Monday night, and she jumped when he said "jump" to accommodate him, but she really is not happy because this is just the same treatment she has been getting and she has been unhappy with (which is why she posted.)

So I beg to differ.

If she was happy with the status quo, she would not have posted. Our own experiences and wisdom are the basis for how we are able to give guidance and advice (which she asked for.)

[9Lives]

OK she posted the topic because she was unsatisfied with her 'relationship' and thinking of ending it with this guy. People use their own experiences all the time to help someone out who has asked for help.

I have a third date with a guy I'm connecting with this weekend and have known him a total of 2 1/2 weeks.....we have been to 2 different restaurants, and a street festival, and had a fabulous time. He has now asked me to spend time with him on Saturday....may involve spending time at his place but we are going out and doing something and having fun. Carrie has been seeing a guy since July and they have not been out in public and she is very dissatisfied at his lack of communication and how much she sees him....so I disagree in that sharing experience and what I am doing must be working and could be beneficial. What I would not do is accept how I was being treated by a guy who treats me in the way she has been treated by this guy. I would not be a doormat as she has been. She claims she enjoys the game of not knowing when he will call next and it was a "big step" that he wanted to come over (to her home) on Monday night, and she jumped when he said "jump" to accommodate him, but she really is not happy because this is just the same treatment she has been getting and she has been unhappy with (which is why she posted.)

So I beg to differ.

If she was happy with the status quo, she would not have posted. Our own experiences and wisdom are the basis for how we are able to give guidance and advice (which she asked for.)

 

Hot Chick has a very good point. I have to agree with this as well. What woman really and truly wants to feel this way.

 

Hot Chick you are still rough in your delivery sometimes. i respect it but it is tough

[LittleTiger]

Hot Chick has a very good point. I have to agree with this as well. What woman really and truly wants to feel this way.

 

Hot Chick you are still rough in your delivery sometimes. i respect it but it is tough

 

Feel what way?

 

Carrie doesn't feel the same as Hot Chick - that is my point!

 

Trying to force your own feelings about someone's situation onto them is not helpful. Carrie knows what she feels and seems to be dealing with it just fine!

 

Giving your opinion on the situation is one thing, telling her how she should feel is entirely different.