ja123 Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 Carrie, Have you not heard from him? Sheesh ... I'm so angry on your behalf, this guy sounds like a real jerk. (Where is he? I'd like to get out my whip! He needs a good strapping.) At this point, it may be worth unhiding your profile and try to meet a couple of people while having with no expectations. I think that might help in trying to get over this. Get on the horse again. I'm in my forties and just did two years celibacy, too, and then met someone and it didn't work out. I think I felt the sting more because I wasn't in circulation for so long. And I really had my hopes up. This has nothing to do with you - this is clearly his problem.
Author CarrieT Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 Well, the deed is done. It was one of the hardest things I've done and Daniel was completely understanding of my reasons and very apologetic that all this started at such a difficult time for him right now. I started by saying that I didn't think things were going to work out between us and that it was very sad for me. I explained that after ten weeks, I would have hoped that we would be a lot further along than we were and he agreed. I told him exactly what he told me on our first date; that I was very interested and that when he got done doing what he needed to do to call me and see where I might be. I also offered that he initially didn't want to see me knowing I was dating other guys, but that if he found some time and wanted to see me or go to a movie, to call and that I would love to see him. He said he understood completely and would definitely call. I don't know if that means he ever will or not. I explained that all of my projects are done and that I have no plans until the end of the year and had hoped to have someone to do something with. I also thanked him for teaching me about waiting and that I wasn't going to be jumping into anything with anyone so that if he did find himself available, there will be a good chance I will still be available. I am really fighting the urge to want to text him and tell him that I already miss him and can't stop thinking about him. But I am online with my profile and already have three or four guys trying to engage in discussion with me. I really wish he would call and tell me he is going to change and wants to be with me... And because I did most of the talking, I really want to call back and talk about it more with him - to know what he is thinking about what I said. But I won't. My girlfriends are very proud of me. This is the most level-headed thing I have done in not letting a guy walk all over me and it is the most honest relationship I have ever experienced. It ended as well as it could, with care and respect. But it still hurts.
Hot Chick Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 Honestly what you said sounded really desperate. You would have been better off not calling at all.
ja123 Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 Honestly what you said sounded really desperate. You would have been better off not calling at all. I disagree. "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." I'm so sorry Carrie. I know this must hurt a lot. 10 weeks is a long time. Have you planned to do some good things for yourself? See your girlfriends, perhaps?
Author CarrieT Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 Thanks, Ja. I really appreciate the kind words. HotChick, the biggest difference with us is you think I would have been better not calling at all and you are wrong. Being completely open and honest - whether or not it comes across as desperate - is being true to who I am. I told him that for those ten weeks *I* had been the pursuer and that I was tired of that; he knows it. There is nothing wrong with sounding desperate when one feels desperate, which I did. But having the strength to walk away shows fortitude and there would have been no closure on my part if I had "not called at all." I can't live like that. Unfortunately, there is nothing planned and I need to do something pretty quick. After my usual 10-mile, Saturday morning hike, I have nothing to do... But this is the Bay Area and I will do what I usually do; take myself out to dinner or find a theater performance.
Art_Critic Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 This is the most level-headed thing I have done in not letting a guy walk all over me and it is the most honest relationship I have ever experienced. It ended as well as it could, with care and respect. But it still hurts. Setting and enforcing healthy boundaries Carrie is a great thing.. good for you. There will be someone around the corner who will trip your trigger...
LittleTiger Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 Well done Carrie. That must have been tough for you as you obviously wanted this man quite badly. It sounds as though you learned a few good lessons though which is always a big positive when a 'relationship' ends. Have fun finding someone who's a better fit.
Author CarrieT Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 AC and LT, the first thing I did when I came to work was log in here to read some positive affirmations, so thank you. But I really, really appreciate all the support you guys have offered. Yes, there is longing and still hope that Daniel will come to his senses and want to continue which is why I left the door open for him. But I won't contact him, despite my desire to... I did talk to someone new last night and hung up within a few minutes (when did using so much profanity become acceptable in daily speech?) And I'm sure I will talk to a handful of others this weekend - and maybe even meet up and do the coffee-thing with one. I really don't like the vetting process; it is exhausting and emotionally draining to get hope and have hopes dashed. Probably why I am so easily attached to someone when there is a modicum of chemistry. But thank you all - really!
April72 Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 Good for you Carrie!!! For making a decision which was difficult. For confronted it head on and being honest and open. For sitting boundaries. For not just letting it stay in an unhealthy limbo for heaven knows how long and being one of those women trying to guess and figure it out, without any communication. It seems from all I have read that you were very excited at the ideal of having something different as far as relationships go... and now your affraid to get more of the same. But you handled this like a champ. Spend your time exploring your options and wait for another different oppurtunity before you leap.
Hot Chick Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 I'm not "wrong." That is just your opinion. You asked for advice and I gave it. This guy wasn't interested in you. That is why he stopped calling and really wasn't too excited about having sex with you - he wasn't really that attracted to you. Calling him just shows how desperate you are for him and emphasizes to him in his mind how much you want him and how much he doesn't want you. You probably confirmed his decision not to see you anymore by calling.
9Lives Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 I'm not "wrong." That is just your opinion. You asked for advice and I gave it. This guy wasn't interested in you. That is why he stopped calling and really wasn't too excited about having sex with you - he wasn't really that attracted to you. Calling him just shows how desperate you are for him and emphasizes to him in his mind how much you want him and how much he doesn't want you. You probably confirmed his decision not to see you anymore by calling. this is brutal honesty
Hot Chick Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Well that is my opinion. Her calling him when he was avoiding her like the plague, and then her telling him "I am available, call me. There is very little chance I will be with someone else in the future, so call me because I will have a 99% chance of being free and available to you" sounds really "door matty" and I don't think it makes her more attractive to the guy at all. Of course, this is just my opinion.
Author CarrieT Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 You already stated your opinion once, HC; care to drive the knife in any deeper?
LittleTiger Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Well that is my opinion. Her calling him when he was avoiding her like the plague, and then her telling him "I am available, call me. There is very little chance I will be with someone else in the future, so call me because I will have a 99% chance of being free and available to you" sounds really "door matty" and I don't think it makes her more attractive to the guy at all. Of course, this is just my opinion. This isn't my understanding of the situation and being deliberately and unnecessarily nasty on an internet message board isn't a very attractive quality either! Carrie walked away - and is rightly proud of herself for doing so. How she did it doesn't change that. She was in control and she made the decision - that means she's not a doormat! I always understood LS to be somewhere people could come for support - it's not supposed to be used as sniping target practice.
9Lives Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 Well that is my opinion. Her calling him when he was avoiding her like the plague, and then her telling him "I am available, call me. There is very little chance I will be with someone else in the future, so call me because I will have a 99% chance of being free and available to you" sounds really "door matty" and I don't think it makes her more attractive to the guy at all. Of course, this is just my opinion. HC, you broke it down with not a ounce of empathy. Some times that a good thing cause it just needs to be that straight forward but beware....you have to be able to take that way too. I appreciate directness but it was mean too. I think CarrieT is new to dating or something and I can relate to that. We all have to learn how dating is nowadays and adjust ourselves accordingly. I know I have made my mistakes.
OliveOyl Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 What does it matter how she ended it with him? The end result was the same... she decided upon her boundaries, and took the action she felt was right... and was not a doormat because she ended it with him. She accomplished this in a way that was true to herself -- not rudely or in a silly game-playing manner like HC would have done. Why does it matter how she appears to YOU, HC? So she appears desperate to a random Internet stranger? That has no significance in this situation.
9Lives Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 What does it matter how she ended it with him? The end result was the same... she decided upon her boundaries, and took the action she felt was right... and was not a doormat because she ended it with him. She accomplished this in a way that was true to herself -- not rudely or in a silly game-playing manner like HC would have done. Why does it matter how she appears to YOU, HC? So she appears desperate to a random Internet stranger? That has no significance in this situation. Well it does matter how you deal with these situations because it affects your self esteem. If you are being treated any kind of way, it makes you feel bad. As a woman, we have to guard our hearts, self esteem, and self worth because things like this affect it...or it can if you let it I should say. Truthfully, it does affect it at one time or another.
Author CarrieT Posted September 17, 2011 Author Posted September 17, 2011 If I came across door-matty than perhaps there was a reasonable amount of desperation that still exists. As indicated, I am new to dating and the Carrie of two or three years ago would have continued waiting and putting up with how I was being treated. That I did end it - on my terms with the door still open - is a HUGE leap forward for me. Just not calling and ignoring the guy - as HotChick would have done - is so against my grain in just how to treat people in general. To me that is just plain rude. I can't treat people that way, even if they are not treating me well. It goes against my grain of "do unto others" and I'm not even a Christian. Daniel did not "avoid me like the plague." He called and texted often, but only after 12- and 14-hours at work. He made his decision that his livelihood is important than pursuing a relationship. But that I didn't continue waiting and hoping like I would have in the past, is a big deal to me. It shows growth and while it hurts, I know it will be better for me in the long run.
9Lives Posted September 17, 2011 Posted September 17, 2011 If I came across door-matty than perhaps there was a reasonable amount of desperation that still exists. As indicated, I am new to dating and the Carrie of two or three years ago would have continued waiting and putting up with how I was being treated. That I did end it - on my terms with the door still open - is a HUGE leap forward for me. Just not calling and ignoring the guy - as HotChick would have done - is so against my grain in just how to treat people in general. To me that is just plain rude. I can't treat people that way, even if they are not treating me well. It goes against my grain of "do unto others" and I'm not even a Christian. Daniel did not "avoid me like the plague." He called and texted often, but only after 12- and 14-hours at work. He made his decision that his livelihood is important than pursuing a relationship. But that I didn't continue waiting and hoping like I would have in the past, is a big deal to me. It shows growth and while it hurts, I know it will be better for me in the long run. I know EXACTLY what you mean about. In todays dating world, you have to have tough skin cause some people are just so mean or whatever. You have to learn the rules of dating rather you want to or not. RATHER YOU WANT TO OR NOT...cause at the end of the day, it is things you need to know. Im in my 40 too. You have to almost study dating and the dos and donts. It is very sad but true. The way people date nowadays is a trip sometimes. Got to know whats up. Got to realize that the person you are dealing with might not be who YOU think they are. They can just pull the plug and not even tellyou why. Closure is a luxury, not a right. And if you feel like crap dealing with someone. Back up
Hot Chick Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 You stated that he had stopped calling and texting and hadn't done so for several days and didn't even return a message you left.
soserious1 Posted September 18, 2011 Posted September 18, 2011 You stated that he had stopped calling and texting and hadn't done so for several days and didn't even return a message you left. Carrie met this guy on a fetish website, she's a submissive, her ending of the relationship was in keeping with that lifestyle. Why are you so hell bent on grinding it the fact that he wasn't physically attracted enough to have sex with her?
Author CarrieT Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 And I truly don't believe he was repelled by me sexually. If there was no interest in sex, he would not have requested that STD tests be done and that birth control be in place. We chose to wait for testing reasons. By the time the tests were done was when his work ramped up; I broke up with him a mere 9 days after my tests came back clean and 6 of those days had me menstruating. I believe the desire to wait was to make sure there was a stable, committed relationship and had I continued to wait, that might have been established. Although why I feel the need to explain this to HotChick escapes me...
Author CarrieT Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 This is an interesting turn... Daniel just texted me and asked if he could see me tonight - and I know that Mondays are his worst days at work so this is quite a surprise.
Eddie Edirol Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 This is an interesting turn... Daniel just texted me and asked if he could see me tonight - and I know that Mondays are his worst days at work so this is quite a surprise. Ok Carrie, please be a lil more objective, outside the "lifestyle" thinking. You still want a relationship, not just at his convenience. Make sure you get a clear idea of what his agenda is so you dont get sucked in to the same situation again. I think this guy pretty much showed you what his true interest was in the first round (work was more important), I doubt thats changed. Tread lightly. I still think he has another sub on the side that is taking up most of his time-during work hours.
LittleTiger Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 This is an interesting turn... Daniel just texted me and asked if he could see me tonight - and I know that Mondays are his worst days at work so this is quite a surprise. How are you going to deal with this one Carrie? Are you going to meet him? I don't know the guy of course, but it could be he's planning to 'show you what you're missing' and then keep you dangling on a string - for who knows how long once you're hooked. If his idea of been dominant is to make you wait for sex on his terms and in his timeframe, is that something you want long term? I'm not sure how this would fit in with the D/s situation but if you want to pursue the relationship further (assuming that's an option), you really need to enforce the boundaries he was violating before. You've told him what those boundaries are so your mindset should be 'one step out of line and he's history'! Otherwise, there is a danger he will walk all over you. Be careful!
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