she doesn't know

[confused]

I recently became engaged with a wonderful woman. We've been together for almost 4 years and they have been very happy. Like all relationships, we have our downs, but the happy times heavily outway the valleys of life. Recently she told me that she feels in over her head with our engagement. She doesn't know what she wants to do, or even if she wants space. I'm giving her time, but also putting myself in the open in case she needs to talk. I am so confused as to what she wants or what will make her feel less over her head. I don't think that she will give up our relationship, but she lives with someone who is flitty and is always hopping from one relationship to another. I'm beginning to wonder if her personality is rubbing off on my girlfriend. Got any advice, preferably from a woman or someone who has encountered this before.

[Tony T]

OK, listen up. When a girl who loves a guy so dearly that she wants to marry him gets engaged, she brightens up, her personality shines, she exudes happiness, and, while she may be a bit scared of taking the plunge, she does not withdraw. This should be the greatest time of a woman's life...and the man's as well.

 

You need to get to the bottom of this "feeling over her head" crap real fast. She is either getting a bit too scared or she just doesn't want to marry you. If this isn't something she wants to do more than anything in the world, let her go back to being a free agent.

 

You're confused, she's confused...everybody's confused and this isn't the way it's supposed to work. If you want, both of you should get a counsellor and try to work it out.

 

For me, if I get engaged and the chick tells me she's in over her head, I'd get over her butt real fast. This is just not the stuff of love. She has got a problem and you need to get to the bottom of this fast. There are people who meet, get married, have two kids and get divorced in four years. You've been with her for four years now and if she isn't certain beyond the shadow of a doubt that she wants you for a lifetime mate by now, she will NEVER be sure.

 

Good luck!!!

[Paulie]

Tony:

 

You often imply that if somebody expresses second thoughts, cheats, etc., that that would help you get over the person real fast. I don't understand the logic here. I wish I could be like that, but that kind of stuff just makes me hurt far more. Where does this kind of perspective come from?

[Tony T]

Paulie:

 

You bring up a very reasonable question and I am happy to address it.

 

I have been there, done that, got the Tee Shirt and the Academy Award. I am talking years of my own personal experience and observing the situations of others.

 

When people post here, they are very troubled. These instances of backing off, getting cold, needing space, etc. are not good. People post here because that is bothering them. The coldness, the withdrawal of their lover is creating pain.

 

I always suggest they get to the bottom of it but, from experience, I can tell you right now people don't back off and go dark without significant reasons, some they are aware of and some they are not. And they don't just come back around really fast either.

 

When people post here, they have spent some time trying to get to the bottom of things...they have spent time trying to find out the reasons from their lovers, etc. They post here because they are at wits end. If they are bringing these kinds of problems here first, they are insane.

 

My personal goal is to eliminate as much pain as possible from my life and to get rid of the people around me who don't want to be in my life or who cause pain. By doing so, my life becomes much richer and better and I pay great tribute to the people who welcome me into their lives with glee. If somebody backs off without explanation, goes cold, needs space, etc. in the vast majority of situations, they want OUT. The person or relationship has got some sort of problems that can't be solved.

 

There are exceptions and when I feel those I note them.

 

Life is just too short to spend months and months trying to sort this crap out or wait until the person thaws out or has had enough space. I, personally, think more highly of myself than to give someone I love space to decide what direction THEY want things to go. If they need space, I give it to them...I mean unlimited space. It's hard to do when you are in love with someone but I have learned not to give others my own personal power. Having someone tell me they need space to decide what they want to do with a relationship we are in does not give me a warm and fuzzy feeling. No matter how much I love them, I have to say where there is that kind of doubt, there are problems.

 

I do not give any friend or lover the power to affect me in a major way. Life decisions made rationally and sanely based on the evidence at hand are best. If we hang around a bad situation forever because we are so madly in love and we just want it to work, we waste many of our days on this planet. If you stare at a Volkswagen for a million years, it will never turn into a Rolls Royce.

 

I always consider every post very uniquely. You suffer from selective inattention, as many do, by not remembering the many times I recommend counselling or otherwise suggest ways things can be patched up. If you will look at the post below entitled "CHEATER!"...which I posted BEFORE your post (note the time), I have encouraged this lady to give the guy a chance and actually told her to be a bit understanding. But I gave her other alternatives as well.

 

Every post I answer, I use my own personal intuition, personal experience, and the text of the post, to come to my conclusions. Breakups are extremely painful, God knows I have the scars to prove it. I want to save as many relationships that are saveable if I can. But when I sense they are over, that there is trouble, that there is a lack of respect, sensitivity or the presence of abuse or danger, I will tell the person to run as fast as they can.

 

I hope I have answered your question somewhat. I hope you always come behind me and give them your own take of the situation. That would make me feel a lot more comfortable...if posters are exposed to a number of opinions.

[Paulie]

Yeah, Tone...I agree with your whole philosophy here. But the fundamental question, which I guess answers my question right on the nail, is:

 

Do these factors (the partner cheating, being with someone else, etc.) actually make you FEEL less in love with the person (emotionally), or do they tell you as a responsible MAN that you now must appeal to your logical thought processes, and run like hell. The latter, I can understand. The former, however, I wish I thought that way...it's just that those factors (cheating and the like) devastate me, and bring about the most hurtful feelings imaginable. No need for a long reply here, just a simple clarification, if you would.

 

And I'm trying to post more often to people's posts...not as much as you, but I'm trying. I really do enjoy it. I really believe that helping other people with their problems helps boos one's own self-esteem, and sense of self-worth. I think it's perfectly Okay to help others for the selfish intention of helping ourselves.

 

The only posts I don't reply to generally are ones in which I don't have experience, or feel that my advice may not be the most well-informed. Example-marraige, or having kids. I've never been there.

 

The weekend starts for me right now...time for a couple of pops!!!

[Tony T]

Perhaps it's a matter of maturity. If someone cheats on me or is otherwise nasty to me, then they automatically fall out of the category of people I will permit myself to fall in love with. I wasn't always that way.

 

Perhaps suffering pain for many years, chasing after women who treated me like crap, brought me to this place. I love myself so much better now that I am able to take back the power I gave to these types of people to make me depressed, angry, hurt, etc.

 

In my opinion, at my own personal level of personal evolution, I count it as a waste of time to be devastated when a female shows her butt. The Carly Simon song entitled "I Haven't Got Time For The Pain" said it all. There is just no practical or useful purpose for pining over a girl who has merrily gone her way in life and could care less whether I'm dead or alive.

 

I haven't got time to be really pissed either. You sort of expect stuff like this to happen from time to time...but you always hope what you're in is the real thing and you won't have to go through it anymore. Huh!

 

It's funny how the maddest I get in my entire life is when I read some of the stuff other people are going through in the forum.

[Taressa]

Four years is enough that she knows what future she prefers - - the one with you or the one without you. You're playing it smart by being somewhat aloof and allowing her to get her head together. Be careful so that your confusion does not become desperation. Turn to your friends for support and keep doing things you enjoy.

 

Don't let her leave you hanging for too long. It's okay to tell her how her behavior makes you feel and it is okay to set a boundary on how long you're willing to endure.

 

Her behavior, at its root, is rather immature and selfish. Prepare yourself to leave if she cannot soon assume responsibility for her feelings.

 

My guess is that once she sees you enjoying life without her she will remember the joy she has in you and will return... that's what I will be hoping for.

 

I recently became engaged with a wonderful woman. We've been together for almost 4 years and they have been very happy. Like all relationships, we have our downs, but the happy times heavily outway the valleys of life. Recently she told me that she feels in over her head with our engagement. She doesn't know what she wants to do, or even if she wants space. I'm giving her time, but also putting myself in the open in case she needs to talk. I am so confused as to what she wants or what will make her feel less over her head. I don't think that she will give up our relationship, but she lives with someone who is flitty and is always hopping from one relationship to another. I'm beginning to wonder if her personality is rubbing off on my girlfriend. Got any advice, preferably from a woman or someone who has encountered this before.