Need advice

[Allnite]

Greetings all,

 

I'm a in a bit of a situation with my ex that is just driving me nuts. We're going through the break-up of a five and a half year relationship, and I'm hoping what I've decided is truly the right thing to do.

 

I'm a confident, outgoing sort of guy who never has problems making friends, I have a successful career, am well educated and try to enjoy life as much as possible. My ex and I have been going out since attending the same university, so we've been through a lot together.

 

Its seems that throughout the whole relationship that it was me making all the sacrifices, while she made none at all and often did things that were hurtful, even if it was unintentional on her part. For the first six months of our relationship, she wouldn't even tell her parents she was going out with me (I'm white, she is chinese with very traditional parents). The way they found out was when the ex's famiy friend who knew about it told them about us. Not the best way to start things out.

 

Following that low point, things had improved a lot. At the two and a half year marker, we graduated together and started working for a living. I was hoping that she would move out with me, and despite repeated promises during school that she would, she never did saying her parents were the reason. A disappointment to me, but a sacrifice I was willing to make for her.

 

Despite what I saw as hiccups between us, I was fully prepared to propose to her. We had even talked about it, but she refused any notion of it, saying that she wasn't ready, she didn't have a career yet. This was yet another major disappointment for me.

 

I went through a period of about eight months where I didn't have good employment, which is the curse of a person working contracts in a depressed economy. I would go through months without a job and more problems arised. With my background, I could've found excellent work if I had left the province. However, she had refused to even consider coming with me, even if we got married. So I stayed in town to be with her, and suffered through a lack of work in a really poor economy with few jobs available. She begun harrassing me about how I spent my time in this period, the people I spent time with and the fact that I couldn't find work. This was not minor discussions where she was trying to offer me helpful advice, this was her trying to spend my time exactly how she thought I should according to her views.

 

We worked through this. Everything was great for six months. I found a prestigious job where I will be content to stay at for many years. Then out of the blue one evening she started screaming at me about what she saw as annoying habits. Everyone has annoying habits and I accepted hers. She saw my annoying habits as how I talked, carried myself, who were my friends, etc. Against my better judgement, we stuck it out, experienced highs and lows and we're at the point where we reached a month (6 months after that incident).

 

One month ago, she called me during my lunch break to tell me that she wouldn't be spending any more nights over at my place. She had been spending maximum three nights a week at my place. Apparently her parents disapproved of her doing this and told her not to. She didn't protest this, took it and basically told me take it or leave it. She wouldn't be staying with me anymore, and I'd be lucky to see her for maybe ten hours a week. After a three day argument over the phone, I left it. I had had enough. I felt I had been used and abused, an emotional support for her who made numerous sacrifices for her, but she never made any for me. She would take other people's advice over mine every time.

 

We had kept in touch on afterwards as I was afraid she was suicidal after this all happened (she basically said that much to me in an email). Despite all of this I still love her, but I hadn't been happy for some time. So now, one month later she is putting the press on me to try and get back together. We even met twice to talk about what had been wrong between us. She promised to change all her bad habits and be a better person.

 

I apologize for the length of it. I'm a researcher by profession, so I feel to make a decision a person needs background.

 

The questions I place before you is:

 

Do I take her back with all the promises to change she has made? Despite the fact that such promises in the past are always broken?

 

At this point I don't want to take her back, but its difficult to truly break off all ties to someone you had open your soul to for almost six years.

 

What would be the best way to tell her that I don't want to get back with her?

[sportsloving]

Let her start making the changes she has promised before you decide to get back together or not.

 

It is hard to let go, but it gets easier to move on, day by day. And if there is no chance of getting the relationship back... simply tell her the truth. It is the easiest for all involved.

 

I wish you tons of luck.