Ex really put me down... :(

[Heartache3]

So it's been 6 months since my ex gf of 3 years left me for another guy, and a lot has happened. She has since been broken up with him since late June, and realized she made some pretty bad decisions (I won't go into the details, but she picked up smoking and had a friends with benefits with him up until a couple of weeks ago). But she came back to me, incredibly sorry for what she did to me and wanted me back in her life as a "better influence". Not as her boyfriend again, but as a friend to lean on. Foolish as I was, I accepted, thinking I was in a better place to take on a sort of friendship with her.

 

We talked for a couple of weeks over the phone, through skype, and texting. And things started to seem okay, but I always had this feeling in the back of my mind that what I was doing wasn't right. I still love her a lot and would take her back in a heartbeat... being "friends" was, in my mind, a way to possibly get her back again. :/ Stupid, I know. But here's the kicker. We met up for the first time in 6 months tonight and had dinner... I was hoping we would really start to reconnect again, share a few laughs... but instead it just felt incredibly awkward. It felt as though I was looking at a completely different girl, not the girl I thought I knew and loved. :/ All I could see was someone who smoked and had sex with a complete loser. And someone I knew didn't love me like I love her.

 

After the dinner we talked about how we felt, and we both agreed that friends would obviously not work. But it went further than that. She accused me of being "weak" for not being able to stay friends. And she kept saying that she was "stronger" than me because she can see her ex on a regular basis (they do martial arts together). That really hurt me. I tried to explain that of course it hurts, we were together for freakin 3 years. It doesn't mean I'm weak, I just obviously can't see you as a friend, it's impossible. But she just got nasty with me! Telling me why she hated me in the last months of our relationship (I was too involved in my studies in college and didn't give her enough attention, got stressed easily, etc), how she feels "one step higher than me", how her mom raised her to be strong and how weak I was in her eyes.

 

She even went as far to say, "Yeah, when I dropped my napkin at the table at dinner, you leaned down to see where it landed. Why did you do that? Omg you're so worried all the time! I can do that kind of thing myself!"

 

I was so appalled to hear this. I wasn't worried! And I'm certainly not weak! I just can't be friends with an ex, that's all! Not while I am constantly reminded of our past relationship. She didn't back down, and I finally had to say the most awkward goodbye in my entire life, all the while trying to hide my anger.

 

This wasn't the first time she emotionally abused me. She did this all throughout the relationship, trying to correct how I did things, control me, manipulate me, etc. :/ She didn't think before she said things, like last week she said something along the lines of "Yeah I finally stopped my friends with benefits, but now I know just how strong my birth control is". WTF? That was really effed up to say. I was always incredibly careful when we were intimate in the past... but I knew just what she was implying. :/

 

I don't know what to think of her anymore. She was never this bad, in fact she was incredibly wonderful all throughout the relationship. Sure, she was pretty controlling at times but we shared so many memories together, her family adored me and so did her grandparents in Japan, and she always went out of her way to make the relationship fun to be in and show how much she loved me. But this time.... she was just so cruel. She had no heart. If she even had ONE ounce of compassion, she would have understood and said a kind goodbye. But apparently she has to think she's better than me. :/ I've had enough of her. What do I do loveshack? I am going NC again, of course. But how can I cope with this? She hurt me to the core tonight and I just need some help feeling good about myself again.

Edited September 10, 2011 by Heartache3

[betterdeal]

She did a right trick on you there, pal. If she's so strong, why does she need to be friends with her ex (you) and why does she need you to keep her on the straight and narrow and why does she need to berate you for being weak? Does she dance in front of wheelchair users and tell them off for not joining in too?

 

The only thing you need is to know yourself and to do things that make you happy. Being nagged and moaned at by someone so very needy and nasty makes you unhappy. Forget about what she said - it's complete bollocks. Delete her number, change yours, block her online. She is ill and all too keen to spread her mind-germs to anyone unfortunate enough to be within coughing distance. Don't get infected.

[silly_panda]

I'm really sorry to hear this man... Normally after a break up, our ex tend to become someone else that we do not recognize... I don't know why this happens... Maybe this is their true colour... Or maybe we overlooked their bad habit/behaviour when we are in a relationship and when we are out of it, we realized it and we think they 'changed'...

 

I can't really say anything about your ex because I don't know her... But from your post, it is clear that she isn't the girl that you know and love... And obviously you still wan her back very much... Don't let your emotions blind you man... The girl in front of you is not the girl that you love... You are only still in love with an 'image' of her...

 

How did you cope during the 6months after your break up..? I think you were doing pretty well rite before she suggested the 'being friends' thing...

 

Continue with NC and don't let the things that she said bring you down man... She is the type that won't look at their own mistake and just put the blame to others... One day she will wake up and realize that... Until then... Stay clear off her...

[antinko]

She did a right trick on you there, pal. If she's so strong, why does she need to be friends with her ex (you) and why does she need you to keep her on the straight and narrow and why does she need to berate you for being weak? Does she dance in front of wheelchair users and tell them off for not joining in too?

 

The only thing you need is to know yourself and to do things that make you happy. Being nagged and moaned at by someone so very needy and nasty makes you unhappy. Forget about what she said - it's complete bollocks. Delete her number, change yours, block her online. She is ill and all too keen to spread her mind-germs to anyone unfortunate enough to be within coughing distance. Don't get infected.

 

What he said only with the voice of James Mason. ^

[Heartache3]

She did a right trick on you there, pal. If she's so strong, why does she need to be friends with her ex (you) and why does she need you to keep her on the straight and narrow and why does she need to berate you for being weak? Does she dance in front of wheelchair users and tell them off for not joining in too?

 

The only thing you need is to know yourself and to do things that make you happy. Being nagged and moaned at by someone so very needy and nasty makes you unhappy. Forget about what she said - it's complete bollocks. Delete her number, change yours, block her online. She is ill and all too keen to spread her mind-germs to anyone unfortunate enough to be within coughing distance. Don't get infected.

 

You're absolutely right, if she was really strong, she would have done some of her own healing like I have. Yes, I'll forget about what she said, because all of it was just a bunch of narcissistic crap. I have already deleted her number and blocked her on facebook (for the 3rd time since the breakup), and I can easily change my number too. Thanks for your advice betterdeal.

 

 

I'm really sorry to hear this man... Normally after a break up, our ex tend to become someone else that we do not recognize... I don't know why this happens... Maybe this is their true colour... Or maybe we overlooked their bad habit/behaviour when we are in a relationship and when we are out of it, we realized it and we think they 'changed'...

 

I can't really say anything about your ex because I don't know her... But from your post, it is clear that she isn't the girl that you know and love... And obviously you still wan her back very much... Don't let your emotions blind you man... The girl in front of you is not the girl that you love... You are only still in love with an 'image' of her...

 

How did you cope during the 6months after your break up..? I think you were doing pretty well rite before she suggested the 'being friends' thing...

 

Continue with NC and don't let the things that she said bring you down man... She is the type that won't look at their own mistake and just put the blame to others... One day she will wake up and realize that... Until then... Stay clear off her...

 

I totally agree with you, I think I have seen her true colors last night. My family and friends always used to say she was always this way, but I always wore those rose-colored glasses and never really saw it. :/ And you're so right, silly_panda, when you said I am only in love with an "image" of her. I only see the sweet and caring girl from my relationship, the girl who looked so wonderful when we got intimate and really seemed to care about me. At this point, I would only want her back if she would get rid of her ugly ego and instead start to have compassion, but I know she'll never change. It's just who she is, and I know I can find better. I wasn't completely NC all throughout the 6 months, even while she was dating her rebound she called me a few times to try to be friends. But at the time I couldn't lower myself to that level while she was dating him. It wasn't until they broke it off and she needed support that I stepped in, which I now realize was a huge mistake. I sure hope she wakes up one day and realizes how heartless she really is... and hopefully realize that she truly lost a great guy in her life.

 

I can strongly relate to this. My ex always made our relationship fun, left silly little notes for me, bought me gifts unexpectedly. Beyond that, she was also a great person outside of the relationship -- volunteering her time with kids and such. The manner in which she left the relationship, however, was contrary to all of that.

 

So, my advice: when your mind begins to wander to happy memories of your ex, force yourself to focus on the recent memories, the ones where she was treating you so poorly. That is the person that she is now. She doesn't sound like someone I'd want to be around.

 

I'm very sorry to hear that BiAxident, it really sucks doesn't it? They make us think they're the most wonderful people in the world. My ex girlfriend also volunteered with children and got me involved in it too. Those were the times I really thought she had great morals and I could totally see us raising a wonderful family in the future.

 

Anyways, that's some good advice, thank you. It won't be easy to rid myself of the happy memories we shared, nor will it be easy not to "romanticize" or relationship. But you're right, I have to put her into context. She is a cruel b***h, to put it plainly. :/ I forgot to mention that a little over a year ago, she cheated on me with two guys within a week. She did some immature things over skype with one, and gave oral sex to the other at a beach. Even after I forgave her for the skype incident, she went right ahead and cheated again... and yet I forgave her still. Maybe I should think about that and perhaps that will help me think of her differently. A true friend, much less a TRUE girlfriend, would never ever do that.

Edited September 10, 2011 by Heartache3

[betterdeal]

You're strong enough to be weak. Don't lose your tenderness - it's one of your strengths

[shayla]

Be grateful that you were delivered, yes delivered from this relationship with this cruel woman. You could have ended up married to her, or God forbid having children with her. Yikes. I would not go within 50 feet of her from now on, my goodness what a hateful individual.

[IfiKnewThen]

thank goodness she didn't give you a life threatening disease. you write so well and express yourself well. say goodbye to this chapter in your life and thank God for what remains. i hope she apologizes to you someday. i know men sometimes don't understand woman and need to try. but she sounds like she needs some help

 

i wish people could just all stand back and look at themselves. what does it take to humble them for goodness sakes...

[Heartache3]

Thank you guys so much for your help.

 

It's been 3 days NC so far and I'm feeling a bit better about all of this. But I keep having his urge to send her one last email and give her a clear rundown about how I feel. I dunno... on the phone last Friday we had a pretty messy argument and I don't feel like I got to say what I really wanted to say. Most of the time I was trying to combat her emotional abuse towards me and argue about our faults in the relationship. And stupid as I was, I even admitted to her that I still love her and would take her back, almost 7 months after we broke up! (Even though I don't see her the same anymore and I really know she's not right for me.)

 

What should I do? If I send an email telling her why I feel uncomfortable being her friend right now and maybe we could be friends waaaay down the road, I would feel so liberated. The biggest reasons being that it's too soon to be friends (nearly 7 months post breakup), she needs to sort her problems out with other people and not me (being her ex after all), and that seeing each other on Friday was too awkward because of how things have turned out since the breakup. I guess the reason why I really want to do this is because I feel like crap being on bad terms with her. I hate holding grudges against people and I hate "hating" people even more. Maybe I just I want to forgive her for all the bad things she's done to me, because in my mind that's being the bigger person. But does she really deserve it?

[betterdeal]

No more contact. The relationship is dead. Stop trying to resurrect it. No emails, letters, smoke signals, carrier pigeons. She's one person you have met in your life. There are many other and the more time you waste chasing her they less you have with the others. Move on.

[Heartache3]

No more contact. The relationship is dead. Stop trying to resurrect it. No emails, letters, smoke signals, carrier pigeons. She's one person you have met in your life. There are many other and the more time you waste chasing her they less you have with the others. Move on.

 

I'm not trying to resurrect it in any way, I just want to make myself clear before I officially go NC. I already know it's dead and I just don't want any leftover hard feelings about it anymore, especially from her. If anything, I want to say I forgive her for all that has happened, because I really DO feel that way. I don't want to just leave this behind with her and I hating each other, that alone torments me more than the breakup itself.

[fiat500]

Ouch. After reading your thread even I feel like I've been stepped on. What a cruel way to talk to you. Sounds like she's angry with how things ended up and is taking it out on you. She's obviously sore about the end of the relationship. Don't know your whole story but being upset at someone for concentrating on college instead of giving their significant other all of their attention is just a teeny bit unreasonable. And emotional abuse is pretty much inexcusable to me since it indicates heavy personal issues that need to be resolved.

 

You should definitely not talk or try to reason with her ever again even if you've left things on a negative note. And since she's the one that's being so nasty it works out in your favor. Perhaps she'll come to regret how she treated you one day.

[Heartache3]

Yeah fiat500, she was pretty angry with the fact we couldn't be friends. Yeah she got upset with me about a lot of things, ranging from my devotion to schoolwork to my weight gain over the last 3 years. Pretty unreasonable if you ask me too. I think there are definitely some underlying issues or insecurities in her life that makes her treat me this way. My best speculation is that she still lives at home and attends community college while I live independently at a university 40 min away, perhaps she is slightly envious and desires so much freedom, therefore she has to think of ways to convince herself that she is better than me. I dunno, I don't want to hate her. I hope she turns herself around and finds someone who deserves her, because she wasn't always this bad.

[betterdeal]

I'm not trying to resurrect it in any way, I just want to make myself clear before I officially go NC. I already know it's dead and I just don't want any leftover hard feelings about it anymore, especially from her. If anything, I want to say I forgive her for all that has happened, because I really DO feel that way. I don't want to just leave this behind with her and I hating each other, that alone torments me more than the breakup itself.

 

So you want to have contact. Just one more time. And then you'll have no contact again, when you're both on good terms and not hating each other. Seems a shame to not be in contact if you're on good terms, doesn't it? You're split up because you're on bad terms. The two are intrinsically linked.

 

Don't kid yourself that this continued contact is anything other than an attempt to get back together. Do it, by all means, if you feel the need to, but please don't mug yourself into believing some convoluted excuse that it's for anything other than to try and get back together.

[Heartache3]

I understand where you're coming from, betterdeal. But I assure you, I only want to move forward without that hate. I suppose a part of me will pine for her for a long time, but getting close to 7 months post breakup I'm beginning to see my life without her in it. I don't necessarily think it's a shame to go NC on good terms, I mean sure, immediately after a breakup one person is usually hurt and the other not... and it's understandable to be on bad terms in that case. But in my situation, it's been a half a year since that and I have done quite a bit of healing all throughout... and if you ask me, 7 months of bad terms is a bit ridiculous, there has to be a time in which you or both learns to accept the relationship's demise, forgive each other, and move forward on GOOD terms. That's where I'm at.

[betterdeal]

You move on in your life without her, that's moving on. You forgive, let go, come to terms with - call it what you will - yourself. You do not need her to validate that for you. Your forgiveness exists whether or not she accepts it or not. Your words and your actions, meanwhile do not match up: you say you are going to move on but you keep finding excuses to go back to her.

 

Personally, I found going to a church, sitting down and wished that we both find the peace and happiness we're looking for was where my forgiveness started. As an atheist, I don't go to church often, but they are good places to make good wishes.

 

All up to you, bro. Pay attention to what you actually do and compare it to what you say, and the closer the two get to each other, the more peace you will find.

[Heartache3]

Thanks a lot man, I will take what you said to heart. I'm glad you understand where I'm coming from too. I like your idea of going to a church and thinking of forgiveness like you did... I'm an agnostic but that doesn't matter, it sounds like a good place to start.