The ending again

[Tenacity]

I haven't posted in awhile. But my sordid story is that I was involved with MM for a period of years. Claims of divorce, plans to be together forever, then suddenly telling me he could only be "friends" (with benefits). I was so hooked by that time and had lost so much perspective that I went with it. Anything to not lose him.

 

He went back and forth on how much contact he wanted with me, it would change on a dime and I was supposed to accept that. He would be great one day, wanting to talk and get along, then be furious at me the next day, out of the blue, and would say horrible things to me. Then he would get over it, usually after I talked him into getting over it and taking the blame for whatever it was.

 

I have been trying NC for months now, and keep failing. At first it was because he would contact me and I would fall back into it. But this last time, it was he who said "This is done and over. I never want to hear from you again". And he meant it.

 

Right now I am furious with myself for being pathetic, for not standing up strong for my convictions and for myself. For not being the one to END it. But what I am the most mad about right now is that I had his child (about 2 years ago). The baby was born very prematurely and died within a few hours of birth.

 

I went through that alone. (This was do-able as we were long distance at the time). I didn't tell him until after it happened, but when I told him he refused to say a word about it at all. He would not discuss it. He had such a convincing way of making me feel like I was the one who was in the wrong and everything he did was justifiable. So much so, that I lost all perspective as to who was to blame for what. So I sucked it up and put it aside and I actually continued on in a friendship (multiple times daily contact) with him.

 

Yes, I know I am to blame for the affair. I don't need a dressing down or lectures as I have heard and read them all here. I agree.

 

But now that it's OVER, and much later, I can't forget about my child. I am dealing with horrible urges to contact his W and tell her that he had a CHILD with me. She has no idea. It would destroy him. Why is it that my life was destroyed while he just goes along his merry way, as if I and his child never even existed? What kind of person does not even acknowledge their flesh and blood? Or was that so much my fault that his ignoring that was justifiable?

 

I would have asked nothing from him had the baby lived. I mourn the loss every day. But I am beyond furious that, even to the very end, he would not say a single word to me about the baby. After this last ending transpired I contacted him to ask if he wanted to see a picture of the baby. I received no response. I know he got the message.

 

I feel like two of us, myself and my baby, didn't even exist. I am the only one who knows about my child and I am so angry. I feel like striking out and DEMANDING that it be acknowledged. I feel like we were NOTHING.

 

Then another part of me, some smaller part, actually thinks about apologizing to him about expecting him to acknowledge the baby, that maybe that is too much to expect. And apologizing for the email I sent after the end, saying how much I did not deserve the verbal abuse and beratement and cruel treatment that I received. Maybe what he said in denial of it was right, and maybe I am just the crazy one.

 

I have lost all perspective. What would help me most right now is to get others' opinions on whether he is a (insert expletive of choice here) for denying the existence of his child. Even just to say "I'm sorry it happened and that you went through that alone". Or whether my feelings that he is a louse for doing this are justified. I wish I could explain how angry I am about this denial. I just can't get past it.

[whichwayisup]

I'm suggesting you go to bereavement counselling to help you cope with the loss of your child. I'm sorry for your pain.

 

As for him, don't do anything. Lashing out or telling his wife will only add unnecessary drama and more pain into your life and you don't need that.

[wannabdone]

I haven't posted in awhile. But my sordid story is that I was involved with MM for a period of years. Claims of divorce, plans to be together forever, then suddenly telling me he could only be "friends" (with benefits). I was so hooked by that time and had lost so much perspective that I went with it. Anything to not lose him.

 

He went back and forth on how much contact he wanted with me, it would change on a dime and I was supposed to accept that. He would be great one day, wanting to talk and get along, then be furious at me the next day, out of the blue, and would say horrible things to me. Then he would get over it, usually after I talked him into getting over it and taking the blame for whatever it was.

 

I have been trying NC for months now, and keep failing. At first it was because he would contact me and I would fall back into it. But this last time, it was he who said "This is done and over. I never want to hear from you again". And he meant it.

 

Right now I am furious with myself for being pathetic, for not standing up strong for my convictions and for myself. For not being the one to END it. But what I am the most mad about right now is that I had his child (about 2 years ago). The baby was born very prematurely and died within a few hours of birth.

 

I went through that alone. (This was do-able as we were long distance at the time). I didn't tell him until after it happened, but when I told him he refused to say a word about it at all. He would not discuss it. He had such a convincing way of making me feel like I was the one who was in the wrong and everything he did was justifiable. So much so, that I lost all perspective as to who was to blame for what. So I sucked it up and put it aside and I actually continued on in a friendship (multiple times daily contact) with him.

 

Yes, I know I am to blame for the affair. I don't need a dressing down or lectures as I have heard and read them all here. I agree.

 

But now that it's OVER, and much later, I can't forget about my child. I am dealing with horrible urges to contact his W and tell her that he had a CHILD with me. She has no idea. It would destroy him. Why is it that my life was destroyed while he just goes along his merry way, as if I and his child never even existed? What kind of person does not even acknowledge their flesh and blood? Or was that so much my fault that his ignoring that was justifiable?

 

I would have asked nothing from him had the baby lived. I mourn the loss every day. But I am beyond furious that, even to the very end, he would not say a single word to me about the baby. After this last ending transpired I contacted him to ask if he wanted to see a picture of the baby. I received no response. I know he got the message.

 

I feel like two of us, myself and my baby, didn't even exist. I am the only one who knows about my child and I am so angry. I feel like striking out and DEMANDING that it be acknowledged. I feel like we were NOTHING.

 

Then another part of me, some smaller part, actually thinks about apologizing to him about expecting him to acknowledge the baby, that maybe that is too much to expect. And apologizing for the email I sent after the end, saying how much I did not deserve the verbal abuse and beratement and cruel treatment that I received. Maybe what he said in denial of it was right, and maybe I am just the crazy one.

 

I have lost all perspective. What would help me most right now is to get others' opinions on whether he is a (insert expletive of choice here) for denying the existence of his child. Even just to say "I'm sorry it happened and that you went through that alone". Or whether my feelings that he is a louse for doing this are justified. I wish I could explain how angry I am about this denial. I just can't get past it.

 

 

Oh sweetheart, reading your post.... my heart just aches for you. Not only are you mourning the loss of this R, and the loss of your self worth, you are mourning the loss of your child. I am so, so, sorry. That is so much to have to go through.

 

I agree with you saying you know you were to blame, etc. etc. The fact is we all know our part in this, and we don't need to hear that. The reason is we wanted to "give love a chance", and thought it would work. There is no shame in that. So please don't beat yourself up over that.

 

I know how hard it is to deal with someone who won't give you what you need. A very narcassistic person who feels they are never wrong and can change things to be your fault. People when they read these threads do not understand unless they have been in a R with the ppl, how much they can screw with your head. He has abused you for years, and got you so low on yourself, (which is were he wanted you) that he could control you. Remember, the Narcassists hate themselves essentially, this is why they do these things to others.

 

I have been in your boat somewhat. I was pregnant with his child, he went NC after a Dday and left me alone, not ever asking about me or his child. I lost the baby, and then of course after he comes back he apologized for not being there for me. I bought it then, but don't now.

 

Here is the fact, you will never get him to give you what you need. He has never had intentions of that. You are going to have to try and find peace with in yourself and be okay with the fact you will never get the acknowledgment of your child and what he has done to you. I don't see were contacting the W will help. He will just tell her you are lying. I know that going on with no apology is hard. It just seems like the "right" thing to do, when you hurt someone. Just to give them closure. But, he just doesn't know or isn't into doing the right thing. The right thing for you or his W that is. He only is consumed with himself.

 

So, what did he get so angry about this time that he said he didn't want to talk to you? How long has that been?

[So Very Confused]

Tenacity,

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you. That sucks on so many levels.

 

I suffered a miscarriage many years ago and it still makes me sad and I still feel the loss. Eventually, it wasn't consuming me and I have been able to move on. I agree that maybe some bereavement counseling my help. I know counseling really helped me. Having a place to go and talk about it and cry really helped.

 

As for your ex. What a piece of work. What a piece of sh*t. You don't have anything to apologize for. Please don't do that. You didn't do anything wrong. I know what it's like to not have a voice. It sucks and it makes you feel like you've been invalidated as a person. You can't change the person that did that to you, but you can make sure you don't ever put up with that again from anyone else.

 

I read a really good book called "Why is it always about you". I highly recommend it to understand why a person becomes a narcassist and how to deal with them.

 

As for calling his W, please don't do that. I can't say you would be wrong for doing so, but I think you would feel guilty about it and regret it and you don't need that.

 

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}

[seren]

Hi Tenacity, it sounds like you are beating yourself up about just about everything, even your use of language to describe the A, yourself is derogatory to you. OK, you had an A, the rights or wrongs are not the issue here, the issue is that you have been treated disgracefully by someone you loved, thought loved you and who wasn't there for you at possibly the time when they should have been more than any other. I am so, so sorry that you had to go through all that and sorry that you appear to be taking it all upon yourself.

 

I think any of us who have felt betrayed, in whatever role or capacity struggle to understand how the person we have shared love with can be so unfeeling and we will continue to wonder at this. When there is no understanding it is often the case that we heap all the blame for their unfeeling onto ourselves. I sincerely hope that at some point you will see clearly that it really was nothing to do with you, and all to do with him.

 

The loss of your baby is a terrible thing to go through, I am sorry you have had to go through this. The raw grief does lessen with time, those of us who have experienced this carry our lost babies with us each and every day and mourn what could have been. My thoughts are with you on this and I hope that in time, you will find some peace. The XMM, frankly, sounds like a cold, unfeeling waste of space. If my H had treated the OW this way I would have left him, simply because he would not have been any sort of man I could respect. Human decency and responsibility to one's child trancends the rights and wrongs of A's, personal responsibility should extend to one's children and he showed none of that.

 

I hope you find peace, I hope you have IRL support and someone who can provide you with a safe place to grieve and heal. as for telling the BS, is this a can of worms you have the strength with opening right now? Look after you Tenacity, please stop with the bringing yourself down, so much loss, so much pain, it all comes through with your post. Take very, very good care of yourself xx Seren

[Emme]

I am so sorry for your loss. At times I am the first person to say walk away. This time I am not. The reason why, there was a child. Sometimes a lot of people can’t move forward until they get what they have to say out. The circumstance of loosing your child is heart breaking. If you have the strength, let him know how you feel. You are going to have to do it for you and your child. Talking to his wife is not the issue. You are not talking to him to upset the wife. You will speak to him to get the anger that you have out of your system for how he dismissed the child you shared. I don’t know in what term you lost the child but to not even want a picture of acknowledge the existence… Tell him the f*ck off. When you are finished saying what you must, walk away. Face to face, not by phone or email. Face to face. Stay strong.

[TurningTables]

Hi T. I remember you and your story. We joined LS about the same time and entered NC at the same too. I am sorry to hear you havent been doing well. Have you thought about going to IC? I think it might help you deal with the loss of your child and the A. My heart really goes out to you.

 

As for the xMM, I wouldnt contact him or his W. Contacting either of them isnt going to help you feel any better. Im sure it might for awhile,but the pain will come back and its not the way for you to start healing and moving on. Its time for you to take your control back and focus on you getting better. Please find a friend IRL and get to IC. Its going to take awhile to feel better, but I promise you will get there.

 

If you need to talk, PM me.

[fooled once]

You know I think you are wonderful...remember that.

 

What in the world are you thinking?????? Seriously - you want to APOLOGIZE to him ... for what exactly? For not falling at his fecking feet and begging him to continue to verbally berate you? For not accepting his sh*tty treatment with a smile on your face? For not licking the bottom of his feet? Apologize to him? WTF????

 

I know you are angry. I know you are hurting. But I think you just want to reach out to him. You cannot make him recognize the baby. You cannot make him give a damn. You cannot make him do anything or feel anything.

 

You can accept that he is a piss poor human being. You can accept that he never truly cared about you (or the baby). You can accept that you made a huge mistake in getting involved with him. You can accept that it is over. Say that last one again - it is over.

 

Are you wanting to tell his wife to hurt him? Do you realize that you will only be hurting yourself? You do realize he will deny he ever touched you and he will tell her you are a delusional lonely woman who got pregnant from a one night stand and then decided in your warped mind that HE was the father of the child. He will tear you to shred to his wife. She will of course trust her husband and she will shred you apart with her words. Do you need or want that drama in your life?

 

I know you want payback. I get that. You want him to hurt like you are hurting. You want him to acknowledge how much you are hurting and that your child was his child. He is never going to do that.

 

When was the last time you contacted him or had contact with him? My honest thoughts - you are an abused woman who keeps wanting her abuser back in her life. That is what I got from reading your post today. You want him to want you so bad that you are willing to do anything to get him to acknowledge you.

 

But I know that you are not that woman. You are a strong woman. You are a hurting woman. I think like someone suggested you need to talk to a grieve counselor. You need to work through your grief. My family member lost their 3 year old a little over 2 years ago. The family member has been grieving so badly. The first year was the worst - the first holidays, the first birthday that passed. As the 2nd year of the passing came and went, the family member has changed so much. The sadness is gone from the eyes. The light is back. Weight that had been gained during mourning has been shed. Life is out there to live. You need to work through your grief and most importantly, you MUST MUST MUST forgive yourself. Do you think you can do that?

 

You know I am rooting for you. You know I want the best for you. You know I care about you. ((hugs))

 

Each day is a new day. The only person you can change is you. The only person you can heal is you. I wish you nothing but happiness.

[NoIDidn't]

Tenacity

 

I can't get over your choice of names and how the OP doesn't sound like someone with that trait at all.

 

What I read sounded like it came from a person that felt they had no worth at all, and that because another person treated them that way that they came to believe it.

 

I agree with WWIU, but not just about the baby (I'm very sorry for your loss), but also just for your own sense of inner peace and self-worth.

[Tenacity]

To everyone who took the time to reply...

 

I have been pretty much non-functional but reading your replies over and over has had me in tears. Why is it that there are people who can care about, and be supportive of, people online whom they have never met, more than some other people can even care about the ones they claim to love? Thank you.

 

The thing that is going to get me through this are the statements that I can't make him care. I can't make him care about me or his baby or even acknowledge his baby for that matter. That is freeing, although it hurts like a knife in the heart. But all of that time I spent trying to be what he wanted, hang onto him because I wanted him to care, was pointless. He just didn't.

 

I am not going to tell his wife anything. Let her live in blissful ignorance. It takes away nothing from me.

 

Right now I feel like another poster whose thread I just read, like I am a total, dysfunctional mess. I know that my name seems ridiculous given all of this, and it is. But I picked that name because I am, or used to be, a strong, intelligent, independent, attractive, educated and professional woman. I just don't know where that woman went.

 

fooled_once... I really have no words to thank you. You will never have any idea how much you have helped me. I don't know why you think I am wonderful right now, as I certainly am not acting like it. But you absolutely are.

[wannabdone]

To everyone who took the time to reply...

 

I have been pretty much non-functional but reading your replies over and over has had me in tears. Why is it that there are people who can care about, and be supportive of, people online whom they have never met, more than some other people can even care about the ones they claim to love? Thank you.

 

The thing that is going to get me through this are the statements that I can't make him care. I can't make him care about me or his baby or even acknowledge his baby for that matter. That is freeing, although it hurts like a knife in the heart. But all of that time I spent trying to be what he wanted, hang onto him because I wanted him to care, was pointless. He just didn't.

 

I am not going to tell his wife anything. Let her live in blissful ignorance. It takes away nothing from me.

 

Right now I feel like another poster whose thread I just read, like I am a total, dysfunctional mess. I know that my name seems ridiculous given all of this, and it is. But I picked that name because I am, or used to be, a strong, intelligent, independent, attractive, educated and professional woman. I just don't know where that woman went.

 

fooled_once... I really have no words to thank you. You will never have any idea how much you have helped me. I don't know why you think I am wonderful right now, as I certainly am not acting like it. But you absolutely are.

 

 

NO!!! your name says it all sweetness!!!! look at everything you have gone through and are still surviving. You might be hurting, yes, but you have went through things and survived them that most people could never....so your name says everything you are.

 

Read those posts as much as you want, post as much as you want....no matter how stupid. DO WHAT HELPS YOU. We have helped them for too long, now its our turn. Want to read something over and over again...read this:

 

-YOU ARE BETTER THAN HIM

-YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR HIM

-HE DOES NOT DESERVE YOU

-YOU DESERVE MORE, THE BEST!!

-YOU WILL SURVIVE

-THIS SHALL PASS

-YOU WILL BE HAPPY

-HE WILL STAY MISERABLE

-HE IS A POS

-HE IS NOT WORTH YOUR TIME

-YOU CAN NEVER GET HIM TO CARE

-THERE IS A SPECIAL PLACE IN HELL FOR HIM!!!!!!

 

I'm gonna keep checkng this site and for your posts. If you need to vent, feel like talking, what ever. I'm with you...I found more support here than anywhere and its nice. You aren't alone, in this. We will help you get through all this. I will keep checking in case you need a shoulder. I'm here, and I will help you as much as I can.

 

hugs!

[fooled once]

To everyone who took the time to reply...

 

I have been pretty much non-functional but reading your replies over and over has had me in tears. Why is it that there are people who can care about, and be supportive of, people online whom they have never met, more than some other people can even care about the ones they claim to love? Thank you.

 

The thing that is going to get me through this are the statements that I can't make him care. I can't make him care about me or his baby or even acknowledge his baby for that matter. That is freeing, although it hurts like a knife in the heart. But all of that time I spent trying to be what he wanted, hang onto him because I wanted him to care, was pointless. He just didn't.

 

I am not going to tell his wife anything. Let her live in blissful ignorance. It takes away nothing from me.

 

Right now I feel like another poster whose thread I just read, like I am a total, dysfunctional mess. I know that my name seems ridiculous given all of this, and it is. But I picked that name because I am, or used to be, a strong, intelligent, independent, attractive, educated and professional woman. I just don't know where that woman went.

 

fooled_once... I really have no words to thank you. You will never have any idea how much you have helped me. I don't know why you think I am wonderful right now, as I certainly am not acting like it. But you absolutely are.

 

((hugs))

 

Hey, you are wonderful. Right now, you are hurting. You are feeling low, unimportant, uncared for and invisible. I get that feeling. I really do. Know why I think you are wonderful? Let me list things for you:

 

1. You chose to carry a child that was conceived with someone (I won't go into bad names) when you 'easily' could have made the choice to terminate the pregnancy.

 

2. You gave your heart and soul to someone who was completely unworthy of it. But you chose to either overlook things or believe in love. You chose love.

 

3. You have mourned your baby. Many people who have been through a similar situation may not have. But you did. You chose to honor her.

 

4. You didn't use the pregnancy to gain anything with him. You didn't use it as a crutch, a tool or as a manipulation tactic.

 

5. You are human. You have loved. You have lost. You have mourned the loss of the baby and the loss of someone you loved.

 

6. You take time to help others. You reach out to others in pain and make the decision to help. Heck, that is what you do for a living - you help.

 

7. You want your child to be acknowledged and remembered. You will fight to ensure she is. You held her, you love her and you will always carry a piece of her in your heart.

 

I could go on and on. But I don't want to make you cry. I figure you are doing enough of that right now

 

Let me tell you something - when I found out I was pregnant with my son - and I told my H (his father), he was 'eh, great. We found out it was a boy, because he said if it was a girl, he wouldn't want it. He was very happy he would have a son. He made all these promises of what he would do with a son. We divorced when our son was 6. He has never done any of the crap he promised to do with our son. Our son is his ONLY child. He rarely took visitation (we live within 15 miles of each other now - prior to this, we were about 5 miles apart). He has whined constantly about paying child support (I had to call him every single month for 12 years to remind him to pay his support. Never once did he send it on time nor did he ever send it without a reminder). He only paid what we agreed on when our son was 6. It was 1/2 the state guidelines and I never once raised it. A car payment was higher than the support. He never chipped in for his glasses/contacts, school activities, etc. He remarried when our son was 16. He asked our son to be a part of it. I offered to fly our son to the location they picked for the wedding (it was just a justice of the peace wedding on a beach - no family went). He changed his mind a few weeks later and univited HIS SON to the wedding. To this day, he has very little to do with our son. They live 3 miles apart. He has no idea how my son's life has changed since last December.

 

It has taken me many years to not hate him for hurting our son. He has no idea how many times he has made him cry. He has let him down so many times, I know our son never expects much from him now. Instead, our son turns to me and his stepdad. He knows we are here for him - all the time. He is a remarkable young man - he is 22. I guarantee you his father has no idea how old he is. He has remembered ONCE in the last 16 years when his ONLY child's birthday is!!!

 

So I get what you are feeling about him recognizing his child. One silver lining I can give you is that your child now will not have to deal with the rejection of the father That is not a good thing for any child.

 

Hang in there. You will get stronger. You will pick up the pieces and move on. You will be a stronger, healthier woman because of all this. I know it sounds like crap, but I know you will grow so much from all this and you will VALUE you and your love so much more going forward. He isn't worth your tears my friend. ((hugs))

[MissBee]

This is horrible Tenacity, I can only imagine

 

I second the bereavement counseling. Losing a child is an extremely difficult thing I imagine, even when one is within a normal, loving relationship where you can openly discuss and support each other and gain your family's support, furthermore losing a child within an affair dynamic where certain things cannot be acknowledged and you and your AP don't have the full freedom to be there for each other....I'm very sorry but you definitely do need to get it off your chest and grieve that loss.

 

What the MM is doing is horrible....however, I also can understand how he may truly not know what to do or say. I think the affair dynamic, him having a wife and the lot compounds the paralysis. He probably feels very bad and it eats him up and he probably feels guilt daily, even though he isn't saying anything to you. I can imagine he doesn't know what to say. It is not excusable at all but I can imagine it is something like that versus him truly having no care in the world about this. He probably feels like an idiot and an a$$ and regretful that he got himself into such a scenario.

 

I understand you wanting to tell the wife and in some ways I can't fault you for that but I would suggest going to the bereavement counseling before making that choice. If you told her though, I wouldn't blame you. Also, please don't apologize to him! Please...there is no need for that. If he can't even apologize that you guys lost your child then quite frankly there is NOTHING ON EARTH he deserves an apology for.

[wannabdone]

((hugs))

 

Hey, you are wonderful. Right now, you are hurting. You are feeling low, unimportant, uncared for and invisible. I get that feeling. I really do. Know why I think you are wonderful? Let me list things for you:

 

1. You chose to carry a child that was conceived with someone (I won't go into bad names) when you 'easily' could have made the choice to terminate the pregnancy.

 

2. You gave your heart and soul to someone who was completely unworthy of it. But you chose to either overlook things or believe in love. You chose love.

 

3. You have mourned your baby. Many people who have been through a similar situation may not have. But you did. You chose to honor her.

 

4. You didn't use the pregnancy to gain anything with him. You didn't use it as a crutch, a tool or as a manipulation tactic.

 

5. You are human. You have loved. You have lost. You have mourned the loss of the baby and the loss of someone you loved.

 

6. You take time to help others. You reach out to others in pain and make the decision to help. Heck, that is what you do for a living - you help.

 

7. You want your child to be acknowledged and remembered. You will fight to ensure she is. You held her, you love her and you will always carry a piece of her in your heart.

 

I could go on and on. But I don't want to make you cry. I figure you are doing enough of that right now

 

Let me tell you something - when I found out I was pregnant with my son - and I told my H (his father), he was 'eh, great. We found out it was a boy, because he said if it was a girl, he wouldn't want it. He was very happy he would have a son. He made all these promises of what he would do with a son. We divorced when our son was 6. He has never done any of the crap he promised to do with our son. Our son is his ONLY child. He rarely took visitation (we live within 15 miles of each other now - prior to this, we were about 5 miles apart). He has whined constantly about paying child support (I had to call him every single month for 12 years to remind him to pay his support. Never once did he send it on time nor did he ever send it without a reminder). He only paid what we agreed on when our son was 6. It was 1/2 the state guidelines and I never once raised it. A car payment was higher than the support. He never chipped in for his glasses/contacts, school activities, etc. He remarried when our son was 16. He asked our son to be a part of it. I offered to fly our son to the location they picked for the wedding (it was just a justice of the peace wedding on a beach - no family went). He changed his mind a few weeks later and univited HIS SON to the wedding. To this day, he has very little to do with our son. They live 3 miles apart. He has no idea how my son's life has changed since last December.

 

It has taken me many years to not hate him for hurting our son. He has no idea how many times he has made him cry. He has let him down so many times, I know our son never expects much from him now. Instead, our son turns to me and his stepdad. He knows we are here for him - all the time. He is a remarkable young man - he is 22. I guarantee you his father has no idea how old he is. He has remembered ONCE in the last 16 years when his ONLY child's birthday is!!!

 

So I get what you are feeling about him recognizing his child. One silver lining I can give you is that your child now will not have to deal with the rejection of the father That is not a good thing for any child.

 

Hang in there. You will get stronger. You will pick up the pieces and move on. You will be a stronger, healthier woman because of all this. I know it sounds like crap, but I know you will grow so much from all this and you will VALUE you and your love so much more going forward. He isn't worth your tears my friend. ((hugs))

 

 

FO.... What an absolutely BEAUTIFUL POST!!!!

I read your post and my heart ached for you and your son. We can hurt for ourselves, but nothing to how we can hurt for our babies. My son is 16 and is still my baby!!! You have done a amazing job.... kudos to you on raisisng such a great kid!!!! GREAT JOB HERE, MOMMA!!!!!

 

@ Ten.... FO is right on all the accounts. I think the best way you can honor that sweet angel of yours is to honor her momma. Get yourself healthy and heal and whole for her. She would want that for you.

 

Again, you are strong, beautiful woman.....it comes through in your posts. Hang in there kid!!!!

[wannabdone]

This is horrible Tenacity, I can only imagine

 

I second the bereavement counseling. Losing a child is an extremely difficult thing I imagine, even when one is within a normal, loving relationship where you can openly discuss and support each other and gain your family's support, furthermore losing a child within an affair dynamic where certain things cannot be acknowledged and you and your AP don't have the full freedom to be there for each other....I'm very sorry but you definitely do need to get it off your chest and grieve that loss.

 

What the MM is doing is horrible....however, I also can understand how he may truly not know what to do or say. I think the affair dynamic, him having a wife and the lot compounds the paralysis. He probably feels very bad and it eats him up and he probably feels guilt daily, even though he isn't saying anything to you. I can imagine he doesn't know what to say. It is not excusable at all but I can imagine it is something like that versus him truly having no care in the world about this. He probably feels like an idiot and an a$$ and regretful that he got himself into such a scenario.

 

I understand you wanting to tell the wife and in some ways I can't fault you for that but I would suggest going to the bereavement counseling before making that choice. If you told her though, I wouldn't blame you. Also, please don't apologize to him! Please...there is no need for that. If he can't even apologize that you guys lost your child then quite frankly there is NOTHING ON EARTH he deserves an apology for.

 

Totally agree with MB. He very well might no what to say.... which is no excuse, because he could just say... "i don't know what to say".

 

Being in your position exactly and losing me and xMM's child, I never told her. And the reason why is the reason I suggest you don't and fear if you do. If you do, and he claims your lying or it wasn't his....its just one more way he has hurt you by not acknowledging your child. And I fear in the state you are in, that would only be more harmful.

 

But, yes...please, go get breavement counseling.

 

hugs, sister!!!

[Tenacity]

Thank you everyone. Again. I know I keep saying it, but you are the only reason I'm getting through this.

 

And fooled once: Your list did make me cry but it also made me see that I need to get that person back. I am so sorry for what you have gone through with your son. I can't imagine how your son must feel, and what kind of 'father' would do such a thing. I am glad, at least, that my child won't have to go through that.

 

wannabdone: I read your posts on the 'what do you want to say' thread. I am so sorry for all you have been through for all those years.

[wannabdone]

Thank you everyone. Again. I know I keep saying it, but you are the only reason I'm getting through this.

 

And fooled once: Your list did make me cry but it also made me see that I need to get that person back. I am so sorry for what you have gone through with your son. I can't imagine how your son must feel, and what kind of 'father' would do such a thing. I am glad, at least, that my child won't have to go through that.

 

wannabdone: I read your posts on the 'what do you want to say' thread. I am so sorry for all you have been through for all those years.

 

 

Thx Ten... wow... you made me cry. So sad that it feels so nice, even if coming from a total stranger, to have someone say "i'm sorry".

[fooled once]

FO.... What an absolutely BEAUTIFUL POST!!!!

I read your post and my heart ached for you and your son. We can hurt for ourselves, but nothing to how we can hurt for our babies. My son is 16 and is still my baby!!! You have done a amazing job.... kudos to you on raisisng such a great kid!!!! GREAT JOB HERE, MOMMA!!!!!

 

@ Ten.... FO is right on all the accounts. I think the best way you can honor that sweet angel of yours is to honor her momma. Get yourself healthy and heal and whole for her. She would want that for you.

 

Again, you are strong, beautiful woman.....it comes through in your posts. Hang in there kid!!!!

 

Thanks wanna. I have cherished every single moment of my son's life - even the tough ones. I am so glad I never had to "share" him. I have never missed a single Christmas morning with him; I have never missed a school event, I have listened to horrible TRUMPET playing, I have listened to this kid of mine be able to read music now and self taught himself how to play the piano and guitar. He works very hard (has been working since he was 15 - at times having 2 jobs) and 2 years ago my husband approached my son about buying a house together - I am not even on the mortgage! My husband saw that his step son is responsible, hard working and incredibly independent and chose to co-sign and put the down payment down so now my son has a home. My H would never do this with his kids because he knows they have no idea how to be self reliant. He is a good kid (and yes, he will always be a kid to me) and I honestly could not be happier with the person he has become. He still makes mistakes, but he owns them and accepts the lecture when it comes

 

Thank you everyone. Again. I know I keep saying it, but you are the only reason I'm getting through this.

 

And fooled once: Your list did make me cry but it also made me see that I need to get that person back. I am so sorry for what you have gone through with your son. I can't imagine how your son must feel, and what kind of 'father' would do such a thing. I am glad, at least, that my child won't have to go through that.

 

wannabdone: I read your posts on the 'what do you want to say' thread. I am so sorry for all you have been through for all those years.

 

Sweetie, you don't have to say thank you to us. The majority of us have been in similar positions as you. I wish there had been a site like this when I was going through my situation many many years ago. I think I could have benefited from it. I am just glad that we can be here for you.

 

I am very glad your child doesn't have to go through what my son did. It was heartbreaking to hold this little boy while he cried and asked me why his dad didn't like him I lied for my ex for years; but stopped lying for him when our son turned 16. He saw his dad for what he is - an alcoholic who only cares about his next beer. His dryer broke a year ago and he asked his dad if he could come use it to dry his clothes. His dad told him no. So he packed it all up and brought it to my house. I offered to do it for him (I love doing his laundry!!) and he said no, it was his responsibility. He bought a new dryer within a week My son called me the day after his birthday this year - when he turned 22. He called and said "hey dad called me today - he thought it was my birthday". He laughed and just said "what a dope". His birthday coincides with a holiday - it is NOT easy to 'forget'. It is what it is. Like I said, I am glad your baby didn't have to 'deal' with that; but that doesn't make YOUR loss any easier. I know your heart was wide open and you would have loved your child enough for 10 people. There is a reason for everything; as trite as that saying is, I firmly believe it.

 

You will get that woman back, with some changes. She will be smarter, healthier, and stronger. I realized after my situation ended, I would never ever again 'settle' for less, and I am proud to say I stuck to that. One day at a time; grieve, get your strength back and know that you have a special angel watching over you ((hugs))