Poco73 Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 How can I get past resenting him when he treated her like a princess and I'm Cinderella. The things he did for her , gifts, compliments. etc. I know too much and it kills me. Others notice and have said things. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 How can I get past resenting him when he treated her like a princess and I'm Cinderella. The things he did for her , gifts, compliments. etc. I know too much and it kills me. Others notice and have said things. I'd have to know more context in order to comment. Is she the X wife? X gf? If you both had the same status in his life, both were a gf, then perhaps he felt he did too much for the prior gf, and it all went for naught, and he's not going to put himself out like that for the next one. I can't really give an opinion without more information about your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Did she treat him badly or betray him? If so some men are determined to never be the nice guy doormat again so the treat the woman the opposite way. It's not right at all but it might be the reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Poco73 Posted September 10, 2011 Author Share Posted September 10, 2011 Sorry my whole message did not show up. It is his ex wife. He did anything and everything to make her happy before and after they split. He bought her luxury car , jewelry , brkfst in bed, bought her any home she wanted( they owned 4) he trlls me we dont need to own a home, so we rent. She received gifts if she had a bad day. He Told her she was beautiful without her asking. If they didn't have sex he was crushed. I know all this first hand . Fast forward to us. He bought new car for himself (2nd since we've been together ) While his ex has a BMW that he bought her when she asked for divorce.. I have a bad day at work and he tells me I'm weak and yo suck it up he used to bring her flowers at work if she called mid- day to tell him of a bad day. I'm sick and he does nothing she was sick and he had her stay in bed snd he catered to her needs . She got spa days and cleaning ladies. He got her great bday gifts. I get the same meaningless gift every year that he buys the day of. I gave up asking how I look.. She was stunning. His exact words . I've never been complimrmented other than. "You look fine" . It hurts and I can't move forward becaus I know so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Poco73 Posted September 10, 2011 Author Share Posted September 10, 2011 Did she treat him badly or betray him? If so some men are determined to never be the nice guy doormat again so the treat the woman the opposite way. It's not right at all but it might be the reason. She had numerous affairs dome he knew of some he didn't until afterwards Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 She had numerous affairs dome he knew of some he didn't until afterwards This is much of the reason why. Sadly you are being punished for the actions of his ex. Women who treat a good man like that can really make him go bad. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 (edited) Sorry my whole message did not show up. It is his ex wife. He did anything and everything to make her happy before and after they split. He bought her luxury car , jewelry , brkfst in bed, bought her any home she wanted( they owned 4) he trlls me we dont need to own a home, so we rent. She received gifts if she had a bad day. He Told her she was beautiful without her asking. If they didn't have sex he was crushed. I know all this first hand . Fast forward to us. He bought new car for himself (2nd since we've been together ) While his ex has a BMW that he bought her when she asked for divorce.. I have a bad day at work and he tells me I'm weak and yo suck it up he used to bring her flowers at work if she called mid- day to tell him of a bad day. I'm sick and he does nothing she was sick and he had her stay in bed snd he catered to her needs . She got spa days and cleaning ladies. He got her great bday gifts. I get the same meaningless gift every year that he buys the day of. I gave up asking how I look.. She was stunning. His exact words . I've never been complimrmented other than. "You look fine" . It hurts and I can't move forward becaus I know so much. He must have really loved her and valued her, and tried hard to keep that marriage together. Sounds like he doesn't value you and thinks she was the best, and he doesn't have to try very hard with you. Sounds like she must have been a pretty hard act to follow. Time for you to find someone who does value you and who treats you well, cares about you and respects you. I am assuming you are not married yet to this man. If you are, please seek counseling, so he realizes the importance of treating you well. Edited September 10, 2011 by KathyM Link to post Share on other sites
Author Poco73 Posted September 10, 2011 Author Share Posted September 10, 2011 I've thought that he is jaded. As far as her and I ,I work full time she didn't I cook she couldn't I clean she couldn't . He couldn't do enough for her and won't Do the same things for me. He says we cannot afford a car payment to get me new vehicle but he spends money on himself . Is he just jaded and selfish? Maybe he just isnt the one for me? I'm not saying I'm better than her . She volunteers but hey she has the time . She is the type of woman if you see her she is pretty but if you really see her she is not. Am I rambling? Do much to say but seems like I'm all over the place. Sorry Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 He is jaded. He did all those things for her and she ends up cheating on him. He is determined to never let that happen again. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Your relationship is very unhealthy. Why on Earth has he shared with you things like he "told her she was beautiful without being asked"? All of that stuff about their marriage ... is none of your business; you should not be inquiring about it, and he should not be sharing it. The fact that this is happening is probably even more of a problem than the fact that he evidently treated her in a way you'd like to be treated. BOUNDARIES ARE KEY TO GOOD RELATIONSHIPS. There is no undoing the facts of his past marriage. There is no undoing the fact that you know a bunch of stuff that you should not be privy to. So, it's pretty hard to unravel that mess and get to a place where you could figure out how to be happily married to this man. ARE you happy? Are your needs being met (completely ASIDE from comparing how he was with her to how he is with you)? Is he a very wealthy man? I bet he is not, and if he really did buy 4 homes, BMW, etc for the ex, I imagine he WAY overextended himself financially. Anyway, you need to identify exactly what it is you WANT and you NEED from your husband. This must not have ANYTHING to do with what "she" got. It has to be what is truly important to YOU. Then you need to communicate it to him. If he will give it to you, then, good. If he won't, then you must face the reality of living in an unfulfilling relationship, or leave it. Link to post Share on other sites
country_gurl Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Well he was married to her but isn't married to you. Perhaps he doesn't do the things he did for her because he's not married to you? Perhaps he did all of those things for her because he was trying to buy her love because he KNEW she was cheating on him and it killed him? How do you know so much of what he did for her? Are they officially DIVORCED? Is he in the same financial position as he was then to afford all of the things he did with her? You almost seem a little too preoccupied with "material things." Buying someone a car or a home doesn't really express love. Does your guy show you love in other ways? If you're not happy and you feel that he treated her so much better than he treats you, then you seriously have to end things with him otherwise you'll forever resent him and your self-esteem will go further down the toilet. Link to post Share on other sites
rafallus Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 This is much of the reason why. Sadly you are being punished for the actions of his ex. Women who treat a good man like that can really make him go bad. And in turn, he can make her go bad as well, with his craptacular treatment, creating essentially a chain of evil. Link to post Share on other sites
shayla Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Whatever the reason, do not waste your time or your love on a man that doesn't treat you with love or respect. It's not like you are asking him to throw rose petals at your feet while you are walking. do not accept his reasons that he mistreats you. Meet someone who's issues don't bleed into his relationship with you. If he wasn't ready to start with you with a clean slate, he should have set back and let you find a grown man who knows what his priorities should be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Poco73 Posted September 10, 2011 Author Share Posted September 10, 2011 We are married. The reason I know so much is not because I asked. We live in small area and I am best of friends with one of her friends and knew most of this before we got together. I think I'm just the rebound. I know it's not healthy and I asked him for counseling. Hmmm he went with her but refuses with me Link to post Share on other sites
Author Poco73 Posted September 10, 2011 Author Share Posted September 10, 2011 I'm not preoccupied with material things I work and buy what I want. It's the fact that he did things for her that he does not for me. Sometimes I think I should just buy the car I want and screw him. He does make good money as do I . We live a comfortable upper middle class life. When he called her stunning I was at the same party and heard him say it ( they were married still) if I didn't know all this stuff there would be no issue it's that I do and it is causing anger and resentment. It's not fair to him or I. I can't get past it. Link to post Share on other sites
country_gurl Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 I'm not preoccupied with material things I work and buy what I want. It's the fact that he did things for her that he does not for me. Sometimes I think I should just buy the car I want and screw him. He does make good money as do I . We live a comfortable upper middle class life. When he called her stunning I was at the same party and heard him say it ( they were married still) if I didn't know all this stuff there would be no issue it's that I do and it is causing anger and resentment. It's not fair to him or I. I can't get past it. Just curious --- were they divorced at the time you started your relationship with him or did he have an affair with you while still married to her? I don't really know what to tell you. He obviously IS the way he is and that way is upsetting to you so you'll have to make a choice as to whether you can remain married to him or not. But like I asked you; does he show you love in OTHER non-materialistic ways? Have you come right out and asked him why he treated her so much better than he treats you? .....why he bought her x, y and z but buys you nothing?....why he doted on her and had her up on a pedestal but he clearly (to you) doesn't do the same with you? You need to talk to him and tell him how you're feeling, what you've heard and observed and how it's hurtful to you..................and see what his response is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Poco73 Posted September 10, 2011 Author Share Posted September 10, 2011 Yes they were divorced. She was hard for him to get over. I think he never thought he was good enough for her so he tried harder. He knows I'm not high maintenance . I dont need the fancy hotel, she did. Maybe it was more of her thAn him. Hmmm maybe this is helping me to see it better. He had to meet her expectations to keep her. He obviously was attracted to me or we wouldn't have dated. Right? But he knows although I'm pretty I don't require Botox. I'll drink beer and not wine? I dont need a reservation to go to dinner. I'm simpler but I do want to be his Princess. I think what makes it harder is that I garner a lot of attention from men. Ftom sales guys to co workers... Friends ftiends . I have guys giving me compliments/ attention all day but not ftom the one that matters. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Well, you seem awfully invested in nurturing your bitterness about his ex wife. It's not going to bode well for you and your marriage until / unless you can get past that. Work on your marriage. The one that YOU have, not including the one that he used to have. Or else get a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
linwood Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 Yes they were divorced. She was hard for him to get over. I think he never thought he was good enough for her so he tried harder. He knows I'm not high maintenance . I dont need the fancy hotel, she did. Maybe it was more of her thAn him. Hmmm maybe this is helping me to see it better. He had to meet her expectations to keep her. He obviously was attracted to me or we wouldn't have dated. Right? But he knows although I'm pretty I don't require Botox. I'll drink beer and not wine? I dont need a reservation to go to dinner. I'm simpler but I do want to be his Princess. I think what makes it harder is that I garner a lot of attention from men. Ftom sales guys to co workers... Friends ftiends . I have guys giving me compliments/ attention all day but not ftom the one that matters. Actually Poco the fact that you aren`t high maintenance might be part of his attraction to you. The first time my wife and I ever went out on a lunch date we were driving down the road when I asked her where she wanted to eat. She directed me to this cheap little dingy diner (Great burgers) and I sat there thinking "There`s no way my Ex (or most women I had dated) would have ever stepped foot in this joint because it wash`t "fancy" or expensive. It was the beginning of the realization that she was in many ways different than all the other women I had been with in many ways. However you should let him know that he needs to show you he values you more emotionally and to be more attentive to you as a woman. Link to post Share on other sites
visualbasicide Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 He either didn't wait long enough to heal before getting involved with you or he has been hurt enough to never fully recover (i.e. avoidance of some part of the healing process) I would currently have a hard time treating a woman like I did my ex wife. Did much the same things he did but until I get through what she did to me anyone else I met would be second best because I couldn't give them my all without a lot of self improvement, emotionally and otherwise. Go to couples counseling and get him some IC or leave, it won't be fair to either of you, it sounds more like he's just using you as a salve to help heal his wounds and cope. It will not work this way 9 times out of 10. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 It's funny; I have been annoyed by your evident preoccupation with your husband's prior marriage and comparing it to yours - and it just occurred to me that I am in the same boat as you are. My husband (of 4 days!) had a very high maintenance first wife. She "needed" diamonds and a big house, etc. He struggled to provide all of that for her. I believe she was pretty unpleasant to live with when she wasn't getting a lot of "stuff." I get ZERO "stuff." Also, my husband doesn't make very much money now, like he used to. I don't care ONE BIT. And I think that's one of the (many) things he loves about me. Your husband might have believed he was marrying a woman with different values than his first wife had, but it seems that's not the case. Link to post Share on other sites
musemaj11 Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 Whats up with all these idiotic doormatish men who create more and more self-entitled princesses in this world? Link to post Share on other sites
bijounk Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 To the above comments about doormat men creating entitled princesses... I don't think that is what is happening here at all (although that is clearly what happened with his ex). You need to think before you type and be supportive and respectful of the person to whose post your are replying. Chances are they are going through a difficult time as it is without the added rudeness and inconsideration of strangers on the internet. It isn't the fact that he doesn't buy you things, it's the fact that he cared enough to buy her things, it's the fact that he was openly in love with his ex and it's a struggle to get even a simple compliment from him beyond, "you look fine." You don't just want him to start buying you things, you want him to appreciate you and show you love. As much as we want to deny it, we live in a society where gift-giving is an expression of appreciation and caring. Most people give gifts to someone when it's their birthday, right? It's not because you have to or because they've asked you to, it's because you're celebrating that person's existence and communicating to them that they are special and that you care enough to have put thought into giving something to them that will make them happy. The original poster even said she gets the same crappy, unthoughtful birthday present every year, one he purchases the day of. It sounds like not a whole lot of thought and care went into that, right? You would be happier if he made you a thoughtful card or gave you some I.O.U. cards for free back rubs or something, right? It's not the gift you want, it's the act of him giving SOMETHING to you, whether it's a car he picked out to surprise you or a genuine, heart-felt compliment. You just want something from him. It sounds like he has some serious issues and if he is unwilling to recognize that or at least accept the fact that you feel underappreciated, then you should move on because you're only acting as a crutch to him. Or maybe is is fully aware of his lack of feelings for you but you're worth keeping around because you validate him in some way (and cook and clean). Just be careful not to nag him about a new car or about how his ex-wife got things that you don't get because that isn't the real problem here. You need to tell him that you feel alone, unappreciated, and as if you mean nothing to him WITHOUT bringing up his ex. His ex isn't the problem, it's how he treats YOU. You're just hung up on the ex issue because it unavoidably makes you so aware of how well he's CAPABLE of treating you. "If he could love her so much, why can't he love me that way?" right? Just be honest with him, leave the ex out of it and if he still doesn't respond to that, then move on because you're worth more than that and can probably do better. I hope this was helpful. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Radagast Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 She may have had the cars and the compliments, but you have the man. Which would you rather have? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts