Separated guy...he wasn't supposed to be a MM!

[Love Me Tender]

I met my sweetheart almost a year ago. He was separated, I was cautious, but all his friends knew he was almost divorced and we were never ever hidden. In fact, STBXW has seen us together which was a little uncomfortable but she knew they were divircing and that he had moved on. There were a few meetings with the STBXW (I hope my acronyms are correct as I am trying to learn them!) and they were all about agreeing on final D papers. All he has to fo now is wait for the final draft from his STBXW's lawyer and then sign them.

 

But he shared with me that she broke down during her last meeting with him and begged and pleaded to save the marriage at all costs. After 5 years of separation I can't fathom why she would pull this now. What if he doesn't sign? Would i then be an OW?

 

I never had this concern until now. Thank you for any support on this matter.

[country_gurl]

I met my sweetheart almost a year ago. He was separated, I was cautious, but all his friends knew he was almost divorced and we were never ever hidden. In fact, STBXW has seen us together which was a little uncomfortable but she knew they were divircing and that he had moved on. There were a few meetings with the STBXW (I hope my acronyms are correct as I am trying to learn them!) and they were all about agreeing on final D papers. All he has to fo now is wait for the final draft from his STBXW's lawyer and then sign them.

 

But he shared with me that she broke down during her last meeting with him and begged and pleaded to save the marriage at all costs. After 5 years of separation I can't fathom why she would pull this now. What if he doesn't sign? Would i then be an OW?

 

I never had this concern until now. Thank you for any support on this matter.

 

This is EXACTLY the very reason that I will not invest my time or heart in someone who is separated.

 

So when he admitted to you her recent plea, did he tell you how he reacted to her emotional request? What kind of an impression did you get when he was telling you this; did he seem confused? upset? like he might be considering it?

[wannabdone]

This is EXACTLY the very reason that I will not invest my time or heart in someone who is separated.

 

So when he admitted to you her recent plea, did he tell you how he reacted to her emotional request? What kind of an impression did you get when he was telling you this; did he seem confused? upset? like he might be considering it?

 

 

OMG.... I am so sorry, that must be a very panic feeling. I agree with CG, seperated ppl are still connected. But, can't go back and change it now....what's done is done.

 

So, why is this seperation been 5 years??? That seems like an awfully long time period, even if there were multiple assets and divisions involved. And I was wondering what his comment to you was after he told you this. Have you seen a change in his behavior?

 

I would suggest absolutely NOT becoming the OW. I would tell him if he decides to go this way, you will walk. PERIOD. And please by all means, stick to you guns.

 

She probably pulled this now, because if this has gone on for 5 years, she probably thought it would really never happen. And there was always a chance for reconciliation. But now that he is with you, and the D is coming down to final draft, she woke up and realized it was real.

 

Are there children involved? How long have they been married?

[SoMovinOn]

Well, it seems everyone was genuine, honest and sincere up to this point. It seems he didn't anticipate her reaction, although, my guess is it's not uncommon. Things often change once something becomes very real at the final moment.

 

It's really all on him now. He needs to be honest with you about what he's thinking and feeling and planning on doing. If he is just going to go ahead with the D, her reaction doesn't matter much. If he is going to go ahead and give it another shot with her, the only way he can honestly do that is to step away from his relationship with you until that gets sorted out.

 

If he wants to give it another shot with her AND keep you around, you need to think long and hard about that.

[TurningTables]

I met my sweetheart almost a year ago. He was separated, I was cautious, but all his friends knew he was almost divorced and we were never ever hidden. In fact, STBXW has seen us together which was a little uncomfortable but she knew they were divircing and that he had moved on. There were a few meetings with the STBXW (I hope my acronyms are correct as I am trying to learn them!) and they were all about agreeing on final D papers. All he has to fo now is wait for the final draft from his STBXW's lawyer and then sign them.

 

But he shared with me that she broke down during her last meeting with him and begged and pleaded to save the marriage at all costs. After 5 years of separation I can't fathom why she would pull this now. What if he doesn't sign? Would i then be an OW?

 

I never had this concern until now. Thank you for any support on this matter.

 

 

Ive got two things for ya:

 

1. You are already the OW.

 

2. You need to clearly talk to your MM about he is going to do. Dont let him drag it out. Its decision time. It always comes down to this. If I were you, I would be thinking about what your long term goals are.

 

Sorry to be so bleak, but most MM dont leave in the end. I wish you luck.

[Love Me Tender]

This is EXACTLY the very reason that I will not invest my time or heart in someone who is separated.

 

So when he admitted to you her recent plea, did he tell you how he reacted to her emotional request? What kind of an impression did you get when he was telling you this; did he seem confused? upset? like he might be considering it?

I wouldn't have normally accepted the advances of a separated guy either accent in this case I'd seen him several times both at parties if the friend who introduced us and at our local haunt. He had a different girlfriend back them but it fizzled out.

 

His reaction was somber. I took that to mean that he seriously didn't want to hurt her. He said he let her cry on his shoulder. Gosh, gut wrenching for her and I guess for me to. Heck for all of this. I don't think he saw this coming.

 

I suppose it was always over for him until this moment. I hope he is just in shock and not considering going back after all this time.

[So Very Confused]

I can kind of understand where the stbXW is coming from. When I was married it was abusive and I couldn't wait to get away. He was a jerk. When I finally moved out there was so much relief and I felt free in ways I hadn't felt in forever. I knew we were getting a divorce for a long time before I ever moved out. He had been threatening me with divorce for years so it wasn't a surprise at all. I knew I was so much better off without him and you won't find a single person who knows us that doesn't completely agree. There's no way in the world our marriage would have ever worked out. Even the counselors were dubious that it would ever be salvagable. But, when the time came and he filed the papers, I was still shocked. When the day came for it to be final, I was devastated. It should have been a shock, it should have been a happy day, but it wasn't. I was still sad. At one time I loved him with all my heart and pinned all my hopes, body, soul, future, life on him. It was hard to seperate those feelings from the reality of what a selfish, abusive, drunken b*stards he was. I didn't want to stay married to him, but a part of me still wanted my happily ever after. I say this to maybe explain where the ex is coming from so maybe you won't feel threatened. It doesn't make sense, but it's the way it is.

 

It doesn't necessarily mean that she really doesn't want a divorce and it doesn't mean that it won't happen. I don't know what your sweetheart will do but if he really wants a divorce, there isn't much she can do to prevent it from happening.

 

Keep your chin up. It could still be okay.

[Love Me Tender]

I wouldn't have normally accepted the advances of a separated guy either accent in this case I'd seen him several times both at parties if the friend who introduced us and at our local haunt. He had a different girlfriend back them but it fizzled out.

 

Gosh, I meant except.

[Love Me Tender]

OMG.... I am so sorry, that must be a very panic feeling. I agree with CG, seperated ppl are still connected. But, can't go back and change it now....what's done is done.

 

So, why is this seperation been 5 years??? That seems like an awfully long time period, even if there were multiple assets and divisions involved. And I was wondering what his comment to you was after he told you this. Have you seen a change in his behavior?

 

I would suggest absolutely NOT becoming the OW. I would tell him if he decides to go this way, you will walk. PERIOD. And please by all means, stick to you guns.

 

She probably pulled this now, because if this has gone on for 5 years, she probably thought it would really never happen. And there was always a chance for reconciliation. But now that he is with you, and the D is coming down to final draft, she woke up and realized it was real.

 

Are there children involved? How long have they been married?

I think she thought he would never go through with it. It suddenly became real I guess. They were living in separate room for three years then he lived alone for two. The last year I slept at his place every night or he slept at mine. This thing has really set me off. He's been a little distant since their meeting.

 

They have two kids in college. They adore me and so do his parents and siblings. Gosh, I hope I'm making a mountain over a mole hill.

[wannabdone]

I wouldn't have normally accepted the advances of a separated guy either accent in this case I'd seen him several times both at parties if the friend who introduced us and at our local haunt. He had a different girlfriend back them but it fizzled out.

 

His reaction was somber. I took that to mean that he seriously didn't want to hurt her. He said he let her cry on his shoulder. Gosh, gut wrenching for her and I guess for me to. Heck for all of this. I don't think he saw this coming.

 

I suppose it was always over for him until this moment. I hope he is just in shock and not considering going back after all this time.

 

 

Im sure you are right. Men are different that women in the account that most of the time they are very black and white. When they are filing for divorce and its progressing that way, they think its just that....they are getting a D. Where as women see all the grey areas.....such as she probably still see's it as they are D yet, so it isn't over till the fat lady sings type of thing.

 

But, I don't know if you answered this and I didn't see it if you did....

 

Why has it take 5 years??? That really seems like a long time. And how long where they M? Do they have children?

[wannabdone]

The reason why I ask is bcuz all of those variables make HUGE differences as to what is really going on here or what is actually going to happen.

[Love Me Tender]

Well, it seems everyone was genuine, honest and sincere up to this point. It seems he didn't anticipate her reaction, although, my guess is it's not uncommon. Things often change once something becomes very real at the final moment.

 

It's really all on him now. He needs to be honest with you about what he's thinking and feeling and planning on doing. If he is just going to go ahead with the D, her reaction doesn't matter much. If he is going to go ahead and give it another shot with her, the only way he can honestly do that is to step away from his relationship with you until that gets sorted out.

 

If he wants to give it another shot with her AND keep you around, you need to think long and hard about that.

I can't even begin to imagine knowingly being the OW in your third option so no thinking there. We will either forge ahead or call it quits. But I think for the first time I can imagine how gut wrenching being the OP must be. I think I sort of relate.

[Love Me Tender]

Ive got two things for ya:

 

1. You are already the OW.

 

2. You need to clearly talk to your MM about he is going to do. Dont let him drag it out. Its decision time. It always comes down to this. If I were you, I would be thinking about what your long term goals are.

 

Sorry to be so bleak, but most MM dont leave in the end. I wish you luck.

 

Ugh, that was harsh. Am I really the OW if he never sees or talks to his estranged W? He's only ever texted her and rarely-at-that in the last year. They had 3meetings regarding division of assets and that's how many times he's seen her. I was with him the rest of the time. And he gave her what's left of the assets because he wanted to be done with it.

 

I will agree though that he is a MM, can't technically argue with that.

[Love Me Tender]

Im sure you are right. Men are different that women in the account that most of the time they are very black and white. When they are filing for divorce and its progressing that way, they think its just that....they are getting a D. Where as women see all the grey areas.....such as she probably still see's it as they are D yet, so it isn't over till the fat lady sings type of thing.

 

But, I don't know if you answered this and I didn't see it if you did....

 

Why has it take 5 years??? That really seems like a long time. And how long where they M? Do they have children?

Hey wannabedone, looks like we posted about the same time. They drifted apart years ago. 3 years in separate bedrooms and 2 years living apart. He had a couple of girlfriends before me but we've been solid for a year. The kids are in college and feel the M is over.

[country_gurl]

I think that your best bet, honestly, is to let things take the course they're meant to take...and in order to do that, I think it might be best for you to tell him that he needs to take the time to sort out his business fully and without you having to sit by and be hurt and feel scared in the process.

 

At the very end of the day, you only want him in your life IF he is truly 100% over his ex and is wanting to continuing proceeding with the divorce. You don't want to influence him in any way because then you'll always worry that he remained with you because of that.

 

Divorce is very hard for a lot of people and even if they think they want it or are ready for it, when it comes close to the final papers being signed, it can hit them like a ton of bricks that things are really over for good. Perhaps his ex wife always held out hope that things would work out. If they have kids together, there's quite a significant history together.

 

I would tell him that all of this has made you somewhat uncomfortable and you can't continue to invest time and love until you're 100% certain that he's 100% certain and at this point you get the impression that her reaction has maybe confused him a little in terms of what he wants....and that he needs to sort out his business and figure out what he wants.

 

Do you know why they've been separated for so long? 5 years seems to be a very long time. Who was it that initiated the actual divorce?

[cavedweller]

Love Me Tender,

 

I hate to break this to you and say this-but-they are not going to file for a divorce.

 

my 2 cents

[SunsetRed]

Love Me Tender, thats how it happened with me. My bf was separated for 3 years but when it was time to get serious about signing the divorce papers and she knew someone else would have him, she begged him back.

 

The thing is, he went back. I've heard is said on here that when people want to get divorced, they get divorced. His STBXW had completely ruined him body heart and soul and let him down when he needed her the most and yet he still went back and kicked me to the curb.

 

Thats the thing, our guys chose to go back. It doesnt matter how or why what matters is that they did.

 

Now we must stand strong on our own and not be pulled into their drama.

 

As for myself, I will never again date a separated man. If he's not getting divorced, its because he doesnt want to. Men who want to be married get/stay married and men who want to get divorced, get divorced. Staying separated and hanging in limbo means they want to stay married.

Thats what I'm telling myself anyway.

[TurningTables]

Ugh, that was harsh. Am I really the OW if he never sees or talks to his estranged W? He's only ever texted her and rarely-at-that in the last year. They had 3meetings regarding division of assets and that's how many times he's seen her. I was with him the rest of the time. And he gave her what's left of the assets because he wanted to be done with it.

 

I will agree though that he is a MM, can't technically argue with that.

 

 

Hi LMT. I truly didnt mean to sound so harsh. The truth of the matter is he is still married and you are the OW in this situtation. It would really bother me that they've been separated for 5 years and just now are getting around to the Big D. Something somewhere must have held them together not to follow thru. I wanted to caution you because now is the time for him to act. He is going to make a decision. You must prepare youself for the worst possiable outcome. He may go back. You only have what he has told you, and trust me, even when the OW get their man, there still has been some kind of lies involved somewhere.

 

My advice to you is the same: You need to talk to your MM and ask him what he is going to do. Trust you gut and start making plans for it to go either way. Again, I wish you the best of luck.

[Silly_Girl]

Ugh, that was harsh. Am I really the OW if he never sees or talks to his estranged W? He's only ever texted her and rarely-at-that in the last year. They had 3meetings regarding division of assets and that's how many times he's seen her. I was with him the rest of the time. And he gave her what's left of the assets because he wanted to be done with it.

 

In real life you wouldn't be called TOW or 'his mistress', you're the one in his life and she is not, so unless his marital status eats at you, don't sweat it.

[whichwayisup]

I met my sweetheart almost a year ago. He was separated, I was cautious, but all his friends knew he was almost divorced and we were never ever hidden. In fact, STBXW has seen us together which was a little uncomfortable but she knew they were divircing and that he had moved on. There were a few meetings with the STBXW (I hope my acronyms are correct as I am trying to learn them!) and they were all about agreeing on final D papers. All he has to fo now is wait for the final draft from his STBXW's lawyer and then sign them.

 

But he shared with me that she broke down during her last meeting with him and begged and pleaded to save the marriage at all costs. After 5 years of separation I can't fathom why she would pull this now. What if he doesn't sign? Would i then be an OW?

 

I never had this concern until now. Thank you for any support on this matter.

You won't be an OW if you don't have an affair!! if he chooses to go back to his wife and give his marriage one last go I would hope you'd not have an affair with him, rise above it and not be with someone who chooses to stay married.

 

Did he tell you how he reacted? Is he considering giving their marriage another chance?

[2sunny]

ask him point blank what his intent is!

 

you need to know! is he even THINKING of going back - PROBABLY since he's been distant.

 

and 5 years pass - and he's just now moving forward? sheez, IF he wanted to have it FINAL - he would have.

 

either way - you need to know - because even if he has THOUGHT of going back - you need to leave. you don't want to be second string!

 

and stop dating him until it's FINAL! yes, you CHOSE to date him while he's still married... this is OFTEN very hurtful - mainly because many men go back to the marriage. you can also choose to leave him now and make you the priority. he's somber because he's rethinking things = that sucks!

 

 

look out for you - no one else is going to do that for you.

[2sunny]

i don't date separated or married... IF they are - or even if i SUSPECT they may be taken - i tell them to call me when the D is FINAL!

 

i don't care how great they are - they are still committed to someone else - therefore NOT available to me!

[NoIDidn't]

In real life you wouldn't be called TOW or 'his mistress', you're the one in his life and she is not, so unless his marital status eats at you, don't sweat it.

 

I guess "real life" and legally aren't the same thing.

 

Legally, the STBX is still his W, until she isn't.

[NoIDidn't]

OP, I find it interesting that he's been distant since telling you of that meeting and her tears. Only he can say for sure what his thoughts are, but it seems like he is torn right now.

 

My aunt and uncle were separated for six years at one point in time. Both were seeing other people, and when she got serious with one guy and filed for divorce he moved from his girlfriend's house and back home. Its 41 years for them right now. They talk about it like it was a time of great regret, but that they had to go through it to get to where they are now.

 

Look out for yourself. Maybe this incident is trying to warn you of what may lie ahead. After five years, I would expect the person to be sure they were divorcing.

[Love Me Tender]

I can kind of understand where the stbXW is coming from. When I was married it was abusive and I couldn't wait to get away. He was a jerk. When I finally moved out there was so much relief and I felt free in ways I hadn't felt in forever. I knew we were getting a divorce for a long time before I ever moved out. He had been threatening me with divorce for years so it wasn't a surprise at all. I knew I was so much better off without him and you won't find a single person who knows us that doesn't completely agree. There's no way in the world our marriage would have ever worked out. Even the counselors were dubious that it would ever be salvagable. But, when the time came and he filed the papers, I was still shocked. When the day came for it to be final, I was devastated. It should have been a shock, it should have been a happy day, but it wasn't. I was still sad. At one time I loved him with all my heart and pinned all my hopes, body, soul, future, life on him. It was hard to seperate those feelings from the reality of what a selfish, abusive, drunken b*stards he was. I didn't want to stay married to him, but a part of me still wanted my happily ever after. I say this to maybe explain where the ex is coming from so maybe you won't feel threatened. It doesn't make sense, but it's the way it is.

 

It doesn't necessarily mean that she really doesn't want a divorce and it doesn't mean that it won't happen. I don't know what your sweetheart will do but if he really wants a divorce, there isn't much she can do to prevent it from happening.

 

Keep your chin up. It could still be okay.

Thank you for this so very confused.