Insecurity (my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend is emotionally dependent)

[bean09]

I know it sounds complicated, I'll explain. I've been seeing my boyfriend for almost two years now and it's all been wonderful. Except for this one recurrent insecurity. His ex-girlfriend is very unhealthy, most often depressed and emotionally unstable. He has always been very supportive of her. At the beginning of our relationship she was going through a particularly rough time, so he was calling her/emailing her/webcaming with her every day to make sure she was fine (she goes to grad school in a different country). He even arranged for counselling for her from abroad. I tried my best to be understanding of this, since I understand these issues, but I've not always managed and became jealous/suspicious. About 3 months in the relationship I saw some of her emails to him and broke down (burn to the retina best evokes the feeling). She was writing as if she thought he was still his boyfriend and that they would have another chance at their 'relationship' when he also went to grad school abroad (he was accepted in the same school as her), improving their sex life the second time around etc. I think I was instantly heart-broken. When he saw my reaction he broke down too, he acknowledged how a boundary had been crossed and how hurtful it was for me, but said that she does this in cycles, whenever she breaks up with something or is very depressed, so that it doesn't even register with him. We both cried the whole night, held each other, and realized we loved each other. I made it clear that he had to establish clear boundaries, tell her about our relationship etc. So he did. She was really upset about this and felt let down and only rarely spoke to him when he checked up on her (she had wanted to visit, even as 'just friends' but he said no). We moved on. Except that it turned out I didn't . 6 months later we both moved abroad for grad school (he in the same country/city/university/department as her!!! - he had gotten in first and deferred). I was insecure about this again. We agreed he'd tell me if anything of consequence happened. Apparently nothing did. We also could really talk about this in a healthy way up until last month (when he went back to the States) because I'd always get very upset, he would be angry because I couldn't let go and came across as accusatory (I was in fact just insecure). Last month was the first time we talked about it in a non-poisonous way. I just feel insecure because I fear that anytime she'll lapse she'll come back to him for help and he will feel obliged to to support her (which I know is the right thing to do, she's not well, her family messed her up in the first place, not many friends). I know I just need to trust him and that he'll maintain the boundaries and that I should not feel this way about her, she's not well, and I can say that I feel ok about this now but to an extent this insecurity is STILL nagging me, two years on. I just don't know ...

 

Any opinions? Ideas? Anything? Thanks!

[skelterhelter]

Hi, bean. I wonder...has your boyfriend ever crossed any boundaries that border on flirtation, sexual overtures, etc? Have you ever found any incriminating evidence such as sexy IMS, FB messages, texts? If so, I would be worried. I'd also be worried about how EMOTIONALLY invested he is in her. While he is certainly being very sweet by making sure she's okay mentally (hell, I'd check up on any friend I was especially concerned about), it's not his job to be protector. Once the emotional ties are forged again, who knows what doors could open up. Out of respect for your relationship and your feelings, he should tell her that while he is concerned about her and will be a listening ear here and there, that you're his main priority and he can't risk getting too involved with her. Plus, I hate to say it, but she may be using her emotional problems/neediness to draw him back in, to keep him in her life. It's sad to say, but there are people like that. She knows he will be there for her, so HE needs to be the one to set boundaries on their friendship. There is a way he can distance himself without being callous. Obviously if she's a very fragile person, some tact is key...but it can be done.

[bean09]

Thank you for the reply. I really don't think he ever said or implied that there's something more than friendship between them, but by not setting clear boundaries allowed her to be/feel that way. He does however say she needs positive reinforcement, because of her personality, and he tells her she's a good/wonderful/etc person. This bothers me to an extent, but I know it's petty of me. Ever since we had that conversation and he set clear boundaries and got her into therapy, they've only had sporadic and normal contact. He also says that since she's in therapy she doesn't need to talk to him anymore. And I think that now this is entirely my insecurity. But it's because, while I don't doubt she is unhealthy, like you hinted, I sometimes also suspected she did some of it just to get his attention (he did say she was always very needy and needed constant reassurance). I think he considers her a friend - he doesn't have many friends - and they've been through a lot together, and he is sad that she does not act 'normal' towards him, but just comes to him when she's really down. And this is what worries me and makes me feel insecure - that she's like a time bomb. However, since she's been in therapy and knows of me she's been normal/distant/out of touch. It's been about them before and how they acted but now it's about me. And although I feel like I'm pretty much over it, every now and then it comes back to hunt me ...

[Professor X]

No offense, but is your BF a certified therapist? If not, how can he think he knows what's best for her and how to help?

She's emotionally dependent on him, in other words, she's addicted to him, and like with any addiction, the only way to cure it is by taking away the source - in your way, your BF (the heroine).

What your BF does is string his ex' along and he just makes things worse for you, for him and for his ex'.

 

I'm afraid you're emotionally addicted to him to, because you allowed this parade to proceed for 2 years.

 

As for the ex', it's kinda obvious by now that she's trying to draw your BF back to her, and her way of doing it is by suffering and misery.

 

My opinion? Tell your BF to stop all contacts with his ex' beyond what he must (considering they're studying at the same uni now).

But my guess would be that he would tell you to buzz off and not to tell him what to do (how mature) or that he will just spend that extra time with her in uni - either answers will deem you to break up with him (unless you're to weak to do so).

 

Is this the life you want for yourself? I think not.

[bean09]

Thank you for your opinion. I think you misunderstood the situation a little though. It all stopped when I told him to set clear boundaries (one and a half years ago). He did. She accepted it. We all moved on. Except that I sometime still have this insecurity about this - that's the problem.

 

He does not claim to know what's best for her and that's why he arranged for her to go into therapy. He was just trying to be a good friend when she had no one to go to and allowed for boundaries to be blurred. And I agree that she's been emotionally dependent on him and I sometimes thought he might be codependent, but I know him well now and I am sure now that's not the case.

 

I can assure you that I would not accept any blurring of the boundaries like that ever again - as I did not when it happened and made it clear it had to stop immediately. I am not at all weak or dependent, I can assure you but I do my best to be understanding and supportive of people's mental/emotional issues having had family/friends that have gone through that myself.

 

The problem now, two years on, is that I still sometimes, when I feel down/badly/emotional have this recurring insecurity. And I hate it. And I don't know how to fully get over it, so that I don't thin of it ever again.