Wife starting to get abusive and in front of neighbors too.

[DarkPrince]

My wife has been very verbally abusive to me lately. Worse is that she has now been doing it in front of the neighbors. It is humiliating. I feel like a complete loser when she does it. I want to knock her the **** out. Thats how much she degrades me. She doesnt know when to stop. She goes too far, and says very personal insults to me very loud so that everyone can hear her. Then she calls me a pussy for letting her do it.

I dont know what to do.This is new, and I do not like it at all. She kicks me, and punches me. She breaks things. I do not want to call the police, because i am the male and I will get arrested because I am bigger.

I am baffled. I asked her what the source of new new anger is from, and she always says something different each time. She is lying, and I dont know whats really wrong.

[Osiris1234]

Next time she hits you, backhand her as hard as possible, that'll put her in her place. Time to grow a pair and be a man.

 

 

But no, in all seriousness you need to leave her quickly before you really get hurt. Also if she insults you just shrug it off like its no big deal, ive had people try and try to insult me over and over but I just shrug it off like its no big deal, i look like the better person in the situation anyway.

[DarkPrince]

Next time she hits you, backhand her as hard as possible, that'll put her in her place. Time to grow a pair and be a man.

 

 

But no, in all seriousness you need to leave her quickly before you really get hurt. Also if she insults you just shrug it off like its no big deal, ive had people try and try to insult me over and over but I just shrug it off like its no big deal, i look like the better person in the situation anyway.

 

yeah I usually do, but when she does it in front of the neighbors, I feel like a pussy for letting it happen, but what can I really do about it? I cant hit her, even if she hits me. I wish I could, but I cant. If I call her names back I only look like a moron. People probably realize she's nuts, but I feel so disrespected. I like to turn the other cheek, but if I keep doing it, she might keep getting worse and more bold. I feel like its a lose/lose for me.

[DarkPrince]

It is a lose/lose for you if you let it continue. In front of people call her on her poor behavior and walk away until she gets help. Pack a bag and go.

 

and you know the thing is, she just told me that i did nothing wrong today. She just needed something to come at me about, so she goes back months and years to find stuff. She's always throwing things in my face that happened years back. This is new, and I dont get it.

Then when she feels like it, everything becomes great and rosey again. Its like everything she said didnt even happen. If I had said even one of those hurtful remarks to her, I would hear about it for weeks on end.

She says very hurtful, nasty things to me. She calls me a peice of ****. She calls me a loser. She calls me basically every degrading name you can think of. None of them are remotely true. She even admits it later on that she just says those things to upset me. But why?? She has no answer that makes sense.

I can do something to mildy irritate her, and she thinks its ok to torment me or an entire day because of it. She thinks that makes it even. Its total overkill. Its like getting 25 years in prison for a speeding ticket (metaphorically)

[Goodsister777]

She just needed something to come at me about, so she goes back months and years to find stuff. She's always throwing things in my face that happened years back. This is new, and I dont get it.

 

I could be completely off base, but it sounds like there are unresolved issues from your past that are making some sort of ugly big picture of you to her. I am not implying she is right, just that she sees you as her enemy for some reason(s). Do you talk out your issues until they are resolved? Or hope that they will just go away in time? If it is the later, watch out. Time doesn't make unresolved hurts go away, it makes them deeper. After hurt comes anger. I am afraid that is what might be happening since she is bringing up the past and the abuse is "new".

 

At this point, you have to decide whether you want to go back and clean up some old messes or just move on. Whatever you decide it is not going to get any better unless something is done, and it is going to be painful either way. Think of it this way: if your pipes burst, they wouldn't get better with time, you would have to call a plumber or get dirty yourself and it would cost you either way. The pipes won't fix themselves and neither will her burst feelings, or yours.

 

I only see two options for you: commit to dealing with both of your old and new issues or file for divorce. If you don't she eventually will, and in the mean time your going to be taking a lot of verbal, emotional, and physical abuse, and still loose your wife. If you decide to try to work things out, then IMHO you should separate until things are resolved for your own safety. She will probably get more aggressive with you before she gets better, because she is fighting for something she feels is missing in your relationship. Ironically, opening the door of communication can lead to what someone really feels coming out like a tidal wave. Perhaps that is what caused where you are now? Just putting it out there that you may have apologized for something(s) and she went crazy? Even if there is something horrible in the past that she has every right to be angry with you about, you can't allow this abuse to continue. For your own safety, whatever you decide, please leave the situation, either for now, or forever.

 

I wish you luck, whatever you decide.

[Woggle]

Do you have any kids with her? If not then just get the hell out of there. You don't deserve this abuse and have no obligation to live with it.

[denise_xo]

Time to step up. Tell her you will no longer tolerate her treatment. She needs to get help to deal with it or you will walk. I am telling you this from experience. Do it. Don't take her crap a second longer.

 

Agree with this. If this isn't addressed right away, your relationship is in any way doomed because you'll both lose respect for each other. Her behaviour is completely unacceptable.

[Lucky_One]

If this is new behavior for her, then this could be something physiological. It could be hormonal, it could be psychological. ASAP, you need to make her an appointment with her OB/GYN, and you need to attend the appointment with her. At the appointment, they should let you be in the exam room if your wife agrees, and you need to tell the appointment desk that you want to schedule a long consult where you can sit in his/her office and talk about what is going on and any other symptoms that are not typical in your wife's life.

 

Amazing how quickly people are to advise leaving a marriage, before looking into the simplest of problems/solutions as a first-line approach. Marriage is supposed to be "in sickness and in health", and you need to find out if she is ill - physically or mentally - before you leave.

[Woggle]

If this is new behavior for her, then this could be something physiological. It could be hormonal, it could be psychological. ASAP, you need to make her an appointment with her OB/GYN, and you need to attend the appointment with her. At the appointment, they should let you be in the exam room if your wife agrees, and you need to tell the appointment desk that you want to schedule a long consult where you can sit in his/her office and talk about what is going on and any other symptoms that are not typical in your wife's life.

 

Amazing how quickly people are to advise leaving a marriage, before looking into the simplest of problems/solutions as a first-line approach. Marriage is supposed to be "in sickness and in health", and you need to find out if she is ill - physically or mentally - before you leave.

 

This is clearly abuse and if the genders were reversed you would clearly tell a woman to get the hell out. Nobody should put up with being treated like this.

[carhill]

Perhaps it's time to get another woman

[PratyekaYana]

My wife has been very verbally abusive to me lately. Worse is that she has now been doing it in front of the neighbors. It is humiliating. I feel like a complete loser when she does it. I want to knock her the **** out. Thats how much she degrades me. She doesnt know when to stop. She goes too far, and says very personal insults to me very loud so that everyone can hear her. Then she calls me a pussy for letting her do it.

I dont know what to do.This is new, and I do not like it at all. She kicks me, and punches me. She breaks things. I do not want to call the police, because i am the male and I will get arrested because I am bigger.

I am baffled. I asked her what the source of new new anger is from, and she always says something different each time. She is lying, and I dont know whats really wrong.

 

At some point, you will need to decide when you are willing to live according to healthy interpersonal and relationship boundaries--boundaries that should be a reflection of your self-respect. Your wife may or may not be suffering from some kind of mental disease or disorder, and as her husband you should do what is in your power to assist her through these issues if they present themselves. I want to be perfectly clear in stating, though, that you should not sacrifice your own psychological health in trying to dispense aid to her. Do not for a second believe that helping her entails your becoming a punching bag for her verbal tirades and physical assaults. What she is doing is unacceptable.

[Lucky_One]

This is clearly abuse and if the genders were reversed you would clearly tell a woman to get the hell out. Nobody should put up with being treated like this.

 

Abuse typically starts long before this stage of a relationship. This is sudden onset, and does not follow the typical abuse cycle. Using generalizations, she would have started with jealousy and becoming controlling, threatening, and possessive, and then moved into stronger threats, threatening behaviors and finally physical violence.

 

OP, you have said before that you both have abused alcohol and drugs. Some drugs can also cause strong, sudden mood changes. Is she doing any sort of amphetamine use for her weight loss/cutting program, and could she be abusing them?

[Stung]

This is clearly abuse and if the genders were reversed you would clearly tell a woman to get the hell out. Nobody should put up with being treated like this.

 

 

I agree with Lucky One that the wife should be evaluated for a mental or physiological problem. The OP has repeatedly stated that this abuse is very new behavior, and he makes it sound as though there has been substantial personality alteration. Anytime there is a sudden personality change in an individual, the responsible thing to do is to have them evaluated by medical professionals. Some causes for suddenly altered personality can include bad reactions to medication, drug addiction, sudden-onset mental illness, early-onset Alzheimers, unhealed head injuries, brain tumors, and minor strokes/bleeding in the brain. I do not believe that anybody should put up with abuse, but I also don't believe that a spouse should neglect a partner who might be in dire straits, medically. If the partner suffering the mood swings were also being physically violent, then I would advise getting out immediately, while still taking any measures available to have the suddenly altered, violent spouse medically evaluated. I believe this is the responsible course of action no matter what gender is assigned to which spouse.

[Spark1111]

Since you two seem very into weight loss and excercise, could she be abusing steroids?

 

Sudden onset of rage and abuse can be caused by steroid abuse.

 

She needs to be evaluated. You need to get out while she manages her rage in a healthy way!

[DarkPrince]

She's been acting better last 2 days. She does take alot of supplements that can cause increased aggression. Maybe that has something to do with it. That would make me feel alot better if thats all it was. I can deal with that.

She is trying to compete in an amatuer bodybuilding show next year, and she's stressing about getting her bf low enough and putting on enough muscle. I am her trainer as well, but it can be frustrating to train her optimally when we are arguing.

I guess we are both type A personalities, and I need to learn to just back off when I see her reaching her boiling point, even if she is wrong. I just need to let it go. Pacify her. It seems to work somewhat.

 

edit: also afetr thinking about your post Spark, she has been increasingly hostile to other people as well. She has little patience for anything. Even in checkout lines she makes everyone uncomfortable and nervous. I guess because she's been small all her life 5'0, she has never really learned how to quell her anger. When you are a big person you learn fast that you have cant just snap at anything you want (or youll end up in handcuffs)

Edited September 13, 2011 by DarkPrince

[StoneCold]

She's been acting better last 2 days. She does take alot of supplements that can cause increased aggression. Maybe that has something to do with it. That would make me feel alot better if thats all it was. I can deal with that.

She is trying to compete in an amatuer bodybuilding show next year, and she's stressing about getting her bf low enough and putting on enough muscle. I am her trainer as well, but it can be frustrating to train her optimally when we are arguing.

I guess we are both type A personalities, and I need to learn to just back off when I see her reaching her boiling point, even if she is wrong. I just need to let it go. Pacify her. It seems to work somewhat.

 

edit: also afetr thinking about your post Spark, she has been increasingly hostile to other people as well. She has little patience for anything. Even in checkout lines she makes everyone uncomfortable and nervous. I guess because she's been small all her life 5'0, she has never really learned how to quell her anger. When you are a big person you learn fast that you have cant just snap at anything you want (or youll end up in handcuffs)

 

is she on 'roids? ...sounds like 'roid rage

[Radagast]

Sounds like my ex.

 

I tried the supportive route. Eventually I had to admit she was too broken for me to fix. I left, and everyday feels like heaven now.

[Trimmer]

Abuse typically starts long before this stage of a relationship. This is sudden onset, and does not follow the typical abuse cycle. Using generalizations, she would have started with jealousy and becoming controlling, threatening, and possessive, and then moved into stronger threats, threatening behaviors and finally physical violence.

I agree with you that the sudden onset nature of this is concerning from a different (and possibly medical) angle, but just to be clear, are you saying that breaking things around the house, and kicking and punching your partner is not abuse, since it doesn't fall within the "typical" profile?

 

I don't want to get into a language argument about how to define the word; I'm more immediately concerned with addressing her specific behavior, because she is doing physical violence to her partner. First order of business is to protect himself from harm, by removing himself from the home if necessary.

 

I agree with Lucky One that the wife should be evaluated for a mental or physiological problem. The OP has repeatedly stated that this abuse is very new behavior, and he makes it sound as though there has been substantial personality alteration. Anytime there is a sudden personality change in an individual, the responsible thing to do is to have them evaluated by medical professionals. Some causes for suddenly altered personality can include bad reactions to medication, drug addiction, sudden-onset mental illness, early-onset Alzheimers, unhealed head injuries, brain tumors, and minor strokes/bleeding in the brain.

I agree.

 

I do not believe that anybody should put up with abuse, but I also don't believe that a spouse should neglect a partner who might be in dire straits, medically. If the partner suffering the mood swings were also being physically violent . . .

...he described breaking things around the house, and kicking and punching him; irrespective of hte genders involved, I consider that to be violence...

. . . then I would advise getting out immediately, while still taking any measures available to have the suddenly altered, violent spouse medically evaluated. I believe this is the responsible course of action no matter what gender is assigned to which spouse.

Me too.

 

Part of the trick is in getting someone who is altered - but still basically functional - to seek help. It's all well and good to say "you need to go into the doctor, and I'm going to be there and ask questions, etc..." but in their current dynamic as the OP describes it, really, how do you think that's going to play out? I still agree that if you are a committed partner, you should do whatever is needed to get the person help (while maintaining your own physical and psychic safety), but it may not be easy.

[Lucky_One]

Maybe, just from a trainer standpoint, it is time to re-evaluate what your client is taking and adjust it. A good trainer wouldn't let a client continue a regimen that is dangerous or unhealthy for the body.

 

Isn't a body-building competition a lower priority than the safety of you and your children?

[Richard Friedman]

Are you insane? Why are you still in this marriage. If you don't respect yourself then who will? The wife is totally right in that regard. Get out, and get counseling to find out why you tolerate this nonsense.

 

P.S. I find it rich that certain females are taking the "compassionate approach." Telling him to look into medication, counseling whatever for her.. We know if genders were reversed they'd be screaming bloody murder.

[Lucky_One]

Yes, I probably would tell a woman something different. I would tell a woman whose husband is taking "supplements" and is a body-builder and who has a much larger body mass and a higher strength level and who has suddenly exhibited abusive tendencies that he has never had prior in their many year relationship to possibly leave until he had a physical work-up, but I would not certainly not advise either gender to summarily leave/file for divorce/call the cops when there seems a very high probability that this is drug related.

 

They don't call it 'roid rage for nothing.

[country_gurl]

darkprince wrote:

 

She does take alot of supplements that can cause increased aggression.

 

Um, the only "supplements" that a body builder would take that would cause aggression would be steroids. And you admit that you're her trainer so obviously you know what she's taking and IF she's taking steroids then of course you should know where her sudden aggression is coming from.......so then what is the point of posting here and leaving out such a relevant detail?

 

And if she is taking 'roids and is as rageful and volatile as you describe, do you really think your autistic child is in a SAFE environment?

 

Jesus.

[DarkPrince]

Its deeper than just what she is taking. She's been heavily into bb'ing for almost 2 years now, and I know how everything effects her. There is something more to this. Ive been with her 13 years. I know her very well.

She's been much better the last few days. I've learned how to avoid getting her angry. Once I see the signs coming, I throw her a quick joke to make her laugh, or change the subject really quick to throw her off. I feel like Im taming a wild lioness.

She's no danger to anyone. If it werent for her army of badges and guns at her disposal, I would have put an end to her little punching fits long ago.

I think its still self esteem issues. She's got a great body now, and everyone respects her now, but she is still not there mentally and sometimes gets very jealous of other women. She forgets that she isnt her old self. I have to keep reminding her that so she keeps it in perspective.

She's going through that weird transition stage that I went through, when you're better than your old (no good druggie) friends, but arent yet at the level of the people you want to make friends with.

Our Spin class instructor personally invited us to come train with her for the next 12 weeks for a triathalon. She is a semi pro bb'er, and its an honor that she picked us. My wife has been feeling much better since then. I think she just needs constant re-assurance until she gets to where she needs to be confidence wise. I keep reminding her that not many people her age have made the progress she has. Not many go to the gym 6 days a week, and train at the beach and pool 5 days, never miss a day and keep up a meticulous diet. WSo I tell her she should be proud of that and look at all the people that look up to her (figuratively) now, and the ones she inspires (which are quite a few) Hopefully her mind catches up to her body one day.

[Trimmer]

It sounds like you're now making a lot of excuses to avoid addressing the root causes of her verbal and physical aggression and abuse. I think you're doing yourself a disservice by making it your problem to keep her from becoming aggressive and violent, and doing her a disservice by avoiding helping her to figure out what might be causing this alteration in her personality.

 

You didn't address the issue of steriods that several folks have assumed, other than to claim very obliquely that "it's deeper than just what she's taking." I'm going to assume there's also a good possibility that there's ephedrine involved, or whatever other stimulants you crazy kids are stacking these days - along with their side effects, of course.

 

And so she's been breaking things around the house, being verbally abusive and humiliating to you, as well as punching and kicking you. She needs constant reassurance and careful management from you to keep her personality level, and you feel like you're taming a wild lioness. And she has guns available. But you're sure she's not a danger to anyone.

 

Man, I hope you don't end up like Phil Hartman.

[country_gurl]

Its deeper than just what she is taking. She's been heavily into bb'ing for almost 2 years now, and I know how everything effects her. There is something more to this. Ive been with her 13 years. I know her very well.

She's been much better the last few days. I've learned how to avoid getting her angry. Once I see the signs coming, I throw her a quick joke to make her laugh, or change the subject really quick to throw her off. I feel like Im taming a wild lioness.

She's no danger to anyone. If it werent for her army of badges and guns at her disposal, I would have put an end to her little punching fits long ago.

I think its still self esteem issues. She's got a great body now, and everyone respects her now, but she is still not there mentally and sometimes gets very jealous of other women. She forgets that she isnt her old self. I have to keep reminding her that so she keeps it in perspective.

She's going through that weird transition stage that I went through, when you're better than your old (no good druggie) friends, but arent yet at the level of the people you want to make friends with.

Our Spin class instructor personally invited us to come train with her for the next 12 weeks for a triathalon. She is a semi pro bb'er, and its an honor that she picked us. My wife has been feeling much better since then. I think she just needs constant re-assurance until she gets to where she needs to be confidence wise. I keep reminding her that not many people her age have made the progress she has. Not many go to the gym 6 days a week, and train at the beach and pool 5 days, never miss a day and keep up a meticulous diet. WSo I tell her she should be proud of that and look at all the people that look up to her (figuratively) now, and the ones she inspires (which are quite a few) Hopefully her mind catches up to her body one day.

 

Notice you didn't answer the question about whether she, the person you're "training", is taking steroids.

 

So again, if she's so abusive and you're so scared, where does your poor little handicapped son fit into all of this dysfunction? You're not concerned that she's going to rage out and hurt him? I read nothing but stuff about body-building but not talk about your child and what kind of environment he's living in. As an adult you get to choose where you reside, he doesn't. According to you Mommy is a time-bomb. Why are you allowing your son to be around someone so volatile and rageful?