humomm Posted May 9, 2004 Share Posted May 9, 2004 Has anyone had this situation?? Iam married to a man who works a lot ..gone nights and weekends ..some days too...sex is not very satisfying...otherwise he treats me well..not much passion after only 6 years of marriage. he is a good friend ..I started an affair 3 years ago, got pregnant and ended the affair out of guilt and fear... (also anger..I warned my boyfriend to be more careful with the condoms... .I was trying to get pregnant .I was then 40 years old so I was in a hurry to have a baby.No I am not sure who the father of my child is but of course my husband thinks he is his...and he is...and my son now two years old ..is the light of our lives. When my son was a year old I called my boyfriend again .I was lonely..and I wanted to do a paternity test to find out about my son ... I was at first afraid he might want to take the child or have rights to him ....anyway we ended up staying together for a year .. not not a casual sex thing.(good sex) like before ,but we ended up falling in love and I was living a double life ..when my husband would go to work I would go to his house. I had a seperate life in his house my son ..now 2 had his own bed , toys etc we did a swab mail in test which I do not have any faith in. we want to do a blood test but it is very expersive.for a year it was like i had.. two houses. two husbands.two livesI have felt guilty at times at other times justified but unable to control the obsession. he is married too. his wife and two kids are in mexico.and he has returned there, he had always warned me . he was supossed to return in dec. but just left in may so we could spend more time together but he hasent seen his kids for two years.sometimes we talk of getting together leaving our current husbands/wife..we love each other.now he is in mexico for a year he says he will call and try to return soon. he has no visa. he enters iilegal to work here.I miss him and I am sad .I want to go vist him in mexico..sad guilty confused . it is hard to see us with a future together..but there is a lot of passion . we cried in each others arms when he left... I cry and I miss him but maybe i am better off forgeting him. he seems like a womanizer. Link to post Share on other sites
sportsloving Posted May 9, 2004 Share Posted May 9, 2004 Wow, interesting situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted May 9, 2004 Share Posted May 9, 2004 Hello, I just have a few comments. My great sympathy to your husband. You have totally disrespected and humiliated him and his marriage to you. You are unbelievable. How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you have been doing to him? You then trick him into thinking his child is his and you do not know for sure? You have a second household where you have sex with this guy and then you go home and see your husband who supports you? You are a real piece of work. You clearly do not care what a horrible thing you are doing to your husband and to the wife of your OM. If you had any integrity left you would be honest and truthful to your husband so he could make choices about what he wishes to do in his life. You are totally using your husband while you have set up a separate life when your husband goes to work. You must have total distain and hatred for your husband. What you have done to him is the worst thing imaginable. You must feel very special on your anniversaries. What a pathetic trick you have played on a husband who loved you enough to marry you and this is the way you pay him back? I think you need to look up the words honesty, respect and committment. These are concepts that you feel your husband is not worthy of having. How you can do this to a spouse is beyond me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author humomm Posted May 9, 2004 Author Share Posted May 9, 2004 I have spoken to my husband for years concerning how I feel .I feel very lonley and neglected in our marriage . he is never home and when he is not working he often perfers the tv or his friends. i did not do this to trick anyone it just happens I guess I am immature and selfish because I know many people who live in cold sexually and emotionally dis-satifying relationships and do not do anything about it . I do not want to divorce him yet .iknow I should try to improve things with him but I have tried ..I even warned him I would look elsewhere for what I wasn't getting in the marriage..My son is a joy to his life and has only been a postive thing in his life ..I only want to protect them that is the real reason why I have not done the blood test because I do not want the other man to know ..though he promises he wouldnt make problems ..i cant trust 100% people do chand their minds dont they?? I think infedelity becomes an addiction that hurts both parties..but I do not think people do it to be mean ..they are human and weak..If my husband did this to me ..I would br very upset ..but more worried about losng him . I could forgive if he worked to heal our relationship..My husband used to go out and get drunk after work ..sometimes I would sleep at my boyfriends for a day or two and he acts like he dosent notice ..he often acts like it dosent matter if I am there or not ..sometimes he tells me nicely to leave so he can sleep or watch a game..as for anniversarys..last year I wanted to spend time with him but we got in a fight because he wanted to watch a soccer game..and he wanted me and the baby out of the way..Needless to say ..I got out the way ..I went to my boyfriends house where I feel noticed. like I said I have complained about this for years only recently have I begun to stray Link to post Share on other sites
LILUIL Posted May 9, 2004 Share Posted May 9, 2004 does he know about your OM or at least suspect.... from the way the story is going, im thinking back to a "similarly intense " i had with an ex years ago when I knew he was double timing me but waited for him to own up on his own. just a thought. hmm..... i think he knows Link to post Share on other sites
devastated Posted May 9, 2004 Share Posted May 9, 2004 You need to be honest with your husband about your child and second life. What you are doing to him is not fair no matter what your circumstance is. It sounds to me that you and your husband have not been close for awhile, and you need to give him the chance to decide whether or not he wants to keep you as his wife. Unfortunately you gave up that right when you decided to have an affair. That being said...If you are unhappy in your marriage going out and having an affair will not make it any easier. Think about your child, being exposed to all the lies and deceit is horrific. Do you really want your child to see you as the woman that you are (an adulterer)? Like I said, you need to come clean about the affair and paternity of your child. Don't continue to destroy not only your family but also the family of this married man. Link to post Share on other sites
sportsloving Posted May 9, 2004 Share Posted May 9, 2004 like I said I have complained about this for years only recently have I begun to stray You have been married for six years, in the affair for three. You call this recently? we did a swab mail in test which I do not have any faith in. What was the result? I only want to protect them that is the real reason why I have not done the blood test because I do not want the other man to know ..though he promises he wouldnt make problems ..i cant trust 100% people do chand their minds dont they?? If you actually get the full blood test done, you won't get much choice in what he can or can not do... paternity of the child will be established. If the child is not your husband's, then the boyfriend will have every right to do what he can through the courts. Also you can't trust people, people can't trust you ... can they? What are you going to do when your son (who has two of everything) starts really talking? What will you do when he starts saying that he wants to be at the boyfriend's house? Or he forgot a favorite toy? What are you going to do when your husband (whom I am guessing knows a lot more than you give a person credit for) decides that he is tired of the games, lies and betrayal? My husband used to go out and get drunk after work ..sometimes I would sleep at my boyfriends for a day or two and he acts like he dosent notice I doubt this is the actual case. If you really want your husband to help you work on the marriage, it is going to have to start with trust, honesty, and love. You haven't shown any of these towards your husband... you stay with him because your boyfriend is also married and not able to fully commit to you. IMO, you need to tell the husband (before your child does). You need to tell him that the child may/may not be his. You need to end the affair. You are both going to need counseling. And more than likely, you are just going to need to get over thinking the world revolves around you... It doesn't. now he is in mexico for a year he says he will call and try to return soon. he has no visa. he enters iilegal to work here Is that meaning he is hispanic? Are you? Is your child? Wouldn't that be a telling sign if your husband is caucasian and you are but the child isn't? Anyways. You are responsible for you and your actions. You need to do what is right for the child. NOT what you want, not what is best for you... but for the innocent life you brought into this disaster. Such a lovely thing to be reading on Mother's Day. Link to post Share on other sites
supermom Posted May 11, 2004 Share Posted May 11, 2004 What are you going to do if the child is not your husbands? i'm sure he loves that child with all of his heart and of course, it will break his heart too. You are not working on your marriage, because first you have to come clean, dump the OM, and hope your husband still stays with you, go to counseling regardless, then you can say your trying to work on your marriage. Why did you try to get preg w/ your OM? That was not a good choice. Your situation will continue to get more complicated as the days go by. You must come clean and give your husband a chance to make his decisions. Cheaters never prosper! Link to post Share on other sites
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