CHEATER!

[Bestkindakid]

OK, well I just found out that my ex (while we were together) had cheated on me twice. Despite feeling just shattered and lost, I can't help but still love him and I still want him. We haven't been 'together' for about 4 months, although we have been making progress in getting back together. He told me that he wanted to marry me, but said that he had to tell me something before we went any further. He then dropped that bombshell. I really freaked out on him, have been crying now for 4 days about it, can't get it out of my head.

 

He now wants to come to my place tonight to talk about it. I am afraid that I will give in and take him back if I see him, but yet I have all these unanswered questions to talk to him about. Should I let him come over? Should we try to do it over the phone? Should I just tell him to leave me alone for good and just live with the pain for a few months until (hopefully) it fades? I don't know what to do!

 

I need advice quickly!!!

 

Thanks guys!

[Tony T]

Have him over. Get some closure that you need.

 

It sounds like you have totally written this guy off...but I will tell you, at least he came clean. I wouldn't have done it...I would have kept my mouth shut. There are a lot of people here at the forum who think people ought to spill their guts about cheating but I'm not one of them. I'll tell you why.

 

There are many temptations and a guy can have sex with a girl who means absolutely nothing to him. It's quick and meaningless. My own personal guess is that better than 50 percent of the women who have gotten married in America in the last ten years are married to men who cheated on them before marriage and they don't even know it...and I'm not about to tell. Keeping the lips zipped spares pain and saves relationships that can be great well into the future.

 

If you can find it in your heart, I would forgive him and try to re-establish the relationship. I know you are devastated but talking it out should help you. Hey, he's an imperfect human being, just like all of us. They make mistakes. I'm sure he truly regrets this.

 

So, if you think you would like to try to get back together and forgive him, do so...and NEVER, EVER EVER until the end of the world bring this up again.

 

Now, if you don't want to have him back, let him come over and just get all your questions answered to your satisfaction. It seems he is being forthright and honest. Tell him everything you want to tell him and let him know you never want to see him again. No kissy, no huggy. Just a wave goodbye. If you are going to split, having him as a friend or an acquaintance will not be good for your mental health if you want to heal and go forward to other relationships.

 

Don't do this over the phone, do it in person. If you don't want to get back with him, just be strong...get what you need out of the encounter and dismiss him. Plain and simple.

[Bestkindakid]

Thanks alot for that. I believe that I will have him over. I just hope that I can overcome the desire to hold him and have him hold me while we cry.....

 

He does feel extremely badly about this and says that he will tell me anything I want to know. I really want to know what these girls looked like and how old they were etc. etc. etc. the wrong things to want to know, i realize that!

[Tony T]

Hey, this guy fees really bad and he has fessed up to this cheating. But there's probably a limit to the details he is willing to give you. You know, this is pretty embarassing stuff for him. If you are wanting polaroids of the act in progress...descriptions...all that stuff, you better go slow and gradual and use a lot of psychology and finese.

 

Knowing all the details is not going to do you one bit of good. I mean none. If anything, you will hurt more...whether they were ugly as hell or drop dead gorgeous. So why put yourself through that?

 

Do what you want, get what you need, and send him on his way. No kissy, no huggy, bye bye!!!

[Bestkindakid]

I will certainly try.....

 

....and thanks for your thoughts!

[Maria]

Just want to know how this all went !

 

What was the outcome bestkindakid??

[Rivka]

If this were me I would want to meet these women with my boyfriend there to go through everthing that happened. I don't believe that knowing details necessarily makes you feel worse or have less self-esteem. It really depends on what kind of a person you are and how you handle details. I don't think my opinion here will be very popular, but that is just my two dollars worth.

[Tony T]

Just the thought of a guy taking his girl to introduce her to all the women he's cheated with...I mean the picture in my mind of that happening...this is just to wild and rich for my blood.

 

Why not just throw a nice party and invite them all as guests of honor?

[Heather]

I definitely agree with Tony on this one! I have been there and even though this part of you wants to know the details, such as was she better, prettier,etc. I does make you hurt more and that does not help the healing process. In my case I caught my boyfriend with another woman in her bed (that is a very long drawn out story that I do not care to go into) The fact is I knew this woman and it really hurt! We ended up breaking up and he moved in with her for 3 weeks. Now one point that I don't agree with that if you think that he is truely sorry and that he will not do it again than give it a try. I did we got back together and things have been going good (aside from not having alot of time for personal stuff) I think that the whole incident has brought us closer. We have definitely realized just how much we mean to each other! So it doesn't always work out in the negative.

 

good luck

Just the thought of a guy taking his girl to introduce her to all the women he's cheated with...I mean the picture in my mind of that happening...this is just to wild and rich for my blood. Why not just throw a nice party and invite them all as guests of honor?

[Deejette]

Some women want to know about the other woman like the way we prod a sore tooth with our tongue: We are compelled but it hurts. They think that they will find out what the other woman had so they can be that way. But what Tony says is true, it may be a spur-of-the-moment thing and he may still be in love with you. I thinki it was cool that the guy confessed to you. And it means that he probably will not do it again. Therefore, I would give him another chance.

I will certainly try..... ....and thanks for your thoughts!

[Bestkindakid]

Good God! Now the plot twists! The guy who cheated on me, he has now been offered a job back home, which is about 14 hours away from me! He says that if there is even a tiny chance of us getting back together, then he will not take the job. He says he loves me and won't go if I tell him that there is even a one in a million chance that I'd take him back. I really don't think this is my place to decide this for him. I also cannot guarantee that I will give him another chance. The pain of his cheating is still too fresh in my mind. Should I tell him to go? To stay? Any thoughts out there?

[Bestkindakid]

Good God! Now the plot twists! The guy who cheated on me, he has now been offered a job back home, which is about 14 hours away from me! He says that if there is even a tiny chance of us getting back together, then he will not take the job. He says he loves me and won't go if I tell him that there is even a one in a million chance that I'd take him back. I really don't think this is my place to decide this for him. I also cannot guarantee that I will give him another chance. The pain of his cheating is still too fresh in my mind. Should I tell him to go? To stay? Any thoughts out there?