whats going to be harder

[Dblock10]

I have had a thought about my ex situation.

 

firstly, she leaves in like 10 days or so for 6 months round-the-world time of her life trip.

 

so we broke up six weeks yesterday and since then its been 6 solid weeks of NC...

 

As most will know my story i have been debating wether to send her a take care txt but i think since iv'e not heard from her she doesn't "really" deserve it.

 

however my thought that came into my head a minute ago was that, say i don't txt her before she leaves, and lets say i don't txt her at all whilst she is away and i don't hear from her, when she finally comes back and i "still" want to contact her or to talk to her again, when i break NC at that point isnt that going to be harder than just staying in light contact with her from now on.

 

:S wish i could forget this.

 

but yeah ultimately she is coming back and i will want to talk to her so :s

Edited September 11, 2011 by Dblock10

[ScienceGal]

I am sorry that you're having such a hard time with this. It can't be fun to be doing a countdown everyday. But, only 10 more days.

 

D, she knows you care, right? She knows you love her and want to be with her, correct? That means she KNOWS you wish her well, and she knows this isn't easy for you. That means there is nothing else to say. No contact is awful, but necessary. Sending her a message will do nothing to change how difficult the path is going to be for you. There is no making it easier, I wish there was.

 

Today completes month 3 for me. I've wanted many times to send an "I miss you" message. I've drafted countless letters that I will never send. He lives less than 5 minutes from me. I actually wish he would leave for 6 months, as it would make my social life easier! Point is, it isn't enough for one person to want the connection. It doesn't matter how much I care, if the ex isn't on the same page as me. This is true for you too.

 

I know you don't want to let go, but you HAVE to, at least for now. Whether you send the message or not, she is leaving. And, even if she wrote something sweet in return, no one knows how she will feel in 6 months when she returns. You don't even know how you will feel! Entertain the idea of seeing her in 6 months if you have to... but, I hope that time will help you heal. Accept that you're going to move forward without her, wherever that may lead you.

Edited September 11, 2011 by ScienceGal

[Diatribes]

I wouldn't hypothesize about what you may or may not feel like 6 months from now. More than likely, your healing will have progressed immensely.

[silly_panda]

Man... I know you are feeling very miserable rite now... But just listen to all the wise people here... We really don't wan you to make a bad choice and regret afterwards...

[Dblock10]

i dont know what she thinks or if she knows i care since iv'e not spoke to her in 6 weeks, but at the time i wasn't aware she would be this distant to me until the departure. i feel horrible. she leaves in 16 days...

 

how can i let go? yeah she is leaving and i cant do anything. we are not even together now . yeah i don't know how she will feel once back, but i'm sure she isn't thinking about me and probably wont. and no doubt when she is back all that will be on her mind is getting away again and doing a ski season.

 

yeah its so hard so so so hard. I was literally about to break no contact and just talk to her, see why we haven't spoken see if she even wants to keep in touch at all and just stuff like that really but...

 

I just went on my face book and she uploaded a status.... that read (first one is weeks) "last night she lost her phone, keys, id, camera"

 

how the hell is she going to be ok travelling the world, she forgets everything when she is drunk, its so bad. She clearly has forgotten about me now and just doesn't care.

 

now would be a good time to hide any more future statuses.

 

i feel awful

[smudge21]

You already know my opinion on what you should do now, so instead of repeating it I'll simply say this:

 

- whatever you do, will be the right thing -

 

Oh and checking her Facebook means you're not NC as that thing keeps them in your life! Delete and block her the day she goes away. Consider that day the end of one thing, and the start of something new...

[Dblock10]

yeah smudge may have to do that. but dont want to regret doing so :S

 

you say to wish her well on the day she leaves. but gah i just dont no.

 

according to her status (on the main face page, not her wall) i dont check her main wall.

 

she says she lost her id phone camera keys last night. so just goes to show what shes like when drunk. terrible. she will probably end up going home with just about anyone in that state.

[smudge21]

One of the worst things we all do after a break up is analyse an ex's life after us. Whether it thinking about who they're with now, what they're doing, they're choices in life, etc etc. I'm just as bad. I know my ex has become almost a different person from what I remember - this in itself says to me that there is no chance whatsoever of the relationship being rekindled, as the person I love has long gone.

 

We have to distance ourselves from them - realise that we're no longer a part of their life, just like they're no longer a part of ours. What they do now is their choosing and has nothing to do with us or any impact on our lives from this point onwards. Knowing about her life now will only end up hurting you. Trust me, I was there. Ignorance truly is bliss. I urge you to block her on FB and step away.

 

You're currently not healing because you're refusing to allow yourself the time to do so. You can't let her go because you simply don't want to. You don't want to give up on something that was so special to you. I know that feeling. Only you can decide when to move forward and you do that by letting go... believe me I know how hard that is!

[Dblock10]

yeah it is one of the worst things to do and it does hurt knowing there going down the left path and you going down the right, and you really don't know if those paths will ever cross again.

for me knowing an ex has slept with another guy puts me right off.

 

I read online that you are not hurting by the reality but by the picture you painted in your head of them and what you hoped for? :s either way it hurts and its not getting easier and wether i like it or not she is going to be out the country and having the time of her life. all those photos of her doing all these life changing experiences.

 

makes me feel like the 6-7 months i had with her were the worst times for her, the exam period for her finals, and then having a bit of time with her but then ultimately we went into long distance and it crumbled with knowing that she had to leave and our future didn't look solid.

 

when will i let her go? how do i let her go? i am trying to move forward but its like deep down i want her back.

 

and it pains me to know she hasn't communicated with me for 6 weeks and she leaves in 14 days i just checked.

[lymtal1]

db10,

 

so here we are again and trust me i hear ya and understand that you are having a hard time with this. you know that this will not get better till you want it to. right now you do not want it to. you are wrapped up in what you should do, shouldn't do, based on this and that, the future which really doesn't exist, specifically because and read this and say it out loud. she does not want to be with you.

 

my best friend who has brought me out of the doldrums for the last three months makes me say these three things everytime i see him: (last time was last night). she does not love me. she does not want to be with me. she does not miss me. if she did she would be knocking down my door to be with me and make sure i know it. say it outloud and understand each and every statement.

 

you know i am one of your staunchest supporters here. but, you have to pull yourself together and start to work on you and let this thing go. for you not anyone else. do you want to be sitting here next year and still be feeling this way?

 

i don't want that for you. no one here wants you to feel this way. we all are going through our own demons and pain and we all want you to be able to face this and pull yourself up and start thinking about you. you have to let her go. she is moving on and you have to do the same. sure she may come back in six months and you know what? how about giving yourself six months to move on from her, start living your life for you and worry about the what that may be in six months. can you do that for us out here that want you to get better about this. we'll hang with you for the next six months and get through this together. minute by minute, day by day. week by week. month by month. lets be different people in six months. what do you say???

[Dblock10]

do you think it will be more concrete when she is actually away then...

yeah its hard walking past her old flat and its going to be hard going back to uni. its hard not having heard from her. its hard she doesn't want to be with me. hurts.

 

so really i am dealing with not heart break but mainly ego related issues... so if thats the case what do i do? clearly i cant handle her not wanting to be with me. hmm

 

maybe she did she just knew it wouldn't work and thus clean break was best. maybe she does actually want to see how things are once back, and thus being friends would be to hard for her right now to. there has to be a reason ive not heard from her.. just cant think or no what that reason is. unless it simply is that she just didnt want to be with me and has no other reason.

 

yeah your best friend is right. ive got many friends telling me identical things. but i hope i have done the right thing and am doing the right thing. its hard not making contact with her. really hard. and i question myself on going nc a lot.

 

yeah i appreciate the staunch from you (does that make sense?) not if i can help it, but something inside me says i will be thinking about her even by then. i really want to move on trust me i do. I am just so head over heals for her though its mad. and i feel like she is really a beautiful clever person and the best gf i have had, yet didn't manage to keep.

 

another part of me says she didnt love me, she never said so and her actions indicated she didnt really.. that hurts.

 

i will move on regardless though, like sciencegal said.

 

yeah i do want to move on in the six months. i have a lot planned to do at university, clubs and societies to join. i want to become more sociable and meet new people other than those i met first year in halls.

 

so yeah i sure will give it my best. so worried i may have not met anyone else though. and that will make me still want her etc. although i am perfectly fine being on my own for now, its just i do like to have female company and also like having a girl i know that cares about me and i like having a gf :S.

 

i hope people stick around and can keep track. id like to see how this will unfold for me. i really hope i do ok.

Edited September 11, 2011 by Dblock10

[lymtal1]

yes for sure.

 

i know that when i go back to the town where we were together it is very tough just being there. where i stay i can hit a golfball to her flat. with her being away it will make it easier for you as you will know she is gone in mind AND body. it might give you some better clarity that she is really gone. i hope this helps but you are going to have to face reality.

 

i know it hurts. i wake up each and every morning and i hurt. i hurt very bad. i am sitting here right now and it kills me thinking about it. but i have gotten to a point where i know the reality of the situation and i know there is nothing i can do to about it. so i am now dealing with my reality. you have to do the same.

 

i know you have been wondering about the no contact thing. i think you are going to have to ask yourself a question. will you beat yourself up the rest of your life if you don't reach out now? if you think you will, then go ahead and do what you have to do to make that not happen. just be prepared for the consequences and go in with expectations being whatever the worst you can imagine. as i said before we are only suggesting what we think will make you hurt less. but if you are going to regret this then do it and be done with it and lets get you on the track of healing from this.

 

i understand the head over heels. there are some relationships that in our life we will never get over. these people will always be a part of us. i will be in the same boat. i am a little older than you and this one for me out of the way too many is the first one that i have been this messed up about.

 

how about this. don't worry about the next one yet. that will happen when you are ready. trust me you are going to be in a situation (uni) that will enable you to have many interactions with the opposite sex. and if you slowly move in a the right direction you will be amazed at how the possibilities unfold for you. i know you don't see it or believe it now. trust the people here, the one's that were where you and i are and look at where they are now.

 

so sign up for everything you can, put youself in the right situations and make friends. be open to many things. recognize that you are going to be in this hurt for some while. but do the things that will make you feel better. it's not going away tomorrow. lets get through the next couple of weeks as they are what is on your radar right now. think of it as a project and it is coming due and once it is turned in you will be able to breath. when she leaves take a breath. focus on you and only you. if you need in your head to give her the next x days till she is gone do it. but promise me this. till she is gone do something each day for you. don't care what it is but get back here and tell us what you did for yourself each day. give us one thing that made you feel good about you.

 

i promise you there will be many of us still here. and many that go away come back and visit and give the good news stories. go read them. take some time and read the ones that talk about how much better things are x months later. you will make this work. think about a time in your life when someone told you or you thought you could not do something and you did it. just one thing, don't care what it was. that is why you will beat this. cause you can:)

[fallenheart]

Don't message her.

 

She's not leaving for a trip and coming back.....the truth is, she ALREADY LEFT. A long time ago. The girl that is going out there, the girl she will be on this round the world vacation? That's not your girl. That's a stranger. That's the person she became.

 

Unfortunately, your girl is gone and she's never coming back. So stop waiting for her.

 

Wish her well privately, in your heart, but don't tell her. All that does is make YOU feel like crap and either creep her out or give her a big ego boost she doesn't deserve, or both.

 

And either erase your facebook account or delete hers immediately, along with anyone that might be linked in any way to her. She's gonna be off bragging to everyone on the net about what a wonderful happy time she's having, whether that's true or not. She'll PRESENT it that way cause most people LIE on fb anyway!! You don't need to see that....it'll just hurt you. So make sure it's not a temptation. It's like sleeping with a loaded gun under your pillow.

 

I know it's hard...we all do. We've all been through it many times. But you gotta accept the fact that she left and she's not coming back!!

[Dblock10]

thanks for the reply, i guess its good in the sense that she isn't going to be around, so i wont see her. only problem is fb, i have blocked a fair few of her friends news feeds. including hers. removing her from face book would be best for healing i guess but i cant bring myself to do it based on the fact she hasnt removed me. she also isnt displaying that she is single. although i know full well what she is like, she will 100% hook up with at least 1 person on this "RTW experience"

 

sorry you wake up and hurt. its becoming sort of on and off for me. i remember hurting a lot more 8-9 weeks ago before i knew 100% what her decision was or would be. i was in limbo for a while, i thought knowing one way or the other would be best to know asap but when it was that she didnt want it, well that hit my ego didnt it...

 

see this is the issue i have with asking myself "ill you beat yourself up the rest of your life if you don't reach out now?" well i can honestly say no. id probably beat my self up more for reaching out at this point in time based on the facts in front of me.

 

however and this is the catch 22, in the long long run i "may" regret not doing so.. based on if she meets someone else or something :s

 

i will probably send a birthday card to her house address or something. not sure. you know what, in my mind if i did reach out and i did expect the worst which you might think would be "i'm seeing someone else" i also think her just being nice and acting like nothing ever happened could also be just as painful.

 

but i am glad people support me either way. i guess since its been 6 weeks now i have missed the boat to try and stay in contact with her..

 

yeah i hope something specially unfolds i really do, but all this has started to make me a bit "hard" and cold towards women if i'm being honest.

 

deffo going to put myself into activities and clubs that i enjoy and try and make the most out of everything. i just started a new job in a cocktail bar and i'm meeting lots of interesting new people there. then obviously when i am actually working there, interactions will be plentiful. but its like everyone knows, even though you meet all these people its not "them".

 

ok well yesterday i went to town with a model who works in london. and we both work together, she seems like a good laugh, but again i'm not looking at her in "that" way at all. just want the company and a friend.

 

iv'e never really had people tell me i cant do something, its normally myself telling myself it... but i always do do it and i win :S

 

 

 

@fallen heart. I like this post,

 

she said her self during the last break up talk that "it isn't just a holiday she's going on".. what ever that means.

 

she left a long time ago as in in her mind? yeah she will be a stranger completely agree. i can just imagine what her and her friend will be like on this trip. iv'e already witnessed how she talks to new people (new guys). she is very sweet and innocent looking and easy to talk to, easy to persuade since she is seriously indecisive.

 

yeah i think it could give her an ego boost and will let her no that i'm still bothered. does she deserve to know this information?

 

will not erase mine not for no one. i did it before and all it does is make you look weak and that you cannot handle reality. its this reason i think that is stopping me from removing her as a fb friend. I don't know how often she will actually be bragging on fb, she rarely goes on it now. let alone when she is off doing all these amazing new things. she probably wouldn't give it second thought.

 

one thing that still winds me up, is how she booked time off for her best guy mate like last week. and she never booked any solid time off for me and her. she just wanted me out the picture asap as soon as she had decided LD wasn't going to work for her and the situation we faced.

 

 

 

on a side note., i feel slight regret already for having not contacted her before she leaves

[smudge21]

I think when we're the dumpees we have all those feelings of loss and being cheated out of something. It's not fair, it was going well, how come this has happened - etc etc. Now you're getting that two fold in that she's leaving the country, so it's like a double edged sword in that you're in essense losing her twice and it's unfair.

 

You won't start healing though until you're ready and as the break up and her leaving was not of her doing, you will never be ready or accepting of it. Eventually time will heal you but only when you totally let it - and that means cutting all contact out.

 

As for the saying goodbye text/wishing her well... I would do it personally. In my eyes, it's just a friendly "take care" text aslong as you keep it like that. But I can see others viewpoints in regards to staying NC, but at the moment you are not really NC, so will it make any difference if you do text her? I guess it's basically wieghing up which will hurt the most, wishing you hadn't texted her, or wishing you had. Only you can make that call...

[Dblock10]

yeah i do have those feelings i guess. i feel it wasnt fair. but i also know i have no control over it. and what hurts is that she hasnt spoke to me since i left her house all those weeks ago. makes me feel she doesnt care AT ALL.

 

how do you mean the break up and her leaving was not of her doing?

 

technically i have been nc. i havent txt, called, emailed, spoke to mutual friends etc etc.

 

sending a good bye txt would be risky but i think ill send one the day before she leaves. just to see whats what. at least then ill no if she ever wants to talk to me again. i have this hope that she will talk to me and she will come back but i need to rid this false hope. i dont want to rid it in the sense that i am going to burn bridges, but i need to rid it in the sense that judging by what reaction i get if and when i reach out with that message.

 

of course she may not reply, but i'll no i sent it. ill no she doesnt want to hear from me again and that is what she will get.

 

it would make deleting her off fb easier and give me a reason to do so. and a reason to nc for good. as apposed to feeling like it ended on good terms but really does she care doesnt she care? why hasnt she spoke etc.

 

 

how do you think i am not really nc?

 

yeah well, thats a hard thing to weigh up. obviously ill feel bad if she doesnt txt me, i would be like darn i shouldnt have bothered why did i bother...

 

on the other hand if she replys and it gets us talking again, maybe that wont be a bad thing after all.

 

however, what would have been the point in maintaining 6 weeks of not talking to her if i then send her that txt. i may have well stayed in touch and it wouldnt have made this txt a big deal

Edited September 12, 2011 by Dblock10

[smudge21]

Sorry, my typo - should've read "not of YOUR doing". Apologies for that.

 

You're not truly NC because right now I could ask you about her life and you would be able to tell me quite a lot. Okay, there is no contact between you, but you are still checking up on her and in a way, stalking her, trying to be part of her life and wanting to know what she's up to. Don't worry about that, we all do it occasionally, but you have to realise that everytime you do that, you are not allowing yourself time away from her. You not allowing yourself chance to heal.

 

Your comments on texting her are worrying as you're expecting an outcome from it. My advice was simply to be polite and wish her well. Nothing more. Yet you're hoping it will lead to something, anything. That's wrong. That will only end up leading to more hurt, so if you only want to text her in order to gain something from it, to get a response, then I say don't do it. I know that means I'm changing my mind, but it's clear you're not ready to simply say goodbye. That's fine. I understand that. Come 6 months time, neither will I.

 

The day she leaves will be hard on you, but you may also find some relief in it as it will be forcing closure upon you. Yeah, you could still cyber stalk her if you want, but eventually even that will get too much for you.

[MAGGIE15]

Dblock10,

 

Having read your post and others, i could have wriiten it myself. I have been treated exactly like you have been and i am now , like you at 6 weeks NC.

 

I can understand why you want to text her, and to be honest, that is because you want to open up the lines of communucation again in the hope that just maybe things will have changed and she will have a change of heart.

 

I want to do exactly the same, just to stop this awful pain that i am in at the moment and just maybe i will get the fairy tale ending that i so desperately want.

 

BUT!!

 

It isnt going to happen. Not for me and not for you. Your ex just like mine hasnt been in contact with you for 6 weeks. What do you think 'one' last text will do? I have done everything you have said you want to do and it got me nowhere. I was just treated with a cold polite reply, which told me that i was just being a hinderance and he really didnt want to talk to me.

 

If they really thought ANYTHING at all, they would have shown it.

 

Like when you asked to meet up ?? Did that!!

Texted and got no reply?? Did that!!

Tried to be friends thinking she would change her mind?? Did that!!

 

And all of them got me absolutely nowhere except kept me in this circle of pain that just never goes away. You are just kept in this awful situation of 'hope' because that is the last thing we want to lose, because when we do we have lost everything.

 

But how many times are you going to keep 'putting your hand in the blender'? It hurts like hell when we are dumped, but believe me , it hurts more trying to keep it alive when it is dead in the water.

 

I ws so sorry to hear about your nan passing away and my heart goes out to you. But your ex didnt even send any condolence whatsoever. Common decency would have at least aknowledged your pain and regardless of what her feelings are towards you, she could have at leat sent her sympathies.

 

I know she goes away in x amount of days and will be away for 6 months. But honestly, do you want to carry on feeling like this?

 

I know you will do what you think is right for you and i understand that completely, but my advise for what it is worth, is not to send it. Whatever you get back will NEVER be enough and will just feed your addiction for a short while and then it will come back with a vengence. You will be set back right to sq 1 and have to start the whole painful process again.

 

Im sure i dont need to tell you what you need to do with regards to yourself and your healing as im sure you know the drill just like the rest of us, but now is the time to let it and her go.

 

You have suffered enough over this girl and got absolutely nothing back except pain and sadness. She has treated you cruelly and no one deserves that. You may not see it, but her leaving for 6 months is giving you the chance to heal and put this painful affair behind you.

 

You deserve to be happy .

[Dblock10]

right well you may not believe this as ive been so rock solid all this time... but i spoke to her on fb chat today before i went to work just to see if she would reply to me and she did... let me post the convo. i couldn't stand seeing her online and not saying something about not hearing from her and my nan etc as i was holding a bit of anger toward her about it tbh. but here is what was said.

 

i will sum it up instead of posting it all. I basically initiated the convo, she asked how i was. i told her fine and that ive been busy working and i dropped in that i hadn't heard from her in ages... she said she is sorry she has been working lots and is very tiered. And hasn't had time off other than this weekend. (again we all know how long it takes to send a txt msg. so why lie to me)

 

i told her my nan died. she was sorry to hear it. i told her i was v surprised i hadnt heard from her. she claimed she didnt no and has only been on fb at work on her itouch.

 

i said it was my fb statues for a while and there was a couple of them and thought u might have assumed it anyway since i drove to the hospital to say goodbye to her the last time i saw you that day.

 

she said sorry and that she thought i would have let her know. and she said "you can still ring me to talk to me if you want to"

 

i said

 

well you must have known and if you cared you would have said something (which is truthful from me)

 

she then said

 

im really sorry i do care ive just been very busy and haven't checked your fb wall. how are you?

 

 

then i went offline as i didnt know what else to say and cause to be honest what would i say back to how are you anyway? i would have started dragging everything up possibly and it wouldn't be good at all.

 

and why do i need to talk to her now anyway she has shown her true colours. what is there to say. she is leaving soon. goodbye.

 

i dont really believe she didn't see the statues and fact still remains even if she didn't, she KNEW i was off that day to say goodbye to my nan.

 

if she really did care like she says, she would have, out of her own will txt'd or called me to ask how everything is, not have to have me calling her to tell her. It would be like this "o hey, not spoke in a while. btw my nan died.."

 

 

so yeah. broke the no contact and like i said to my mum, i doubt i would have heard from her before she goes in 12 days if i hadn't of spoke to her first. that was obvious given the 6 weeks of nothing from her, so i shouldn't feel guilty or look into what she said.

 

i deserve better than that.

 

whats the advice now then guys? i'm not crying over what was said. she is saying she cares, but deep down if you care we all know i would have heard from her before.

 

her asking me how am i, how does she think i am...

 

anyway. i know you are right, moving on is the only option and cyber stalking her will only get worse. so looks like true nc is the best option. forgetting her on the other hand will be tough.

 

i beleive i could have stayed nc on her but if i evver spoke to her again i would have wanted to say that to her so im glad i said it.

 

and if she cares then i will hear from her again before she goes. i didnt need to reply to her on fb.

 

oh and it felt like my heart was in my mouth talking to her. i think its because when you dont talk to someone you care for for soo long it makes it all a big deal.

 

but im fine honestly. and i no longer feel like im holding onto hope. rather holding onto reality that shes off and hasnt shown signs of true caring regardless of how busy she is.

Edited September 12, 2011 by Dblock10