feel like i wanna die, cant cope with my girlfriends flirting :-/

[dana999]

hi all, my first post here in the hope someone can ease my pain with their words me and my girlfriend have been together about 2 years now and she has always stuck by me, i love her with all my heart, but her flirting is killing me. i have talked with her about it and she says it is harmless flirting,

 

but last night we were out at the park and she kept flirting with one of her boy friends right in front of me. she had her arm around him at one point which hurt me so much. im sure she has not cheated on me, and that her flirting is limited to touching and arms around (not that inappropriate) boys, but it hurts me. then i noticed on his facebook wall she went "darling x lol x" i know this is a flirty thing but it kills me inside to read it :-(

 

the problem is then i end up getting in a mood and i feel my response is pushing us apart. ive tried and tried to ignore it when she is flirting with other guys but i just cant do it, i love her with all my heart and dont even look at other girls, she is the girl i love and i only have eyes for her

 

i dont want to break up with her, and as ive said i have tried talking with her about it but she says it is harmless, and i feel that if i asked her to stop, she would maybe even end the relationship. if someone could offer a few words of advice, or similar situation they were in and what happened it would really really help me at the moment. thank you x

[silly_panda]

Talk to her... Yeap... Talk... Make sure she really understand that she is hurting you and all... Let her know this is effecting your relationship with her... Tell her the consequences if she still keep this up...

 

A relationship requires good communication, mutual understanding, respect, etc... I believe she is not good in the three items that I had listed... Especially respect... She don't respect you man... Sorry to say that... But that's what it is...

 

If she keep on doing this, you either end it, or keep hurting yourself... And also risk her doing something more than flirting one day...

 

Come on man... We all get into a relationship because we wanna feel happy, appreciated, etc... And you are not really happy now man... Why keep torturing yourself..?

 

It's all up to you man... Talk it out first... If nothing change, you make your choice to stay or to walk away...

[antinko]

Yeh, address the issue with her properly and then if she doesn't respect your boundaries, end it.

 

Or this will happen: you'll keep on agonizing over the situation until she gets annoyed with you, might perhaps turn it around and say you're over reacting or something and dump you...and that'll just make you feel worse.

 

If she is worthwhile, she'll respect your feelings. By the sounds of it, you're very young.

[betterdeal]

Explained that this behaviour upsets you

Tell her what you'd like her to change

Decide what you will do if she doesn't agree to your requested change

Decide whether or not you will tell her that last bit.

 

Something along these lines:

 

I'm not happy with you flirting. I feel rotten inside when you do. Please stop flirting so much. If you don't I'm out.

 

It sucks to end a relationship, but you should never stay in one just because you're afraid to not be in one. You have two choices: change the situation or accept the situation.

[dana999]

thanks very much for the replies, feel a bit better :) i know deep down that she will not change i went to talk with her today and i said i wouldnt flirt with other girls because i love her, and she said that 'well it's different for girls' i just want someone who will respect me like i respect her, but i love her sooooo much, a couple of times she has ended it and i was in pieces, only for her to say 'we can get back together if you like' the next day. she is defenitely in control of the relationship, and i know she doesnt love me as much as i love her, and i know deep down that if a boy did flirt back she would go with it, who knows how far. there is very little trust on my side for her.... i just want to hold on to her for as long as i can i love her and always will

[light_vader]

Think about it thoroughly but make sure she is not emotionally cheating on you.

My EX had this behavior all the time and I was just too stupid to realize it was just emotional cheating (oh no, she's right, it's just me who is too jealous, I used to stupidly think) until she ended the relationship when I finally confronted her about a conversation she had with some guy at work via MSN about meeting at her place that day, without me knowing anything about it. A month after our breakup, she had sex with that guy so as you can see that very night we broke up she was going to physically cheat on me.

 

If only I hadn't been such an idiot and have the guts to just break up with her early, I wouldn't be on this suffering (because I still feel betrayed and else) after 2.5 years of relationship and some months of breakup.

[benB]

Yeah this is why I just broke up with my girlfriend, she goes to bars weekly and acts like single girl, she flirts with guys who I know are trying to hook up with her and she said she won't stop so I had to end it. She doesn't even care, hasn't even tried to get me back at all. Thats how I know she doesn't really give a crap about me. Girls who flirt are bad news.

[fallenheart]

dana999,

 

It sounds like you already know in your head that this relationship is doomed. She has the upper hand and all the power and she knows it and manipulates you. You are so desperate to be with her you are willing to settle for whatever she will throw you, even though you know it's not enough, and you know it's not RIGHT.

 

Talking to her isn't going to do anything cause she doesn't care. She doesn't value the relationship. The only way to attempt to make her understand is to leave her and cut off all contact. If she really truly misses you and wants to have an honest and equal relationship, she will come back. If you believe her apology is sincere, then you can give her another chance.

 

But why would she ever change now? You give her everything you want! You give her permission to flirt and get all the attention she craves from all those other guys! By not backing up your words with ACTIONS (as in actually leaving her) you are just telling her it's OK for her to flirt, even though it hurts you, but you'll just take it and live with the hurt cause it's better than nothing.

 

Is that what you want?

[aliceinchains]

either,

 

tell her the truth and let her know how it makes you feel, if she has any decency she will listen but if she doesn't she will say you are ridiculous for being jealous. Don't tell her too much about how badly it makes you feel (some women find that unattractive) but tell her you find it immature and disrespectful (make her feel stupid for doing it)

 

or

 

start flirting with other women around her, if you're not that good of a flirt and don't want to embarrass yourself, get a really hot friend that she does not know to help you out. have your friend show up where you and your gf are, flirt with her and have her give you her number.

althuogh, if that bakcfires, you will look really bad so do it well

 

once she sees other girls find you desirable, she will want you more.

 

if you are good at flirting, you might find someone better than her.

Edited September 12, 2011 by aliceinchains

[betterdeal]

thanks very much for the replies, feel a bit better :) i know deep down that she will not change i went to talk with her today and i said i wouldnt flirt with other girls because i love her, and she said that 'well it's different for girls' i just want someone who will respect me like i respect her, but i love her sooooo much, a couple of times she has ended it and i was in pieces, only for her to say 'we can get back together if you like' the next day. she is defenitely in control of the relationship, and i know she doesnt love me as much as i love her, and i know deep down that if a boy did flirt back she would go with it, who knows how far. there is very little trust on my side for her.... i just want to hold on to her for as long as i can i love her and always will

 

 

Aw, man, I know how you feel, but it's never as bad as it seems at the time. She only has the upper hand and calls the shots because you don't stand your ground. You don't need to be a bully or fight with her to stand your ground. You just need to say what's bothering you, what you want her to do about it and decide what you will do if that doesn't work.

 

As for love, you have to love and respect yourself first and foremost. Don't expect anyone else to do that for you. The reason you feel rotten now is you're not doing that. You're doing what you think will please her but it displeases you.

 

If you feel afraid to confront her then you have a serious problem in your relationship. Do you generally have issues dealing with conflict outside of this relationship? If you do, you could do well to read up some assertiveness training techniques to help you get your needs across to people without being a bully or a pushover.

 

Good luck & take care.

[dana999]

Thanks everyone we talked last night and she admitted she did have a crush on the guy in the park, but said she doesnt want to get with him (and he doesnt want to get with her, infact turns out he's gay!! not that that excuses flirting with him in front of me) and that she loves me, so i said i am ok with harmless flirting but asked that she not do it in front of me. in fact im planning to not be around when they are together, they're more her friends than mine anyway. scenarios im sure will rush through my head but im willing to trust her and give her that freedom because i love her. the fact that he is gay helps lol but maybe this can be a way of starting to accept that she will have guy friends she wants to have fun with, ive always found it difficult.

 

anyway thanks for all your help, here are some positive comments on crush's that i found last night on the internet...

 

Sometimes things like that happen. I'm crazy about my boyfriend of 20 months, and there are times when I'll develop crushes on

 

other people. I'd never leave my boyfriend for anyone else. I think it's normal for people in relationships to develop fleeting

 

crushes on other people, or at least to notice if someone attractive walks past, though it's pretty hurtful to the other person in

 

the relationship.

 

You do have every right to be paranoid; I know I would be. But has she ever cheated on you before? Do you have any reason to

 

believe she'd cheat on you? I'd say just tell her it upsets you and have a long talk about commitment and things like that. Hope

 

it all works out...

 

 

-----

 

People have crushes on people when they are in a relationship. Its really not that uncommon and not as alarming as it would seem

 

to you. She is with you, and its not like she said "I think I might break up with my boyfriend for him." its a crush. Big whoop.

 

I wouldn't confront her about this until this crush is pushed past the crush stage. Otherwise, your just going to cause a whole

 

lot of fuss and problems.

 

 

-----

 

this happened to my best friend. she started liking her bfs best friend and told him. but she knew that she couldnt be with her

 

bfs best friend because she is in love with her bf. just give it time and it should blow over.

 

-----

 

girls have crushes on guys all the time, that doesnt mean that she doesnt that she doesnt love you. you just need to ask her if

 

she still wants you and not your friend. most likely she thinks he is sweet, or has a nice bod. dont take it to seriously

 

 

-----

 

I think my girlfriend has a crush on another guy? what do i do?

we have been dating for almost a year. pretty much the only time we get to spend time together is during lunch at our school.

 

today a guy she had a crush on before we went out came back to our school after moving for a while. today he sat with us and all

 

she did during the whole lunch period was stare at him and kinda flirt with him. she completely ignored me and has been since he

 

came back...should i be worried what should i do? --->>>

 

 

Don't worry about it too much. It may sound crazy, but seriously don't worry about it. If she's worth your efforts, she will stay

 

with you and be faithful/truthful. If she continues what she's doing, then obviously, she's not worth your time.

 

I have to build my trust in her, but at the same time she has to learn to be more respectful and not flirt with guys when im there. if she cant do that i have to find the strength to end it. we have the next couple of days on our own together and im going to try and make the most of it to remind me that she is worth it god bless you all for your comments, please feel free to comment further

[Besmy]

Naaah naahhh, what's that?

Girls who love a man and have a crash on other / others??

Where does this happen, on the moon?

 

I am a woman and can tell you from my experience and that of ALL my female friends, if we are into a guy it's him and NO ONE ELSE. No double-crush, that DOES NOT EXIST if a woman CARES.

 

On the other side, if the woman DOES NOT CARE, well then, everything is possible.

 

Coming to your case, I suggest the following:

 

1. Do the same, flirt with other girls in front of her. STOP telling her how much you love her. You should also play cool and distanced and see whether she reacts at all.

If she reacts she cares, if she doesn't dismiss her please.

[skywriter]

Wow dana999, please go back and read your last post. It hurt my feelings for you. I hope you read it the way I did.

[betterdeal]

Good luck and take care!

[Buttercup84]

Oh hun I'm sorry but that's bull**** .you are not ok with the flirting ! So you don't care if she's out flirting ? What's wrong with her ? If I'm with someone he is the only one. I do not flirt if I live someone .

[light_vader]

Hello.

 

I just wanna bump in once again here to ratify my "support" for some of the latter comments.

Look, it's not like we're trying to "destroy" your relationship (if there is still one) or anything or undermine your girlfriend.

Neither we are negative people trying to put others down and say "Yay!! Join the club!".

 

It's just after you go through hard times, if you're brave enough to take your life by the horns once again... you start thinking... a lot!

 

A relationship is about mutual respect and commitment.

I understand, we're animals after all and physical attraction will always happen, whether in a relationship or not, whether it is with the TV actress, the girl next door, some co-worker, some stranger passing by on the street, etc.

Now, one thing is thinking "That girl is hot", another thing is flirting and playing mind games, to an extent where it becomes, emotional cheating.

 

And yes, you're trying to make excuses for it. I know because I did. I can't believe I found so much about my EX in the 2.5 years we were together, how she would flirt with other guys while she was on her hometown, via facebook, via messenger, in person while I wasn't present, and the list goes on.

And the idiot on me kept on making poor excuses about how I was the problem!! Yeah, me, the vicious jealous boyfriend, bla bla yadda yadda.

But it turns out my EX just wasn't ready for commitment in a relationship with ME! No matter how many times she'd say she loved me, she wanted to spent the rest of her life with my and so on. Lies and lies. But to me they were just the reassurance of my jealously behavior and how her doings where "perfectly ok" in a relationship. All that was missing was me giving her an award for girlfriend of the century or something.

 

So take the best out of our thoughts, after all you came for help and we are here to share a piece of our minds. But always remember, not to make any excuses for any shady behavior at all.

[Rabid Ferret]

This won't be much help but I can at least relate to your situation. One of my friends is a compulsive flirter. When I first met her she flirted with me like crazy. And I fell for it. We were involved for a little while, but the flirting never stopped with other guys. She would even wander off with guys she just met.

 

I'd try to follow and stay social, but the conversation between me and her would die while the suave smooth talking guy would toss a smirk my way knowing he just stole my girl. Many nights I went home irritated and feeling miserable because I was tossed to the side. Of course the next day this girl would call me up, apologize for leaving like that, talk about how awesome the new guy was, and say I need to get to know him, too.

 

She'd even get into major freakouts over losing me, assuring me I was incredibly important to her and somebody she could never replace. I kept going for it again and again. And every time our conversations would get interrupted by some random guy she would latch onto. And I would watch her disappear again and again and again.

 

I eventually broke it off. But we are still friends. I've just accepted that she is not girlfriend material. And while I still have bouts of irritated jealousy when we do get the rare chance to hang out, and she ditches me for other guys, it's not a solid blow to the ego any more.

 

But yeah, hard as it might be to see things that way, this situation is going to chip away at your self confidence like a jackhammer. It's no fun watching your girlfriend throwing affection towards other men. Even if she truly intends it to be harmless, if she can't respect the fact it's hurting you, then she's showing a lack of respect.

 

I really do hope she takes your feelings into consideration and you guys work everything out. A good solid relationship requires some sacrifices. You toss in a little more trust and she tosses in a little less flirting. Happy faces all around.

[betterdeal]

Just start flirting with girls yourself - it's fun!

[Chi townD]

There is no such thing as "harmless flirting" someone always gets hurt. Flirting is a gateway to affairs in my opinion. I think you're setting yourself up for failure to allow this kind of behavior to continue.

[radiodarcy]

honestly, if it bothers you. tell her. if she continues to do so walk. my ex was a MAJOR flirt. i tried to accept it as part of who he was but it really got to me.

 

we had tons of fights over it before he finally dumped me. so it's better to just save yourself the pain and end things before they get out of hand or she just decides she's had enough and dumps you.

 

i honestly don't know too many people: male or female who would care to put up with such behavior. and if they are they must be extraordinarily self-confident. i can't say i am

[betterdeal]

I bet she's pretty, and that's what holds him. One thing I've noticed is that pretty girls who flirt a lot really don't like their emotional punchbags boyfriends doing the same.

[RyanAndrew]

Maybe...

 

It sounds like she isn't ready for a serious relationship. I think anyone who wants a serious mature healthy relationship tries to put themselves in a position to understand where the other is coming from in order to adapt their behavior. You're "in love" with her but she doesn't seem to be "in love" with you. Love is about giving yourself for the sake of the other person without thinking about any reward in return or the cost (obviously everyone has different limits but that's why there's 6 billion people on the earth!). Desiring what is best for the other person even if that means leaving them. It is not loving to let her think it's ok treat a "lover" like this. And by staying in the relationship you are actually doing the opposite of loving her because you are confirming a behavior in her that she will use to hurt others down the road. It seems like you are ready for this type of committed loving relationship and she is not. If she truly loved you she would do her best to give up this behavior for your sake. But since she is not giving it up, she obviously doesn't love you, no matter what she says or does or how she says and does it. You shouldn't be willing to sacrifice your love, dignity, and manhood for a someone who can't appreciate and respect the gift of yourself.

 

AND/OR

 

She may be acting out on purpose. When she flirts she may be semi-consciously saying "I'm begging you to stand up for yourself and respect yourself. I flirt with guys all day and you just take it because you're so desperate for me. This lack of self-respect show's a major weakness in your character. I dont want to be with a weakling who cant stand on his own 2 feet without me by his side. Your afraid to be without me so you let me flirt with everyone. If you showed some strength and ended the relationship knowing you would be fine without me I would actually be more attracted to you. But since you're afraid and weak the cycle goes on and on and on and the more you hurt and don't do anything about it the more weak and unattractive you appear to me and the more I flirt and the cycle goes on and on and on. Please grow up have some strength and courage and understand that negative emotions and fear are apart of life but you can't let them control you. Make a decision to be strong and then I will respect you more."

 

But even if you exhibit some strength and she responds positively you might just want to stay away from her until she mature's a bit and knows what a real loving relationship consists of. If you are afraid to be without someone you can't truly lovingly and freely be with them.