Wow. This really hurts...

[joeyflowers]

Hi Everyone. I have been lurking around these forums and finally decided to join in. I just recently became separated from my wife, and honestly, I think I'm just barely keeping my head above water.

 

I'll spare you the whole story (it would be pretty long, and who wants to read a mile long page), but two months ago, my wife gave me the "space" speech. Things got strange even before that though, and I tried to get the both of us together to work on our relationship, but I think she may have checked out a while ago and decided to emotionally abandon me, and really make my life miserable while I was still living at home. I ended up having to move out of the country to live with my parents because I had nowhere to go at the time.

 

I know when I do get back to the states, the separation is going to turn into a, you know. Trust was broken, lies were told, and the situation was handled POORLY (and not by me). There's a line you cross, and once it's crossed, you can't go back.

 

I really was shocked, and felt like the rug was pulled from under me, and even after two months, even though I've figured some stuff out, am still a little confused. Now it looks like the kids, who are all grown, are deciding instead of taking a neutral stance, are siding, and I dare say, helping (and in my opinion, condoning) their mother's behavior. I feel totally betrayed by all of them.

 

So, I've talked to family, friends, looked at the internet, to try and help me with this. And even though I have been given, and found a lot of helpful things, it still hurts, It still confuses, it still scares me.

 

One thing that has helped me, is keeping a diary, but here have been times where I couldn't even do that. So, kind of put it off. Recently, I started up again, but decided to start a blog. I would say it's therapeutic, but still hurts, and is NOT easy.

 

Still have a ways to go, but hopefully soon.

 

Thanks for listening, or uh, reading.

[willowthewisp]

Welcome to LS, but also sorry you have to be here. I know it hurts, you will make it through, it's hard and it takes a long time, strap yourself in for the rollarcoaster and post here, I found it helped, people can offer you differ perspectives and help you to see things a bit differently, that helped me more than I thought possible.

[joeyflowers]

Thank you.

[Steen719]

How long have you been married? Was the marriage troubled for a while? Do you think she has another man? It's sort of hard to address the situation when there is not really much to go on.

 

Most of us know your pain and feel for you.

[joeyflowers]

How long have you been married? Was the marriage troubled for a while? Do you think she has another man? It's sort of hard to address the situation when there is not really much to go on.

 

Most of us know your pain and feel for you.

 

I'll try to make it short and to the point.

 

I have been married for 18 years. Been with her for 20. Met her when I was very young. She is 12 years older than me. I am currently 36. She just turned 49.

 

I wouldn't say the marriage was troubled, every relationship has it's speed bumps. We were no exception. But I would say the marriage was good, while it lasted.

 

Here's the super condensed version:

 

I would say that it got a little rocky around March. Her behavior changed, and she without actually saying it, tried to blame menopause. She basically started to ignore me and stay on one side of the house and acted like she didn't want to be bothered. She also started to have this indifference about her that she never had. Now I know women change during this, but this was different. Needless to say, it got very uncomfortable, and staried many a discussions, or mini arguments. Told her that menopause doesn't excuse bad behavior and how she was acting. Well, during this time, I noticed her on the computer REALLY early in the morning, and even signing in late at night. Confronted her about it, and she denied everything of course. Turned out to be a lie.

 

Then during one of our "discussions", an old issue came up again. Early in the relationship, I suspected her of cheating (which coincidentally she got pregnant at that time) . She always denied it. But when it came up this time, it was almost like she wanted to admit something. She acted very weird and then started acting all lovey dovey and wanted to change the subject. That right there told me that I was probably lied to about that all these years. Which also means....you guessed it.

 

I think one of the reasons she handled it the way she did was because she felt guilty, and instead discussing and working on something like an adult (which I gave her plenty of opportunities), she took the cowards way out.

 

Anyway, do I think there is another man? Yes. But the man I suspect is someone who doesn't live in our area, and she met on the net on you guessed it....Facebook. And what's funny, is she gave me all the details about "this guy" in a nonchalant way, like he was just a friend. This is who I think she was talking to early in the morning and late at night.

 

Anyway, that's it in a nutshell. I did leave out A LOT. You figure I got 20 years of story to tell so....I'll be glad to answer any questions.

 

Thanks again.

[MrsNoMo]

Hi joeyflowers. You suspected your wife cheated on you long time ago. After you had a talk about it at that time, did you keep bringing that up in arguments over the years?

My husband accused me of cheating with one of his friends just after we got married and I told him, it never happened which was true. Anyway, to cut the long story short, over the years he kept accusing me of having affairs with other people too (always someone I don't even talk to) and after years and years of arguing over it, I became paranoid. If any guy stood too close to me at the shop, I had to walk away so that my husband wouldn't accuse me of "having a thing" with him (even total strangers) and I didn't wanna go to any parties or BBQ because it always ended up in a argument. So after a while I became unhappy and knew I couldn't go on like this but at the same time I didn't wanna end my marriage because I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could make him see what he's doing was wrong. He didn't wanna do the counselling so little by little I put up a wall and after a while, I hardly even talked to him. I just didn't wanna be around him cause I was hurt that he couldn't see what he's doing to me is wrong.

It was only when I finally decided that the best thing would be to end the marriage, that he decided that we should go to counselling. And while there (for 2 months) all he wanted to talk about was how I must have another man because there is no other reason why I should be distant from him. No one could make him see that HE was the reason I put up the wall.

 

Maybe your situation is complitely different, but what I'm trying to say is, women "put up a wall" for many different reasons. It doesn't have to be because she's got someone else.

[joeyflowers]

No, once she denied it, and swore up and down she didn't, I believed her. I never brought it up in any discussions, or threw it back in her face.

 

True, I agree that women "put up a wall" for many different reasons, but in my case it was because of the "space" issue which was an easy way out for her and a way to do what she really wanted without dealing with the situation accordingly in my opinion.

[Steen719]

Well, the early morning, late night computer and facebook are all great big signs to me, since I faced the same thing, so I am not very objective. Those emotional affairs can ruin a marriage as much as a PA and in some ways, I think they can be worse because how can you see another person's frailties when they are only online with you? Thinking about being with the other man makes it appealing for her. In my case, it is a woman who my H dated over 35 years ago a couple of times. Reconnecting and off they go into a world that could have been. I don't know if they have even gotten together, but I have seen what they write together and he clearly wished he had pursued her back then and in any case, I have so much other stuff going on, that is just one more thing.

 

So, it seems like you think one of your kids might not be yours? What are you going to do about that? Holy crap, that is not something I would want to even consider if I were you.

 

So, you have no way to even check to see what she is doing if you are not at home. One thing is sure, you are not going to solve this from another country. You will never know what is going on and you will not know what you can do. Why is she still in the house? She needed space; why didn't she leave?

 

Your adult kids may just be hearing her side, so??

[Lucid1]

DivorceMentor,

 

Thanks for that link. I found this:

 

"Emery describes grief in divorce as different than other theories of loss such as the well-known Kubler-Ross model of bereavement: anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Instead the emotional process of grief in divorce is less of a progression beginning at point A and ending at point B and more of a repeated cycling through three emotional states: Love, anger and sadness."

 

Wow. I lived that cycle for almost two years and it almost killed me. I wish someone had pointed that out to me early on, it probably would have helped. I don't think I've seen it put like that anywhere else.

 

Joeyflowers, we all wish you well. It's a tough place to be.

[joeyflowers]

Well, the early morning, late night computer and facebook are all great big signs to me, since I faced the same thing, so I am not very objective. Those emotional affairs can ruin a marriage as much as a PA and in some ways, I think they can be worse because how can you see another person's frailties when they are only online with you? Thinking about being with the other man makes it appealing for her. In my case, it is a woman who my H dated over 35 years ago a couple of times. Reconnecting and off they go into a world that could have been. I don't know if they have even gotten together, but I have seen what they write together and he clearly wished he had pursued her back then and in any case, I have so much other stuff going on, that is just one more thing.

 

So, it seems like you think one of your kids might not be yours? What are you going to do about that? Holy crap, that is not something I would want to even consider if I were you.

 

So, you have no way to even check to see what she is doing if you are not at home. One thing is sure, you are not going to solve this from another country. You will never know what is going on and you will not know what you can do. Why is she still in the house? She needed space; why didn't she leave?

 

Your adult kids may just be hearing her side, so??

 

 

Thanks for the support and well wishes. Much appreciated, really.

 

Yes, I think there was an emotional affair going on. One that was being set up to eventually become physical. Of course it was denied.

 

Yes, there is a possibility that one of the kids, our only biological son, may not be mine. I say this because of the possibility of an affair around the time she got pregnant. What can I do now? Not much of anything, I don't think. He's already considered an adult. But there is also the possibility that I was made to think that yes, there was no doubt he was mine, even though there was the possibility that he wasn't. I actually stayed with her because I wanted to be there for her, because I loved her, and for the baby.

 

True, I am not going to get anything done here. I REALLY need to go back, But anyway, I ended up here because I had nowhere to go at the time. My mother insisted on me coming here to get my mind right and take a break from the drama. I bet my wife loved the fact that I ended up here because there is no risk of running into me, or even hearing from me, which by the way I wouldn't do anyway. Yes she still lives there. Technically it is her mother's house. That's another story. So needless to say, she got to stay, I had to leave. And it's funny, because when she asked for space and suggested I go "visit family", it was like she didn't want to TELL me to leave, she just kind of wanted it to end up that way. It was weird.

 

I'm sure the kids are hearing her side. But before I left, I sat down with each one of of them, and even though they are adults, tell them what was going on. I thought they should know. Of course it got emotional, and I basically said my goodbyes. I didn't give them details because that is between their mother and myself and I didn't want to bad mouth her in front of them. But there was an understanding, or so I thought, that they already know there's two sides to every story, but I made sure I told my side without giving away too much and doing so without making their mother look bad. They are adults and I would ASSUME that they would understand and handle it as such. I think I made sense?

 

So one reason why I think that they are siding with her is because it has been 2 months and I haven't heard ANYTHING from any of them. Not a hello, or how are you. I expected not to hear from their mother, but them? The oldest daughter even took me off the friends list and BLOCKED me on Facebook. I was shocked. Don't understand why. I also sent her a quick birthday wish and she never responded.

 

This sucks....