LDRrookie Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 I met my current SO on eHarmony about 2 months ago. We instantly hit it off. He is in Oregon, I am in Louisiana. Meeting had been number one priority from the start. So we made a "phone date" to pick the flights and hotel together, which went on as expected. That was on the 21st of August. I am scheduled to be there on October 6th. Around Labor Day we started to get into little heated candid conversations about finances, living together, expectations of our SO and so fort. We soon realized that we don't agree on every single thing but were willing to compromise if, and when (and this ideal may very well have been the cause of our confusion,) we reached those obstacles. He noticed I was feeling anxious about our tifs, so he sent me a text stating, 'that us butting heads does not matter to him. It's just us getting to know each other and he can't wait to see me.' Now that was on the 5th. Since then we have had a turn for the absolute worst. He wasn't able to skype with me one night and I flipped out with some classic passive aggressive behavior. He asked me for space which is like my calm girl kryptonite. I initially asked to talk about it at the moment. Of course, he declined. That lead me to text him "We can just break up then. I am not going to do this to myself." I 100% meant it at the time, but regretted it about an hr later though I didn't say anything. I just went to bed. Email from travelocity comes the next morning saying thanks for calling customer care etc etc. I called to see what was up and they spilled the beans. He tried to cancel my trip but didn't because there wouldn't be a full refund. He didn't even talk to me first. I went into stalker mode after that and the rest is history. What the hell happened? Do I even need to still pursue anything with him after this. I did send a message yesterday admitting fault and saying I wouldn't contact his until Tues and that I would like closure either way? But am I wasting my time? Should I look more deeply into the fact that tried to cancel our meeting so quickly after having a disagreement. I have friends saying "f" him and I am friends saying you didn't respect him so that's what you get; I'm confused. I know I am clingy when stressed, maybe this is a wake-up call to curb that behavior. Any thoughts will help. (sorry for the lifetime miniseries) Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 Yeah, take this as a wake up call to control yourself so you dont act out emotionally. Also take this as a wake up call to not bother with dating people that you cant drive to within an hours distance. Dont bother with this guy anymore, you clearly turned him off to the point where he doesnt even want to talk to you. I hope you learned from this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LDRrookie Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 Wow. Ok. I had a feeling that I was being optimistic by thinking he would have a change of heart. I guess I was under the impression that if he really didn't want to see me, he would have canceled my reservation with or without a refund. And you are right abut the distance, Eddie. It's really a problem for me. I should have been more honest with myself that I wasn't going to be able to handle this. Lots to think about. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 It was a good thing he was paying for your ticket. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LDRrookie Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 LOL. Uh yea. I would have been taking a trip to hang out with myself. Which I still may do......I've never been to OR before so hey. Might be fun. Seriously, I am really torn up over this. I wish I could just talk it out. But I guess we just differ in matters of conflict resolution. I'm 27 and never have met someone so "right" for me. I am still holding on to some hope he will answer when I call on Tuesday. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 If a man asks for space you give it to him!!! To h*ll with your calm girl kryptonite - that's one behaviour you need to get control of or you'll drive most men away (and I'm a woman!). You were the one who apparently broke it off in a temper, so you can't really blame him for trying to cancel your trip - especially if he paid for it. By telling him you're going to call on Tuesday, you're still trying to control things - he may or may not pick up but you won't know if it's because he's busy or because he doesn't want to talk to you. The way I see it you have two options: 1) Send him an email apologising for your behaviour and saying that you'd love to come and meet him, if it's what he still wants. He may, or may not reply. OR 2) Leave him alone - if you haven't scared him off completely, he'll call you when he's ready. Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 I guess I don't get it why you were even discussing then getting your knickers in a twist about things like finances, living together, etc. already. I mean, you've only known this guy for two months and haven't even met him in person yet! Why couldn't you have just "gone with the flow" and see how the two of you got on in RL first before sweating all that serious stuff? Quite frankly, if I were the guy I would have bailed on you after the first temper tantrum. I dunno. Sounds like you "have to have all you T's crossed and I's dotted" and everything wrapped up with a nice fluffy bow on the top before you'll stick your toe in the water. If so, you're right. You're *not* cut out for a LDR. If you're flipping out already and "taking your dolls and going home" when things don't go the way you'd like you'll never make it long-distance/long-term. Sorry... TMichaels Link to post Share on other sites
Author LDRrookie Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 Thanks Tiger. I will definitely heed your advice to avoid driving men away. I sent him a text yesterday. In the text I told him that I did not give him what he asked for and for that I am sorry. I will not contact him again until Tues. I gave a specific day just to have a timeline for myself. He asked me for 1 or 2 days so I am giving him that. This is my attempt at leaving him alone. So far this forum is helping me to do that. Seeing multiple points of view is really what I need to keep me sane. As well as giving myself an end-point, I need to know whats going on! My trip is still reserved but I have no idea if we are going to get past this. So having some closure either way, soon, is important. October will be here in no time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LDRrookie Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 TMichael, I think you may have the situation a tad backwards, but that's okay because I didn't give all the details. I didn't initiate those conversations. But I also wasn't wise enough to avoid them either. We are both analytical people. That is where the initial attraction started. We also both went into this very casually but it became really serious; really fast. Which I have seen can be normal from reading around in this forum. We just clicked, which sucks because I am hurting and missing him. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 As well as giving myself an end-point, I need to know whats going on! My trip is still reserved but I have no idea if we are going to get past this. So having some closure either way, soon, is important. October will be here in no time. You already know whats going on, you just dont want to admit it. He wants it over, and he has clearly said it. Closure wont come from him, it can only come from you. You will have to admit that he doesnt want to hear from you, and thats the only closure you will get. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 What exactly were the little heated disagreements about? Who believes what about finances, living together, expectations? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LDRrookie Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 Finances: I don't care how much money he makes. But he had the impression that I cared and wouldn't be comfortable living together. He also asked me about how I felt bills should be split. We didn't see eye to eye on that but we agreed on me moving to OR and how long we would try LD before that move would be made. We also had a mini episode when he said he would call me after work but he went out with his friends instead. I just wanted him to tell me when plans change so I wouldn't be waiting for nothing. Which he understood, apologized and we moved on. I would like to point out that at neither of these moments did we yell or have a "temper tantrum." We simply just disagreed. I know people are saying to give up, leave him alone, move on, etc, so it must seem hopeless from the outside looking in. I just wish that wasn't the case. Clearly I am in denial. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LDRrookie Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 Eddie, Well why not just cancel the reservation!?! Regardless, refund or no refund if you don't want me to come just cancel it. I mean if he does I will really be heartbroken, but at least I know for sure that he wants it over, completely. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 You were very vague about the disagreements. He thinks you care about his salary; you say you do not. What about your salary? Who makes more now, and who would make more in the future? What are your plans for working in OR? What are your expectations and what are his regarding how much each partner earns and what roles each would take in housekeeping, possible child-rearing? He thinks you will not want to live together; does this mean that you are only wanting marriage? You disagreed on how to split bills; how do you believe they should be split? Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 I think there is far too much angst involved considering you've never met the guy. It may feel beyond the realms of possibility that you get to meet him and there is no chemistry - but it does happen - and then all this talk about future finances etc will be moot. If he thinks you ended it then you need to contact him. If he has told you he wants to end it, then you should leave it up to him to contact you. It seems fairly simple to me. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 I know I am clingy when stressed, maybe this is a wake-up call to curb that behavior. Any thoughts will help. (sorry for the lifetime miniseries) Thanks! I think the fact that you broke up with him is probably something that he's going to see as a problem. I am reactive like you- and I used to suggest breaking things off with my ex everytime we had a fight- at least 3 times in 6 months. Everytime you say things like this, they begin to put up a wall. My ex told me that after he broke up with me. He probably tried to cancel the trip because he believed you and was hurt. He's got to be thinking that if you are getting clingy before meeting, that it might get worse were you to have a relationship with one another. That's why it's important to give him space. I'd write him an email with an apology and send it Tuesday. I know myself to be a reactive person, and I often do things I almost immediately regret as soon as I calm down. I'm trying to keep that in mind for future relationships because I know it's a behaviour that drives bf's away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LDRrookie Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 Lucky , I'm sorry, I just don't want my posts to be long and unbearable. We both make the about the same about; I make a bit less. If in OR, my salary would increase by almost 30K with me making more money depending on when he starts grad school. He has previously lived with a gf and I have always been on my own even in LTR. So the idea of "shacking up" wasn't immediately appealing to me, but I expressed I would be willing to do it with the right guy. He likes to split 50/50. I would rather my SO pay rent, I pay utilies primarily due to me having to move and live on savings until I get settled in a new career etc. That didn't fly lol. But we talked it over and agreed to disagree until that ever became an issue. As far as kids, I can't have them w/o fertility treatments which we discussed as well. He isn't ready for kids at the moment but has 2 cats lol. I mean I don't think these things are uncommon conversations when talking about commitment. Tiger, I hear ya on the high level of emotional involvement. This is unlike anything I have ever experienced. Hopefully I will have some good news on Wed. yeah right Link to post Share on other sites
Author LDRrookie Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 I know myself to be a reactive person, and I often do things I almost immediately regret as soon as I calm down. I'm trying to keep that in mind for future relationships because I know it's a behaviour that drives bf's away. I know I couldn't have been to only person like this in the world. I wonder what personality traits are responsible for this behavior. I may have to google this. I must say hashing this out online, is making me feel so much better. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 I know I couldn't have been to only person like this in the world. I wonder what personality traits are responsible for this behavior. I may have to google this. I must say hashing this out online, is making me feel so much better. It's a hard trait to ge a handle on. I try and practice restraint by literally counting to 10 before I say anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 If you're 27 and acting like this, it's a red flag for any sane and emotionally healthy man. I'd suggest practicing a bit of self control and be on your best behavior for the next couple of months. You need to prove to him that you're capable of a mature relationship if you want it to work. Not with WORDS and apologies, either, with ACTIONS. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LDRrookie Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 Jane, I think I have been patient with the caliber of the replies here. Do not judge me. If you want to give me advice I am open to that as that is why I decided to register for this site. However, if all you have to contribute is negativity you can definitely keep those comments to yourself. I have admitted to myself and openly in a public forum that I need to correct certain behaviors. And I intend to work on those. If you have any advice on what I can do to progress, I would be happy to hear it. Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 Jane, I think I have been patient with the caliber of the replies here. Do not judge me. If you want to give me advice I am open to that as that is why I decided to register for this site. However, if all you have to contribute is negativity you can definitely keep those comments to yourself. I have admitted to myself and openly in a public forum that I need to correct certain behaviors. And I intend to work on those. If you have any advice on what I can do to progress, I would be happy to hear it. There was advice there. Re-read the post. You'll see. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 (edited) Eddie, Well why not just cancel the reservation!?! Regardless, refund or no refund if you don't want me to come just cancel it. I mean if he does I will really be heartbroken, but at least I know for sure that he wants it over, completely. Well if he cant get a full refund, he might try to reroute the ticket to someplace else, or keep the credit for when he has to fly out someone else. But I wouldnt hold onto hope if I were you, because anyone would run from someone who flew off the handle like that...unless he was up to something when he blew you off. But like I said before, he might not want to talk to you again, so if you cant get in touch with him, you will have to assume its completely over. Practicing restraint is something that you will have to evaluate, like you will have to see if you do the same thing for any other instances in life. That way you will know when to start practicing the restraint. But if the only time you do it is when you get a mixed signal from a guy, practicing this will be fewer and far between. But you should get more tips from D-Lish on how to work on how you think in these situations. Oh yeah if you enjoy the rush of emotions that flying of the handle brings, then you have to learn to not enjoy that anymore, simply because of how destructive it is. Edited September 12, 2011 by Eddie Edirol Link to post Share on other sites
Author LDRrookie Posted September 12, 2011 Author Share Posted September 12, 2011 Thanks for the advice everyone. You have all been very helpful. I will keep you updated if anything changes. I will keep focusing on me and start the process of getting over this rather than trying to salvage something that's not there. Thanks again for ya'll's help. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 Well if he cant get a full refund, he might try to reroute the ticket to someplace else, or keep the credit for when he has to fly out someone else. But I wouldnt hold onto hope if I were you, because anyone would run from someone who flew off the handle like that...unless he was up to something when he blew you off. But like I said before, he might not want to talk to you again, so if you cant get in touch with him, you will have to assume its completely over. Practicing restraint is something that you will have to evaluate, like you will have to see if you do the same thing for any other instances in life. That way you will know when to start practicing the restraint. But if the only time you do it is when you get a mixed signal from a guy, practicing this will be fewer and far between. But you should get more tips from D-Lish on how to work on how you think in these situations. Oh yeah if you enjoy the rush of emotions that flying of the handle brings, then you have to learn to not enjoy that anymore, simply because of how destructive it is. I can give more coping tactics. If I feel that heated feeling in my body where I know I am about to say something that is going to drive someone away, I leave the conversation and walk away from them citing I am going to take a little space. I'll take a ten minute walk and come back clear headed. If it's over MSN, I'll tell them I'll be back and just walk away and process where my anger is coming from. If it's over the phone, I'll do the same- ask if I can call them back. What "we", and I say "we", because I suffer with the same difficulty. What you always need to keep in mind is that you can "never take back" what you say or do in a moment of emotional distress. You can say I am sorry all you want, but an emotional outburst won't be forgotten- dumping someone and telling them you didn't mean it the next day won't be forgotten. The instant you say or do something reactive, you've done damage- and the more you do it, the more it's going to take a toll on the relationship. If the problem doesn't get fixed, it will get to a point where the relationship is beyond repair, and it doesn't take long to take a relationship to its breaking point. The good news is that once you recognize what your issue is, you can start to change how you deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
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