SIGNS - Things that I'm noticing.

[loveletters]

I posted here a couple months ago regarding the older MM who I was involved with - we're still seeing each other (of course because we are also coworkers) but he usually comes over to my place once or twice a week.

 

Lately, I've been seeing the A for what it really is... just an affair & nothing more. I've been asking him questions, but in subtle ways to get more information on his past/history. Last Sunday he left work early & came over to my second job, after that we went to a park where we walked around & talked for a couple hours. I found it to be the perfect opportunity to get some answers.

 

 

Before we left to the park, I had grabbed his cell phone & went through our text messages just for the hell of it - he only saved the sexual messages & nothing else. And I thought WOW! Another SIGN that he's in it just for sex, as much as he says otherwise. I can't even begin to describe the things he has done for me & helped me out with, which made it seem like he truly cared for me...

 

He told me he found an apt by my place where he was going to move into, he was set on moving out & even had some of his stuff at a friends place. So here I am, in September & he still hasn't MOVED OUT. He told me he was getting a seperate bank account from his wife, etc etc.. you know, the usual bull that I've read on here. I always second guessed everything he told me - I know full well that this man is capable (& has before) of lying to me regardless of what it is. I asked him - So when are you going to move out? His body language shifted from being lovey-dovey and close to me, to being distant & vague. He sorta let go of my hand & put his head down as if I killed his mood. I then got my answer.

 

He didn't have to say anything but I knew just by his reaction to my question that this wasn't going anywhere. I then told him (purposely, so he could tell me the truth) "I'm not going to set a deadline for you, you can take however long you want or need to, because who knows if we'll really end up working out in the end." So he said, "I told you that I can't, I'm tied down with obligations. It's more complicated then you think." WOW. He NEVER has told me any of this. From day one it has been "My life is a living hell, I can't stand my wife, I'm divorcing her, I'm moving out soon" All within this 7 month period. I never believed any of it, and if I said I did - I was just fooling myself into thinking it was going to happen.

 

So I put that aside & we kept walking throughout the park & for some reason he brought up my birthday. He said "March 6th.. " .. I said "No, thats not my birthday.." --- I knew he was getting me confused with his WIFE. Because I've done a background check on him & his wife and her birthdate was October 6th. I asked him, "Who are you getting me confused with??" - He said, "I don't know... her birthday is in October... October 6... Well I knew it was one of the two!" And although it was a "simple mistake" (his words) It still hurt like crazy. I let go of his hand and told him I had to leave. I was infuriated that he could mess something up like that. He gets jealous that my ex & I talk sometimes, so just as he messed up my birthday I Said, "Well that's okay, because your birthday is on my anniversary" - Which it truly is. I stormed off & went home.

 

I don't understand at all - before he said he couldn't move out, & do such things as he promised, he asked me to MOVE IN with him! I replied "No" . Then he switched up to telling me he couldn't move out anyways. I'm just so irritated thinking about it.. I'm sorry if I'm dragging this, I've just been doing a ton of thinking lately. Also, we briefly worked with each other this morning & I asked him how he was doing, he made the comment - " I'm doing great, having a great day.. but it's even better now that I see how you look today, you are so pretty. " I had dolled myself up because I had the time - NOT for him. Yes..... I'm seeing him for the pig that he really is. But I still love & enjoy his company. He's so good and bad for me and I know the longer I wait to truly break things off, the harder it will get.

 

Wtf is wrong with me?????

[wannabdone]

WTF is wrong with you? Your human. You wanted to believe him, although you knew down deep how FOS he was, you hoped that he would make good on his promises. You took a gamble at love, and you let your guard down and probably went agaisnt your morals to do so, and you lost. And it hurts like hell.

 

The love/loss of relationships is exactly like gambling. You know you stand a great chance of losing, but you keep playing in hopes you win. Unfortunately you always end up losing way more than you win. Theres a reason why those casino's are so big and beautiful....and it isn't because people are getting paid and making millions of dollars. Thats were the addiction to this comes in, the gamble, the hope of winning. The hope of going agaisnt all odds, and this one working. You knew the statisitics going in, but I'll bet you thought your love was different. We all did. And we all felt and feel the exact way you do. WTF is wrong with me? How could I allow this????

 

If I had a nickle for each time I heard "my life is complicated", "my plate is full", ..... I would be a millionare. I have been promised the moon. And somethings he made good on....seperated bank accounts, cell phones, looked for apts, wanted me to move out and move in with him, and the list goes on and on. But still after 10 years of promises and let downs, and him actually doing somethings to make me think "this time", he never left. Thats because they seldom do. Because the fact of the matter, that they are MM that are so miserable that they will go out and carry on a relationship, but yet never leave....they are cowards. And cowards don't act on things....they just tell you what you want to hear. You wanted to believe him....after all thats what we do in relationships, no?

 

I'm sorry your pain. But you have your answer, in your heart and in your mind. You deserve better. So go get it. So much easier said than done, I know. But you have to set forth a plan to get on with your life. And that begins usually with accepting, and then NC. Are you ready to do that?