Divorced man attracted to Married Woman

[loveswomen]

I am a divorced man who loves spending most of his time/relationships with women. Unfortunately most of the women I am attracted to both intellectually, emotionally, and physically inevitably are married. Almost all of these woman are coworkers too. There is one particular married woman I am attracted to that I love talking to, having lunch with, and pretty much sharing anything personal with on a regular basis. It is rare that one day goes by without significant interaction unless I specifically go out of my way to avoid her. Initially before the relationship began I found her very attractive and stunning with a rare chemistry between us, but from afar. Now after over a year I am finding myself more and more sexually attracted to her. Sometimes I can't get her off my mind. She from what I can tell loves her husband, but I feel that she gets hurt or is at least annoyed if I don't ask her to have lunch with me or leave her out of a work event. I would never get married again nor would she from what she says. I really don't know how to handle this relationship since I am finding it harder and harder to not think about her in a sexual way. I have not idea what she is thinking and wouldn't want to break of a marriage because of an affair. How should I deal with this?

[wannabdone]

If you don't want to break up a M due to an A, leave her alone. Plain and simple.

 

Question, what kind of discussions are you having. You seem to make it like you are really good friends, however at the end of your post you said you have talked about both of you ever getting married again. So, have you had discussions about things other than what two co-workers of opposite sex, usually would, or more so what is considered "acceptable"?

 

I'm sorry to sound harsh when I say this, but I can't really buy that you "hate to break up a marriage" as you say due to an A. If you really felt that way, and you knew you were having sexual feelings for her, you would leave her alone. You said you seem to be drawn to MW. So have you had affairs with other MW in the past? Do you think that there is something about them being M that makes them more interesting to you? The thrill of the hunt so to speak?

 

I just fail to believe that their aren't single women out there who you could find intellectual and emotionally stimulating as these MW.

[East7]

I am a divorced man who loves spending most of his time/relationships with women. Unfortunately most of the women I am attracted to both intellectually, emotionally, and physically inevitably are married.

 

Well, I would say above the 30s, most people are already married so the pool of single women is very small.

 

Another reason is that married woman are less needy and desperate what probably make them more attractive.

 

Almost all of these woman are coworkers too. There is one particular married woman I am attracted to that I love talking to, having lunch with, and pretty much sharing anything personal with on a regular basis. It is rare that one day goes by without significant interaction unless I specifically go out of my way to avoid her. Initially before the relationship began I found her very attractive and stunning with a rare chemistry between us, but from afar. Now after over a year I am finding myself more and more sexually attracted to her. Sometimes I can't get her off my mind. She from what I can tell loves her husband, but I feel that she gets hurt or is at least annoyed if I don't ask her to have lunch with me or leave her out of a work event.

 

No matter how a woman is happily married, she will enjoy another's man attention.

 

You don't sound a naive person. She is enjoying the fact to feel desired and she may have no intention to sleep with you or have an A.

 

She might be attracted to you but it will go nowhere. You can read a bunch of stories here of single OM (or divorced OM) involved with MW. You fill her selfish desires and you will get hurt. Don't take that way.

[Gentlegirl]

You need to get you butt out of your work and get into some other acitvities if you possibley can. DO NOT FOUL YOUR NEST , so to speak. It is a very very bad idea to get involved with a colleague. Many stories on LS testify to that.

 

Have a long read here. There are some stories that will be valuable to you.

 

You have the first signs of the AFFAIR disease. Stop , desist, put the idea away from you. For God's sake do anything but...

 

I am seriously saying to you that you need to stop now . Spend a few hours reading here if you can. Many lives ,spouses and children are hurt,

many OW OM are also hurt. It very rarely works out any other way.

 

My best wishes are with you,

 

Gentlegirl.

[wannabdone]

 

No matter how a woman is happily married, she will enjoy another's man attention.

 

You don't sound a naive person. She is enjoying the fact to feel desired and she may have no intention to sleep with you or have an A.

 

She might be attracted to you but it will go nowhere. You can read a bunch of stories here of single OM (or divorced OM) involved with MW. You fill her selfish desires and you will get hurt. Don't take that way.

 

 

Agreed, most women....even when they are married, very much enjoy to still be "wanted" and sexy.

 

You need to get you butt out of your work and get into some other acitvities if you possibley can. DO NOT FOUL YOUR NEST , so to speak. It is a very very bad idea to get involved with a colleague. Many stories on LS testify to that.

 

.

 

 

I like to say, you don't s**t where you eat!!!

[So Very Confused]

No matter how a woman is happily married, she will enjoy another's man attention.

 

This is so true.

 

I hope you put a little effort into find some single women. There really is an available woman out there that is right for you.

 

An A will eventually make you miserable and have consequences where you work. Please just keep in friendly and steer clear.

[bentnotbroken]

Agreed, most women....even when they are married, very much enjoy to still be "wanted" and sexy.

 

 

 

 

I like to say, you don't s**t where you eat!!!

 

 

Nor where you sleep or worship.

[bentnotbroken]

This is so true.

 

I hope you put a little effort into find some single women. There really is an available woman out there that is right for you.

 

An A will eventually make you miserable and have consequences where you work. Please just keep in friendly and steer clear.

 

 

There must be something wrong with me. I was always offended when a man continued his fishing expedition after I said I was married. It felt like they didn't respect me or my family.

[wannabdone]

nor where you sleep or worship.

 

 

absolutely!!!!

[carhill]

How should I deal with this?

Notwithstanding the prohibition of shyting where you eat, IMO she's no friend if she's not inviting you out to casual, non-alarming events/interactions. Remember, you and she aren't dating. You're friends. She's like any other male co-worker in that regard. That she 'appears' hurt or annoyed when you don't invite her smacks of an attention whore.

 

You and she sharing things 'personal' and 'intimate' is her mind sex. Women like her love that stuff. If they can get it from a man without their vagina being involved, bonus.

 

Regale her with the enjoyable tales of the dates you've been going on with other women. I'm sure she'll be quite happy for you and be interested in the details. If not, see her for what she is, a typical mind-fµcker. In that case, IMO, leave her be.

 

Or, have an affair. Up to you. Be mindful of your career if you choose the latter. Good luck. Welcome to LS

[Circular]

I concur with what others have said about this situation. Maybe she likes the attention, maybe she likes knowing a man finds her desirable, maybe she wants to have a fling. Who knows really at the end of the day. Truth is, based on what you've shared so far I'd say you're already in an EA you're both becoming emotionally attached to each other.

 

I do know this though; having an A at work is probably one of the dumbest things you could ever do. Your co-workers will know, your boss will know, everyone will know and they'll also know the risk to the company. Don't think you can hide it from them you can't, people are smart and intuitive and will pick up on the subtle cues. So, you're risking both your job and her job.

 

You didn't mention if she has children or not. If she does do you really want to be the guy that breaks up the family? Puts her kids future in jeopardy? Destroys their family life? Have you even thought about how devastating it would be to her family?

 

If I were you I'd start backing off, getting busy with other things and find a single woman. Have you really tried to find someone outside of work? You're just inviting a ton of pain into your life if you go the direction your thinking about.

[26pointblue]

Well, I would say above the 30s, most people are already married so the pool of single women is very small.

 

This is not at all true, at least in my location/profession. There are as many of us in our 30's who are single, or 40's through 60's who are divorced/never married, as there are those who are married.

 

Anyway OP it sounds to me like you don't have strong enough boundaries or realistic expectations. As East said, yes married women might like attention but that doesn't mean they want anything further if they are faithful. And faithful or not, married co-workers are not where you should be putting your time & attention. Tell yourself they're off limits as unwise decisions [because they are . . . they will damage your reputation professionally, they could hurt you because you could end up falling for one if you get involved, or your expections could be too high & you'll be let down, let alone the fact that it's just not right to be involved with women who are in committed relationships with other men & who have promised something to them], & focus your time & energy on available women, which I promise you, there are some. Have you tried online dating or singls social clubs? Good luck.

[26pointblue]

Nor where you sleep or worship.

 

I don't go to church but I thought a lot of couples met there & it seemed to make sense to me . . . similar beliefs/values/shared goals. I was going to recommend to him he meet a woman at church if he's religious, or some type of social club if he's not.

[26pointblue]

There must be something wrong with me. I was always offended when a man continued his fishing expedition after I said I was married. It felt like they didn't respect me or my family.

 

When I'm happy in my relationship I do not at all like when another guy keeps hitting on me despite knowing I'm committed/having had me turn him down because I'm committed. I feel uncomfortable at first, like I don't want to keep rejecting him but he won't take a hint . . . & then I get downright angry & annoyed. So no, I don't think there's anything wrong with you & I disagree that all/most married women like attention from men who aren't their husbands. A friendly chat, sure, a random compliment . . . who doesn't like these things? But to have a guy keep asking me out or inappropriately being affectionate or attentive is a real turn-off to me if I'm in a happy relationship. Now I've noticed that if I'm dating one guy & another guy catches my fancy, & I feel myself drawn to him . . . well then to me it's a sign that the first guy isn't right for me. But once I'm in a for-sure committed relationship, never.

[loveswomen]

Ok I am glad I received so many responses. It's clear there are a lot of common words of wisdom with whats going on. I will respond to the ones that come to mind in no specific order.

 

1.) Most of the people I work with are married. Very few are women, and those that are available are not even an option for me because of MANY reasons.

 

2.) With the type of position I have and work environment I am in having an affair would have nothing to do with my career. I work for myself and no one has that kind of influence over me. Regardless I don't believe I would have an A anyways.

 

3.) I have never had an A ever in my life. I am in my late 40's.

 

4.) I have gone to different church groups and have not come across any single or potential women. There are VERY Few women out there in my age group that are single.

 

5.) I am not really interested in dating someone my own age since I don't look my age and I really don't find older looking women attractive (yes thats still important to me) since I keep myself i very good shape also.

 

6.) I came out of a terrible divorce with a woman who turned out having sever drug abuse and mental problems. I will never go near anyone who has or had those characteristics ever.

 

7.) Not interested in much baggage.

 

8.) The woman I am referring to does NOT have any children but that doesn't make an A any more acceptable to me or not. I know what divorce does to families.. I have seen this too many time.

[whichwayisup]

I am a divorced man who loves spending most of his time/relationships with women. Unfortunately most of the women I am attracted to both intellectually, emotionally, and physically inevitably are married. Almost all of these woman are coworkers too. There is one particular married woman I am attracted to that I love talking to, having lunch with, and pretty much sharing anything personal with on a regular basis. It is rare that one day goes by without significant interaction unless I specifically go out of my way to avoid her. Initially before the relationship began I found her very attractive and stunning with a rare chemistry between us, but from afar. Now after over a year I am finding myself more and more sexually attracted to her. Sometimes I can't get her off my mind. She from what I can tell loves her husband, but I feel that she gets hurt or is at least annoyed if I don't ask her to have lunch with me or leave her out of a work event. I would never get married again nor would she from what she says. I really don't know how to handle this relationship since I am finding it harder and harder to not think about her in a sexual way. I have not idea what she is thinking and wouldn't want to break of a marriage because of an affair. How should I deal with this?

 

Do nothing. She's a taken woman! Married and happily at it. You stroke her ego, you make you feel good, you make her smile, probably make her feel like she's 16 again and make her heart flutter..

 

Big deal!

 

Reality is, she has a life with someone else, she's not going to up and leave the life she built with her husband to be with someone she only knows at work, someone she flirts with, someone who she shouldn't be crossing lines with.

 

It's wrong of her to let this happen and it's wrong of you to continue to feed your feelings knowing full well she's not available to you.

 

Don't talk to her about this as it's POINTLESS and asking for trouble.

 

Be a man, back off and IF she asks, just say "You are a married woman and if my wife was getting too cozy with her co worker, like we're starting to get, I'd be extremely upset and feel betrayed."

[whichwayisup]

Regardless I don't believe I would have an A anyways.

 

Yet you're letting yourself fall for someone who isn't available to you. You're letting sexual feelings and lust/emotions get in the way. You let yourself think of her too often and asking for trouble. Why even bother? Why torture yourself? Find a woman who is available, someone who you can spend time with and not worry about her going home to her husband.

 

Right now, what you have is the beginnings of an affair. It's an emotional one right now and she is too reliant on your attention, getting attached to you. That doesn't mean she LOVES you and is going to jeapordize her marriage, but it does mean you both are on dangerous ground if you don't stop and think this through.

[wannabdone]

Ok I am glad I received so many responses. It's clear there are a lot of common words of wisdom with whats going on. I will respond to the ones that come to mind in no specific order.

 

1.) Most of the people I work with are married. Very few are women, and those that are available are not even an option for me because of MANY reasons.

 

2.) With the type of position I have and work environment I am in having an affair would have nothing to do with my career. I work for myself and no one has that kind of influence over me. Regardless I don't believe I would have an A anyways.

 

3.) I have never had an A ever in my life. I am in my late 40's.

 

4.) I have gone to different church groups and have not come across any single or potential women. There are VERY Few women out there in my age group that are single.

 

5.) I am not really interested in dating someone my own age since I don't look my age and I really don't find older looking women attractive (yes thats still important to me) since I keep myself i very good shape also.

 

6.) I came out of a terrible divorce with a woman who turned out having sever drug abuse and mental problems. I will never go near anyone who has or had those characteristics ever.

 

7.) Not interested in much baggage.

 

8.) The woman I am referring to does NOT have any children but that doesn't make an A any more acceptable to me or not. I know what divorce does to families.. I have seen this too many time.

 

 

Okay, so I am confused. It could be sleep deprevation, but you said you were having sexual feelings for a woman who was married, a woman who gets upset if you don't invite her to lunch. And asked how should you handle it. So when you asked how to handle it, I guess this being a OW/OM forum, I was under the assumption that you were interested in possibly having an A, even though you said you did not want to break a family up. So, where you just asking how to handle basically how to tell her "see ya"?

 

As far as your bullet points above. Where is that you live? I live in a state that is considered prodomotely lower socio-economic class. However, I have seen and know many women, even in their 40's who are in great shape, have a good job and a good head on their shoulders. Maybe you aren't looking in the right places. And on the "baggage" thing...not sure what you consider baggage. Some people think of that as kids, or D, or xH's. If that what your definition of baggage, is ....its going to be difficult to not find someone who doesn't have some form of this. But, if your talking about drug abuse/mental issues.....thats pretty a pretty common trait that most people try to avoid.

 

I agree, children don't make an A more "acceptable", I just think it makes it more complicated. Again, being that this forum kind of revolves around that topic, I think its a common thing people ask, as I can't speak for everyone, I was under the impression that you asking about "handling" it, it was weighing the opion of affair or not.

 

So, I guess clarification on the term handling would probably help us understand what it is your trying to achieve.

[Circular]

Ok I am glad I received so many responses. It's clear there are a lot of common words of wisdom with whats going on. I will respond to the ones that come to mind in no specific order.

 

1.) Most of the people I work with are married. Very few are women, and those that are available are not even an option for me because of MANY reasons.

 

2.) With the type of position I have and work environment I am in having an affair would have nothing to do with my career. I work for myself and no one has that kind of influence over me. Regardless I don't believe I would have an A anyways.

 

3.) I have never had an A ever in my life. I am in my late 40's.

 

4.) I have gone to different church groups and have not come across any single or potential women. There are VERY Few women out there in my age group that are single.

 

5.) I am not really interested in dating someone my own age since I don't look my age and I really don't find older looking women attractive (yes thats still important to me) since I keep myself i very good shape also.

 

6.) I came out of a terrible divorce with a woman who turned out having sever drug abuse and mental problems. I will never go near anyone who has or had those characteristics ever.

 

7.) Not interested in much baggage.

 

8.) The woman I am referring to does NOT have any children but that doesn't make an A any more acceptable to me or not. I know what divorce does to families.. I have seen this too many time.

 

Regarding #2, read about Emotional Affairs (EA) they are considered more dangerous/damaging then Physical Affiars (PA) based on what you've said so far you're already in the early stages of having one.

 

My advice is put healthy boundaries in place and stay away. I've BTDT and there's a good level of pain that gets dosed out to everyone once it falls apart.

[loveswomen]

Thanks everyone for the input. What I was looking for is opinions and thoughts on this situation.

 

I think it's clear on what I need to do based on your advice and what my instincts were telling me.